To ask for a hand hold.... desperate

[BBCNewsRave]

Im so sorry for posting here, just literally do not know what to do. Can't think clearly right now. I'm exhausted, but I have no reason to be. My life is extremely limited - no job, no DC - because I can't cope and have mental health issues. Thing is, the mental health issues are CAUSED by life expecting me to be busy and manage loads of stuff, as well as trauma type stuff from the past. Give me a simple life and some nice friends and I'd manage fine.

Because of my experiences I have let a lot of people take advantage of me, and lost a lot of potential friends because I was struggling and needed support, and most people can't cope with that. Essentially what started as being a bit messed up has, over the years, turned into years of complex trauma.

When I have made friends they end up moving away, more recently I was sort of wendied out of a group, although tbh I was sort of "making do" re, friends and was just vaguely in the group not great friends. I seem to attract immature men with alcohol issues etc, rather than women I want to be friends with. Because I have MH issues I guess I can't be judgemental of others, but I feel like a fish out of water. Occasionally I've spent time with capable, intelligent and interesting adults and ITS AMAZING. In particular I travelled a lot during my 20s (early 30s now) and met so many wonderful people. Who wanted to spend time with me too, so I cant be that bad.

I feel like a deep thinker, I know that sounds wanky, sorry. But I feel so alone with the experiences I've had and the perspective I've gained on the world because of it. I miss being able to muse about life and the world with other likeminded people - so few and far between, and now everyone has partners/babies/loads of friends and doesn't need me in their life. When I have had sort of friends who I get on with they always have closer/longer friendships with others so I'm the one who gets put as low priority when life changes.

I feel exhausted all the time, and this is a problem as to sort out anything in my life - employment, making friends - I have to DO more. Join clubs, volunteer etc. And adding anythign else right now is impossible because I'm barely managing as it is. I often don't eat properly because I am just too wiped out/vaguely confused to cook. I'd studying via distance learning atm and that is taking all my time/focus. Just scraping by until the year is over - I can't keep this up.

I think what's happening is that because I can't get any therapy or suport ad have no-one who understands, I'm carrying years of pain inside which is exhasting me. (And affecting my health... I now get this thing where my heart jumps around/mild pain, assumed it was anxiety until it showed up on an ECG.) Not sure though. However, I can't afford to see a therapist unles I win my benefits appeal..........

And I don't know how to find one that will be willing to take me on knowing I have zero support. The last one I saw kept insisting that the NHS should be "supporting" me. She told me I had obviosuly refused their help . Aside from that, I seem to have a perspective on life that feels very lonely, very far away from most people, and I don't know if I can find a therapist who understands, the last one seemed kind of... simplistic in her views. One thing that's helped me undersand is feminism, realising how my experiences tie in with expectations of women, how I've been used and abused by men and how that has been explicity and coverly encouraged by pretty much everyone (including MH professionals). But that kind of depth of thinking just doesn't seem to happen...

I'm trying to keep going but life just seems so awful. Not inherently awful, but the stupid society we have where people have to work such long hours and so on tht I just can't cope with. And people are so isolated... if we were all going out ina big group to tend the fields or something I'd actually find it easier. I feel like I don't belong here, I belong to a different time or place.

Have been weeping on and off for the last 24 hours. I just seem to have hit a wall. Please don't tell me to turn to anyone because bitter experience tells me that's how to lose someone.

Plase could I just have a hand hold.... novel solutions also welcome, although I dont think there's much hope. Just needed to tell someone.
Thank you x

Hello BBC. You're not alone. I'm awake and available to hand hold.

Things seem so bleak at this time of the night, I know.

Have you thought of changing your GP? Or even changing surgeries? I do get the impression that you really need some proper medical based TLC at the moment.

Hand hold from me too and

lack of energy and heart palpitations - check out iron deficiency anaemia with your gp

also, you sound like you could have undiagnosed aspergers. look up writings by Rudy Simone and Tony Attwood on how autism manifests in females.

you sound a lot like me and my autism was only diagnosed in my thirties. (I have to lead an alternative lifestyle by necessity. I cannot cope with trying to 'fit in' with the norm.)

BBCNewsRave no advice but some fellow feeling as I have been there regarding complex trauma and battling MH services. I have been in that place where my issues are "too complex" for IAPT but NHS doesn't want me back in secondary services. I'm too ill but not ill enough kind of thing (although I have had brilliant help when I was under MH team it just wasn't enough?)

I have trust issues because of past treatment by therapists and MH workers (labelled as having BPD but have found out that it i sanother way of saying CPTSD) and back in the day when I was diagnosed that was a label of stigma. Even now I have great stress and fear with doctors and other professionals. Not trying to make this thread about me ut just wanted you to know you aren't alone. ,

PussinCoutts re: autism. YES! I second this.

Also been told may have Aspergers/ASD but no formal diagnosis as hard to get on NHS and I cannot work for various reasons. A diagnosis of aspergers may be worth looking into BBCNewsRave

Ok apologies for being confused with term for workers when applying for grant -I meant when you were applying for grant they were belittling you which is an abuse of their power

One thing that gives me comfort when things feel so monotonous , nothing in this universe stays the same except change. And with the ebb and flow of your life, you will find yourself in a very different situation, in time

BBCNewsRave, you know humility very well others will spend a lifetime with their massive egos and only finally realising on their deathbed that we are no better than the next person, that we are nothing without each other.
Indian mystic Maharaj said: “When I know I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I know I am everything, that is love. And between those two my life constantly flows.” Things will change and different experiences, with love and friendship, I'm sure is coming your way, in time so many lovely people on Mums net offering support Its an example of the great people out there you will meet in time, when you find different voluntary/other work that fits for you

BBC, not sure if you read my previous post but I've been there.

Trust me, a partner and child will not make any of it better.

It really, really won't. My daughter was the most triggering thing. I was suicidal constantly for the first 14 months of her life, and even now the responsibility, the constant neediness of her, the duty to her and my partner, it's all draining- especially because I'm having to learn how to deal with and manage my trauma and MH difficulties at the same time.

You have this opportunity as a free, unattached person with no duties to anybody to be as selfish as you want. Be selfish! I bet it's an alien experience to you. Indulge yourself in every luxury you can manage- time, comfort, good food.
And work your butt off when it comes to managing your trauma.

You will know it's working when fears become opportunities. 'I wish I could' becomes 'maybe I could' becomes 'I'm going to'. You start to become happy in your own company, and that innate happiness is what attracts others. People love joy, and love to be around it- and working on your trauma teaches you to discern good company from bad.

It will become more like 'something that happened' rather than something that consumes your every moment.
It takes so much practice. I'm not there yet. But you have the time to go for it, to really work, to get excited about how great life can be for you. Why couldn't it? You can sit in a park, smell the flowers. Smell them all over the world if you want to.

Great post Rix, hope you're ok today BBC

Rixera I would love details of a support group for abuse and complex trauma- please could you PM me if not too much trouble?

Rixera I live in the south west of england if that is any help. Can't say any more as will out myself. I have history of BPD and Complex Trauma as well as possible undiagnosed ASD. I am struggling as i'm too ill for IAPT and struggling with them but Secondary services won't yhave me back long term (been in secondary services since age 17 I am 35 now). Really struggling with paranoia, trust issues and abuse flashbacks but find it hard to talk to anytone IRL. I feel so vulnerable. OP, sorry for the thread hijack. You sound very like me and I am in yor shoes at the moment - i know if i start my own thread I won't get any responses. I normal;ly post on Stately Homes thread?

You sound very like me and I am in yor shoes at the moment - i know if i start my own thread I won't get any responses.

What makes you say that? This thread has responses.

Rixera I appreicate you are trying to help but clearly you do not know me. I have travelled whenever possible since I was 18 - explored awesome places, I know what it's like to feel alive, I've stood on volcanoes watching the sunrise, scuba dived with turtles, slept in the jungle looking at the stars. I try to make the most of every moment, appreciate the small things etc etc. I have ALWAYS pushed to be happy, to explore; I see life and very rich even when it is sad. I do small things like grow veg and flowers, sometimes I watch the sunset and feel sort of tingly and in touch with the Greater Something (?!) out there.

BUT this does not stop me being a human being who needs a certain amount of love and companionship. I'm not saying a baby and bloke will suddenly make my life fine - far from it. But it would help with the side of things that is me knowing since I was young that I wanted children one day. It would help with the grief at all I have lost because of my experiences and trauma. If someone had a crystal ball and could say "fear not, it will happen one day", that'd be fine. I don't feel a man/baby shaped hole in my life right now, exactly. Just want to know it will happen at some point. Though someone who loved me would help a bit now.

Interesting that you say you are "not there yet" and yet you have a partner and child. It's the mundane stuff (or stuff that's mundane to others but means so much to me) that is missing in my life; not my own attitude and outlook. In fact it feels a bit blamey to make out it's somehow me - since I was a child/teen I've observed people, I've tried to figure out what it valuable and what is not, I do not chase money or fame, I know friendship and love or various kinds matters. I vowed at a young age I would always make sure to include those on the edge, those who might be lonely, I figured we needed more community spirit in the world. I did not know it would be me on the edge, me lacking community, me who needed including. At the end of the day I experience a lot of pain, a handhold and knowing it's all part of life really helps, knowing you're in it (life) together. But I can't magic away the pain and do not appreciate having it blamed on some kind of negative attitude on my part.

I'm sure you did not intend to, and I apologise I can't put it any clearer than that, but there you go.

Justagirl
Un MNy hugs
And you've not hijacked - it's not possible to hijack a thread about being alone by saying "me too"!
Please do use this thread as a sanctuary... an oddball sanctuary (if that's not too insulting...) welcome :)

I have to attend to some life things now I am able to concentrate sufficiently....

ps. Rixera Yes I read your previous post and have been doing those sort of things. But other people expect certain things from me. An obvious one is the government expecting me to be a normal functioning working adult - there's always that anxiety in the back of my mind about living on benefits, with the way things are going.

And people - yourself included - making suggestions that I can't follow all at once. What do I drop to take up a new suggestion? One of the main things is simpy feeling overwhelmed at so much to do.

I'm not trying to be rude and I appreciate your support and hearing about your experience with having dc. But it is very difficult the way people assume I'm not already working at maximum capacity, doing all I can to overcome this. I dont want advice, I'd like a cuddle and a cup of tea, please.
Right, must do stuff now.

I get where you're coming from BBC, totally.
I was in a similar situation. got myself accidentally pregnant and my life changed for the better. I always wanted to have children and my DS brings so much meaning to my life. mind you I wouldn't recommend my accidental method of pregnancy, I was simply extremely lucky as ended up getting along with the man for quite many years before separation.
being single did not suit me at all. It felt horrible and cold. mind you I learned the hard way that being alone is much better than in a toxic relationship.
now I'm with DP and we live together. I love him so much and life is so much better with him in it. so I see a hundred percent how no amount of hobbies or travel compares to love. I have many passions and have always travelled independently when single so, like you, I know
please do check out asperger women as you sound entirely like me and I am one. The intensity of experiences, the beauty I everyday life etc.
ps do not lose faith. my best friend, well into her thirties, has only just found a boyfriend for the second time in her life, this time it's clearly a long term prospect and they're ridiculously compatible.

BBCNewsRave and hugs to you too. Thanks you so much. I feel a bit teary eyed bit in a good way. Bless you

Struggling at the moment and not able to say much, but this thread is helping me not feel so very alone with it all. To know others know the pain and difficulties of this condition is a bit reassuring, but I would not wish this hell on anyone, it is so isolating. The lack of support or interest on top of the absence of any MH help makes it all so difficult. Also very wary of doctors and consultants since reading the rubbish in my GP notes, so many errors.

I'm in the south west too, is there anything out there which may provide support?

Welcome to the commune, cafe!

Agree re. GP notes - it's baffling how they manage to mangle things so much.

Hi BBC, you sound very similar to me. Ethnic background of being called terrorists, abuse and having family members knocked off or come back with terrible PTSD in world wars isn't exactly helping my mental health at the moment at all. It's like we gave up everything, language culture community, for them to leave us alone but then they import some other poor bunch of buggers to pick on. And the level of collusion etc which makes you question other stuff. I really don't know what the answers are