To ask for a hand hold.... desperate

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Im so sorry for posting here, just literally do not know what to do. Can't think clearly right now. I'm exhausted, but I have no reason to be. My life is extremely limited - no job, no DC - because I can't cope and have mental health issues. Thing is, the mental health issues are CAUSED by life expecting me to be busy and manage loads of stuff, as well as trauma type stuff from the past. Give me a simple life and some nice friends and I'd manage fine.

Because of my experiences I have let a lot of people take advantage of me, and lost a lot of potential friends because I was struggling and needed support, and most people can't cope with that. Essentially what started as being a bit messed up has, over the years, turned into years of complex trauma.

When I have made friends they end up moving away, more recently I was sort of wendied out of a group, although tbh I was sort of "making do" re, friends and was just vaguely in the group not great friends. I seem to attract immature men with alcohol issues etc, rather than women I want to be friends with. Because I have MH issues I guess I can't be judgemental of others, but I feel like a fish out of water. Occasionally I've spent time with capable, intelligent and interesting adults and ITS AMAZING. In particular I travelled a lot during my 20s (early 30s now) and met so many wonderful people. Who wanted to spend time with me too, so I cant be that bad.

I feel like a deep thinker, I know that sounds wanky, sorry. But I feel so alone with the experiences I've had and the perspective I've gained on the world because of it. I miss being able to muse about life and the world with other likeminded people - so few and far between, and now everyone has partners/babies/loads of friends and doesn't need me in their life. When I have had sort of friends who I get on with they always have closer/longer friendships with others so I'm the one who gets put as low priority when life changes.

I feel exhausted all the time, and this is a problem as to sort out anything in my life - employment, making friends - I have to DO more. Join clubs, volunteer etc. And adding anythign else right now is impossible because I'm barely managing as it is. I often don't eat properly because I am just too wiped out/vaguely confused to cook. I'd studying via distance learning atm and that is taking all my time/focus. Just scraping by until the year is over - I can't keep this up.

I think what's happening is that because I can't get any therapy or suport ad have no-one who understands, I'm carrying years of pain inside which is exhasting me. (And affecting my health... I now get this thing where my heart jumps around/mild pain, assumed it was anxiety until it showed up on an ECG.) Not sure though. However, I can't afford to see a therapist unles I win my benefits appeal..........

And I don't know how to find one that will be willing to take me on knowing I have zero support. The last one I saw kept insisting that the NHS should be "supporting" me. She told me I had obviosuly refused their help . Aside from that, I seem to have a perspective on life that feels very lonely, very far away from most people, and I don't know if I can find a therapist who understands, the last one seemed kind of... simplistic in her views. One thing that's helped me undersand is feminism, realising how my experiences tie in with expectations of women, how I've been used and abused by men and how that has been explicity and coverly encouraged by pretty much everyone (including MH professionals). But that kind of depth of thinking just doesn't seem to happen...

I'm trying to keep going but life just seems so awful. Not inherently awful, but the stupid society we have where people have to work such long hours and so on tht I just can't cope with. And people are so isolated... if we were all going out ina big group to tend the fields or something I'd actually find it easier. I feel like I don't belong here, I belong to a different time or place.

Have been weeping on and off for the last 24 hours. I just seem to have hit a wall. Please don't tell me to turn to anyone because bitter experience tells me that's how to lose someone.

Plase could I just have a hand hold.... novel solutions also welcome, although I dont think there's much hope. Just needed to tell someone.
Thank you x

Thanks Unborn. I know it's a stupid memory to bother me all these years later but I suspect it's sort of displacement - if I remember the really bad things it'll destroy me right now.

MH services do seem to be, at the very least, the blind leading the blind. Sometime the malicious and incompetent leading the blind...
Thank you for standing up for people. I hope I can find a way to help one day.

Have you been to any peer support groups?
I attended one run by NAPAC and it was brilliant.
The thing about trauma is that it's complex and unfair and you have to work your fucking arse off to undo those negative coping strategies, but with every inch of progress you make your life improves tenfold.
I have a great NHS therapist by going about things sideways. Playing the system, if you will. I went via eating disorder services, and prior to that for self harm, and as a relapse prevention strategy was able to get funding extended. I did have to work very hard to make changes to prove it was going well and therefore worth extending the funding but it was worth it.

And prior to that while still on the waiting list was able to make changes myself. Reading every relevant book on trauma. First, the sciencey ones with brain scans and things, to prove I'm not overreacting or being an idiot there are physical changes to the brain as a result of trauma. Whew, can scale back the self hate and perfectionism a bit there.

Secondly, every text on grounding mechanisms, even the hokey bullshit that makes my eyes roll back in my head because at least you're doing something, even if it feels stupid, and the act of doing can break a dissociative moment or a flashback or the cycle of being unproductive.

Then, the more hardcore trauma books.
Noting things I'm doing day to day that reenact old thoughts and life lessons. Changing them. Doing things, even when I don't feel like it, and feeling proud afterwards, and resting, then doing more things.
The way I see it is that not every scrap of trauma has to be unearthed and peered at in order to deal with the effects of it. As long as you take a look at the lessons you internalised and make the best of everything you have, it will be okay.

Even the shitty therapists had something I could take from them, even if it's that the challenge makes you bold.
Horrible work was the same. It teaches you patience, tolerance, courage in the face of drudgery. Work is there to facilitate the things you actually want to do.
It's hard, but you can find the balance.

BBC that's not a stupid memory. It's exactly those sort of unnecessary little unpleasantnesses that knock us right back down to the bottom of the ladder and yet don't get talked about because they seem so minor and petty.

Anyway, another one of your tribe here. Your posts have made me feel very sad but also relieved, as have the posts of the other out-of-step people. Life may be deeply frustrating and bewildering but at least we're not entirely alone.

OP - check out a place called Windsor Hill
Wood. It might be just what you need.

Oh BBC good care should be the norm not the exception.

How is your learning going? It might help you to just think of how well your doing with. I'm not degree educated but from what I've heard it bloody hard going.

Is there a certain role you would like too work in? I always through child psychology must be very rewarding but I imagine it's very tough.

I can really relate to you OP. My situation is I have a full time job and enough money but everything else suffers. The people part of my job is exhausting and evenings are spent lying in front of the TV trying to regain my energy. Often on Saturday I sleep for hours during the day and really only get Sunday as a 'proper' weekend day,

Sorry I don't have any answers just letting you know you're not alone

Hello, I'm just wondering if anyone is there.

I've just spent half an hour on the phone to the mental health crisis team, who asked me who would find out first if I killed myself. Very surreal.

That's a weird question indeed. Are you okay?

Not sure that sounds particularly helpful BBC Just been reading through your thread, I'm another one who identifies with at least some of your feelings about life. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling tonight? Am here if so or just for hand holding if that would be better. Hope you're ok x

Thank you very much. I feel kind of detached. I realised im hungry and ordered a pizza. I'm in bed. It's all surreal right now.

I want to know what it's like to be loved.

It's just hit me in the last few days how lucky normal people are. I've spent 3 days in bed crying.

I thought it could be ok, that I could come back from it. But I relaised it's too late.

In case of mods: i'm not about to kill myself.

(Though admittedly that's the logical solution.)

Those who are weirdos like me (in a nice way!) always have partners, friends, children. I am truly alone.

I found out another fellow weirdo (male), who randomly stopped speaking to me some time ago, is about to get married.

Thoughtful/weirdo men always have someone to love them. Thoughtful/weirdo women attract abusers.

Has something happened BBC? Wish I could give you a massive hug right now, you sound so fantastic from your posts and just the sort of person I would choose to be my friend. Can I do anything at all to help?

What happened with the CPN was unnecessarily nasty bullying from those in a position of power- those with the power to offer funds , or not, and aren't they loving their power, shown by their scoffing and laughing, when you clearly told them that was not your list.

This really shows their inadequacy to remain person centred in their work with the vulnerable. I understand they are under immense pressure however to lower them selves to this type of bullying shows they really need to move into different work, preferably not with vulnerable people.

I don't know if this rings true, but do you think you have something like cyclothymia, swinging between mild depression and an elevated mildly 'manic' type mood? I have lived through depression and so get what you mean about what you have been through. big hugsxxo

X posted with you, yes I can see why that's made you feel crap. Not sure about the 'too late' thing though, I don't think it's ever too late and we never know what's around the corner for us. I realise that doesn't help with how you're feeling now though, am here to listen (or rather read) if that's any use x

I feel like your depression is serious hon, Can you please see GP as it is soul destroying suffering like that. Hope you find you can sleep a few winks until morning, and after a cuppa and some breakfast, think about calling for support

See GP, call mental health support line, present to A&E if your serious depression becomes worse and you are suicidal do whatever you need to do to close the door to your depression, then you can open the door to being happy 'just being you', with or without a life partner. xo

midsumma
I dont think the CPN was being bullying. I have experienced bullying type behaviour from professionals in the past, he really didn't seem like that. He spent half an hour or so on the phone to me, asking my chosen suicide method. I mentioned I wouldn;t go under a train due to effect on driver and so I think he was trying to guilt me out of suicide at all.

As if I don't feel enough of a burden already.

I explained to him I thought I'd better call as suicide seems logical, and I am vaguely aware it's not supposed to. Thing is, there is literally no help for me, no care. I assume there must be certain patients they are allowed to write off like that.

Thanks hiding, appreciate that. I guess I've always kept the faith, kept thinking happiness was around the corner. But it's not. If I knew 10 years ago where I'd be now, I'd have topped myself then.

It's not even some elusive "happiness" I'm after. I know I need love, care, companionship, in various forms. But after everything I've been through, to not have children and a partner is just too much. It seems so horribly unfair that others just sort of stumble into having those things.

I mean, I feel like I've been through the bit where I learn all about myself, and how to appreciate the small things, and mundane life. But I'd like to have the small things and mundane life to appreciate now...

Every day another person is engaged or pregnant, and I don't even really have close friends.

It's tearing me up. I dont seem to belong anywhere.

One of the things that immediately came to my mind when I read your opening post is that you may need to increase your vitamin D and iron. I believe that will make a big difference to you physical and mental wellbeing.

I'm really struggling for constructive advice BBC because I know you've exhausted so many avenues already. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all ok for you but I guess all I can really offer is a listening ear and a friendly shoulder. Those things are on offer anytime though, here or by PM if you prefer. I know I'm a faceless stranger on t'internet but I do genuinely care x

BBC I'm up as I cannot sleep at all... because I have very similar problems to yourself and can relate to so much of your post. So a hand hold from me, I have Complex PTSD, no help and having a rough time at the moment. PIP totally rejected on top of everything else...

I haven't RTFT, but will return to it at a more normal hour. But don't feel alone with this and do not give up. You need support and come on the forum meantime.

What is your relationship with your parents and siblings like? Do you see them and if not, why not? Are they aware of how much you struggle?