To ask for a hand hold.... desperate

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Im so sorry for posting here, just literally do not know what to do. Can't think clearly right now. I'm exhausted, but I have no reason to be. My life is extremely limited - no job, no DC - because I can't cope and have mental health issues. Thing is, the mental health issues are CAUSED by life expecting me to be busy and manage loads of stuff, as well as trauma type stuff from the past. Give me a simple life and some nice friends and I'd manage fine.

Because of my experiences I have let a lot of people take advantage of me, and lost a lot of potential friends because I was struggling and needed support, and most people can't cope with that. Essentially what started as being a bit messed up has, over the years, turned into years of complex trauma.

When I have made friends they end up moving away, more recently I was sort of wendied out of a group, although tbh I was sort of "making do" re, friends and was just vaguely in the group not great friends. I seem to attract immature men with alcohol issues etc, rather than women I want to be friends with. Because I have MH issues I guess I can't be judgemental of others, but I feel like a fish out of water. Occasionally I've spent time with capable, intelligent and interesting adults and ITS AMAZING. In particular I travelled a lot during my 20s (early 30s now) and met so many wonderful people. Who wanted to spend time with me too, so I cant be that bad.

I feel like a deep thinker, I know that sounds wanky, sorry. But I feel so alone with the experiences I've had and the perspective I've gained on the world because of it. I miss being able to muse about life and the world with other likeminded people - so few and far between, and now everyone has partners/babies/loads of friends and doesn't need me in their life. When I have had sort of friends who I get on with they always have closer/longer friendships with others so I'm the one who gets put as low priority when life changes.

I feel exhausted all the time, and this is a problem as to sort out anything in my life - employment, making friends - I have to DO more. Join clubs, volunteer etc. And adding anythign else right now is impossible because I'm barely managing as it is. I often don't eat properly because I am just too wiped out/vaguely confused to cook. I'd studying via distance learning atm and that is taking all my time/focus. Just scraping by until the year is over - I can't keep this up.

I think what's happening is that because I can't get any therapy or suport ad have no-one who understands, I'm carrying years of pain inside which is exhasting me. (And affecting my health... I now get this thing where my heart jumps around/mild pain, assumed it was anxiety until it showed up on an ECG.) Not sure though. However, I can't afford to see a therapist unles I win my benefits appeal..........

And I don't know how to find one that will be willing to take me on knowing I have zero support. The last one I saw kept insisting that the NHS should be "supporting" me. She told me I had obviosuly refused their help . Aside from that, I seem to have a perspective on life that feels very lonely, very far away from most people, and I don't know if I can find a therapist who understands, the last one seemed kind of... simplistic in her views. One thing that's helped me undersand is feminism, realising how my experiences tie in with expectations of women, how I've been used and abused by men and how that has been explicity and coverly encouraged by pretty much everyone (including MH professionals). But that kind of depth of thinking just doesn't seem to happen...

I'm trying to keep going but life just seems so awful. Not inherently awful, but the stupid society we have where people have to work such long hours and so on tht I just can't cope with. And people are so isolated... if we were all going out ina big group to tend the fields or something I'd actually find it easier. I feel like I don't belong here, I belong to a different time or place.

Have been weeping on and off for the last 24 hours. I just seem to have hit a wall. Please don't tell me to turn to anyone because bitter experience tells me that's how to lose someone.

Plase could I just have a hand hold.... novel solutions also welcome, although I dont think there's much hope. Just needed to tell someone.
Thank you x

Thanks Beez, will PM you.

Forgot to add xx

Hi, you remind me in many ways of myself in my early thirties. What really helped me was therapy provided by a low cost psychotherapy scheme (I am in London). This was not NHS and I would not hold out much hope for the short term therapy offered there. As a "deep thinker" psychotherapy was much more suited to me. If you google "low cost psychotherapy" you may find something. I have also found that getting really absorbed in something creative and meaningful really helps. I often thought I wanted more friends but in my younger days I really was not happy with a life of "parties" and meaningless work,even if I thought that was what I wanted. Some people are just not made that way. I now work in a demanding job which I often find difficult but which I find worthwhile, and this for me has been the key. I hope this helps.

OP, I've often found it's easier to make friends when you're 'doing' rather than being part of a social circle with them. Do you have political convictions? Getting involved in grassroots politics or social campaigning may be a good way to spend time with like-minded people. There's something about what you've written that makes me think you might enjoy that sort of thing.

Hand holding here. It sounds like a really tough situation.

Hello, sorry, please don't construe this as rude although it kind of is but I'm dropping a bit of a place mark here
I read the first part of your op and you sound a lot like me. I want to catch up with your thread properly but I've had and might end up just talking about me will read properly.

BBC sorry if I've missed it but have you got a MH diagnosis?

I might be misinterpreting you and I'm not in anyway a doctor but you sound slightly manic. I'm not trying to cause offence I have bipolar myself and type in similar style to you when I'm feeling it myself.

Honestly tell me too fuck off if you want and if I've just misinterpreted your writing style.

Hand hold from me too - I've been there after dd2. If you are feeling really low then you could think about going to A&E - might actually get your GP to do something.

I have another idea but I'll pm you about that.

I'll give you a handhold anyway. Like I said I have bi-polar, sometimes I feel like I could rule the world and sometimes all I do is hide from it.

It's a bit shit really.

What you are going through sounds extremely difficult but you seem to have a very wise grip on things. Is there a way you can petition your GP for access to a more helpful therapist? It took me over a year (which is probably a very short period of time for someone with long term MH issues) to find a therapist that 'got' me, but when I did she was wonderful and my life changed almost instantly. I only found her because I found talking therapies absolutely rubbish (lost internet connection, bullied into thinking it was my fault for missing appointments at a time I was very anxious). But the fact I complained about it so wholeheartedly made them actually take notice (and eventually the online 'therapist' was actually fired). Stick with it. Speak with them every day if you need to - therapists are out there on the NHS for us.

Do you have access to the countryside? I found (and still do) that fresh air, a walk or run really helped with my mood (a run particularly). That said, you can run or walk anywhere and it made me feel so much more positive.

Hopefully this helps, but regardless, you sound like a very kind person and I wish you all the best.

Sadly there isn't any way for me to get therapy on the NHS. It's been years trying. Seeing the GP makes me feel awful because my GP is emotionally exhausting to deal with. (Most of the MH system is too.) I'm treated like an irrelevant idiot, very pat-on-the-head-and-eye-roll. Being treated like that crushes me and winds me up at the same time. I know considerably more about psychology than them and yet get treated like an idiot.

I would like to find another private therapist, but waiting to hear about money/benefits appeal. I'm on an extremely low income atm. The problem is finding one who doesn't think it's too risky as I am entirely unsupported. Also finding a feminist deep thinker one... my previous therapist was through an organisation recommended by MIND, so I am unsure where else to look, as they obviously didn't match me to a suitable therapist. One of the problems seems to be that they are used to clients with money who are therefore coping enough to work day-to-day. Someone on benefits who is actually quite incapable seems to worry them. I feel I have this whole load of life experience they can't understand.

I also need to work out what I am going to stop doing if I start something new. Right now I just have to finish my course, but after that. I feel like I should be writing, volunteering, joining things in the hope of meeting new people. But I can't do all of those. That's the thing - everything is so fucked right now that every area of life needs improving but I can't manage it all. This year I chose to improve my qualifications, studying something I like - but at the expense of everything else.

I really, really wish there was someone in my life who cared about me and I could just have a cuppa and a hug.

Unborn I'm very intrigued you think I might be manic - can you elaborate? I feel sort of weepily crushed, in a very quiet way. But I do tend to have a sort of poetic outlook.... I dunno, I sort of feel things deeply and I don't think most other people feel things the same way... maybe that's it?

Montez Not at alll - speak tomorrow I guess :)

Sorry for rambling on again. In case anyone's wondering I don't normally intend to sleep so late but have been having an odd day today... zoning out a lot, time passing.

Thank you all very much for the hand holds and letting me spill all this out

I totally get what you're saying bbc, so I'll hold your hand if you could maybe hold mine too?

I think part of my dis-satisfaction with life lies in my belief that our society is bullshit and very much geared up to keeping the rich rich and the poor in their places. Or maybe everyone in their boxes. Basically it seems all about maximising tax intake and minimising expenditure.

we are not living a "natural" life, many of us are bound by the 9 -5 Monday to Friday thing, forced to having to completely readjust our bodies rythems because society does not accept night owls. And the indoctrination starts from early childhood. Most tension caused between me and my kids is me having to try to fit them into a box - school, homework, bedtime to be fresh for the next day, acceptable language etc etc

I would love to get rid of 90% of my stuff and go and live and work in the woods, no electricity, long hours in the summer, short hours and a bout of hibernation in the winter. But feel trapped by, well, life's trappings. Gah!

Sorry, my moan is not helpful at all but I'd like you to know you're not alone.

Exactly chit!
And whilst some can muse about these things academically, some people like myself actually can't cope in this world.

Also I was thinking these things in my early 20s, and figured meeeting likeminded people would help. But I still didn't seem to fit in... I'm a bit of a hippy but deep inside, not a pictureque one if that makes sense? Not one of the beautiful people... I genuinely accept people, but I don't do enough yoga for hippy credentials... or something.

bbc I don't laugh enough, but your response to my post did make me laugh.

I figured a long time ago I was born to walk alone...just one of those things.

Good morning or goodnight, by the way, whichever it may be for you. I may add more of my dis-satisfaction reasons when I wake up, there are many many more but the general gist was there. Take care, hey.

BBC honestly? Just how well your describing how you feel in your writing.

As you've said your poetic anyway, I notice an improvement in my own writing and speaking when I'm "higher" if that makes sense.

I don't think it's a very common sign of it but I've had a few doctors commentate on how articulate I am during an episode. Every cloud and all that.

I thought I'd mention it in the off chance and you'd know yourself in anything resonates which it hasn't so no harm done.

You do write beautifully.

If I was able to express myself, I could have almost written your first post, I've been through so much hurt and I've not really got any friends, any support.... and don't get me started on the NHS lack of support, therapists etc have a real way of making you feel like the life changing things you talk about should only be little niggles!

I would really like to be your friend, I'm not sure where you are Geographically, so I may only be able to offer support from afar!

You sound wonderful!

Some really good advice here. Another hand hold from me.
Could I ask what your typical day looks like? from getting up to going to bed. It might help some of the wise people here offer you suggestions on small changes you could make to your routine to help feel a bit better. A lot of your wonderful writing is based on philosophy and questioning the 'bigger' things about society, socialisation etc. Sometimes when you are feeling low it's better to forget about those bigger things and just focus on what will get you through the day.
Have you heard of WOOFing? It's a volunteer scheme where you go around the country, helping on farms and smallholdings, and accommodation etc is provided. I'm not sure if the organisation still exists, but your suggestion of wanting to work in the fields reminded me of it.
What are you studying at the moment? Would love to hear more about what takes your interest? No worries if you feel that's too outing.

OP another one here who recognises myself in your posts.

I found the Power of Now life changing. I then explored Buddhism and Christianity and got baptised 2 years ago. I know religion is out of fashion these days but I found the structure v helpful. E.g. Purpose Driven Life. Also I did a lot of volunteering for my church cooking group meals and found it really rewarding. My church run sessions on discovering your serving style and it was strangely liberating to have it confirmed that I did prefer to help behind the scenes and was good at it. While our culture tells us we all have to be pop stars, some of us would love to be roadies The whole helping others and living simply thing is what I take from Christianity and it's good to know I'm not alone in trying to base my life on it. There have been generations of writers and thinkers before me who have pondered the same issues. There are also people in my church who are trying to live by similar values and it's really helpful to see them and hear about their lives even if we have nothing else in common. If that makes any sense.

Like chitoff I have made peace gradually with the reality that I walk alone for the most part. It has been hard though and of course I still wish sometimes it were different. But now I see feeling depressed or wishing I was different as a luxury which actually I can't afford if I want to be happy. Part of that is accepting that it is perfectly attainable for me to be happy once I discover who I really am, which I wasnt encouraged to do because I live in a society that is almost 100% the opposite of my true nature. It is hard work and if you have just one person who supports you to discover who you really are then that is so precious. I did most of the hard work totally alone.

I totally get where you're coming from about working 9 to 5 pushing you to your limits. I also physically cannot do anything else besides exist while working 9 to 5. Have you read about the spoons idea?

Finding my Myers Briggs personality type also helped me figure out how the way I see the world is different to most people. And become more forgiving of other types through reading about them You can do a free test online if you haven't already.

Agree with pp's you sound intelligent and thoughtful and the kind of person I wish I could find to be friends with!

I am training as a therapist so I wanted to respond. Have you tried approaching any training centres or colleges as you may be able to access low cost therapy through them? I can't fully appreciate from your post why talking therapies aren't being recommended for you but I was just thinking that I think you would benefit hugely from being listened too wholeheartedly and for that I would recommend any Integrative or person centred approach.
I'd like you to really consider the idea that you may not be alone in feeling the way you do, as has already been demonstrated on this thread.
I wish you all the best.

Thank you all again for the further messages. Am procrastinating right now so must go and study and come back to reply properly tomorrow. (Yes it's late to be studying but I'm a bit of a night owl atm!)

User Talk therapies were recommended about 5 years ago - in-depth, longterm therapy. Then they cut NHS mental health services and pretended they'd never offered it, and wouldnt speak to me or answer my questions. Eventually, by speaking to chief exec. I convinced them to assess me again. Was assessed for short term interventions, and told I was unsuitable. This was by a woman who thought it ok to rake up deep, traumatic memories and then ask me what I was doing in day-to-day life to make myself feel so bad. And wrote that I seemed to dissociate and become "childlike" when asked about deeply painful things, she wrote it as if I was doing something wrong.

Apparently I am unsuitable, not their weird, short-term-don't-worry-be-happy therapies.

Since then I have had some low-cost therapy, through an organisation that also trains people... Perhaps you misunderstand what I mean by not having any money for it right now. I am on benefits for a single person, with a huge housing benefit shortfall as I am expected to houseshare (flat is v cheap otherwise). I can only just pay my bills, I don't drive or anything I can easily cut back on.

The problem with trainees is that they don't have the experience. Maybe some would be ok, I don't know... but the just-qualified (and thus cheaper) one I saw just didn't seem to understand things, she seemed out of her depth. And she refused to accept the state of NHS services, and became frustrated that I wasn't getting help from them - she assumed it was my fault somehow. It was really distressing actually, and rammed home that she didn't understand some of the most distressing, wrenching, reality-bending experiences I've had.

Oops, that was supposed to be a quick reply because I was wondering what the protocol is for therapists, with regard to their clients getting support. At point will they refuse to see them? When do they expect NHS services to step in, and what if they don't? That sort of thing.

It's so crap the way decent therapy is reserved for those who have money, whilst those who are poor because of their issues are treated as thickos by the NHS.

Must work now............

BBC I'm sorry you've had such a shit experience with MH professionals.

I never thought of myself as luck till I read other posters stories on here

How are you feeling today?

Very mixed, Unborn, thank you for asking. Trying to get uni work done. Feel in world of own. Not sure when I last had a real life conversation with someone! Did briefly speak to old friend the other night who might be moving back to UK. The one I mentioned upthread, actually. How are you today?

Hand hold please keep writing

I've got a stupid incident going round and round my head where I was made to feel stupid and patronised. Writing it down here because it's the only way I can think it might go away.

Had just moved into new flat - first time living alone, so lots of thing I needed to buy like oven gloves, plates etc, had written a big list. Had a big benefit back payment so no probs with money. CPN insisted I apply for a grant for new flat stuff. (I said I wouldn't if it was a limited fund as I didn't really need too - she insisted.) She then showed up randomly with someone who did the grants, asking me to make a list of what I needed, so I started to copy some items of my big list that I thought might be appropriate. She said they'd just take my original list, even though I pointed out it was a general shoppping list, not what I thought the grant would pay for. She insisted on taking it.

She looked at my list, pointed out something to her colleague, and they had a little giggle together. Then she said "I don't think they'll pay for all these things!" as if I was a greedy idiot expecting the council to fork out for fucking oven gloves/picture frames/whatever.

Incredibly, I said nothing, just self harmed and cried a lot later with frustration. I would say somethig now.

I cant make this memory go away, I think cos it typifies a lot of my experiences with them. Hopefully typing it out will help. Sorry, didn't want this to turn into a rant about the mental health system, it's not really, I just needed someone to hear. Thank you.

You shouldn't of been treat like that, no one should for that matter.

FWIW I'm a care I'm mostly palliative but I also do MH part time, I wouldn't dream of treating anyone like that and I'd report any "professional" I saw doing that.

I'm rightly not allowed to discuss service users but your not alone in being poorly treated. I've been told some horrible stuff, some I have reported with clients permission and some I haven't been able to.