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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed please

25 replies

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 11:44

Myself and my partner have huge problems with our ex's (mother/father of our kids). What can we do about, mainly his exs unreasonable behaviour? She won't discuss a problem, just screaming and shouting. Are there any options other than court or mediation?
This morning we've had calls shouting because bf has been to his kids new school (that the mother changed them to without discussing with him) to give his contact details for parents evenings, performances etc and also put in a absence request form for a holiday we are taking them on (2 days before school hols). I have no idea what is wrong with doing this?
Advice please?

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 11:49

Ignore her. Tell him to only have contact with her regarding pick up/drop off arrangements for the children. Do they have a fixed arrangement for contact? If she then he doesn't need any interaction with her so he can ignore anything she texts that isn't about rearranging contact etc. If they haven't got a fixed arrangement then I suggest he tries to get one.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 11:54

Yes they have fixed days times etc and that goes ok. It's just the constant conflict that's getting me down. I'm sat in tears because I can't understand what we've done wrong, I suffer from hi anxiety and this situation is killing me. I always try to understand other people's point of view but I can't see it?

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 11:56

Well there can only be conflict if he engages with it can't there? If he ignores it then it's just her ranting into thin air. He doesn't even need to tell you when she texts so there is no reason for you to be aware of it.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 12:03

Unfortunately it's more complicated than that. She used to be my best friend, her now partner is my exH and father of my dd, they had an affair. My now DP and I got together some time later after spending time supporting each other (it's like we "swapped" partners).

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:05

Nope, same advice. Ignore. You don't need to know when she is in touch with him. He just ignores it. Unless you actually enjoy the drama and playing the hard done by that is.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 12:13

I want nothing to do with her. My exH also called shouting at me about the same thing so I have no choice but to be involved.
All I was asking for was help in understanding what we may have done wrong, I was hoping someone might be able to see her point of view where I can't!?

OP posts:

ElvishArchdruid · 17/02/2017 12:20

She knows how to press your buttons, it sounds like what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander. Totally hypocritical.

I think just ignoring texts etc, think to yourself how would she & DH react if you just upped the kids with no prior consultation.

I know it's hard, I'm guessing the last thing you want or need is conflict with the anxiety. Try and take yourself to a happy place if you can. Or any other techniques you have to relax.

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:27

My exH also called shouting at me about the same thing so I have no choice but to be involved.

Don't answer. Why would you tolerate anyone shouting at you?

emsler · 17/02/2017 12:28

Nothing wrong with giving contact details. Taking them out of school for two days probably should have been discussed with her beforehand. Presumably she knew about the holiday?

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 12:36

Thank you Elvish, it's defo one rule for them and another for us.
Force- unfortunately I have very low self confidence after so many things I've been through, I put up with many things I probably shouldn't, I wish I was strong enough to sort this.
Hi emsler, she was defo aware of them needing 2 days off school and agreed to it months ago, we put in the request forms for both my kids schools and just did the same for theirs, mainly because we happened to be calling in anyway. She's apparently furious that he didn't tell her he was going to put the form in, also she says she wasn't planning on telling the school!? Why not? I really don't understand.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:38

I wish I was strong enough to sort this.

Strength doesn't appear, it comes from working the muscles required until they are strong. You can be strong (wishing doesn't do it unfortunately ) if you choose to be. Ignore his calls. What do you have to gain by answering and being shouted at and becoming stressed by them? Where is the benefit to you in that?

Underthemoonlight · 17/02/2017 12:41

Did you ask the DM if you could take them out of school before putting an absent form in?

emsler · 17/02/2017 12:51

In that case she's being completely unreasonable and it's perhaps time to go contact by email only?

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 12:57

Yes Underthemoonlight she was fully aware but was apparently planning to just not send them in!?
Force unfortunately I have to answer the phone to him in case it is regarding my Dd.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 12:59

No you don't. Tell him to text you.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 13:08

What if my DD is with him and wants to call me? I can't always not answer the phone, it could be an emergency.

OP posts:

ThatsPlenty · 17/02/2017 13:24

Hi Loopy. My DP had something similar happening with his ex. He cut her off completely and now only deals with her father. He picks up and drops off to him and all communication is through him. Is there anyone who could do this for you?

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 13:25

If your DD wants to call you she can text asking you to ring her. How old is she?

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 13:25

In an emergency he can text. You get the message either way.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 13:36

I'm sorry but I think an emergency requires a phone call! My Dd is 8.
Unfortunately my DP has no relatives in the uk and she has none close by either. He only has contact with her when totally necessary which is probably the main reason he didn't happen mention that he would put the form in.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 17/02/2017 13:38

As soon as he starts shouting, or discussing something that's not about your DD just say "I'm not listening to this" and hang up.

PuddleJumper01 · 17/02/2017 13:43

Ask him to text you unless it's DD wanting to speak to you or an emergency.

If he's shouting/ranting/raving you say "I'm not going to discuss this now, call me back when you're calmer" and terminate the call.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 13:46

Thank you for the advice. Does anyone have any idea why she is so enraged?

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 17/02/2017 15:18

Why are you so hung up on working out why she is so enraged? No-one here can answer that for you. Forget about why she is. Maybe she just loves finding reasons to hate you. Just get on with living your life. Don't engage with her. Don't worry about what she thinks of you.

Original poster

Loopydoop · 17/02/2017 19:21

Thanks. I just thought it might help if I could understand

OP posts:

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