AIBU to ask this about c sections...

[pizzafrenchfries]

So I have another post on here related to a yoga teacher and a debate on c sections and bonding but after speaking to a few other mums in real life I would really like to know...

My son was born by an emergency c section. I was conscious but it all happened very quickly... anyway.... after the birth people constantly asked: 'were you ok with that?' (Having the c section) as if it was an option... my ex yoga teacher implied it would restrict on bonding, and now a few of the mums at one of the mums groups i go to have said a few times about how if you give birth bu c section you miss out on the birth/ it's harder to heal from a birth/ birth is a beautiful experience you can't share if you're having a c section etc etc.

So basically my question is am I being unreasonable to think that most of the time a c section isn't an option and so asking if you minded having one is a redundant question?! Why do people feel if it's not a vaginal birth it's not a 'proper' one or you haven't suffered enough? And do people really think (like my ex yoga teacher) that vaginal birth is the only way and are actually 'against' c sections?! If so what happens if labor doesn't progress do they honestly believe you should die?

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

I've had 3. None through choice. Perfectly bonded with all 3 and no guilt on my part at all.

Competitive parenting gone mad! I'd tell your yoga teacher to sod off and find a less judgemental one.

There's always someone trying to throw a guilt trip at mums, you can never get it right.

Ignore ignore ignore.

[Clandestino]

All deluded Earth Mothers who believe that unless you gave birth with some soothing music in the background, naturally, with no epidural or Buddha forbid CS can go and fuck themselves. Sideways.
It's not about the way you gave birth. There are so many other factors which can influence how you bond with your baby except for that.
Yep, I gave birth by CS, not my choice. It added to three other deep tissue scars on my belly and caused further problems. I have never transferred those issues on my relationship with my daughter. She was my choice, she didn't ask to come to this world, she didn't cause my problems intentionally. I love the little opinionated madame and have loved her since the first moment she left my belly, opened her mouth and started screaming like a banshee.
There's a reason why I avoid the company of motherly mothers (i.e. women who believe that motherhood only defines them as human beings). That pissing contest in being the best mother, starting with "I had 4 children, you only have one, that's like having none. You don't know how much work goes into having more children." "Oh, she's eating chocolate? My XY has never ever tasted chocolate, it's unhealthy. Come here XY, have some edamame beans." Go away. Just go away. Makes my blood boil.
Rant over.

[Yura]

Tell her to F off. My older son (born abroad) almost paid with his life for the "natural birth is best" approach, and as it is he had to have many months of physio to be able to move both arms and legs.... Telling people like that that I prefer my child to be alive and healthy over the perfect experience for me (not that I believe that the majority of women have a great birth experience!) usually shuts them up. People worth talking to understand that every birth is different and would never make comments about the superiority of natural birth, even if they had an easy birth.
My second son was planned c-section - a calm experience. Of course I would have preferred an uncomplicated natural birth, but I DID NOT GET TO CHOOSE!
Closely bonded with both, breastfeeding and all btw. And so,is dad, who obviously never gave birth and didn't breastfeed.

[whyisitsohardtogetausername]

I would have died if not for an emergency C-section, I went on to have another, by planned C-section, I was awake for the second one, it made no difference to bonding, was just happy to have two healthy children. Tell them to do one!

[lalalalyra]

People get too caught up in the details. Yes, a straightforward vaginal birth is easier to recover from than a c-section (a c-section is major surgery and a lot of people do forget that). However a planned c-section that goes straightforward is also easier to recover from than an awful "natural" birth with a shit load of tearing and complications.

Lots of things affect bonding, but it's not about the actual method of the birth. The baby I struggled to bond with the most had the most straightforward birth of all 4 births I've had (2 c-section, 2 vaginal). Bonding and PND is mental health and if that was easy to predict then people wouldn't have so many issues being disagnosed or spotting it.

"Were you ok with that?" is only an acceptable question, imo, if it's part of someone telling/reassuring a woman "It really doesn't fucking matter how they get out of your body as long as you are both ok at the end".

I feel that women are done a disservice by other women a lot of the time. "natural" births and breastfeeding are not always easy and straightforward and we should stop promoting the idea that they are because that way people expect the bumps they hit and they don't get utterly sideswiped about not being able to achieve what "everyone" else does.

[BobbieDog]

I had a EMCS with dd who is now 4 years old. It was after a horrible 22 hour labour and she was back to back. It was an induction.

NEVER AGAIN!! I always said over my dead body would i experience labour ever again. I made sure i could have a ELC before i even became pregnant with this one.

In the last 4 years i have personally known 4 people to need corrective surgery on their private area after a natural birth.

I have no idea why people are obsessed with a natural birth. I personally cant think of anything worse.

[MimiTheWonderGoat]

It's nobody else's business, especially if they haven't been through it themselves. I had failed induction and EMCS and didn't get to see baby for 4 hours. I don't think if affected our bonding at all, though I was pretty upset for a long time that the birth hadn't gone to "plan". I think birth plans need a back-up plan section so that the idea of emcs doesn't come as such a shock. It's traumatic as hell when you aren't expecting it. If anything, PTSD could affect bonding, rather than the c-section itself, but that could equally affect a mother who experienced a tricky natural birth.

[BipBippadotta]

I had a c section after my baby died during labour - and several people I told about it were mainly horrified that I'd had a c section. 'Your baby died - how terrible. But you had a C SECTION? OH DEAR GOD!! Wasn't there anything you could have done to prevent it?'

I was even given a hard time about it by another mother of a stillborn baby, who kept boasting about her natural drug-free labour (she was still in a fuck of a lot of shock and delirious with grief - and when you lose a baby you will cling to anything that helps you feel like you're not an absolute abject failure - but still, it was really shitty to get that sort of judgement from her as well).

There's a lot of ill-informed magical thinking around what can and can't be avoided in childbirth. I blame the guff they teach you in NCT and hypnobirthing - we got constant bullshit about how if you're spiritually resilient enough you can be entirely in control of whatever happens; our bodies are made for this; if you only trust in nature and resist those pesky doctors everything will be OK.

[Spikeyball]

Thanks pizza and kaytee.

[MTB1003]

I have no idea why people are obsessed with a natural birth. I personally cant think of anything worse.

Same here!

[Blobby10]

I had two emergency C sections and one elective. Whilst I knew logically that if I hadn't had the emergency ones both my babies and I would have died, I still yearned for a 'proper' delivery. To the extent that I lied about my dates for my third pregnancy so I actually went 41 weeks before she was delivered. Even then, I wanted her on the Friday as in my 'desperate for a normal birth 'logic this gave her every chance to be born normally. When they insisted I went in on the Thursday I was crying my eyes out. Student doing epidural and couldnt get it in, horrible midwives - I was really upset. Then there was a power cut. I believed in someone watching over me that day! And they asked if I minded going back the next day for the birth. Which I did and discovered baby would never have been born naturally anyway.

But it took me several years to get over the feeling that I was a failure and had missed out on being a proper mother because i hadn't pushed those babies out myself - even though I went through full labours with the first two.

So to me, its not odd that someone asks if you are OK with having a C section. Equally its not odd if you aren't Ok with it! Everyone is different and we need to accept and understand that some people do feel it differently.

[BipBippadotta]

Spikey only just rtft and about your experience. Very sorry for your loss. Incredible how insensitive people are. They can fuck right off.

[FrogletinaBallerina]

I've had both types of delivery. DS was an emergency C Section under GA. His heart trace kept going odd so they needed him out. His delivery didn't make me feel like a failure, and we did still bond but I developed awful anxiety in relation to safety and security which is slightly better now after five years.

I know people who have had to have sections for medical reasons, they don't feel bad about it because for them it was the best way for their health and the baby.

If you feel you are having issues, please speak to your GP or a health professional. I left it for too long and had a breakdown in a shop. Don't be like me

[Spikeyball]

Sorry for your loss too Bip.

[SquatBetty]

I had an emergency c- section with my DS for which I am profoundly grateful as he would have died otherwise and I possibly would have as well. It has not affected our bonding - I love him like nothing on earth.

I'm currently pregnant and will have an elective c-section simply because
I couldn't give a flying fuck about having a natural birth - I'm quite happy to have whatever medical intervention is needed to ensure my child is delivered safely.

Your yoga teacher is a twat.

[SquedgieBeckenheim]

I hate the people who think the only "right" birth is vaginal, with no pain relief etc.
My first DD was induced due to pre-eclampsia. I had only gas and air as there was no time to get an epidural. I then had an eclamptic seizure. I was warned that it could take a few days in labour and end with c-section. I, frankly, was past caring. I just wanted her out with both of us alive. If I'd waited to go into labour naturally, or had no interventions, either one or both of us would have died.
DD2 is due in a few weeks, we don't know yet what the consultant's plan will be for delivering her (induction, or go into labour naturally). Again, I just want us both to get through it alive, by any means possible.
I've never written a birth plan, and I don't really get the point of them. Birth is such an unpredictable event, how can you plan for that?
A c-section doesn't make you any less of a mother. As a PP said, what does that make adoptive parents? If you have a child, regardless of how they came into the world, you are a mother.

[starfishmummy]

My answer to "were you OK with that?" would be a very truthful
"Without it both of us would be dead....so why do you ask?"

[citybushisland]

hmm, well I had an emergency section after 40+ hours of full on labour, that baby was posterior breech and not budging. I then had an elective one with my second because she was also breech and it was suggested, I wasn't offered a choice with the 3rd, I was told 'you're having a section'. No bonding issues and I was up and about the same day with all of them and home by the following lunchtime. I had 3 healthy babies that was all I cared about! Quite frankly don't we have enough crap to put up with without women creating this nonsense about the right way to give birth? Yes, obviously there is a 'natural' way and if you can then fantastic, some can't. Would they tell women who are on their 3rd round of ivf that they shouldn't bother as they won't bond because it's not fucking natural? No wonder we're still fighting for equality with men when we're dicking around fighting each other over perfect motherhood.

[gnushoes]

Your yoga teacher is being woo. Ignore.

[BluePancakes]

pizzafrenchfries
No, I didn't have HG in my second pregnancy, luckily. I had made plans to live with MIL (me and DD1) if it happened again, so I'm thankful it didn't! As soon as I got my BFP, my GP put me on Phernagon antihistamines as it can help sickness. I don't believe that stopped me getting HG (I was on 3 different meds the first time!) but it definitely helped the morning sickness. I still had sickness and nausea, but could eat and drink so (in comparison) I didn't care!

[lovingmatleave]

You are not BU. Ask them if you would rather your baby had died, that should shut them up. Because in reality as you say that is probably what would have happened. Tell them you are thankful you and baby are alive and leave it at that.

[HappyFlappy]

I've had both - I fell in love with both my babies the minute I saw them.

Healing from a section may not be as quick as from a vaginal delivery - but on the other hand it is very unlikely to leave you with stress incontinence! So there are swings and roundabouts to both, methinks!

[redheadlady]

OP it is totally a redundant question when emergency Csect! and how rude! personally since i couldnt do anything else other than sit with my baby for the 6weeks recovery period maybe that means you bond more/just as well? a vaginal birth they can just get on with housework etc as not major surgery (major physical event obviously). my NCT instructor liked to push no drugs/no induction/no csection - saying you could tell them "no id like to push more" etc but why would you? frankly i think it'd you would find it more difficult to bond if one or both of you died because you refused medical intervention! (sorry i know that may sound flippant and i don't mean it that way - its just so infuriating!) i don't know who these people think they are. YANBU at all and i think you'd be well within your rights to tell them where they can take their opinions and questions!

all anyone wants is for their baby to arrive safely and for you both to go home healthy afterwards. emergency Csection is a valid was of achieving this!

[CrowieGirl432]

I do wish those of us who have to have c-sections had a bit more support. I snapped at my midwife when she said - so you want a c-section? No - I don't particularly want major abdominal surgery but three doctors have told me it's the safest option. Plus if you're having a c-section there's so little out there to help you prepare, if you know what I mean. You just end up feeling alienated by all the yoga/hypnobirthing stuff.

[redheadlady]

....and surely (unfortunately) there are women who have given birth vaginally who for whatever reason don't immediately bond/ever bond with their children? There's just too many variables for each individual baby, mother and birth experience to make such a sweeping statement like that!