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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this divorce will financially ruin me and my children

77 replies

financialiasco · 16/02/2017 11:41

Have to try and buy stbex out of the mortgage. Application has been referred although I got a decision in principal last year (when I wasn't ready) without it being referred and nothing has changed.

Stbex has nothing. I earn quite well (about £45K and we're in quite a cheap part of the country) but it seems I am never going to be comfortable. I have about £5k I credit cards, mainly built up during the marriage due to useless ex, but all in my name. /They are om 0% deals, but I hate the feeling of anxiety they bring when the deals come to an end - if I can't transfer to another deal they will soon start spiralling. I have another loan of about £3K I had to take when I had to replace my car. it has about 3 years left on it.

I am hoping to pay ex about £11K if the bank allow it and then he wants another £10k when the youngest is of age, so that will always be hanging over me. I am ok at the moment, and have a reasonable amount left in my current account each month (couple of K) but it's not 'real' because the divorce isn't settled, I have all those debts and no savings (do have those trust funds for the dc, each with about £5K in). If ever I think about the dc going to uni I feel sick. What on earth do people do?

I stupidly booked a holiday for this year last summer and still owe about £1200 on it. All these things just hang over me all the time and I feel I will never be straight. I have money in the bank and just want to take the dc somewhere relatively expensive just to get out of the house and have a nice time, but then decide I shouldn't, then just sit around feeling anxious and round and round it goes. I wish I could talk to someone about it but people around me have heard it all before and I can't keep on about it.

Meanwhile stbex swans around with endless debts to his name and, assuming I can still get it, will soon piss away a further £10k of my (I know it's strictly ours, but still stings).

AIBU or will it ever get better?

OP posts:
Original poster
financialiasco · 16/02/2017 13:10

Solicitor also in favour because it's a lump sum and not a %, so he won't benefit more from increases in value. This is why I just want it all to go through now and not have the bank turn me down after agreeing last year.

OnBliss the expense of it is ridiculous and the fact that being married to someone makes you financially responsible for them ... I would never have married him if I knew then what I know now.

Dc are 7 & 9, so uni a long way off, but one of my regular night time worries. a spreadsheet sounds a good idea, will have to bribe a friend to introduce me to the joys of excel.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2017 13:11

the expense of it is ridiculous and the fact that being married to someone makes you financially responsible for them ... I would never have married him if I knew then what I know now.

That works vice versa aswell though.

It is tough, but it is why women seeking advised to marry on MN all the time.

Original poster
financialiasco · 16/02/2017 13:23

Yes, a lot of potentially vulnerable sahms have obviously been protected in this way, but I l just wish the law didn't assume lower-earner automatically equates to selfless martyr who could have had an amazing career but 'gave it all up'. Also, once the marriage ends, particularly when it lasted a relatively short amount of time and the dc still little, that person should be expected to pick up their life again, not continue to be supported. (Doesn't apply to me as h not asking for maintenance). And, if they are leaving and not being the rp/assuming any financial responsibility for the dc (certainly does apply to h) then I think that should be offset against what they think they are entitled to from the 'pot'. Yes, he is entitled to equity, but it seems no account is taken of the fact that he makes no financial provision at all for the dc (except for feeding them when he has them) and doesn't allow thought for their futures to impact on decision he makes about his own life. Ever.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/02/2017 13:25

OP, this is very natural but this period will pass

Its does sound to me like you need to suit down and do a warts and all review of the finances moving forward, in all sincerity (you know this now) you couldn't afford that holiday- it might be that till your a more financially steady its UK camping for you. that's OK, better than an unhappy marriage!

You need to go on a financial diet, examine every single outgoing, look at every single DD and put yourself on a very strict budget-

once the debts are paid off, then it will all be a bit easier

and again, better LIDL cereal and camping - thaN stuck in an unhappy marriage FOREVER

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/02/2017 13:28

OP is you PM me I can email you a very easy template to use Grin

FV45 · 16/02/2017 13:29

OP, am in a similar situation to you and I'm afraid I can only empathise not offer solutions.

I bought my ex out of our mortgage-free home. We split assets 50:50 so he had all the savings and then I raised a mortgage for the rest. So
I now have no savings, a mortgage and a child going off to uni in Sept (and a 7 yo).

I comfort myself in knowing I am secure - I have the house and he's in rented. I earn a decent salary and can manage each month, but there is little left over. I have a £3000 credit card (0% interest).

I need to sit tight for a few years so I can build the savings up again.

I had to get rid of him, it was an abusive marriage and I am much, much happier, but yeah, I feel resentful and anxious.

FV45 · 16/02/2017 13:29

and yes, I am mad that the divorce expenses should have been for the kids. That's what really stings.

BreconBeBuggered · 16/02/2017 13:34

Don't let the pp's comment about finding £6-8k pa to fund university living costs add to your anxiety. You have enough to deal with right now and it sounds as if that's a long way off, but on your income you wouldn't be expected to contribute anything like that amount.

pog100 · 16/02/2017 13:34

Just as far as the Uni. worry is concerned, no one has a clue how financing that will look when they reach that age. My experience, both as a parent of two children that have been through Uni. and as a lecturer for more than 20 years, is that the children of supportive middle class parent(s) will always manage it. A combination of full loans and term time jobs adequately covers it with minimal financial support from parents. The ones that really suffer are those with no support emotional or financial at all from home.

Original poster
financialiasco · 16/02/2017 13:34

Thank you for sharing that FV45. It stinks that someone would be happy to take security from their children in that way and that the law supports it. It really helps to know others are coping in similar situations and it sounds like you'll be fine when you've come through the shit bit in a few years, and I'm sure I will be too. the resentment and anxiety are a killer though in the meantime Smile.

OP posts:
EnormousTiger · 16/02/2017 13:37

financial my divorce let me payingo ut to my ex (who is very sensible like I am with monery by the way and always worked very hard full time as I do to give him his credit but I earnef 10x more). I paid a lot (59%) for a clean break. Make sure the court seal the financial court order and it is a clean break - no maintenance veven £1 a year. I gave him my life savings, all my shares and a slug of equity from the house and I WAS able to remotrgage and left with £1.3m of divorce debt on the house but it was worth it. He is not on the house. He is owed nothing. Clean break and we are all a lot happier.

Don't worry about university costs. If necessary the children can take the loans and get jobs to pay anything else they need. I really would not worry about it at all as it is 10 years away for you now. A lot can happen in 10 years.

I will not marry again. No way is a second man going to get so much money. In fact I don't even ilke anyone staying over.

FV45 · 16/02/2017 13:40

Oh and I've booked a holiday I can't afford. Sod it.

We went to the same place last year (just me and the boys) and it was meant to be when the divorce was over. It wasn't. And while the holiday was lovely, I came back to the hideousness.

So I get that as well.

EurusHolmesViolin · 16/02/2017 13:41

I'd keep the holiday too. I wouldn't have booked it, but now you have I'd go.

VivDeering · 16/02/2017 13:59

Meanwhile, his dm will pay for him and the dc to go away (expensive and lovely part of the uk) at Easter and I have no one to help me out...It all just feels so unfair.

I think you should break this up.

What do you think about your children having a grandmother?
What do you think about your children going on a lovely holiday?
What do you think about the fact your ex is supported by his mum?
What do you think about the fact that you have no one to bail you out?

What do you have control of anyway?

How can you best look after yourself?

How can you best manage your feelings?

VivDeering · 16/02/2017 13:59

Also, perhaps in a year's time you could approach your children's grandmother about saving for their adulthood?

booitsme · 16/02/2017 14:01

Meshers are a last resort but if you can't raise enough capital to buy him out and protect your pension then I understand the logic. If you look at capital and pensions globally it seems you are well over 50% and your sol is telling you it's a good deal. Sounds like you've benefitted from him wanting hard cash. You are fortunate he wants a figure and not a % for lump sum - very rare as that's not inflation protected but maybe he knows what he's doing (has had advice) as by stating a figure he won't have to pay capital gains tax on it.

It's hard but you sound like you have mediated a way to leave this marriage and move forward. As long as you are able to pay back the lump sum when a triggering event occurs then you should be ok. Separating means finances take a hard hit but you will recover.

MrsTeller · 16/02/2017 14:05

It sounds like you've got a good settlement OP, as you know most divorces equalise pensions which is a big deal. I've been there an understand how frustrating it is having to buy out equity (it's not real money unless you're selling) but in time you'll own your own home and have your full pension, you'll be in a much better position than him.

I was grateful our mortgage was close to being paid so my mortgage is small compared to most. I also took DD on a "fuck it we need it" holiday using savings I shouldn't have spent and I don't regret it.

Waltons · 16/02/2017 14:12

I really think you should take Uni out of the equation. With 9 and 11 years to go, everything and anything could change before then. They may not want to go to Uni at all, or they can take out a loan for part/all of the cost in due course.

You have other worries and debts that are far more pressing, and you don't need to look for more stuff to beat yourself up with.

bluejelly · 16/02/2017 14:16

I agree with Waltons. Uni is a long way off and all sorts of things can happen in the meantime.
And would definitely keep the holiday especially as you've already made a downpayment. Next year do a cheap and cheerful one, but this year sounds like you need a decent break.

Headofthehive55 · 16/02/2017 14:42

My DD is at uni. We certainly don't give her 6-8k! Only just over 3k, but we are much higher earners and she isn't entitled to any grant. So we replace what she would get as a grant. Her friend manages without parental input at all. So don't worry about it!

Silentplikebath · 16/02/2017 14:48

My DC have all gone through uni with almost no financial from me due to illness. They had part time jobs during their last year at school and throughout university. One of their part time jobs actually led to a good career opportunity after graduation for one of them. Please don't worry about saving up for university at the moment.

I agree that you really need that holiday at the moment!

FV45 · 16/02/2017 14:54

Smile am loving all the support for the well needed holidays.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/02/2017 15:56

OP my kids get the absolute minimum loan because we are high earners. We top them up with 4.5k and they both go to Uni in big cities where they are basically able to pick up as much part time work as they want.

Remember there are also university bursaries available for kids from disadvantaged backgrounds and kids with exceptionally high grades.

And there is always the option of them taking a gap year first and earning some money.

Seriously, don't worry about Uni, it will be fine.

Headofthehive55 · 16/02/2017 16:08

You are making me feel mean now tinkly !

nachogazpacho · 16/02/2017 16:26

Holiday sounds lush.

You have no control over what he does financially or how responsible he is. It is unfair and frustrating, but at some point you'll just think 'fuck it, I'm not wasting energy feeling this way anymore.' Then you free yourself from the bullshit and concentrate on your own life/finances.

Can you visit CAB - perhaps you may want to consolidate the loan and the credit card debts? This will need investigating...spread sheet is the way to go from now on. It's very comforting knowing what's going in and out. Also, live a bit more in the moment. Uni will happen somehow, or they may not want to go at all. Cross that bridge nearer the time. Save as much as you can every month and it soon adds up for rainy day/extras/christmas etc etc