To think this divorce will financially ruin me and my children

[financialiasco]

Have to try and buy stbex out of the mortgage. Application has been referred although I got a decision in principal last year (when I wasn't ready) without it being referred and nothing has changed.

Stbex has nothing. I earn quite well (about £45K and we're in quite a cheap part of the country) but it seems I am never going to be comfortable. I have about £5k I credit cards, mainly built up during the marriage due to useless ex, but all in my name. /They are om 0% deals, but I hate the feeling of anxiety they bring when the deals come to an end - if I can't transfer to another deal they will soon start spiralling. I have another loan of about £3K I had to take when I had to replace my car. it has about 3 years left on it.

I am hoping to pay ex about £11K if the bank allow it and then he wants another £10k when the youngest is of age, so that will always be hanging over me. I am ok at the moment, and have a reasonable amount left in my current account each month (couple of K) but it's not 'real' because the divorce isn't settled, I have all those debts and no savings (do have those trust funds for the dc, each with about £5K in). If ever I think about the dc going to uni I feel sick. What on earth do people do?

I stupidly booked a holiday for this year last summer and still owe about £1200 on it. All these things just hang over me all the time and I feel I will never be straight. I have money in the bank and just want to take the dc somewhere relatively expensive just to get out of the house and have a nice time, but then decide I shouldn't, then just sit around feeling anxious and round and round it goes. I wish I could talk to someone about it but people around me have heard it all before and I can't keep on about it.

Meanwhile stbex swans around with endless debts to his name and, assuming I can still get it, will soon piss away a further £10k of my (I know it's strictly ours, but still stings).

AIBU or will it ever get better?

I have no problem paying monthly bills etc and already do most of what's on MSE etc. I could pay a lot more monthly towards the cc but am paying minimum amounts atm because I don't know how much I'll end up paying in solicitor fees etc, so want to leave a buffer. It's the uncertainty that's killing me - if the mortgage company turn me down (why would they???) I will be fucked amd stuck with a mesher (sp?) order hanging over me for the next 12 years or so. I just want to know where I am.

Despite the credit cards being in your name they are marital debts and he's liable for half (I know this from experience). Same goes for any other debts.....loans, storecards etc, anything that was used to purchase stuff for the family/home.

So the problem is not the situation but how you manage your feelings about the situation?

I think because your panicking you can't see the wood for the trees

If you can get the uni money out that's 15k I'de pay off debts with that, the kids Will have to deal with uni if and when it happens. Booking holidays was a bit short sighted to be honest, I would have stuck that money in the solicitors fund. Your ex may want those totals, but is he realistically gong to get it?

You need to get to financial mediation ASAP. We did this, it wasn't cheap but you need someone to hand to write down in black and white who gets what then full financial separation STAT. Any debts you have are currently joint debts and will be taken out of the equation of how much money you currently jointly have (including the house.)

It is frustrating. However, it does sound as if you have been living beyond your means even before the split with credit card debt and the other loan. The only thing to do now is tighten your belt and try and get some debts paid off. I wouldn't cancel the holiday if I'd lose a substantial amount of money. I might consider remortgaging as rates are so low at the moment. And if things get better you could repay more monthly.

Thank you for everyone's replies btw - think I've sounded a bit snippy but I'm in a bad place today for some reason. The bank phone call has freaked me a bit.

We had mediation and our original debts were about double what they are now but I paid them down in the first couple of years of our separation. It has already been taken into account when agreeing a settlement. Mediation was useless - we have very little to take into account anyway but ex is adamant he doesn't want pension as he'll 'be dead by then' and also expects a hefty inheritance at some point, while I don't. Our figures are based on the maximum the bank said they'd lend me last year, but now they are saying they need to refer it and need payslips, statements etc.

So the problem is not the situation but how you manage your feelings about the situation? I think this is it really, and I'm not managing it well today. People saying I shouldn't be having the holiday are also shaking me, but I can see I'm probably being irrational in saying that.

It's really hard to comment without knowing the full facts, one relevant factor is his contribution. If you were the only wage earner presumably he looked after the children ? If so I think he is entitled to be bought out

Have you done a proper spreadsheet?

Column headings months for next three years

Rows expenses, everything that you can think of regardless of when it goes out i.e. council tax, morgage, gas, electric, phone, mobile, school lunch, car maintenance, car tax, car insurance, bouse insurance, kids clubs, pocket money, food shops, clothes, misc spend, birthdays, holidays, loans, credit cards

Write everything down that goes out whether its annually or monthly. Sum each column and carry the balance over to the next column so you can see your cash rich months and tighter ones.

Write down everything that comes in i.e. child benefit, salary, child maintenance.

Once you've got all the essentials down you can start to get a feel for if the holiday is going to send things spiraling or actually over 12/ 24/ 36 months things are all going to balance out okay.

Ebay love to promote that many houses have £4k of unused stuff in them. I don't know about the figure £4k but most people probably have a good few hundred of quite easy sell stuff. My DC have got involved in selling stuff to fund our travels for years. We have a family total and they really get into helping work towards it. If you really want this holiday then work out your figures and find a way to afford it.

You need to relax a bit and run with it. You will always be fine if you continue earning £45k a year plus.

Don't worry about the holiday?

Just out of interest, What made you want to marry and have kids with this lazy bastard? You sound quite sensible. Did he pull the wool over your eyes ?

Although 8k of debt isn't massive, if it's causing you stress you should think about prioritising paying it off. Who came up the plan of giving stbexh 11k now and 10k later? Your budget should also include reasonable activities with the children, planned into it. Assuming your children aren't going to uni in the next three years I'd work on paying debt off, renegotiating with stbexh re what he gets and when, and then think about savings once you've cleared your current debts. Once the divorce and remortgage is done it will be much easier to keep your finances straight. Don't panic.

Yes he looked after the children and I have never said I don't think he should be bought out. He is being, assuming the bank let me. What annoys me is that since leaving three years ago he has done nothing to improve his sitauTION FINANCIALLY and all the responsibility is on me. Does he spend a second worrying about the dc going to uni? Does he fuck because he knows it would never be him who had to deal with it.

Meanwhile, his dm will pay for him and the dc to go away (expensive and lovely part of the uk) at Easter and I have no one to help me out. She may well have money set aside for them for uni, but I obviously wouldn't know, and it may be eaten to by the money she is having to through at her useless son every month. (She gives him £800 'pocket money every month). My dc will be lucky if I can even put them through uni, never mind pour all the money he has had gifted to him over the years. It all just feels so unfair.

throw

Sometimes, the thing you cannot afford to do without is proper legal advice.

You cannot let this financial situation go on. It's full of what you hope to do, not what has actually been agreed will be done.

I also recommend you try mediation ASAP - it's cheaper and quicker than continuing to negotiate through lawyers alone. If you don't know what you owe your solicitor and it's worrying you ask for an interim bill - you can pay money in advance on account going forward and ask to have monthly bills. Meshers are not popular anymore as they 'put off the evil day', remember they are a % not a figure so if your house goes up in value so does what you pay back. Try and raise a lump sum to pay him off now with no mesher. Also make sure you get at least nominal Maintenance as a safety net - therefore if his income increases you can apply for spousal maintenance to increase (nominal is usually something like £1 a year but leaves door open to apply in future). Ps when mortgage company review finances there is a good chance they will tell you the credit cards have to be cleared first

Resolve quickly so he can't run up anymore debt whilst you are married. Also, whilst legally the debt is in your name - as you are married there can and should be a discussion about whether his overspending should reduce any lump sum you pay him so you can pay off debt that isn't usual family spending. That's a conversation that can take place in mediation - family law very rarely takes into account someone's conduct (must be extreme) but you can have that conversation in mediation.

It's hard to make an assessment on the finances without knowing how much the mortgage is, the equity in the house, and the ages of the children now as this affects future planning
My comments though would be:
1)Do not default on any payments on anything as this could affect you taking over the mortgage.
2)Ensure NOW that husband can't run up any more debt on credit cards etc that you could be responsible for.
3) Has DH actually made any contribution to the existing mortgage- if he hasn't, then should he be expecting a share of it?
4) Is he going to contribute regular maintenance for DCs until they are out of full time education?
5) Your debts don't sound so large to me, though depends on how much the mortgage is etc. Go on holiday as there's no point in losing £1000 deposit.
6) Consider enquiring about part of the mortgage as being on an 'interest only' basis -not a great option long term on your only residence, but could be a really great idea for a couple of years while you get back on your financial feet.
7) Don't even think about uni fees at the moment unless your kids are about to go. It is means tested to some extent Maybe ex husband will need to contribute that other £10k at a later date?
8)Seek out a recommended financial advisor and look at all the mortgage deals available- you may be able to get a much better deal than just renegotiating your current one. Make sure they are independent, so they can search the whole market for you. I used one recently, and he was very efficient and got me a great deal. pm me if you want his details ( I have no personal connection to him).
9) I think it's natural for you to feel very anxious about finances etc at this time, and shouldering all the responsibility, but you will be more than ok if you are able to earn £45k.At least you'll be in financial control and will be able to budget accordingly. It may however be worth a session with a solicitor to see how reasonable DH is being in expecting a £11k windfall at this time!

How old are the children?

You can get through this . I don't have much advice to give you, but when I left my ex 4 years ago I had £146 to my name, the clothes on my back and 2 young children. Managed to kind of get back on my feet, then because of something he did last year I lost everything again and my girls and I were almost out on the street. We have under £200/month to live on, but we get by. It is possible, and you can do this. and a holiday at a caravan park for £79 for a weekend isn't so bad and can be lots of fun

Worrying about all this when you're feeling emotional is not good - all I can advise is to get a good night's sleep and think about it again tomorrow, and get some financial advice.

No, it has been agreed - by h and I have had legal advice. Solicitor has advised this is a good deal for me as it gives ex slightly less than 50% of the current equity, with 50% of that being deferred until a time that suits me. He is not touching my most valuable asset, my pension, and she says, based on her experience of judges in this area, they would be likely to insist on his having some of the pension if he had any less of the equity- and that is still a risk so we just have to see what happens.

As I have said, I did have a decision in principal but it expired while I was waiting for a copy of marriage certificate to come from abroad. I have also been in mediation and finally came o an agreement myself with H.

It's not just based on what I hope at all .

From what you have posted, this isnt about money at all.

You have enough coming in to cover your outgoings and to service your debts, I would keep the holiday btw.

This is about the fact that he is sitting back, getting it all handed to him on a plate from Mummy and to add insult to injury, you have to hand over a wodge of cash. I would be massively pissed off about that too.

But getting angry at him wont make anything change apart from your own mental health. If you fixate on how unfair it all is you will get eaten up with bitterness. It wont make him get a job or work harder or provide for his kids instead of allowing his mother to do it all. It will just damage you.

The best way to reduce anxiety over this is to be absolutely clear what position you are in. If you don't already get a spreadsheet and forecast your ins and our from now for 2 years into the future. Put everything down, and as you go along amend where necessary and replace your forecast with actual spending. Seeing that you can comfortably manage your debt without a problem will help no end. Stay in control, don't let the worry take you over. Plan for a worst case and then when it isn't so bad you will feel like you are winning :-)

I would make sure that the 11k now and the 10k later is legally advised btw, just because he wants it doesnt mean that he is entitled to it.

I'm sorry to read this OP. I am going through a divorce and while my situation is not the same as yours it sickens me how unfair and expensive the process is. Fortunately I have no DCs so it is only my future that I have to think about. My solicitor has told me that while my STBXH isn't working he will have to prove that he is actively looking for work as part of the financial settlement. Perhaps that could work in your favour if yours isn't looking?

x post about the equity

I would make sure that the 11k now and the 10k later is legally advised btw, just because he wants it doesnt mean that he is entitled to it.

OP says they have had legal advice.