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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU ... ?

23 replies

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 18:32

... To think this was flirting?

So me and other half (been together 14 years) went round to our mates house for drinks on Friday. We were in the kitchen I was sitting down and partner and my female friend were standing next to each, facing her husband, with their backs to me. I'm drinking my drink and then I notice my husband put his hand on the top of my friends back. After a bit he slid it down to her lower back where it stayed until the group broke up maybe a minute or less. I'm sitting behind them horrified at what I was seeing but didn't confront him until the day after. He said he was very drunk (which was true) and that he doesn't remember doing it. She's not really a close friend but we meet up for drinks as couples now and again. Also on photos of us at the end of the night their heads are leaning into each other and I can't see where one of his hands is...
Am I over reacting to think that this was flirting? Should I be worried? If it was me and her husband did this to me I would definitely feel that this was an intimate touch... And I would have instantly moved away especially if we were was talking to my husband at the time!
I don't know what to think I just feel very angry and upset and think if he can do that when I'm there what can he do when I'm not?
It's been years since I was paranoid like this 😞.

OP posts:

foxyloxy78 · 15/02/2017 18:53

It certainly sounds a bit suspect. Does he often get touchy feely when drunk?

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 19:12

To be honest yeah he does and it doesn't usually bother me as it's usually with people who I know he wouldn't be interested in in that way but this is my friend she's pretty , a good laugh - and this just seemed a little bit more intimate than how he usually touches people - like the way I would expect him to touch me , if that makes sense .

OP posts:

Anotherdayanotherscreenname · 15/02/2017 20:05

Being drunk is no excuse. If he can't control himself drunk he should control his drinking. I'd be mortified if DH did something like this to my friend. Has he apologised?

acquiescence · 15/02/2017 20:16

Nope not flirting, that is actually coming on to her. Not on. Does he have nights out where he gets drunk and you're not there?

Trifleorbust · 15/02/2017 20:17

That's not on at all.

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 20:20

I am mortified I am literally on the verge of leaving him over this. I know that sounds extreme hence why I was after the advice here and so far it's as I expected. Oh yes he is very apologetic he is not the kind of guy to cheat... Well I'm 99% sure he wouldn't. He's angry at himself and says he doesn't want anyone else but me... At the time I was quite drunk myself and thought 'woah ok did that actually happen' but now thinking back to it over and over it really makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Jenniferb21 · 15/02/2017 20:22

It depends on the nature of your friendship but I'd ask that friend if she recalls it and if it seemed flirtatious to her?

I understand though if that doesn't feel right.

Good luck id be angry too xxx

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 20:23

No he doesn't often go out without me and get hammered like that. Maybe once a month or less he goes to the pub with friends but just a few beers he's never really that drunk and is always home on time (when pub closes) and usually dropped off by his friends or in a taxi with friends. The rest of the time we are drunk together with friends.

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Bantanddec · 15/02/2017 20:26

I think it's more then flirting, he was trying his luck. Hope you're ok op.

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 20:26

I don't feel like I can confront the friend we aren't like that close really well I thought we were getting there. Also during text conversation after the night she bought up that she didn't remember much about the night either and did I? Which I pretty much did, I drank quite a bit but I think after that happened I subconsciously kept myself sober.

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Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 20:27

Do you really think he was trying his luck right there in front of her husband and me! Wow this guy has got to go!

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ChicRock · 15/02/2017 20:31

Yup, he was trying his luck and she wasn't exactly putting a stop to it.

Like you, if a friend's husband pulled this shit with me, I'd remove his hand and move away and I'd be making it clear that his hands were not welcome on me.

Jenniferb21 · 15/02/2017 20:39

Just been thinking about this some more. Also to add if it were my DH I would say either way it was offensive and embarrassing to me. He needs to control his alcohol consumption levels if necessary but if he does it again you will question your relationship etc. I think it's fair to give another chance and if he takes it seriously as well he can control his behaviour from now on

Xxx

foxyloxy78 · 15/02/2017 20:46

Was going to say that the other woman should have moved away. That's not on.

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 20:53

He did say he would stop drinking so much as he is really angry and upset that he has made me feel this upset. It has only been recently that he has got drunk to the point of not remembering - we've become quite the party animals lately.
I am really embarrassed knowing I have to face this woman everyday (she's a mum at the school) with her (probably) knowing that he put his hands on her- will she now think he wants her? Does she want him to want her? I know her husband is quite possessive so maybe she didn't move because she didn't want to cause a scene in front of him? I can't really remember who broke up the conversation I was in too much shock to notice. She did go quiet towards the end of the night but that may have been because she was too drunk.

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RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 15/02/2017 20:55

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if she does remember, actually. That text sounds like she's testing the water to broach it with you.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 15/02/2017 21:00

I didn't think my ex was the type to cheat at all, thought he was really one of the good guys. Even when he started hanging out a lot with a woman from his hobby. She added me on Facebook which was weird as we had never met. Still didn't think much of it. She kept texting him at random times to go for coffee...thought she was just friendly. Thought all of this right up until I saw a Facebook conversation between them about "getting up to mischief on the night out" "we should probably stop all this flirting it's going to get me into trouble" "oh but if we stop you will never get to make me squirt" (that last one nearly made me vomit).

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 21:02

That's exactly what I thought raspberry

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Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 21:03

Gosh moustache that's awful. My guy was cheated on by his ex wife so I really didn't think he would do the same to me. Those messages are disgusting if I saw something like that I would be gone without a second thought.

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Jayfee · 15/02/2017 21:08

actually sounds like you both might slow up on the booze..social drinking is fine but drinking so you cant remember is risking all you have . i only drank like that when i was unhappy with life.

Kmxxx14 · 15/02/2017 21:11

It's definitely out of order. I would be livid with OH but I do think he would genuinely never cheat on me.

In this circumstance I would probably forgive but I would be wary. If he's never done this before or anything like it then perhaps he was very very drunk and acting out of character. Not saying that it's acceptable, it's definitely not and he should absolutely watch his alchohol intake from now on, but if it is just a genuine one off caused by far too much alcohol, then I could probably get passed it.

Sorry your going through this.

I just know from my own experience that there has been times I've been far too drunk and said things I really don't mean/want to say. Just trying to relate that to your OHs situation. I have as a result however learned from my experience and as a result don't drink much so this is what I would expect from
My OH if he done similar.

Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 21:25

Kmxxx14 I totally get what you're saying he is usually a (not overly) flirty person but for me this just seemed to be over stepping the mark- like I can deal with giggling with each other and dancing but as I said before it just looked like an intimate touch. They've never been alone before so I know nothing has previously happened to make this occur.
I too have said/done things I regret when I have been drunk however I would like to think I would never inappropriately touch his friends and especially not in his presence!

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Original poster

Trusay78 · 15/02/2017 21:27

You're right jayfee- we do! Well I definitely don't feel like I can go drinking with these friends again it's just going to be really awkward avoiding it!

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