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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to be actively avoiding the inlaws?

90 replies

Meepicheep · 15/02/2017 11:24

Short answer is probably yes, but I'll give you a bit more detail.

DH and I met in the first year of university (18 years ago) and from the off my MIL didn't like me - because I'm Welsh. She could just about manage a polite conversation with me (I would occasionally visit during holidays) and then slag me off to the OH. Because he's awesome, he'd back me up. She doesn't like anything to do with Wales because her father drowned there when she was a little girl. I totally accept she probably has untreated PTSD from this and therefore a lot of tongue-biting has gone on over the years when she says things that show a lack of empathy for other people. When the OH asked me to marry him, the MIL and FIL refused to talk to him for a whole summer. BIL was supportive of my OH at the time and remains the same - backing up my DH when my inlaws claim they were never horrible to him.

So, we bumbled along for two years at university. In the third year, because of rising rents, the OH lived with me and my parents. Inlaws were happy with this arrangement as it saved them money.

In the January of the third year we decided to set a date and the first date we could get was November. Excited, I went to buy a wedding dress and the OH spoke to his parents about the wedding. Their reply was basically "don't care, don't approve." I tried to talk to my future MIL around end of January about the wedding dress (it was a bargain, she loves saving money) and she very literally turned her back on me and walked out of the room.

Not long after this the OH was told I wasn't good enough for him because I came from a benefits family. Both my parents had worked, my mother giving up to be a SAHM and my father taking early retirement to become her carer when she developed MS (I was about 17). So, yes, we were on benefits - but so what? I'd made it to uni (though I lived at home) and both me and the OH were lined up to do teacher training the year after graduating.

Roll forward to September. We have actively tried to engage the inlaws in all discussions - asking them if we can book them a hotel, explaining that it was a cold buffet (all my parents could afford), asking what type of flowers they liked - she in particular was great at changing the subject. In September we gave them a copy of a weddin invitation as a keepsake. They said that was the first time they realised we were serious and would make it 'if they could.' Do I need to add that they were quarter of an hour late to the church and went home before the evening do?

Still, to this day, they will argue that they didn't find out until September and would have liked to be more involved - which is BS. We tried. I even showed her the design for the invites and she blanked me.

We gritted our teeth an cracked on with things. My mother got progressively worse and ended up in a nursing home, with Dad facing huge bills (social security at time were rubbish and he was told to sell the house to cover the nursing care which made him homeless - and yes, I did point out he shouldn't). He got a small flat. My mother in law's reaction? "It would be better for everyone if she was dead, really, wouldn't it?" On Christmas Eve. At a family Christmas I hadn't wanted to go to.

Well, the MIL got her wish and my mother died not long after. The same week we were burgled. So, not a great time. Zero help there, but the inlaws did attend the funeral the third and last time they spoke to my dad).

There's other stuff too - insisting that we spend Christmas with them or they sulk, epically. Trying to play happy families by insisting on family holidays every Easter (and until I couldn't take it any more, every August too) on the basis "we're paying you should be grateful" and always booking the place before asking us. Yes, we could have pre-empted and said no, but the backlash about how we (I) had split up the family was rarely worth it.

By now, about nine years into marriage, the inlaws had stopped being openly hostile about me and things calmed down. There was a happy pretence of happy families and we'd see them every month (my father would see us a little less frequently as we live closer to inlaws, an accident really due to where my first teaching job was). I got pregnant - so, yey, first grandchild and all that and was due on 25th July. A few weeks later they said "hope you don't mind but we've booked a holiday for the 23rd as we will save 200 quid on the holiday." What can you say at that point? They'd paid in full and logic says baby could be late or early. The OH was really hurt but by now we were well used to having to do things by ourselves.

On the evening of the 22nd, my DS was born and not to put too fine a point on it, I nearly died. I lost 2 litres of blood and my blood pressure kept dropping - it took until 9 in the morning to stabilise and doctors told us later they'd sent the OH home to sleep "because they fully expected him to be looking after a newborn alone." Cheery thought. Anyway, he called his parents to tell them they were now grandparents and that he was worried about me - he's not an idiot, he knew something was up.

His dad complained he'd woken him up early, that they didn't need to be up for two hours.

Their home, the hospital I was in and the airport are located in such a way that they could have made a half hour detour to see their grandson (maybe comfort their son?) before heading off on holiday.

The thought didn't even cross their minds.

When their flight was delayed by thirteen hours - thank you, karma - they kept calling OH up to complain about it (meanwhile I'm having blood transfusions and can't move in the background). They also blamed my DS for turning up early as to why they couldn't come and see him.

DS is now five. In the interim the BIL has got married (triggering another argument with inlaws about our wedding) and the BIL and new wife have had a baby. Our DS is not neglected by grandparents and they babysit for us twice a year (sometimes Valentine's Day or thereabouts and usually around our anniversary).

However.

MIL has become more vocal about things she doesn't approve of. She's always been racist - e.g. she would cook a curry and while we're eating she would come out with "better than those immigrants cook, don't know what they put in it." She also thinks that the Jews play up the Holocaust too much and that "it was so long ago they should just forget it now."

We of course argue - but it's genuinely pointless. There is a non-negotiable - she's entitled to hold those (vile, horrible) views but she is not to express them in front of her grandchildren (BIL and SIL agree with us).

Of course the MIL and FIL voted Leave and we voted Remain (I'm not going to argue that all Leave voters are racists, that's just stupid, but MIL is an example of one who is). Cue the FIL shouting at my DH that he's a traitor and stupid for voting Remain.

There was an apology and eventually some sort of platitude about how 'it will be alright' and not to worry about our jobs (both have left teaching, both of us are reliant on the EU not falling apart).

Meanwhile MIL has announced that she thinks I've done well losing weight since DS was born (I know, I was shocked) and that running clearly worked because "you put on too much weight with DS really."

Actually I didn't - was size 12 when I got pregnant and size 14 after about eight months post birth. There was a period of PND (couldn't exclusively breastfeed - milk never kicked in properly so DS was combination fed) so I did fill out to size 16 after that. And lost the weight again - but actually, who cares? I was healthy during pregnancy and had a 9lbs skinny baby.

I'm (finally) pregnant again. At 24 weeks I had a bleed and bizarrely spd kicked in during hospital stay. FIL picked up DS one day from school and announced "can't see you going much longer, you're huge now." Actually I'm in size 14 maternity clothes, but thanks for that. Thanks for saying I'll have a massively premature baby. Though I've had to rely on other people, friends and other mums when I can't do the school run, we've decided not to ask inlaws again. It's not worth the background comments about my weight. Even on Christmas Day the MIL turned around with "well people didn't know I was pregnant with your BIL until the month before he was born."

Baby bump two is now huge (7 months) and tbh I don't want to see my inlaws. All the unnecessary nastiness, the thoughtless comments, it's not worth it. The midwife has said I'm measuring correctly, I'm healthy, she doesn't think I'm massively overweight at all. OH has taken DS to visit grandparents. I was 'tired' that weekend and in any case he was going out with friend and it was nice for them to get some alone time with grandson.

After all the stuff we've let them rant about in the past, it sounds petty to say I can't be bothered with them for the next nine weeks. But I really can't - I'm so tired of all this, and of them. Don't want the background stress or bitchy comments any more. And certainly not for the next two months!

OP posts:
clippityclop · 15/02/2017 12:54

Get on with your life, these weirdos aren't going to change so don't give them any more than basic consideration because they will zap you of all confidence. Be polite, have basic contact so they have no cause to create more bother and concentrate on your own family.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/02/2017 12:55

I'm sorry but my first thought was that actually your dh is very far from awesome and he should have told his mother to fuck off and cut contact the day she said your mother would be better off dead. Being a doormat to your parents and letting them treat you and your wife like shit does not make you awesome at all. Cut contact, you will feel better for it

jay55 · 15/02/2017 12:55

I don't really understand why you kept contact after you mil basically wished your mum dead.
Stay away and stay sane.

Chathamhouserules · 15/02/2017 12:56

They sound hideous. With people like that, that you are forced to spend time with for the sake of your DS, you should just completely lower your expectations, refuse to discuss anything vaguely political or controversial, just say 'hmmm, don't really share your views on that' if actually forced to say something or 'oh, I see'. And just try and get through any visits as quick as you can, while finding lots of reasons to pop out to the kitchen or somewhere they're not.
Given your history, you are no doubt highly sensitized to any mean comments, so things about your weight (stupid things to say, but who cares what they think really...) annoy you more.
I wouldn't go through the trauma of actively telling them you won't be having contact with them anymore. But then I don't like confrontation.
Just ignore them as much as you can, make sure they don't say anything openly racist in front of your DS (or make sure you speak to him about it after if appropriate), and make excuses re holidays and Christmas.

PlumsGalore · 15/02/2017 12:59

TBH, I couldn't be arsed with them ever again. I wouldn't choose to visit them, I wouldn't accept rudeness if they visited you, I would let DH do any visits with grandchildren.

I would be done.

MatildaTheCat · 15/02/2017 13:02

Just drift away from them. Minimise contact and refuse to hear any stupid comments.

They sound dire.

Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. Wishing you a happier experience than last time.

Meepicheep · 15/02/2017 13:07

I totally intended to reply to everyone individually - apologies!

In summary...

DH is 100% with me and harbours concerns about what his mother (in particular) will say in front of our son (and future baby).

As for emigrating/moving away - we have genuinely discussed it. We got the house retired and a new kitchen last year, and I'm pregnant, so we have said that we will assess in about five years. Smallest one will be about to start school, eldest will be looking at secondary school, we can enjoy our kitchen (I waited ten years for a kitchen where the doors didn't fall off...). Not just because of inlaws obviously but it is one option.

I think we persevere because DH can remember when they were nicer than this. And yes, perhaps we cut too much slack for "she must have unresolved issues" but, thankfully we have got better at saying no and our patience with them (her in particular) ran out some time ago.

The guilt at cutting off contact would be horrible, not least because the OH's father would be upset (MIL would just be her usual charming self). And that would make DH feel awful - though not enough to stop us going. Moving away would be easier - distance is a very good excuse for not visiting. The problem with them, okay one of the problems, is that they can never see when something is their fault. This extends beyond our family and it leads to them blaming others when they needed to step up and do something differently (e.g. 'blaming' my best friend for living nearer to us than they do so, when I was rushing to hospital with the bleed a few weeks ago and we couldn't reach the inlaws by phone - they were at Sainsburys - we left DS with my friend overnight not inlaws 'like we should have').

The logical part of me accepts MIL might have had reservations about her son getting married aged only 22 - even though she married at 20 and had had my husband by 22! I can accept that, but her behaviour has only served to push him away. On the wedding day I had sent the bridesmaids down to the church, Mum was already down there (dad had taken her down in the wheelchair, then come back) and me and Dad were looking at each other thinking "what do we do?" No phone call. Inlaws could have been dead in a ditch. At the point we decided to go down to the church (so I could ask OH if he wanted to go ahead without inlaws being there), they arrived at my house, picked up their buttonholes, and raced to church. Me and Dad swore a bit, then got in the car and followed - my grand entrance being about five seconds after their backsides had hit the pew. Of course everyone had seen them run in - and assumed I'd delayed walking in to let them take their seats.

Turns out I needn't have worried - DH had accepted they weren't coming and was mentally cutting ties even as they mumbled an apology to him.

Of course, MIL now blames the traffic rather than their inability to discuss a hotel room for the night before or simply setting off earlier.

I know we both need to be more assertive when saying no, this isn't acceptable, for the sake of our kids. It's just harder to do than it should be especially when you know you'll always be the one they blame rather than take a second to consider why they're driving us away.

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 15/02/2017 13:08

What horrible people. I would try to cut them back to one or two visits a year and no shared holidays myself.

Meepicheep · 15/02/2017 13:09

Re-wired, not retired, obviously.

Houses don't retire, often.

OP posts:
crocodarl · 15/02/2017 13:12

Congratulations! Flowers

You need to keep your strength up and be calm for the sake of your health & your baby's. These people steal your energy and I don't see how anyone could stay calm listening to that nonsense!

So I would say, in the interests of your physical health and sanity, that it is not only 'not unreasonable' but essential that you avoid them for AT LEAST a few months. Possibly forever.

I'm very glad to hear that your DH & his brother back you up. They've done well to turn out so supportive and kind with parents like that...

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy. Focus on the people who matter.

purpleviolet1 · 15/02/2017 13:16

Cannnot believe your mil said it would be better for all if your mum was dead. That is just the most disgusting comment. Unfortunately some people are just so difficult and all we can do is step back. Definitely not being unreasonable!!

MagicMoments22 · 15/02/2017 13:17

Blank them - tell your DH why and say its better for your health (really important when pregnant). Don't let toxic people ruin things for you - life is too short. Better to have someone whinge to others that you are NC than to whinge to you about you Flowers

Areyoulocal · 15/02/2017 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Areyoulocal · 15/02/2017 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meepicheep · 15/02/2017 13:22

Oh and - thank you.

It is easy to think "well, we've managed so far, why are we suddenly saying ENOUGH!!!?" leading to second guessing whether that is the right reaction. Is it reasonable to bin them after all this time? More importantly, if we do, how do we explain to our son that he can't see his grandparents again (and he adores them, because they are always on best behaviour around him)? You have all helped me decide that minimal contact is the way forward. Holidays are out from now on. Christmas - we've already reduced that to a few hours (Christmas lunch to Boxing Day morning) and this year we are doing it at home (DH's decision after we had to put up with a rant about how kids always leave you - yes, MIL, they fly the nest, that's normal and healthy).

As for the detail I've posted, it's not that I haven't 'let it go' more that I needed to give some context. Without that, it becomes "my MIL made a comment about my weight and now I don't want to see her again."

OP posts:
Blackhouse · 15/02/2017 13:24

FlowersCake Op, hope you are feeling ok. I actively avoid my il's for less (although all quite similar just not as extreme.). People love telling pregnant ladies they are huge, they are all idiots Wink x

CoolCarrie · 15/02/2017 13:25

Avoid, avoid, avoid! You don't need them in your life and neither does your dh, and your lovely children. Congratulations, OP, and see this new baby as a fresh start. You will have two little ones to protect from their vile behaviour. Limited contact with them is the way forward, thank goodness your dh is under no allusions about his parents. Good luck ahead

flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 15/02/2017 13:26

YANNNBU
Tell them to fuck the fuck off and then fuck off some more.
Jesus even saints would be swearing by now.

chickensarethebest · 15/02/2017 13:31

My ex-ils share a lot of traits with yours - the favouritism, the nasty barbs, the superficial caring-family with venom just below the surface.

Both my sons still see them but I have always been very vocal about when their behaviour is unacceptable: the being nasty to a child and then, passing it off as a joke and supporting their choice about seeing them or not. As a result, they know this part of their family and that these particular relatives come with some severe limitations. There was also a period when they did not see them at all - after ex-FIL threatened eldest.

It is time to set up the boundaries - you can and should establish what is best for your family unit of 4: so, family holidays could be just you four or take your Dad. Christmas can now be at your house, with one invite to the ILs or you sending your DH and kids over as long as he will stand their corner. I would suggest all holidays should now be in Wales so your kids know their heritage and that will be sufficient to put off DH's parents Halo.
Hold onto the most important fact - you have their best family member and you actually now hold all the control - wield it well. Hope your last few months of pregnancy fly - and put yourself first during this time.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 15/02/2017 13:34

I can't face my pil pregnant either. We avoid them because they get way too over excited and inappropriately involved. Last time they came I was 'asleep'.
They saw a new light we had bought on the side. The next day I had no less than 3 emails telling me that they had bought the lightbulbs for it (er....thanks!) and they would 'drop them round'. I wasn't free. I said feel free to pop them on the doorstep I'm out. Get a message saying 'left the lightbulbs. If they don't fit, could we pop round and collect them this week please'? Guess what. Yep, not even close to the right bulbs. I've sent Husband to their house with them. Every time they come it's something new.

WineAndTiramisu · 15/02/2017 13:37

I was wondering how you'd retired a house! Grin

I'd certainly be avoiding them, probably forever, I'd have lost it with them years ago...

Featherybum · 15/02/2017 14:40

It doesn't matter what you do or don't do. They sound foul and whatever action you take will be the wrong one in their eyes. So you have nothing to lose by doing what's best for you and your kids which is most likely having as little to do with them as possible. People cut off contact with family for far less than you've written about here. Life is too short to pander to people like that xx

ShoutOutToMyEx · 15/02/2017 14:47

Poor you and poor OH for having to put up with this for so long. I don't think YABU at all - they don't sound like they deserve any of you.

tooclosetocall · 15/02/2017 14:51

Meepicheep, that was a novel Grin

I wouldn't have got this far so an endurance award is yours.
Go ultra low contact ie, a once a year visit or no contact at all.
Some people really aren't worth the breath to waste and your MIL & FIL are two of them.
You have my sympathy Flowers. Wishing you a smooth delivery with DC2

Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 15:07

No Op. she was never nice. He just hadn't disobeyed her or pissed her off before.