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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To encourage BF to take ex to court? benefits advice if possible!!

40 replies

toddlermom · 14/02/2017 22:49

Hi all,

I don't really know anything about benefits but please do help if you know anything about this. My best friend finally left loser ex (they were engaged, never married) and has ended up a single mum living in a bedsit hand to mouth with her DC (loser ex's child). Ex earns £200K a year not in london (so seems like more than £200k as no London cost of living), owns a £400K house, small mortgage.

Anyway, when they split up the benefits people/calculator told her that the most she gets is £900 a month. For rent, bills, nursery, food, car costs, etc. And the rent is really high in the area where they live. I paid for her to go and see a lawyer as I thought it was unfair that the ex shouldn't at least help get her somewhere to live or give more considering he's on £200k a year. The lawyer said it was highly probable that the court should make him give her a deposit or help more with the rent (as he wants them to stay in same area to make it easier for him to see DC). But she didn't want to create bad blood so never took him to court. And also the lawyer couldn't guarantee that this would happen.

Just asking for advice, could she really get more from him? She's also getting the usual benefits too but is really struggling. I feel really strongly that he should help more as he's living the life of riley and she's having a really hard time in a bedsit which now she has to move out of as the landlord selling it so she has to find moving costs, new place etc and really stressful. Am I expecting too much or is this just normal and how it is if you split up and not married?

OP posts:

categed · 14/02/2017 22:54

Have no clue about benefits sorry but I would think stuff where the ex wants her to live if it's unaffordable and move elsewhere where she can afford something nice and have a quality of life with her child. Her ex can, by the sounds of it, afford to travel to see his child.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 14/02/2017 22:59

There will be an amount that he would have to pay for maintenance anyway but aside from that I can't see how she would be entitled to any more than that unless they were married.
Jobs that pay that much are usually high stress and long hours. Why should he pay more than the next person just because he earns more?

Are they still civil? Perhaps they could come to an agreement for him to help her get settled somewhere without going through the legal system? Surely he would want his child living somewhere decent?

That being said if he wants his child nearby and wants access, perhaps your friend could come to an agreement with him that he perhaps helps out for extra costs for toys and clothes etc. Surely he would want to spoil his child anyway?

Solasum · 14/02/2017 23:00

He only needs to give 15% of earnings.

If they are not in London, surely £900 per month must go a fair distance. Is she working? If not, why not? Is she claiming everything she is entitled to? Tax credits, housing benefit etc

sailorcherries · 14/02/2017 23:06

If he is earning over 200k after tax then his 15% CSA should be almost £2500 per month ...

BewtySkoolDropowt · 14/02/2017 23:06

Has she involved the cms to calculate child maintenance?

MommieMommyMom · 14/02/2017 23:06

On his wage she would be entitled to at least £249 a week child maintenance.

MommieMommyMom · 14/02/2017 23:07

No CS is calculated after tax... £249 is the absolute minimum a WEEK he would have to pay towards his child.
He would have no choice but to pay that if she went through child maintenance

sailorcherries · 14/02/2017 23:11

I know that csa is after tax however OP only stated he earned 200k, of 200k was after tax then it would be 2500 per month (if 200k exactly after tax).

LostMyDotBrain · 14/02/2017 23:12

Did the lawyer you paid for not mention child maintenance to her? Sounds like she could have gotten better advice in a free half hour session.

amy85 · 14/02/2017 23:14

Is the £900 on top of her other benefits?

Original poster

toddlermom · 14/02/2017 23:18

The CMS calculator only gives her £900 as apparently there is a limit so the most she can get is that - even if he earned £500k. That's what she says.

She works part time but DC is 2 and she can't afford the childcare to send him more.No family or friends living nearby.

Yes moving to cheaper area would be obvious, that was my first thought, but she has lived in this areas for 6 years and doesn't want to move for DC nursery and her job etc.

She's claiming all the benefits she can but still not really making much of a difference.

I just thought if they went to court they might make him help her more?I know the CMS level is fixed so legally that way she can't get more.

Yes he should definitely morally want to help out more and spoil/look after his DC but sadly he's a total d**k and doesn't really care. Annoys me and all her other friends so much!!

OP posts:

amy85 · 14/02/2017 23:25

So she gets benefits, her wage and £900 maintenance...And is complaining that is not enough?!? I think she needs a reality check tbh a lot of single mums live on a lot less than that!

My wage is less than her maintenance and I survive on that plus benefits for me and my 3 kids

LostMyDotBrain · 14/02/2017 23:34

So the £900 is on top of her wage and benefits? Is there a particular figure she'd be happy with? I very rarely look at the situation of a single parent claiming maintenance and decide they're being grabby but if she's not happy with nearly £11k a year additional to her own income, it's hard to see it any other way. When relationships break down, all but the very wealthy need to start cutting their cloth differently.

sailorcherries · 14/02/2017 23:37

Her wage plus benefits and 900 maintenance is close to my full-time wage with no benefits.

Christ, her maintenance and child benefit alone is over 1000 per month, throw in a wage and anything else and she'll be close to the 1400 mark if not more.

mumblechum0 · 14/02/2017 23:53

On the presumption that the £200k is gross, his net will be about £10k pm after tax, in and pension.

So the max she can get is £1500pcm but I suspect that's more than the standard formula would allow, so she'd need to apply for a variation.

Mammylamb · 15/02/2017 06:32

For people moaning that surely £900 a month is enough; that barely covers full time childcare

Afreshstartplease · 15/02/2017 06:52

Well she only works part time so doesn't need full time childcare

Afreshstartplease · 15/02/2017 06:53

As child is 2 if she earns under 16000 she may be entitled to 15 hours free

user1484226561 · 15/02/2017 06:56

well, I work full time and earn about this, and she will be getting without any work at all! Can't see why she feels hard done by, myself.

WellErrr · 15/02/2017 06:56

Can you be a bit clearer?
What is her:

Wage?
Benefits?
Maintenance from him?

anonbecauseiwanna · 15/02/2017 07:09

If she wanted maintenance from him in the event of a breakup / a share of assets, she should have married him before having children. As it is he only has to pay child maintenance.

She should receive £294 per week if her ex has the child less than once a week overnight.

£252 if her ex has the child 1-2 nights a week.

£210 if her ex has the child 2-3 nights a week.

If she can prove she was paying into the mortgage etc she may be entitled to a share of the house but it's unlikely.

siblingrevelryagain · 15/02/2017 07:15

I don't get why more people aren't outraged at a man with £200k not feeling compelled to give his child a larger share of his lifestyle. And yet the mom is 'grabby'? As someone on the other side (ex DH earns approx £60/70k and pays mortgage and bills to the tune of around £1200 per month), being the one raising the children limits choices; the OP can't necessarily better her position through work as needs to be there for child, and long term her financial stability is shot (low pension/lack of property ownership prospects) whilst he is able to secure a financial future and comfortable standard of living. What kind of arsehole doesn't want to give their child/children as much as they possibly could would be my question (not just pay what they're 'told' to pay by some arbitrary calculator)?

anonbecauseiwanna · 15/02/2017 07:18

sibling I agree in principle but that's not what op asked, she asked if her friend should take ex to court and should he be paying more.
It might actually be that ex has the child a couple of nights a week and buys them clothes, toys, gadgets, pays for clubs etc. Or it might be that he only wants to pay bare minimum. Unfortunately he is legally correct both ways.

user1484226561 · 15/02/2017 07:18

There is no need to feel outrage on behalf of a woman who is getting her entire keep paid for, freeing her to work/study/ be a sahm, what ever she wants.

user1484226561 · 15/02/2017 07:20

she has choices beyond the wildest dreams of many

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