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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So annoyed

25 replies

Toblerprawn · 13/02/2017 23:20

Relative of mine has had a bit of a fall out with a friend and was feeling a bit down so I popped by to have a coffee with her and take her mind off things distracting her with all the nice plans she has coming up, nights out etc when all of a sudden she starts tearing into me asking how on earth myself and my husband can afford to go on holiday with our kids as she can't manage it and she works so hard.
Bearing in mind she has known we are taking our two children away in august for some time now and we have saved long and hard for this with husband doing overtime most weekends. She is getting at me as I work two days per week as our daughter is disabled and needs alot of care.
I am really upset this relative has just turned on me and I was desperate to point out that she would be able to afford a holiday if she didn't constantly eat out or brag about buying new clothes all of the time but I would have just come away from the situation feeling even worse.
My question is...how on earth do I be with her now? I'm so annoyed.
I wish I'd never tried to cheer her up

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2017 23:28

In what way did she tear into you?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/02/2017 23:33

She sounds just lovely! What a shocker that she has had a fall out with a friend!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 13/02/2017 23:35

I'm guessing you are exaggerating somewhat. And were you boasting about your holiday?

Original poster

Toblerprawn · 13/02/2017 23:37

Not at all. Didn't mention my holiday. We were talking about the nights out she has planned to try and cheer her up.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 23:43

I would take a step back from her. If she contacts you tell her that it's unacceptable for her to treat you like her emotional punch bag and you won't put up with it. Also, your finances are none of her business.

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2017 23:44

Can you describe how she tore into you?

Original poster

Toblerprawn · 13/02/2017 23:56

You are right Chloe I need to keep my distance. She knows more than most how much we need a focus and something to look forward to regarding our circumstances - I just can't understand why she would want to bring me down as I was trying to lift her up.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 14/02/2017 00:00

From what you've phased it as it doesn't sound like tearing into you just despair at herself. Is there anything "tearing" that she said specifically or could it be that you just read it wrong? (In the nicest possible way)

Original poster

Toblerprawn · 14/02/2017 00:11

No she actually turned on me. Face contorted, nasty speech and the way she said that she 'worked so hard' was directed at the fact that I am employed two days per week. That is why I am asking on here for advice as to how I move on from this as she is family and also I don't want anyone else involved.
I know I definately need some distance for her - I think I just needed to vent without upsetting my family.

OP posts:

hopelesslycynical · 14/02/2017 00:11

It sounds as if the fallout with her friend has upset her greatly, and she has had a go at you as a kind of proxy to make herself feel better. She probably thinks that you are so close that she can get away with it, that you will forgive her. Didn't make her very nice, and that probably explains the fallout with the friend. I'd give her her some time to stew if I were you. Don't go rushing to see or speak to her.

hopelesslycynical · 14/02/2017 00:12

Sorry didn't should be doesn't

Original poster

Toblerprawn · 14/02/2017 00:15

I won't rush and thank you.

OP posts:

krustykittens · 14/02/2017 00:26

What you do with your own money is your own damn business! NO ONE has the right to comment.

BonnyScotland · 14/02/2017 00:31

Block Ignore Switch Off and Walk away x

myshinynewusername · 14/02/2017 00:39

Is there any chance she has been reading too much Daily Mail and thinks that because your daughter is disabled, you get endless buckets of money, plasma tvs, exotic holidays, yada, yada, yada all given to you on benefits at the expense of 'hard-working' people like her?

ohtheholidays · 14/02/2017 01:05

I'd bloody ignore her from now on,don't worry about her anymore!

Like a PP said if she behaves like that it would be no wonder she's lost a friend.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and she can't have any idea what it's like to have a child that is disabled 2 of our DC are disabled and it's hard work,she should be offering you support not ripping you apart after you've gone to support her.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 14/02/2017 01:32

She might be lashing out at you because she is still getting rid of adrenaline after the row with her friend. It sounds nasty and I'm not surprised you are annoyed.

I think I'd be leaving it to her to make the next contact. If this is someone who you care about and who you can't really be non contact with, and she doesn't contact you, then you can always contact her in a few weeks in a neutral 'are things going any better?' kind of way.

If she pulls that nonsense again I suggest getting up and leaving or, if you are on the phone, saying 'You're clearly finding talking to me upsetting, maybe call when you're a bit calmer' and hang up.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/02/2017 02:12

I would wonder if there is something happening in her life which is causing her to feel very stressed and the people around her are feeling the brunt of it - first her friend, then you.

Give her a wide berth for a few days, then get back in touch to see how she's doing. If she is still in a foul mood, give up and leave it up to her offer the olive branch but you might just get an apology and explanation which allows you to both move on.

CrazyCavalierLady · 14/02/2017 02:40

It sounds like she has projected her anger at the friend onto you. This is not uncommon for some people - they want to hurt someone and the next person to come along cops it. That said it is completely unacceptable and previous posters are correct you need to step away. If you do want to address it I would tell her clearly that you will not be her punching bag when things go wrong.

Anotherdayanotherscreenname · 14/02/2017 05:33

I think she is bitter because she is trying to fill the void with eating out and excessive clothing purchases, etc. She is in the materialism trap and thinks it is normal.

She needs to learn the void is an allusion. You can not teach her. She has to want to learn.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/02/2017 05:52

She sounds selfish TBH. She wants to know how you can afford something she can't, when she's not taking in to account that she spends her disposable income as a regular thing on smaller purchases, whilst you save yours for much less frequent larger purchases.

My dad had to give up working completely to become my carer when i was 16, i saw it massively affect how he thought of himself and how others perceived him as being "unemployed" as they just don't understand the sheer level of work you actually do as a carer. At my worst point the only things i could do for myself was use the toilet, shower, dress myself and physically feed myself. The only things in the entire house i could physically touch were my laptop and my phone, which i cleaned multiple times every single day with antibacterial wipes. So i couldn't cook, clean, or even get myself a drink of water. I'd get so anxious and have panic attacks i couldn't even go to the toilet without my dad in the house as some days he had to stand outside and talk me down out of a panic attack.
Thankfully i'm much better now but i'm a long way from independent and still massively reliant on his caring for me. If anyone ever made comment he didn't work hard/at all i'd lose it. It's a 24/7 job with little thanks or consideration, i actually went none contact with my entire mums side of the family over my being disabled and my dad being my carer and them being completely non supportive and actually insulting, ignorant and rude about it (told my dad to just go out one day and turn his phone off so i couldn't contact him, also suggested if he ever won the lottery to put me in a home so he could have a normal life)
If she doesn't readily apologise for insulting you, and your daughter, then i'd consider distancing myself from her.

ElderDruid · 14/02/2017 06:33

I don't think your problem is the same as the OP's AAJS.

Just out of curiosity what's your disability AAJS?

Surely you agree that your Dad needs his time to do his thing. Not in the way mentioned by relatives. Could you get direct payments so he gets some time to himself? I was really ill in my teens at a time when Dr's were a lot different to now. My Mum scarpered off with another guy for a few years, leaving my Dad in sole charge of 4 children, 1 really ill. He didn't have the luxury of taking time off if he wanted to pay the bills & put food on the table. So relatives took it in turns to help.

I know you don't appreciate the way your maternal family is, but I appreciated the stoic way I was treated. Even my Mum and Dad wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself. There wasn't the support and benefits then there is now. So there was no choice apart from going on the dole which was next to nothing. They made me lead a normal life, through the darkest times even though I need a bit of help, I've managed to work, have children, live a relatively normal life.

Sorry for going away from your post OP. I'm guessing in an ideal world she'd have a better paid job so she could do everything she wants. Is she quite young? I would put distance between you & hopefully she will apologise. Don't blame yourself for what happened. I would think about saying when it's all calmed down, why don't you choose somewhere you want to go and put money to one side every month. That way, you're not saying stop eating take outs & buying stuff. Have you been in touch with Make a Wish, they usually give money for a one off holiday of a life time. Also your LA should have a scheme where they'll give you funds for specialist care and a bit towards you going out for the night / weekend for respite. Have you got DP's in place etc?

ElderDruid · 14/02/2017 06:36

The relative doesn't have a problem with OP's daughter, just the fact she isn't going on holiday like OP. Which is the relatives fault for not saving and budgeting. It was more than possible that she took out her frustration on OP which isn't acceptable. But hopefully things will calm and the relative will apologise.

Pinotwoman82 · 14/02/2017 06:41

I wonder if something else is going on in her personal life that is making her like this? Maybe she thinks she can get away with it more as you are family and will still love her? I'd definitely give her a wide berth for a while though

HashiAsLarry · 14/02/2017 07:46

I've had a friend and a family member pull this on me, I keep my distance from both and don't give them details on my life. Same circumstances - we scrimp in some areas so we can afford some luxuries elsewhere, they are constantly out whether in bars or for lunches. If that's what they want to do fine, but both have problems with you a) not wanting to do what they do and b) doing something nice they can't afford as they're unwilling to make the savings for it. I've chalked it down to jealousy.

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