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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws

107 replies

Louisearm · 13/02/2017 12:50

Parents in law decided to do Christmas dinner again, 7 weeks after I hosted it at my house. I went to a lot of effort for Christmas dinner so that my children could stay in their own house on the day. I went all out for the meal, scrap booked ideas since October and even marinated my sprouts, which they were aware of! Aside from the fact I hardly got to spend time with my children on Christmas Day as I was cooking, the meal was delicious and I was very proud of myself. I felt a little under appreciated at the time as nobody was particularly complimentary, but I didn't dwell on it as they can be quite cold anyway, and I knew if done a good job. A few weeks later at the in laws, my 8 year old daughter was helping FIL cook Sunday dinner in the kitchen when I heard him asking her, "who's potatoes are better, mines or mummy's? What about the gravy? You prefer mine don't you?!" So I let that go too, and made sure I was complimentary about his cooking (but not overly😋) But over the weekend there they decided to host Christmas dinner at their house.... In February. Aside from the decorations and presents, it was full on Christmas dinner. Prawn cocktail to start, then turkey, stuffing, sprouts etc and profiteroles for desert. I couldn't help but feel like it was their way of saying "this is how it should be done". Then afterwards, in a room full of people my MIL asked if I had new boots on and asked me "how much did u pay for them? I'd guess twenty quid?" And my response was, "well they were £30 but that was half price". She always makes remarks like this and I normally don't let it bother me but I just feel a bit annoyed today. I can't understand why I'm being put down? Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 16:21

To me that was done as a dig at op. It seems to happen often, little comments here and there.

seafoodeatit · 13/02/2017 16:28

Your DH needs to be standing up to them! I would personally be making my excuses and not having them over for Christmas, what nasty questions to ask your children and what a stupid comment over your boots.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/02/2017 16:29

In a family where everybody gets on well and there's no tension, a FIL saying to his grandchild 'Who makes the best gravy, me or your mum?' is highly likely to be a way of reviving a long-standing, good-natured in-joke. FIL expects the child's mother to hear and respond in kind, everybody laughs.

In a family where people are not relaxed around each other, it's not a joke, either because FIL means it as a dig or because DIL is so wound up about her PIL that she sees no humour in anything they say.

Similarly, deciding to have a second Christmas dinner a few weeks after 25th December could be just a good excuse for another slap up favourite meal. But in that case, you'd expect the PIL to make some reference to the first one. 'We had such a lovely Christmas dinner at Louisearm's house that we can't get turkey out of our minds! So we thought we'd defrost that half-price turkey we bought on Boxing Day and have another Christmas dinner, since we're all together again today.'

By contrast, OP says they said very little about the meal she cooked at Christmas and she implies that this was sprung on them with no advance chat about it. I'm imagining a meal where everybody is thinking and nobody is saying that this is all about showing Louisearm how it should be done. And that's really rather sad.

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2017 16:32

I've read the OP twice now. I can't see anything her inlaws have done apart from ask some mildly irritating questions and provide her family with a fabulous three course lunch.

What exactly is the problem?

Twistmeandturnme · 13/02/2017 16:35

'How much were your boots. I bet they were £20!'....surely begets the response : 'goodness me, If you can get me another pair of designer boots like these for £20 I'll set you up as a market trader myself!'

btw: I don't care how good your Christmas dinner was OP: mine was the best

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 16:35

The Christmas dinner thing is nothing, just let it go. The hurtful comments are something else. I would stand up to her.

When she mentioned your boots, perhaps just say your boots are not up for discussion. If she persists just refuse point blank to discuss them, or anything else that's personal.

Just tell her basically to politely shut the fuck up.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/02/2017 16:36

Context is all. If my mum guessed that something I'd bought cost £20 and it had in fact cost a lot more, the most likely explanation would be that she is totally out of touch with prices. OP will know if that might explain MIL's comment.

Twistmeandturnme · 13/02/2017 16:37

I have three frozen turkeys. We will eat them over the next couple of months. There will be no comparison with Christmas. Your ILs are bonkers

archersfan22 · 13/02/2017 16:40

Haven't read the whole thread but full on Christmas in February is completely weird without serious extenuating circumstances (eg member of family been on service in Iraq or in hospital or something over Xmas).

Original poster

Louisearm · 13/02/2017 16:41

Thank you gasp0dethew0nderd0g, I think you have hit the nail on the head. They have always had boundary issues and this has caused a few rifts in the past. So had he made a joke of the gravy comparison instead of asking her on the fly then it would be a joke! But he has done things like this in the past and I'd never ask my daughter such a silly question, I too would be glad she had another lovely meal to enjoy! But it obviously means something to him that his is the best. This is his and MILS nature too. Therefore I feel the same competitive nature applies to the Christmas dinner. "Theirs is the best"

Ps, If they had called it a roast (which we do regularly), I wouldn't be posting 😉

OP posts:

Butterpuff · 13/02/2017 16:42

To be honest I think the IL are being unreasonable. Turkey is crap at Christmas why force it on people at other times of the year as well.

user1478860582 · 13/02/2017 16:45

Oh archersfan you must at some point spring a full on Christmas dinner on the family at some other point in the year. Don't tell them, just call them for dinner with the table fully set. Crackers, trimmings and preferably with Christmas jumpers laid out. The full works.

It throws the family for weeks!

carefreeeee · 13/02/2017 17:36

What I don't get is, why was it necessary to spend the whole day cooking so that your children can stay home on Xmas day? And why is it desirable?

Can't you stay home and cook something a bit simpler - presume young kids don't care about the food that much anyway?

Then visit rels in the evening/boxing day?

Bestthingever · 13/02/2017 17:57

My fil is like this. If I cook something new for them, mil asks for the recipe or tries to replicate it herself then fil will go on and on about what a great job she's done! (Which honestly she hasn't). I think it's actually a backwards compliment IYSWIM and also makes him a saddo. The only time this shit got under my skin was when my dps were visiting from Scotland and brought mil some shortbread. The next time they visited my ILs house for dinner, she'd made her own and offered it up with tea. Fil then told them it was much nicer than they'd stuff they'd brought from Scotland. (You could have tiled the kitchen with them, they were so hard!)

Chamonix1 · 13/02/2017 18:02

Jesus Christ.
They sound fucking awful. If anyone
did that to me I'd very hurt.
What nasty cuntbags people.

Juveniledelinquent · 13/02/2017 18:03

My MIL does her version of Christmas day every year. I'm just grateful that someone has gone to all that trouble.

Bitofacow · 13/02/2017 18:07

It's like you want to be miserable!
You cooked dinner, she cooked dinner.
Yum, thank you, bye.

She made some snarky comments. Ignore them.

Or you can fester and pull the day to pieces and mull over the comments and actively choose to be upset.

Choose to be happy.

Chamonix1 · 13/02/2017 18:08

Just read the thread.
In laws shminlaws it's a shitty thing for anyone to do and done with shitty intentions.
Can't believe anyone would think it's normal behaviour.

Jenniferb21 · 13/02/2017 18:19

Also agree with barbarian.

I've had terrible issues with Pil this year. I don't answer their calls don't let Them come over with DH isn't home and have distanced myself whilst staying polite when I do see them etc.

For my sons sake I want us to all have a good relationship but I can't give them a personality transplant so I have to often bite my tounge and remember their views are their own and nobody else's. I try to not take anything on board and visualise an emotional barrier almost. Like a circle around me their comments bounce off

I've also learned to be very assertive and confident. I.e if MIL questions something like how I feed my son I'll say well actually health visitors/NHS promote finger food as the sooner they learn to feed themselves the more confident they'll be at school etc. I will always in a way say thanks for your opinion but I'm doing things my way. So if she said that about my boots id say I love them thanks I can't remember because I choose things I love not for how much they cost.

Avoid discussing money. Avoid making conversation just for the sake of being polite they'll soon get the message and make more of an effort to be nicer to you.

Most gparents are better at cooking they've had years experience don't let it get you down I'm sure DH appreciate you and you chose to spend your life with him, his parents unfortunately have to join you on the ride but you didn't choose for them to. So don't choose to let their opinions and values impact your health, happiness or dynamics with your DH/kids. Easier said then done. it's taken me about a year but I've become much more resilient and emotionally intelligent.

lightbulbmoon · 13/02/2017 18:20

they sound like dicks, but dicks that can easily be ignored/risen above

lightbulbmoon · 13/02/2017 18:22

also would like to know wtf you were marinating sprouts in as you never know YMHBBU ?

WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 13/02/2017 18:30

That does sound like a put down, but it is hard to say without knowing the people in question.

I have to say that I think StrawberryShortcake's attitude is strange though, if your ILs are lovely why would you not treat them as equals to your own parents? I think DILs holding that attitude is more likely to be a cause of conflict than PILs having very reasonable expectations of equal treatment.

derxa · 13/02/2017 18:44

Maybe your Christmas dinner was so fabulous that they felt undermined and now want to outdo you. My MIL has been silly like this for over 30 years but gradually you learn to let float over your head.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 19:01

"Jesus Christ.
They sound fucking awful. If anyone
did that to me I'd very hurt.
What nasty cuntbags people."

Assuming that they did not say "Your Christmas dinner was crap- here, eat our delicious one, you incompetent fool" I really really don't understand why you would be hurt.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 13/02/2017 19:07

If this was the case they could have made this dinner for themselves without deliberately hurting the OP. She didn't have to be invited to it

Well then she'd be on here complaining that they had a big family meal and didn't invite her, aren't they awful.

So they had a christmas meal, so what? There is an outside chance that its really nothing at all to do with OP, because maybe not everything they do is some passive aggressive attack on her?

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