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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws

107 replies

Louisearm · 13/02/2017 12:50

Parents in law decided to do Christmas dinner again, 7 weeks after I hosted it at my house. I went to a lot of effort for Christmas dinner so that my children could stay in their own house on the day. I went all out for the meal, scrap booked ideas since October and even marinated my sprouts, which they were aware of! Aside from the fact I hardly got to spend time with my children on Christmas Day as I was cooking, the meal was delicious and I was very proud of myself. I felt a little under appreciated at the time as nobody was particularly complimentary, but I didn't dwell on it as they can be quite cold anyway, and I knew if done a good job. A few weeks later at the in laws, my 8 year old daughter was helping FIL cook Sunday dinner in the kitchen when I heard him asking her, "who's potatoes are better, mines or mummy's? What about the gravy? You prefer mine don't you?!" So I let that go too, and made sure I was complimentary about his cooking (but not overly😋) But over the weekend there they decided to host Christmas dinner at their house.... In February. Aside from the decorations and presents, it was full on Christmas dinner. Prawn cocktail to start, then turkey, stuffing, sprouts etc and profiteroles for desert. I couldn't help but feel like it was their way of saying "this is how it should be done". Then afterwards, in a room full of people my MIL asked if I had new boots on and asked me "how much did u pay for them? I'd guess twenty quid?" And my response was, "well they were £30 but that was half price". She always makes remarks like this and I normally don't let it bother me but I just feel a bit annoyed today. I can't understand why I'm being put down? Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:

Helen0fTroy · 13/02/2017 14:18

She openly said it was Christmas dinner? If it's a PA dig like you're insinuating it's one of the most elaborate ones I've heard!

Original poster

Louisearm · 13/02/2017 14:22

Thanks for the input everyone, don't get me wrong, I'm not foaming at the mouth or curled up crying 😂 My husband isn't great at standing up to her, he is very angry about it but wouldn't say anything as she can be quite volatile and it would get blown out of proportion. Me on the other hand, I will avoid seeing her for a while. Glad I asked u guys tho, very helpful comments!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 14:25

Actually, I don't see a problem with the Christmas dinnner but we have scattered families, so often have several of any celebration that's going!

Ds will be having 3 16th birthdays over the next few weeks..........

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/02/2017 14:28

And what is your husband's take on his parents' batshit behaviour?

ScarlettFreestone · 13/02/2017 14:38

It's odd behaviour and pretty rude.

The key to happiness is to actively choose how to react to this kind of behaviour.

You can be angry and resentful or you can laugh at their behaviour behind closed doors with your DH and DC and just smile broadly any time they insult you.

Play a bit of buzzword bingo on visits to them, it makes digs much less effective.

So if she asks how much something costs just smile broadly and ask why she needs to know.

FinallyHere · 13/02/2017 14:39

Another vote for wot BarbarianMum said, spot on.

Don't let them get to you, but do compliment then and tell them how well they are doing. Anyone else might find it patronising but i expect it will be lapped up here. Sigh.

diddl · 13/02/2017 15:09

They sound er challenging.

It wasn't Christmas dinner it was a turkey roast-I don't think it's anything to be angry or "stand up to" about.

I think that the price of things I'd tell her no idea.

What was your husband doing all day Christmas Day & why no help/compliments from hom?

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 15:11

You are absolutely sure it was a "this is how it should be done dinner" aimed at you and not a "Let's have another Christmas dinner at our house because Fred's home"?

sandragreen · 13/02/2017 15:14

I think Fred was at OPs Christmas dinner?

They sound fairly weird to me. I would keep a polite but friendly distance. And find something else to do the next few Christmas Days that doesn't involve them and their competitive Christmassing.

Pineappletastic · 13/02/2017 15:15

She can be quite volatile

It obviously works for getting her what she wants, nobody dares to stand up to her!

I grew up with one NC grandfather and one sporadic contact one after both my GMs died before I was 10. Kids don't need grandparents, they're lovely if they are bringing something to the equation, but if they're unpleasant what's the point?

I don't understand why you're all tiptoeing around this woman, tell her when she is being rude, if she throws a massive strop leave and don't go back until she apologises. It's a win-win situation at that point as far as I can see.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 15:21

Huldra · 13/02/2017 15:25

In another 7 weeks can you invite them all over and produce a 10 course Christmas Dinner tasting menu? Ballotine of quail, sprouts stuffed with venison liver and some Amuse Bouche.

Or this guy does Chrsitmas Dinner in a mug, give them each a mug full and ask who has the best parsnips.
www.amazon.co.uk/Microwave-Mug-Meals-Delectably-Home-Made/dp/0754832856?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's probably best to go with other sensible suggestions of smile, nod, ignore and have a giggle about it at home.

Do they usually host Chrsitmas dinner? I wonder if they didn't feel like a proper one because it wasn't at their house.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 13/02/2017 15:26

Maybe they just really hated the marinated sprouts and whatever other fancy stuff you'd be pinteresting for months, and were hankering after a traditional meal since december?

Anothermoomin · 13/02/2017 15:29

They wanted Christmas dinner their way. It's not about you. Get over yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 15:30

OP that is very passive aggressive, and quite spiteful, they celebrated Christmas in your house, its gone now. It is like they thought you were not good enough, and yes trying to show you how it should be done. I Would not host them again tbf, I would have Christmas at your house, with your DP and kids, mabey go to theirs on boxing day or whenever.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 15:33

She can be quite volatile, transcribes as her way or noway, everybody has to do as she says. I would distance myself from her. what is it from the nasty remarks Another, how would you like it if you went to great effort to try and make a nice Christmas, and your inlaws turned round and said it was crap.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 15:34

Look, unless something was said, I really don't see how this was spiteful, or passive aggressive. It was just another Christmas dinner. Well, actually, it wasn't, because everyone knows Christmas dinner starts with smoked salmon and ends with Christmas pudding.....

OP, if there are other reasons for you to loathe thse people, just let this go over your head. It's something I might well do, and I would be mortified if I discovered it upset someone.......

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 15:35

"Another, how would you like it if you went to great effort to try and make a nice Christmas, and your inlaws turned round and said it was crap"

That would be utterly horrible. Did they do that?

Rugbyplayersarehot · 13/02/2017 15:36

Wow narky bit spiteful that.

Strawberry see your point but it depends on your relationship with your mother. My dil is much closer to me than her own mother because frankly she's a cow. My mil was a star and we were very close.

I think it's generally the case though that mums are closer to their own mums so maybe maternal grandparents see grandkids more but I honestly think if you are nice and kind and welcoming to people joining the family it's generally reciprocated.

I see your points though.

MagicMoments22 · 13/02/2017 15:37

How horrible the only nasty people we would be at risk from Christmas Day are my brother and SIL - they are in another country so we never speak. My parents/FIL come to ours every year DH cooks and never had a complaint (be out the door if they did)

SpringerS · 13/02/2017 15:37

I went to a lot of effort for Christmas dinner so that my children could stay in their own house on the day.

Did your kids specifically ask to spend the whole day in their own house because talking to most adults about their childhood Christmases a common theme of the best memories seems to be spending chilled out time with clearly delighted parents and visiting extended family. Not staying at home and not getting to spend any time with their mother as she's cooking up a storm in the kitchen. So much work and anticipation goes into Christmas morning when you have young children, that if you have the option, it's ok to take time out and enjoy their company for the day itself. There will be plenty of time for marinating sprouts (which would so disappoint my entire sprouts loving family) when your kids are disaffected teenagers.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 15:39

Yes basically Bertrand, that is what it was. No scattered families, same people that came to op Christmas Day. Op said that they were quite cold on her Christmas Day, now this! Yes basically transcribes as being, we dident enjoy yiur Christmas, now this is how it should be done!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 13/02/2017 15:41

How is it spiteful? It is simply a reasonable explanation

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 13/02/2017 15:43

Wow - what horrible insecure people.

My poor daughter has to endure a MIL like this and I see the upset and distress it causes first hand - she's never had anything as nasty and elaborate as this pulled on her though!

I'd possibly call them out on this. I'm not sure how but maybe I'd go as far as to say something along the lines of "I'm really flattered my dinner put you out enough to feel you wanted to try to emulate it. Perhaps next time, ask me for helpful tips to make it a success" - but I doubt you'd be able to say that in practice. It's easier to rehearse things isn't it and then hard to say them when you're actually in the situation.

I actually can't believe how pathetic this was though. Especially for the FIL to be involved. Usually if I'm getting pathetic over something my hub pulls me back and vice versa. This would have meant they had a full blown Bitter Bitches conversation.

I'd feel a little sorry for them if I wasn't so sorry for you

I really would pull back from them very obviously though, severely limit contact. The comments your FIL made to your little girl were shocking and put her in a horribly unfair position.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2017 15:44

Grandfathers PA comments to op dd about who cooking is better. Certainly sounds like they did not like op Christmas Day, and wanted to show op how it should be, and rubbing her face in it! That woukd make me feel so rubbish. Don't host them again!

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