To ask how your dh/dp would have reacted in this situation?

[whirlygirly]

Bit of relevant background- I drive, dp doesn't - that's not a situation we can change unfortunately. The impact is that transport arrangements are entirely covered by me. I regularly drop him and dcs off and pick them up at convenient spots for them then go off to park the car. I cover all long distance family visits, airport runs, school runs and clubs etc.

Anyway, Dp has membership to an event which happens most weekends. He usually goes alone as it's in a city about an hour away but it's good fun to watch so occasionally I go along with the dcs.

Today I'd booked event and train tickets not realising the trains weren't running so it was a replacement bus service. It took no longer but was cramped and uncomfortable- none of us got to sit together.

Anyway at the event while dp was off somewhere we bumped into friends who offered me and dcs a lift home - but they only had 3 spare seats. We could either go straight with them or wait 1hr 30 for the bus home and then walk 25 mins back from the station. It was freezing so we accepted. I didn't think dp would mind too much as I would then meet him at the station. He did mind. It turned into an awkward and horrible situation in front of other people.

I know in isolation I sound selfish and perhaps should have said no but then we'd all still be walking home in the rain now rather than the dcs being fed and in bed. Honestly, this is an utter one off, I can count the number of times I've had a lift with anyone else in the past year on my fingers. I'm a bit disappointed dp couldn't see this and just go with it for once to make my life easier.

Sorry this has got long - Aibu??

[GatoradeMeBitch]

He sounds like a knob. You said that you were all sitting separately on public transport on the way there, it would probably have been the same story on the way back. He lost nothing by going back without you, in fact he gained because he got a lift.

Why is he unable to learn to drive?

[Chickennuggetfeeder]

Yanbu and as much as id like to say my dp would have no problem i know in reality he would silk and i would probably end up being the one walking home in the rain (its happened before)

[onceandneveragain]

OP - how does he usually get to this event (most weeks when you and dc don't go). Do you give him a lift to the station and then he gets the train there and back, and then you pick him up? If you couldn't give him a lift to the station and back, is it walkable distance or would he not be able to go/have to pay out for a taxi/spend more money and time on a bus?

Not that it makes a difference, I think he was being an arse either way. But if you regularly enable him to do his special hobby every week then he is being even more of an arse!

[whirlygirly]

Not football, something indoors that the children do enjoy but not enough for us to go each week - think similar to ice hockey. It's a total pita to drive and park in the city centre and is easier and cheaper by train so we do that to save me driving. I've also got a car niggle which has left me a bit nervous of doing any distance at the moment.

He's back and playing the martyr - he walked back rather than call me and arrived earlier than expected - only an hour behind us including the walk in the end.

I'm not indulging it. I've apologised for not discussing it first but that's it.

[onceandneveragain]

also I think the making an awkward scene about it, in front of the DC and friends who had been nice enough to offer you a lift, is worse than being annoyed in the first place. It just adds rudeness and childishness on top of the inconsiderate selfishness.

[peggyundercrackers]

peggy I did consider that, but I'm not sure. What do you think the opposite argument would be? It would be different if kids weren't involved, or a woman had to make a dangerous walk home on her own, perhaps

Why would it be ok for a man to make a dangerous walk home but not a woman?. Not every man can fight like Hong kong phooey... I think it's wrong because if a man made a decision to go without asking his OH he would be called selfish and a prick but when a woman does it it's ok - Mn double standards once again... of course all these feminists are all for equality, as long as they are in the warm car getting home quickly and not walking home in the rain on their own...

[AyeAmarok]

Mine would definitely have been pleased that the DC and I could get home easier and he could be picked up.

Especially, as this is his hobby, so I assume he usually makes the journey alone? And if you hadn't come with him he would have been doing the journey alone anyway.

Selfish arse.

[RubyWinterstorm]

We used to have this situation.

I went out of my way to drive DH to his bloody events an hour away every week during the season (having to entertain 2 small kids in all weathers whilst we'd wait for him to finish his "hobby") on nice days we'd bring a picnic and it would be quite fun. Mostly it was a fucking chore.

If a situation would have presented itself like the one in OP, my DH would have been pleased forme! And grateful for the drive from the station.

A few years ago he learned to drive....

In my mind, he owes me for life for all those lifts. 5 years of it!

So imo yanbu

Your H os a bit enitled. Become a bit less amenable, a bit less subservient, let him figure out hos own transport when you don't fancy takiing him around.... that's why my DH learned to drive! It was too convenient for him to have me as logistics manager.

Your H sounds ungrateful, so why bother

[ExitPursuedBySpartacus]

I'd stop giving him a lift anywhere. But I'm an arse like that.

[EllaHen]

Hand on heart, I believe dh would have been really pleased for us to get a lift home. A much easier journey if you know the kids are comfortable.

I can't stand martyrs. Best to ignore them. Or laugh at them (only kidding).

[JustSpeakSense]

My DH would've insisted I accept lift and get kids home in comfort.

I would've tried to offer it to him instead, but he would've refused.

I probably would've felt really guilty, but consoled myself with the fact that the kids didn't have to endure bus journey home.

[CookieLady]

I agree with Exit. You drive him everywhere and yet he begrudges you and your dc getting one lift in lousy weather. Selfish arsehole.

[EweAreHere]

He arrived back earlier than expected because he wasn't walking with the children.

Yes, the children. Who you were right to accept a ride for and take home directly and then offer to pick up your OP from the train station. Why should your children suffer in the freezing wet and cold and walk home in the dark if they didn't have to?

He sounds like a selfish ass. Martyr indeed. Over what most sensible grown ups would have offered to do!

Don't indulge his strop. But do think long and hard about how much you do for him (drive him everywhere) only for him to turn around and behave like this. Is he worth it?

[GimmeeMoore]

The priority was getting the kids back,safely,quickly.unfortunately only 1 parent could travel
That one person was you,could equally have been him.not sure why he upset

[lottiegarbanzo]

He was thrown at a sudden change of plans and couldn't process it quickly enough to see that it was a win win result, so panicked? I understand that, DP can be like this and cannot make quick decisions - he lost out on a nice trip I'd have paid for him to accompany me on once, simply because he couldn't cope with making a quick decision to accept.

But, what this reveals is the 'gut feeling' that lies beneath. That's the worrying bit. The gut feeling was not 'I trust whirlygirly and fundamentally know that she has my interests at heart, so whatever's going on here, it will be ok'. It was 'I'm on my own here and believe I'm losing out because fundamentally I don't trust her'.

There are things to examine there - is his fundamental perception that you don't care about him and are in competition with him? Or is it that he sees himself as being in competition with the DCs for your affection? Either way not good.

I find that people betray their own personality and values in the way they interpret others' actions. Nice people assume everyone else is nice too. Distrustful, selfish people think everyone else's behavior is driven by the same values.

[Whisky2014]

Well, if it was so reasonable why not let him take the lift and you get the bus?

[AyeAmarok]

Peggy, try not to derail yet another thread with your feminist-hating nonsense.

Women and children are more vulnerable than men. Children are more vulnerable in the wet and cold than adults. Women tend to be the ones who have to deal with the children. Very few men would willingly make DC suffer, or their wife. The ones who would are selfish.

[dudsville]

My exh would have been angry. My current partner would totally understand but I know he'd rather travel with me. Fwiw though, he does all the driving so not a similar context.

[Chloe84]

Peggy, try not to derail yet another thread with your feminist-hating nonsense

Agreed. Just reading another thread Peggy is on.

[Whisky2014]

Mn double standards once again... of course all these feminists are all for equality, as long as they are in the warm car getting home quickly and not walking home in the rain on their own...

I absolutely agree.
The dangerous walk to station is a poor excuse. No taxis about in this city?

[TinselTwins]

Even if I was the one left behind, the lift would still benefit me from a selfish point of view - instead of getting home via public transport WITH cold hungry tired kids that I then had to sort out before I could relax after my activity, I'ld be getting home TO fed, warm, possibly already put to bed kids - it's win-win, both for the parent who took the lift and the parent who didn't.

[Whisky2014]

Sorry forgot the dh doesnt drive. Yeh he needs to learn to drive.

[TinselTwins]

Why would it be ok for a man to make a dangerous walk home but not a woman?
Oh stoppit! if it was a dangerous journey they wouldn't be planning to take their kids on it, travelling somewhere dangerous with kids makes you MORE vulnerable, they don't protect you FFS

[Birdsgottaf1y]

""as long as they are in the warm car getting home quickly and not walking home in the rain on their own""

Peggy, he didn't have to walk home in the rain, he could have called the OP to pick him up. The OP couldn't have called him, because he can't drive. The children certainly shouldn't be walking around in the rain, if it can be avoided and it was, by accepting the lift.

[ANameToHide]

I wouldn't have thought twice about accepting the lift and it's exact,y what I have done when dd was younger. Dh wouldnt expect me to stay watching his event until the end when dd is cold and wet. And I wouldn't want him keeping a cold and wet dd out if I was doing my event thing too, especially if it's an event i travel to and attend by myself every week.

Friends would think it odd if I said I couldn't accept until I'd asked dh first. If I was the one doing the hobby and dh the one tagging along with the DC to watch I'd think him daft if he came to ask me if he could accept a lift too.