To ask how your dh/dp would have reacted in this situation?

[whirlygirly]

Bit of relevant background- I drive, dp doesn't - that's not a situation we can change unfortunately. The impact is that transport arrangements are entirely covered by me. I regularly drop him and dcs off and pick them up at convenient spots for them then go off to park the car. I cover all long distance family visits, airport runs, school runs and clubs etc.

Anyway, Dp has membership to an event which happens most weekends. He usually goes alone as it's in a city about an hour away but it's good fun to watch so occasionally I go along with the dcs.

Today I'd booked event and train tickets not realising the trains weren't running so it was a replacement bus service. It took no longer but was cramped and uncomfortable- none of us got to sit together.

Anyway at the event while dp was off somewhere we bumped into friends who offered me and dcs a lift home - but they only had 3 spare seats. We could either go straight with them or wait 1hr 30 for the bus home and then walk 25 mins back from the station. It was freezing so we accepted. I didn't think dp would mind too much as I would then meet him at the station. He did mind. It turned into an awkward and horrible situation in front of other people.

I know in isolation I sound selfish and perhaps should have said no but then we'd all still be walking home in the rain now rather than the dcs being fed and in bed. Honestly, this is an utter one off, I can count the number of times I've had a lift with anyone else in the past year on my fingers. I'm a bit disappointed dp couldn't see this and just go with it for once to make my life easier.

Sorry this has got long - Aibu??

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Well DH/DP or not, I would, like you, have accepted the lift, putting my children first. I wouldn't have contemplated refusing, or asking permission.
You did the right thing. I think the vast majority of parents would agree.

[Chewbecca]

My DH can be a grumpy old man but I'm pretty sure he would have insisted that me and DC took the lift.

[lottiegarbanzo]

I didn't think dp would mind too much as I would then meet him at the station So Op was going to go home, get dinner ready, then drive to the station and collect her DH. Thus, he was saved the walk home and would find dinner ready when he arrived there. Two benefits for him. Quicker journey and earlier / better dinner for everyone else. Win win.

I wonder if it was to do with how you told him OP, did you seem gleeful on your own account and uncaring about his lonesome journey? But, his being ungrateful in front of the lift-offerers is very rude. His lack of gratitude on behalf of his DCs very odd and rather horrible.

[AliceInHinterland]

peggy I did consider that, but I'm not sure. What do you think the opposite argument would be? It would be different if kids weren't involved, or a woman had to make a dangerous walk home on her own, perhaps. The addition of the lift home from the station would surely sway most people.
OP what was his reasoning, just a gut reaction of feeling left out of the lift (understandable but worth him apologising for on reflection) or did he really value spending the time together on the train journey?

[Mrsmadevans]

My dh would have wanted me to take the kids home too I think he sounds like a big kid

[TinselTwins]

It would have been a no brainer for me to accept the lift. I wouldn't have had to discuss it with DP first as I know he'ld think it was a great idea to get the kids home and warm and he'ld follow later. There would be no problem whatsoever, and I wouldn't "ask" him either, I'ld tell him and he'ld say "oh that's great!"

[TinselTwins]

If this OP had been a man accepting a lift and leaving you to get him on your own he would have been ripped a new arsehole. You were unreasonable to accept it without checking with him first

Yeah, if the lift was just for him and he was leaving the kids and wife in the cold. Getting the kids home and warm is the only reasonabl option here

[Alaia5]

I think on a forum full of men, they would unanimously think this DH is a tool.

What kind if DH would want his wife and child out in the cold? For instance, tonight we went out for dinner and it's freezing, so DH dropped the DC and me outside the restaurant, went and parked the car somewhere and then went and got the car to pick us all up outside the entrance at the end. And he has a fractured toe at the mo.

OP what do you think is wrong with your DH?

[Sparklingbrook]

I wouldn't have accepted the lift if we all couldn't get in TBH. DH most likely would want me to but if we all went out as a family and expected to make that journey home originally that's what I would want to do.

[Dogsmom]

Your dh was definitely being unreasonable.

Out of interest what did you end up doing? Did you get the lift or stay with dh?

[ScarlettDarling]

Total no brainer, my dh would insist I accept the lift with our dc.

Don't apologise for this one op. He isn't in the right here.

[GTS]

My DH would have been grateful me and the kids got a lift. He probably would have offered petrol money for good measure.

Your DP sounds like a selfish twat.

[Chloe84]

I would stop giving him lifts. Did he apologise for embarrassing you in front of the lift-givers?

[whirlygirly]

Thanks everyone, pallisers has totally got it. I would have willingly let him go with the dcs and got the bus and walked myself - (and in summer, we'd all have stayed,) but it's not a particularly nice city and I would have felt vulnerable walking back to the station on my own.

I'd then have had nobody to collect me at the other end!

It's one of the most selfish things I've done - but I'm also a bit worried about the side of him it's exposed. I know my dad or bil wouldn't have hesitated to offer. If it matters, we're not married and they're my dcs, not his.

We didn't get chance to discuss (and I do think this is the crux of the issue - he hates the unexpected) because I wasn't near him at the event - he has a regular seat but it was a sell out so we were some distance away nearer the people I know.

[F1GI]

My dh would definitely have told me to get the lift and get the kids home.

[ExitPursuedBySpartacus]

I'm desperate to know what this event is that you would spend all this time getting to and from. You would have to wait 1 1/2 hours for the train home then a 25 minute walk. Why didn't you drive there? And the weather here has been pants today.

[SignoraStronza]

Dh would have happily waved me and the kids off and used the opportunity to hang around, chat and have a few more drinks. He'd have been good about walking home the other end too, although I'd have given him a lift. Out of interest op, is it for medical reasons that he can't drive?

[ExitPursuedBySpartacus]

Bus not train.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Gosh, I'm surprised at the people who would have declined the lift so as to persist doggedly with a 'family day out' at all costs - those costs being mostly to the DCs.

Especially given OP explains the long bus journey was unexpected and says then we'd all still be walking home in the rain now rather than the dcs being fed and in bed. You'd rather your DCs be walking in the rain, dinnerless, past their bedtimes, than fed and comfortable in bed, for the sake of family solidarity?

Yes, I understand there can be closeness generated by shared adversity, resulting in good stories, sometimes. This instance doesn't sound like a 'good story' though, just a PITA. Plus, the DH's behaviour suggests that he's not someone who inculcates closeness in adversity. More like someone who embodies 'misery likes company'.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Football season ticket holder?

YANBU. I'd be questioning whether he was the right person for me and my children. I just asked my DH and he said he would have told us to get the lift, but he'd be grumpy about it and made 'jokes' about "abandoning him."

[Alaia5]

Was it a football match OP? Be honest, did you really want to go, or is it just fun because he deems it to be. Personally, I would rather eat glass than watch a ball go up and down a field in freezing weather.

Your gut instinct is right here. The fact that he made a bit of a scene is also very ungentlemanly. I could not be doing with this at all. Is he often childish?

[LeopardPrintSocks1]

How did the awkward conversation go, op?

[GabsAlot]

tough one really-sounds like he didnt wanna make the journey home alone but should have thought of the kids-which we now kn ow arent his-but then again he wasnt sitting with u all day either so what did it matter

[Jenniferb21]

I'd ask him if it wasn't your lack of consultation pre accepting the lift or accepting the lift itself that upset him?

If it's the former I'd just bite the bullet and accept you could've considered his feelings of travelling alone. If it's the latter I'd be worried about how to progress as what sort of selfish person would not want their kids & wife to get home quickly and comfortably??? He'd of had to travel on the bus either way it really made little or no difference to him.

[Badhairday1001]

I don't think you did anything wrong at all, I would have done exactly the same. For those asking why op took the lift and not her husband, I would have thought it was because she can drive so will pick him up from the station. This will save him a 25 minute walk, he could not have done the same for her. He sounds very needy.