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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex leaving 16 year old in charge of poorly 9 year old

78 replies

Racmactac · 12/02/2017 19:18

I have 3 ds, 16 who lives with dad and the other two are 9 & 11.

9 year old suffers nasty migraines, they have just come back from weekend contact.

Saturday ds9 comes down with nasty migraine, being sick and sleeping. Ex decides to take ds11 to pub leaving ds16 in charge of poorly ds9.

I have no problem with ds16 watching ds9 on occasion but not when he was really poorly.

Aibu to think he should have stayed home ??

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 12/02/2017 21:31

So someone old enough to marry and father a baby was left in charge of a 9 year old for a few hours? Yes, it's the end of days Hmm

StiickEmUp · 12/02/2017 21:36

Mumsnet is some really fucking odd place of pure wank today.

9 year old migraine, poss vom, needs daddy more than daddy needs a pint.

Most of this thread should be ashamed,

I bet daddy is an alky.

Leggit · 12/02/2017 21:37

He fucked off to the pub with his other 11yr old child Leggit, not all by himself.. Yeah, I'm not sure how you think that makes it any better but hey ho.

Jenniferb21 · 12/02/2017 21:40

id like to know why a parent would want to leave their unwell child alone when they may require comforting unless absolutely necessary? I'd speak to your son and see how he felt about dad going out. Then discuss the outcome with your ex and explain you were concern as he can get distressed when he has these migraines. It's Something he may not know if he's only just come back in to the picture.

TheFairyCaravan · 12/02/2017 21:53

It doesn't matter that the 16yo is old enough to marry and join the army, with parental consent, the 9yo isn't his child and is not his responsibility.

I honestly don't see that the mention of wanting a drink is a drip feed. The bloke was hardly going to the pub for a glass of water was he?

The child is his father's responsibility, not his brother's. I'm sure there was some way they could have managed to have watched the TV in the house while the father took care of the little boy. I bet the OP manages to look after all 3 kids, and keep the house sufficiently quiet, when the little lad has a migraine at her house.

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 22:07

What's the issue?

DS 9 needed somewhere quiet to rest and a receptacle to throw up in.

DS16 presumably was happy to watch him/not fussed about watching the game and had a phone to call if he felt his dad needed to come home for something. If and only if he was made to watch his little brother when he'd have rather gone with his dad and DS11, would I say this was unreasonable to make him stay home.

DS11 got to go out an spend time with dad doing something he enjoyed, rather than staying at home - as considerate as I am sure he is to his little brother, I am sure he would have rather been out of the house doing anything rather than stuck inside being quiet.

I imagine that their dad also thought that taking him out to the pub to watch the game was better than having it on the TV at home where it might disturb DS9

Just because you would have stayed at home doesn't make his parenting wrong, just different. Everyone was happy (well perhaps DS9 wasn't so much happy but at least rested) and your middle son didn't have to miss out on doing something with his dad.

kilmuir · 12/02/2017 22:11

No point in 11 year old missing out on time with his dad.
If 16 ok with it what is the issue?
I think OP wants aus all to say he is a bad dad and should not be allowed access!

Witchend · 12/02/2017 22:14

I'd do that. My 16yo is just as capable as me of looking after my 9yo when sick.

And if they had a migraine then getting the 11yo out of the way, especially if they were going to watch noisy football, sounds very sensible.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/02/2017 22:22

Yanbu a loving parent shouldn't leave a sick child.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 12/02/2017 22:37

Laughing at all the mummy martyrs here who think the rest of us should be ashamed of ourselves and don't love our kids.

Gabilan · 12/02/2017 22:39

A football match really isn't that important and I presume he's got a TV at home he could have watched it on

I'm hypersensitive to sound when I have a migraine. I'd also rather everyone pissed off and left me alone. If they stayed in the house and watched footie I'd want to kill them.

I really think it depends on the 9 year old and the 16 year old rather than a blanket YABU one way or the other. It also depends on the migraine symptoms. Does child want hand holding or want everyone to leave them alone? How responsible is 16 year old? Is 11 year old noisy and in need of entertainment? It might be less than ideal but it's not crime of the century either.

nooka · 12/02/2017 22:58

The OP says that her middle son would have been considerate of his little brother. There is no indication he was the one who wanted to go to the pub. Or that the eldest offered to look after the youngest so that the dad and 11 year old could spend time together. I agree it sounds as if he might well have cared for his younger brother better than his dad, but that isn't really the point is it?

I'm no mummy martyr (I went back to work when dd was 3mths old and my life isn't centred around my children) but the OP says her youngest has very nasty migraines. Most younger children don't cope very well with either pain or puking. Acknowledging that as a parent it means that sometimes you need to drop things you might want to do (especially involving alcohol) in order to care for them is pretty basic parenting isn't it?

MimsyFluff · 12/02/2017 23:14

My eldest gets migraines all she wants when she has one is for me to sit on the floor of her bedroom with a bucket in the dark with her. She's extremely independent and has never "needed" me in that sense. Did DC2 mind been left with DC1? Maybe he feels safer with his big brother?

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/02/2017 00:19

Lol at the mummy martyr comment. Certainly would rather be viewed as that than a selfish fucker.

brasty · 13/02/2017 10:44

Yes it does depend on middle child.My friend in primary had terrible migraines and wanted to be left totally alone in a dark room when she had them.

Kiroro · 13/02/2017 11:33

Yanbu a loving parent shouldn't leave a sick child.

Really? Never?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/02/2017 11:38

All the threads I have read today on RP concerns about contact.I am sat wondering if Fathers for justice have taken over the site.

Why because people dare to disagree with you.

abbsisspartacus · 13/02/2017 11:46

If he has only just reconnected after a period of absence would he know the severity of the migraine? Does he even know that he needs a bucket?

forfucksakenet · 13/02/2017 11:53

Only in MN 😂 leaves sick child to go to pub: not unreasonable. Puts a teaspoon of sugar on cereal: YABV unreasonable and quite disgraceful actually.

eddiemairswife · 13/02/2017 12:06

It could be that dad had promised to take them all to watch the football, and didn't want to disappoint the 11 year old: and not everyone has Sky to watch football at home.

Patchouli666 · 13/02/2017 13:46

I'd be appalled. And I can't understand anyone thinking different. Yes the 16 year old could easily lol after and clean up after 9 year old but why should he? Why were his needs less important than his dad's? And to go to the pub! Not for a walk or to the shop etc. Something totally for him. You shouldn't put your kids second especially after a period of no contact and now it's fortnightly. Does he not have a telly to watch sport on?

Patchouli666 · 13/02/2017 13:49

But then the 11 year old should have been told that they were staying in. Op says he's a lovely boy and I think he'd have understood. That way the 16 year old would have got to see his dad too not been left behind.

BertrandRussell · 13/02/2017 14:07

All depends on how the 16 year old and the 9 year old felt about it, really......

NewDOOFUSfor17 · 13/02/2017 14:18

Nope, sorry, can't see the problem. At 16 years old I was living in supported living, had a job and was attending college so was more than capable of looking after a 9 yr old with a migraine.

Op I have to ask, what was the reason for the non contact? I think that could help give some context to the issue, if you stopped contact because he was a raging alcoholic incapable of looking after the kids then fair enough being concerned but the fact is we don't know. And did 16 year old want to live with his dad (which would suggest he can't be that bad)?

I think they are quite obvious questions and am quite surprised that you haven't given that information or been asked yet, it's impossible to make a proper judgment either way with little info.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/02/2017 14:21

That way the 16 year old would have got to see his dad too not been left behind.

If you read the OP the 16 yr old lives with the DF.

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