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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex leaving 16 year old in charge of poorly 9 year old

78 replies

Racmactac · 12/02/2017 19:18

I have 3 ds, 16 who lives with dad and the other two are 9 & 11.

9 year old suffers nasty migraines, they have just come back from weekend contact.

Saturday ds9 comes down with nasty migraine, being sick and sleeping. Ex decides to take ds11 to pub leaving ds16 in charge of poorly ds9.

I have no problem with ds16 watching ds9 on occasion but not when he was really poorly.

Aibu to think he should have stayed home ??

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 12/02/2017 20:08

Yabu he was spending quality time with your 11 year old.

angeldelightedme · 12/02/2017 20:12

And he might have wanted to take the 11 yr old out so that the poorly one could have some peace and quiet.Have you ever had a migraine?

brasty · 12/02/2017 20:12

Of course a 16 year old can look after a sick sibling. My best friend was caring for her own baby at that age. And at 16 I was employed to look after a 3 year old by myself.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 12/02/2017 20:12

Aha! There we have it AIBU... Yes. You're all wrong.
He wasn't poorly, he had a migraine that he knows how to manage (be near a toilet and sleep it off). I say this as someone who has had migraines for 30 years. Mithering over it and curtailing your own plans doesn't help. The 16 year old could cope fine. You, however, have seen red because it's not what you would do and seem to be trying to make your ex out to be a negligent parent. Be careful on that front. Detach and look a bit more objectively, could save you a few needless arguments along the way. Just because it's not what you would do, doesn't make it wrong.

angeldelightedme · 12/02/2017 20:13

He has only just started seeing them again after a long period of no contact
In that case the DS9 might feel more comfortable with his brother than his father .

Badcat666 · 12/02/2017 20:14

Maybe, just maybe he thought taking his kid to watch football would be a nice treat instead of everyone having to sit indoors being quiet as church mice? Sometimes, when another child is ill a lot, other children can feel left out.

Did your 11 yr old have fun?? If so then what is the issue?

Did your ex come home pissed as a fart? If so then yes it is an issue.

I think you are looking for a fight over something that you would consider an issue. 1 child being ill doesn't mean the other children have to give up their weekend. I can imagine the 16yr old would be happy loafing around at home looking after the poorly one, maybe your 11 yr old needed to get out the house and wanted to watch the footie with his dad (but couldn't have the telly on at home due to the other kiddie being poorly).

SalmonFajitas · 12/02/2017 20:14

I think it would be fine if DS had a cold and just needed to veg on the sofa but migraines are horrific and can leave you seriously disorientated so YANBU he should have stayed unless it was an emergency.

redexpat · 12/02/2017 20:20

Well I wouldnt leave a 9yr old for a football match because its boring as fuck, but if there was a handball match I would be off like a shot if there was a loving responsible 16 yo sibling there and I knew I would be back in a couple of hours.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 12/02/2017 20:21

In addition, I do understand after a period of non contact you are going to be hyper aware of any perceived problem. That's why you need to look more objectively than you currently are. Don't go off the deep end just yet, monitor the situation and see if it's a small part of emerging behaviour, or just you jumping to conclusions.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 12/02/2017 20:22

A 16 year old is perfectly capable of keeping an eye on a 9 year old.

Bit of a drip feed there- you knew we would be shocked at your ex taking the 11 year old to a pub.

Taking him to see a football stream with other fans is quite a different matter.

Presumably you know what happens with a migraine? Quiet, dark, cool, room is what's needed. There's nothing anyone else can do. The 11 year old is probably better out of the way.

nooka · 12/02/2017 20:32

People's experiences of migraines vary widely. My dd at 16 is fine to be left on her own, but at 9 she still found them very scary and hard to manage. She was in acute pain for several hours and needed a lot of support to help her calm down so that she could relax and fall asleep. Sometimes the only way to do that was to get in bed with her and have to stroke her hair and tell her that I loved her and that she'd be OK. Before we got anti-sickness medication for her the throwing up upset her hugely too.

Maybe 16 year old dd would be able to look after a hypothetical 9 year old sibling with similar symptoms given her experience but 17 year old ds would find it highly stressful - he finds it fairly hard to cope with dd crying through her much more manageable migraines even now.

Oh and when she gets stroke like symptoms frankly I get scared too. The time she started slurring her speech seriously freaked me out, and I had the option of driving her straight to the hospital.

StoorieHoose · 12/02/2017 20:34

What happens during his contact isn't of your concern - as long as the 16 year old was happy to stay that you have no say in the matter.

Trifleorbust · 12/02/2017 20:43

What I would do is neither here nor there. He is comfortable leaving a 16 year old in charge of a 9 year old. He is the parent so he can make that decision. It's completely legal.

Oysterbabe · 12/02/2017 20:45

I think it's fine. You know some 16 year olds have children of their own right?

TheFairyCaravan · 12/02/2017 20:52

Knowing how ill I feel in the midst of a migraine I wouldn't have gone to the pub to watch the football and left a 16yo looking after a 9yo with a migraine. A football match really isn't that important and I presume he's got a TV at home he could have watched it on.

jay55 · 12/02/2017 20:57

Using the 16 year old in an emergency when the 9 year old is ill is one thing but fucking off and leaving the pair for no urgent reason feels wrong.

Badcat666 · 12/02/2017 20:59

Considering how much noise my neighbours make when the footie is on, I wouldn't want someone watching the footie in the house when I was having a migraine.

Anothermoomin · 12/02/2017 21:03

No way, NO way would I leave a poorly child. Migraines are horrible, at 9 in an unfamiliar house, when you are feeling awful you need parental support.

Those of you suggesting you would leave a poorly child so you could have a good time in the pub can I say What. The. Actual. Fuck? Are you even parents?

The 16 is not 'keeping an eye' on the 9 yr old, they are looking after an ill, possibly distressed child, who may well be vomiting. I would never leave any child in this situation, 16 year old or 9 year old.

Having said that your ex was in charge it was his responsibility. A very unpleasant situation for you and your children.

Starlight2345 · 12/02/2017 21:06

All the threads I have read today on RP concerns about contact.I am sat wondering if Fathers for justice have taken over the site...

If my 9 year old is poorly I am with him. He belongs at home with a parent taking care of him. On occasions this is not possible.. However a jolly to the pub .

Where has the care gone about these kids?

Original poster
Racmactac · 12/02/2017 21:07

Some of you seem to get why I'm pissed. I have no issue with ex leaving oldest to look after ds9 in normal circumstances but he was poorly.

When he gets migraines he sleeps and then wakes frequently to be sick, he gets very hot and upset on occasion.

It wasn't an emergency, he wanted a drink! We have had issues in past when ex would take them to pub regularly and leave them to amuse themselves whilst he sat at bar drinking.

OP posts:
Jenniferb21 · 12/02/2017 21:12

I think every post here has missed the point. Only you know the 16 year old. How responsible I was at 16 was MILES apart from how my brother was at 16. 16 is by the book a reasonable age to look after another child but only you know how mature and responsible they are.

For instance are they more concerned with entertaining themselves or would they regularly check in on them?

I personally couldn't leave my unwell child even to 'cheer up' another. A child of that age feeling unwell would want cuddles and comfort from a parent. However I wouldn't say he did anything wrong, only you all know the full circumstances and the maturity of your children/ teenager.

Every family and parent is different I don't see this as black and white I'm afraid. If you don't want it to happen again could you come to an agreement if a child is unwell you are notified? Then you can arrange suitable childcare or be there yourself.

X

budgiegirl · 12/02/2017 21:16

it's not like a 16 year old will clean it up is it?

Well, 16 year olds are perfectly capable of clearing up sick, surely? They are enough to get married, join the army, I'm sure they can handle a bit of vomit.

I wouldn't leave my child if they had a migraine. However, if your ex decides to do so, that's his choice. You don't get to decide what your ex does when he's got the children, just because it's different to what you would do.

Badcat666 · 12/02/2017 21:21

Oh FFS "Starlight* I'm female and I don't see an issue but I do think the OP is trying to pick a fight which could cause major issues down the road.

We don't know if the 11yr old was dying to see the game but couldn't watch it at the dads because the 9 yr old was trying to sleep and the telly could have woken them up.

We don't know if all the 9 yr old needed was sleep. Maybe they wanted to be looked after by the 16 yr old, we haven't been told.

The OP said the dad "went to the pub" in their 1st post but didn't mention it was to watch the football with the 11yr old so it sounded like he was going to drink.

Also the 16 yr old most probably has a better understanding on what to do and how to look after the 9 yr old than the dad did.

And I bet my eye teeth the 16 yr old has looked after the 9 yr old at the OPs place as well. Maybe the 16 yr old said "you two go and watch the footie, it will be fine". We don't know!

Lots of variants we don't know of and haven't been told.

Lots of kids get ill and lots of times are looked after people other than their parents. They survive and are loved.

Badcat666 · 12/02/2017 21:23

So 2 pages in and now you mention drink OP? Drip feed much?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 12/02/2017 21:26

I dont think thats a drip feed. I thought it was fairly fucking obvious.

Your ex is clearly a selfish nob. Puts his own wants before bis children's needs. Sadly theres nothing you can do about it when he has them.

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