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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbours unfair to blame me for my puppy being run over?

86 replies

stillpinching · 12/02/2017 18:13

About 8 months ago I got a puppy following the death of my beloved old dog. Obviously not had a puppy for a while, so found training hard but we were going to classes and not doing too badly.

Over the road lives a, well, kind but perhaps overly interested in the neighbours type of person. I have lived her for just over a year, and she made herself known from the start, knocking on the door and introducing herself etc. This was nice, but a few times she and her husband seemed to be a little bit over-invested in my life, commenting on the dc and jobs they could see needed doing from looking at the front of my house, which I was obviously aware of. When ds2 broke his leg, she was over within minutes of seeing me get him out of the car with a cast on offering lifts to school - which was obviously very kind, but a bit odd that she had clocked the situation so quickly. She has often as good as told me she feels sorry for me being a single mother - I am currently divorcing.

Anyway, when I got the puppy she started offering to walk with me with her dog, and gave me a lot of tips, some of which contradicted the advice I was given at training, but I was grateful for her help and company.

Three weeks ago, I was out walking my puppy alone and he bolted underneath a hedge onto a road and was run over and killed. Obviously I am extremely sad about this and regret letting him off the lead that day. But his recall was pretty good and the field in question looks to be pretty secure and is always full of dogs off the lead. He crawled under the hedge and it hadn't looked like an obvious risk. Clearly I am paying the price now for what was in hindsight a misjudgement.

The woman made all the right noises at the time I told her, but now she is blanking me. The change is obvious, as previously she always seemed to appear when I left the house/pulled up in the car, and now she never does. If she is there, she turns the other way. Her dil works in the local shop and tonight when I went in, she was in the back room, came out, saw me and went back into the back room (there was a second person there serving as well).

I feel like the whole family hate me now because I made a mistake with my puppy. They clearly blame me for his death and that really hurts. I feel uncomfortable in my own street now and don't know what to do. I was happy to have moved here to have friendly neighbours, but now they seem to hate me. How can I handle this?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 12/02/2017 22:56

Make up your mind op. First your neighbour was nosy and over invested. Now she's judging you and blanking you. Try living your own life.

hmcAsWas · 12/02/2017 22:56

So sorry about your puppy - you're wrong to blame yourself, I don't see how you could have foreseen that the puppy would burrow under a thick hedge to get to the road. Accidents are simply just that sometimes - awful bad luck with nobody culpable for them Flowers

hmcAsWas · 12/02/2017 22:57

Ignore TwatterQueen and a few other goady posters

TwitterQueen1 · 12/02/2017 23:02

Nice HMC ... Not goady at all actually. My point being that op doesn't believe she did anything wrong and I am not contradicting or disagreeing. Op should not care what others think. What matters !most is that each of us should have the courage of our own convictions.

hmcAsWas · 12/02/2017 23:06

Sorry, was a bit juvenile! Grin

Not an unreasonable point but rather brusquely put...in the circumstances (I thought)

bumsexatthebingo · 12/02/2017 23:07

I think it's a bit of a leap to assume this is why she's blanking you? It would be a very odd reason. Is there anything you could have done to offend her?
She seems a little odd anyway so maybe just enjoy your privacy and try t make some less weird friends?

Mrscaindingle · 12/02/2017 23:14

I know how you feel a bit, I moved into a new neighbourhood and a previously friendly neighbour stopped talking to me and blanking me in the street and I had no idea why. My mum gave me good advice which was that she would have fallen out with me over something else at some point. She was quite unstable as I realised later and I gave up wondering what I had done but it is unsettling when you have just moved into a new area and especially when going through a divorce (as I was)

I'm very sorry about your puppy Sad

BeBeatrix · 12/02/2017 23:31

You do seem to have got over it quite well!

Just because the op is calm and clear doesn't mean the OP isn't still very sad about what happened.

And what happened was at worst an error of judgement - is there anyone who hasn't ever made an error of judgement which put a life, animal or human, in danger? Most of the time we get away with a few seconds' mistake.

pregnantat50 · 12/02/2017 23:33

i wonder if she has lost a pet before and a little like some people find it hard to know what to say or do around grieving friends they instead avoid them. It may be more to do with her own issues than blaming you for the puppys tragic accident xx

LlamaBananas · 12/02/2017 23:51

So sorry for the loss of your beloved pup.
Ignore the haters -too many people love to stroke their own ego at every opportunity. Self righteousness helps some people feel better about themselves.
On the plus side that family have shown their true colours now which means you will be better off without their involvement in future.

pooh2 · 12/02/2017 23:58

So sorry about your puppy OP Flowers I think in a way it's probably a good thing that she's now backed off! As someone upthread said, people like your neighbour "reward you with their attention and withdraw it to punish you." SHE is the one with the problem, not you! I would imagine if you asked any of your mutual neighbours, she has behaved similarly to them over the years. I'm going through something similar with an ex-friend/neighbour; I used to dread her kids coming to play with mine and she used to invite herself round all the time; but not she's started ignoring me I kind of miss her! I really hope things get easier for you and remember, she would have probably stopped speaking to you for some other silly reason if it hadn't been over this.

BenadrylCucumberpatch · 13/02/2017 00:04

You do seem to have got over it quite well!

People manage to keep enough composure to hold funerals just a few days after a loved one's death.
Or does saying goodbye to your pet dog cause more pain than burying family members now?

Ffs Confused

Deathraystare · 13/02/2017 08:48

It sounds like your neighbour merely befriended you to (probably) find out what she could about you and now she is probably satisfied!

No great loos. Unlike your puppy. Sorry to hear about your puppy:(

TwitterQueen1 · 13/02/2017 09:36

HMC yes, you're right. I did come across as brusque. Didn't mean to.. on tablet instead of PC so 'saving' my words because one-finger typing is tedious.

FWIW I don't believe any dog-owner would deliberately endanger their pet. I lost my beloved dog 5 weeks ago and am finding it v v difficult. I'm going to get a puppy within the next couple of months; I will be extra vigilant.

skerrywind · 13/02/2017 09:42

It is not your fault, animals are not machines they act suddenly without notice.

Of course it's the OPs fault.
I feel sorry for the poor driver.

Craicvac · 13/02/2017 09:59

I'm an extremely experienced dog owner and am always cautious about letting my dog off the lead. A few months ago we went on a walking trail- kept him on the lead the whole way out and then let him off on the way back as we'd established it was secure and there was no livestock. We still couldn't see or hear the road when our dog bolted. He does agility and his recall is usually brilliant. As we ran after him, it became apparent that he had heard a lorry coming before we had any knowledge of it, and decided to chase it. We arrived on the road after sprinting for a good quarter mile and there was no sign of him. As I stood shouting his name with tears streaming down my face the wee blighter came trotting back over the hill, straight back to us and rolled over at my feet to get a belly rub. I got lucky, I'm sorry you didn't. These things are tragic accidents and I don't think the people who have their judgey pants on realise just how easily it happens.

headinthecloud · 13/02/2017 10:09

I'm sorry about your puppy, sadly accidents do happen.
The situation with the neighbour I think is a blessing in disguise to be honest.

pooh2 · 13/02/2017 10:55

OP, I also completely agree with what Deathray said - she might have stopped being friendly now that she's mined you for all the information she can get! I have met people like this, sadly they do exist 😬

hmcAsWas · 13/02/2017 10:57

Very sorry to hear that TwitterQueen - been there, they leave such a gaping hole. Good luck with the new pup

Rightontheschnozz · 13/02/2017 11:32

You're definitely not being unreasonable. Your neighbours are. It wasn't your fault that the puppy bolted and got ran over. It's an awful tragedy. You taught the pup recall and felt confident to let it off. I'm so sorry the accident happened. Can't imagine the pain you went through. How do you know it's because of the puppy's death that she's being off with you? Was she there? Even so, it's no reason to ignore you. People can be strange. It reads like, whilst she was quite full on, you did enjoy her company. So that is a shame. But maybe it's best that you don't become dependent on her for your social interactions. Maybe ask her why she's blanking you if you see her again? Or just forget about her. She's doesn't come across as someone you particularly want knowing all your business.

Notonthestairs · 13/02/2017 11:43

I agree with the poster upthread. You don't need your neighbours forgiveness here. You may be projecting your own feelings on to her. Whatever the reasons for the withdrawal of her attention I think you should ignore, be friendly if the occasion occurs and you feel like it, but otherwise get on with your life Flowers

Cakingbad · 13/02/2017 11:56

I lived for 12 years next door to a neighbour who was probably similar to yours. She would make really close friendships quite quickly with people, meet up with them and their children a lot, go out in the evenings, etc. And then suddenly it would be over. 2 months later a new BF would appear for the next year or so. And so on. And so on.

Good description of the type of person your neighbour is from Milk ^^
She sounds like a serial befriender who picks people up like a new hobby then drops them for some spurious reason and moves on to the next victim. You are well rid - and don't think for one minute that the other neighbours will side with her - in fact you will probably meet people more easily now she is not monopolising you.

Sorry about your puppy Flowers.

YouHadMeAtCake · 13/02/2017 12:02

I agreee with pp. You should never have let him off lead near a road and you don't seem that upset. Of course it's your fault and I would be blanking you too. You didn't pay the price by the way, your poor little puppy did. Don't get any more ffs.

limitedperiodonly · 13/02/2017 12:18

As I stood shouting his name with tears streaming down my face the wee blighter came trotting back over the hill, straight back to us and rolled over at my feet to get a belly rub. I got lucky, I'm sorry you didn't. These things are tragic accidents and I don't think the people who have their judgey pants on realise just how easily it happens.

I'm so glad for you craicvac. My cat was crushed by a car on 2 January and died in my arms. Most people who didn't know him would find it very hard to believe that he only ever went out with me, walked alongside me on the pavement, answered to his name and would normally do as he was asked. He was just a cat, after all and most people think cats don't do those kind of things. But though he walked with me, he walked off lead - he wouldn't have tolerated a lead because he liked to explore every single bloody basement round here while I stood about like a burglar's lookout Grin.

He understood the dangers of moving traffic but didn't understand that all cars are dangerous. Unfortunately it was a quiet road and a slowly parking car that he strolled under right in front of me. That's why I said crushed, not hit. It happened in front of me and there was nothing I could do but shout. He even looked back at me as if to say: 'Aren't I a naughty boy?' as he walked under the wheel because he knew I didn't like him going under parked cars but sometimes did it because he loved being mischievous.

I can't unsee that. I see his uncomprehending, ruined little face all the time. I still have the gloves that he tore in his convulsions and that are covered in his blood and hair. It wasn't the driver's fault, for the person who felt sorry for the driver who hit OP's dog. But I do regret having to constantly reassure him that it wasn't his fault while my little friend was dying.

I can't tell you how many times I've walked across that road since then with nothing coming. As you put it, we were unlucky that day and so was OP.

OP, some people want to pile more pain on you. Ignore them. They are unimaginative at best or deeply unpleasant creatures at worst.

gandalf456 · 13/02/2017 12:22

I agree with those who say you are well rid. I never trust people who are too full on. The signs were there at the beginning -comments about the house, dc etc.

However, I do think.what's killing you is the lack of closure. Have you asked her why she's being odd? I'd say 100% it's about the pup as she sounds judgemental. I also think it's not what you do when someone's lost a pet, regardless of circumstances. She obviously wasn't as friendly as she.appeared.

I think you kind of need to have the last word.on this because it's basically bullying. If she didn't approve, she could have cooled.it without ignoring