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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbours unfair to blame me for my puppy being run over?

86 replies

stillpinching · 12/02/2017 18:13

About 8 months ago I got a puppy following the death of my beloved old dog. Obviously not had a puppy for a while, so found training hard but we were going to classes and not doing too badly.

Over the road lives a, well, kind but perhaps overly interested in the neighbours type of person. I have lived her for just over a year, and she made herself known from the start, knocking on the door and introducing herself etc. This was nice, but a few times she and her husband seemed to be a little bit over-invested in my life, commenting on the dc and jobs they could see needed doing from looking at the front of my house, which I was obviously aware of. When ds2 broke his leg, she was over within minutes of seeing me get him out of the car with a cast on offering lifts to school - which was obviously very kind, but a bit odd that she had clocked the situation so quickly. She has often as good as told me she feels sorry for me being a single mother - I am currently divorcing.

Anyway, when I got the puppy she started offering to walk with me with her dog, and gave me a lot of tips, some of which contradicted the advice I was given at training, but I was grateful for her help and company.

Three weeks ago, I was out walking my puppy alone and he bolted underneath a hedge onto a road and was run over and killed. Obviously I am extremely sad about this and regret letting him off the lead that day. But his recall was pretty good and the field in question looks to be pretty secure and is always full of dogs off the lead. He crawled under the hedge and it hadn't looked like an obvious risk. Clearly I am paying the price now for what was in hindsight a misjudgement.

The woman made all the right noises at the time I told her, but now she is blanking me. The change is obvious, as previously she always seemed to appear when I left the house/pulled up in the car, and now she never does. If she is there, she turns the other way. Her dil works in the local shop and tonight when I went in, she was in the back room, came out, saw me and went back into the back room (there was a second person there serving as well).

I feel like the whole family hate me now because I made a mistake with my puppy. They clearly blame me for his death and that really hurts. I feel uncomfortable in my own street now and don't know what to do. I was happy to have moved here to have friendly neighbours, but now they seem to hate me. How can I handle this?

OP posts:
Bahh · 12/02/2017 18:55

Poor pup, my condolences. Not your fault. Error in judgement, terrible accident.

It does seem you're being a little unreasonable about the woman though, maybe it's just an offshoot of your emotions after the puppy though? If it bothered you that she was so intense, surely it's now a good thing she's backed off, regardless of the reason. Silver linings and all that. You can't have interaction only on your terms I'm afraid.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick · 12/02/2017 18:56

Awful way for it to happen, but it might be no bad thing that she's backed off, OP Flowers

MilkRunningOutAgain · 12/02/2017 18:58

I lived for 12 years next door to a neighbour who was probably similar to yours. She would make really close friendships quite quickly with people, meet up with them and their children a lot, go out in the evenings, etc. And then suddenly it would be over. 2 months later a new BF would appear for the next year or so. And so on. And so on. Right through the 12 year period. It has been a bit of a relief to move away! Sorry for your loss OP, I think you do have to let puppies off the lead at some point, & there are always risks. My poor childminders dog, generally a very sensible animal, fell off a staircase and died last summer. It was an accident, no more & no less.

PossumInAPearTree · 12/02/2017 18:58

Ffs.

I'm sure if the OP had written at the time about the puppy dying she would have come across a hell of a lot more heartbroken but the actual death wasn't the focus of this thread was it? It was about the neighbour issue.

Who btw sounds like no great loss. Fuck her. If she wants to be judgemental and unsupportive leave her to it.

Flowers
sizeofalentil · 12/02/2017 18:59

I really don't think the puppy's death was your fault - you did a risk assessment (hedged-in area, good recall, puppy within sight etc) so no idea why pp are being so horrible. As horrible as it was, accidents do happen even to the most careful animal owners.

Are you sure this is why your neighbour is avoiding you? Because it seems crazy for her dil to follow suit if so. If my mil told me to blank someone because their dog got run over on their watch I'd think she was insane.

Maybe there's another real or imagined slight? Either way, if she's blanking you over this it would have only been a matter of time before she did this over something. So don't feel bad. It's her issues, not yours.

SallyInSweden · 12/02/2017 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altiara · 12/02/2017 19:07

Sorry for your loss Flowers
I walk my puppy and part of the field is near a road so he could run off into the road at various points. Sometimes it's not obvious how close to the road you are because of trees/bushes and the surroundings.
Sounds like they have flipped with the puppy as the reason. I would focus on the fact that they are no longer interfering in your life and they can't be that nice if they are blanking you and making their whole family do the same. I do feel for you with everything that's going on in your life. Focus on your other friends and family.

TheFirstMrsDV · 12/02/2017 19:09

Sorry about your dog. How horrible for you.
Unfortunately pet ownership seems to have gone the same way as parenting, there is always someone ready to criticise and blame whatever the situation.

I am amazed any puppies make to adulthood tbh . The seem intent on self destruction most of the time.

I am sure you have gone over what you could have done differently a million times.

TrustySnail · 12/02/2017 19:14

I have no advice to offer, but I'm really sorry you lost your pup Flowers.

BalloonSlayer · 12/02/2017 19:15

Are you sure it's because of the puppy? There is no evidence to suggest it is. It's far more likely that she has picked up that you think she is a PITA and is offended.

It seems to me as if, because you blame yourself for what happened to your puppy you are attributing others' unpleasant behaviour to it as well, to punish yourself.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 12/02/2017 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolCarrie · 12/02/2017 19:20

Sorry you lost your wee puppy.

MoreThanUs · 12/02/2017 19:22

Delores and Sally, you might like to RTFT, I apologised a while ago to everyone.

UnbornMortificado · 12/02/2017 19:29

I don't get why posters continue to get vitriol even after they've apologised.

I'm sorry about your puppy still Flowersaccidents are an unfortunate part of life. I agree with PP's that you could do without this women's help.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/02/2017 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/02/2017 19:32

"Sorry to those of you I've pissed off. I just got the impression the Op had taken it more lightly than I might have done. I stand corrected though."

Apologies. I missed this. Will ask for above post to be deleted.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 12/02/2017 19:34

Likewise

dalmatianmad · 12/02/2017 19:35

I'm so so sorry that you lost your puppy, can't imagine what your going through Flowers

I wouldn't give the neighbour a second thought, she sounds like a nosy old bat and I'd be happy that she had took the funnies for whatever reason......

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2017 19:40

Tbh, sounds like a lucky escape from an interfering neighbour. She would drive me mad with her comments on what needs doing and belting across to your house the minute she sees you. I was never so happy as when my neighbour moved out and I didn't have someone knocking every five minutes.

I'm sorry about the puppy, OP. Please consider a longline. Mine escaped a secure park last week, I was horrified. Of course yours was an accident, these things happen, happened to a guy I meet on walks sometimes. It's horrific.

Lweji · 12/02/2017 19:41

I don't get why posters continue to get vitriol even after they've apologised.

Probably for the same reasons they were vitriolic in the first place. They can't really complain.
Just be more careful and less nasty next time.

ReadyPlayerOne · 12/02/2017 19:52

Im really sorry about your puppy OP Flowers

peukpokicuzo · 12/02/2017 20:39

It takes a certain level of maturity to know that you are OK with not everyone liking you or approving of you. It is not possible to achieve everyone liking you and approving of you. You made a mistake and you have learned from it. You are grieving the puppy's untimely death obviously. You do not need the neighbour's forgiveness or friendship. She sounds like a difficult person to have as a friend.

Migrainemate · 12/02/2017 20:55

I'm sorry for your loss OP
We had a very similar neighbour by the sounds of it - up until we moved
She lived a few doors down with her grown up son so I knew she was probably lonely but she worked full time and visited her parents lots and so on but every time our car pulled up she was there, commenting that our " positive parent " approach didn't seem to be working ( DD was about 18 months at this point ) and was having a little tantrum about wanting to walk barefoot from the car to the house, but actually was almost weirdly obsessed with our cat.
Her son hated animals so she didn't have one but she would return the cat to us whenever he was outside, was always going on about how dangerous and cold it was and couldn't we keep him home.
After explaining to her many times he loved going outside, came home via the cat flap every night by about 10 the neighbours cat unfortunately got run over on a street down the road and she told her it was her fault and so on.
I said I was shocked she could speak to someone clearly devastated in such a way and she too never spoke to me again!
I took it as a good thing and moved on and I think you should do the same.
She sounds negative and you don't need it.

isadoradancing123 · 12/02/2017 20:59

This happened to me. Of course you will feel guilty and heartbroken. If that stupid woman is blaming you, you are better off without her company

Casz · 12/02/2017 22:48

She may be ignoring you because she doesn't know what to say to you.