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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask when you knew you were done with babies?

85 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 12/02/2017 09:30

I'm actually probably way too old now to have another at 43 but I can't stop thinking about it so feel I need to explore it without committing!
So when did you know you definitely didn't want any more? Did you know for sure? I kind of feel like once you have had kids there is always the potential to be broody but in the end you have to stop for practical/ financial/ age related reasons. Suspect this sudden urge to have one last baby might be peri- menopausal as well! I have a 5 and a 9 year old and feel very lucky to have them.
But I have been constantly thinking about babies lately!
Aibu to think this is probably a last ditch hormone surge before the onset of menopause? It's come from nowhere!

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 12/02/2017 09:34

I knew after DS2 (he was a wee surprise 11 months after DD) because my MH wouldn't withstand the newborn stage again. I wouldn't change our kids and I'm so glad we had them, but I'm also very glad the newborn bit is over that said, I had very painful, complicated pregnancies and awful PND and anxiety was made worse by PND. Now I'm getting back to myself and DS2 is nearly 3, I feel like I owe DP (who was phenomenal throughout all the stress and problems) and the kids the best version of myself.

Original poster

Exileinengland1999 · 12/02/2017 09:36

I really like the way you put that @saor - that you owe them the best version of youself- that's really true. Practically I think having a 3rd at my age would put too much of a strain on our family life for that very reason.

OP posts:

stevie69 · 12/02/2017 09:41

In my early to mid 20s. I'm 50 next month and completely happy that I made the right decision

NerrSnerr · 12/02/2017 09:41

I am 31 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and after two horrendous pregnancies I am never doing this again. We're also lucky enough to live in a house with two similar sized bedrooms for the children and we want to keep the box room as a study which is a very shallow reason.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 12/02/2017 09:41

I had my last (dc5) at 44, a surprise and it was fine. Would have loved another after because it was so nice to have a baby again but it did not happen. If you want one - and can still get pregnant and carry, go for it.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 12/02/2017 09:42

Thank you OP I had worried it had come across wrong! They all put up with so much when I wasn't well, they missed out on a lot too, and now I feel that they deserve to have me at my best even if I do miss squishy newborn cuddles because they all waited patiently (and in DPs case, held me together most of the time) for me to get to here.
Have you tried writing a pros and cons list? That might make it easier for you to make a final decision?

SmallBee · 12/02/2017 09:45

I knew while I was pregnant with DS ( number 2) that he was my last, I had HG and SPD, I could barely care for DD at all. I can't do it again with two of them.
Also DH suffers from depression and anxiety and the newborn phase is very very hard on him.
Happily I do feel our family is complete now so no regrets about this decision, which is quite lucky as DH has had the snip the

stevie69 · 12/02/2017 09:45

Forgot to add that, yes - I was always completely sure how many children I wanted and that never changed.

S xxx

luckylucky24 · 12/02/2017 09:46

I am 27 and recently adopted our 2nd child (first was birth child). I am so exhausted and although am enjoying our children, have realised I don't like the baby stage very much and how restricted/ anxious it makes me feel. We will not be having another!

123bananas · 12/02/2017 09:46

After dc3. I nearly died and the small matter of no longer having a uterus is a factor too. I don't get broody anymore and I am around loads of babies.

I do sometimes think that at some point I would like to adopt if we can, but as the children get older I find myself enjoying a full nights sleep and increased freedom. Plus holidays cost more and I would like to travel more in the future.

sweetkitty · 12/02/2017 09:49

Always knew DC#4 would be our last. I had horrific SPD and felt after 4 babies in less than 6 years that was enough. I physically couldn't go through it again.

I was just shy of my 35th birthday and now 6 years later I'm beginning a new career and I have never regretted stopping.

WhooooAmI24601 · 12/02/2017 09:49

I had surgery last year so can't have more. I'm 35 with two DCs and at the time my coping mechanism was to shrug and say "we have two happy, healthy DCs, why would we lament ones which never existed?" but as time goes by and I sniff friend's newborns the truth is I'd have loved another. I'd have loved a few more. I love being a Mother, I love babies, the DCs are kind, caring and would love another sibling. So I'm not done, not emotionally. Just physically. The contrast between the two can hit like a brick to the face occasionally when I dwell on it.

FATEdestiny · 12/02/2017 09:50

Our 4th child is 2 years old.

We always wanted four. I always wanted four. I didn't for one moment feel "done" after DC3 whereas this time around I definitely do. I feel our family is now complete, I didn't feel that way with my other children.

I have always saved things for the next child. A loft and garage full of baby equipment and toddler toys. This time, at each stage we are getting rid of things. It doesn't feel sorrowful to give away newborn things, as I thought it would. It feels "right"

I'm 40 by the way. Biologically I'd probably struggle to have anymore. But I wouldn't want to. We are knackered done now.

Your children are 5 and 9 Exileinengland1999, I'd suggest you are broody now because last time you had a 4/5 year old, you also had a baby.

I word of warning - my friend always wanted 3. Shorter age gap than expected, she had a bit of a break before trying for #3. In the 4 years she waited, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had chemo. Thankfully she is fine now, the cancer has gone. But she has no menstrual cycle. She mournes very deeply her third child that never was. She regrets not ttc sooner.

So really listen to your heart. Will you regret not trying for another baby? Or will you be indifferent?

Chasingsquirrels · 12/02/2017 09:53

When DH was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and given a 12-ish month prognosis last spring.
I was 43 at the time, and although it's very unlikely we'd have had a child (he is 14 years older than me) it had still been a possibility in my mind.
(I have 2 children with my exH born when I was 30 & 33, none with DH).

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/02/2017 09:53

The minute i knew i was pregnant with dc4
There was never going to be a dc5

PervyMuskrat · 12/02/2017 09:53

About a millisecond after I gave birth to DC2! The wave of relief when I realised I'd never have to do that again was all the reassurance I needed.

On a more rational basis, our family's mental health just wouldn't cope with another baby - we have the money and the space, just not the mental strength to cope with spreading ourselves even thinner.

Fairylea · 12/02/2017 09:54

I'm 36 and have a 14 year old and a 5 year old. I'm done now. My youngest has asd and learning difficulties and I had a horrendous birth with undiagnosed placenta previa (had no symptoms or bleeding at all and went on to lose 2.5 litres of blood during c section when they discovered it). For me that's enough to put me off for life. I don't enjoy the newborn stage at all anyway. It's like torture. I love my two to bits but I'm definitely done.

PervyMuskrat · 12/02/2017 09:55

Chasingsquirrels

Northernlurker · 12/02/2017 09:57

When dd3 was born. That's nearly ten years ago and I haven't had a minutes broodiness since. I was only 30 too but I felt done. Dd3 was long planned. I didn't realise that I would feel done like this but I would very much recommend it. It's a lovely feeling compared to the nagging longing of broodiness.

Kmxxx14 · 12/02/2017 09:57

I thought I'd have 3. DD Is 5 months & I never want to do this again. Ds Is 5 & I remember hating the baby phase but this time it's so much worse & I forgot what it was really like . I'm done.

JaniceBattersby · 12/02/2017 10:00

I have newborn DC4 (four kids in six years) and I'm done. Of course a part of me would love to go on forever and have loads of lovely little newborns but most of me does feel 'done', which I definitely didn't after DC3.

I have very difficult pregnancies and very clingy, non-sleeping newborns and I can't put the kids, my husband or my marriage through all that again. Plus, I'm excited to be able to buy new clothes and to be able to wear them for a decent amount of time, to be able to have nights out (been breastfeeding non-stop for six years), to be able to put my back into my job and progress my career which has been on ice since baby number one, and to be able to have nice things on low shelves in my house!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/02/2017 10:01

It was an age gap thing with me. I wanted small gaps. So although I wanted a dc4, when ds3 was about 5 and it was now a very large age gap, I stopped being broody.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 12/02/2017 10:02

I knew when I found out I was pregnant with twins with one 3yo already - no more!

I knew when I was throwing up 3 times a day from morning sickness.,

I knew when I could barely walk or wee due to my giant belly.

I knew when trying to find space for cribs, giant prams, change tables etc.

Then I held them and sniffed them and cuddled them and thought about how wonderful these baby things are and I wanted another...

And that lasted 5 seconds before all 3 of them scream for me and I realise I am already stretched too thin to be the mum I want to be. No more!!

Also have you seen real estate prices? I can't upsize and stay in my nice area so no more.

malvinandhobbes · 12/02/2017 10:02

i have a 13 year old, an 11 year old, and a sixth month old.

For the first time in 15 years I know what it is like not to want another baby. I've wanted this baby for years and am over the moon to have her now.

I love my career. DH is very, very career-focused. I fit my career in. We live an ocean away from all family. Two babies and four kids would be the end of my career. One baby is doted on, for me, another baby becomes more about management. I hate being pregnant.

I am so glad we had this last baby, and I am surprised how good it feels to know I am done.

greenmidgetgems · 12/02/2017 10:09

I've a DD6 and DSD14. I had bad pnd after DD and then 2 MCs. We tried for a while after the second MC but a combination of things - my MH, our ages and finances (I'm the main earner and went back to work after DD when she was 5 months) and the fact DD has eczema and was / is a terrible sleeper. I had the depo injection while DH waited for the snip thinking I might change my mind but I didn't.

If we didn't have DSD I might have tried for longer for another but even though DSD doesn't live with us, she and DD have a fabulous relationship so I never felt like DD was an only child.

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