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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask when you knew you were done with babies?

85 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 12/02/2017 09:30

I'm actually probably way too old now to have another at 43 but I can't stop thinking about it so feel I need to explore it without committing!
So when did you know you definitely didn't want any more? Did you know for sure? I kind of feel like once you have had kids there is always the potential to be broody but in the end you have to stop for practical/ financial/ age related reasons. Suspect this sudden urge to have one last baby might be peri- menopausal as well! I have a 5 and a 9 year old and feel very lucky to have them.
But I have been constantly thinking about babies lately!
Aibu to think this is probably a last ditch hormone surge before the onset of menopause? It's come from nowhere!

OP posts:

skerrywind · 12/02/2017 15:35

I would have liked a third but OH was dead against, so we stopped.
Now that I am facing University finances for our two children I am very glad we had no more. We have been saving for years for University costs and we can just about manage- three kids would have crippled us financially.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 12/02/2017 15:38

I don't feel done. I think about whether to have another baby every day, often several times a day. We have 3 DDs and I do worry whether we'll be able to devote much time and energy to them individually but in my heart I feel very sad and panicked at the thought of not having another. The yearning is so strong it takes my breath away. It's a real heart vs head decision for me and I don't envy anyone who has to make it, or has it taken away from them. I would love to be one of those women gleefully closing the door on the newborn years and giving their stuff away joyously.

GreyBird84 · 12/02/2017 16:18

Pregnant with DC2 now.

Horrible pregnancies & im actually suffering from depression now. I know it will all be fine but at the minute I'm struggling mentally & physically.

So this is the last. Like PP I owe my children the best version of myself & I feel like I am failing DS now.

Part of me would love 3 but I can't go through this again or put anyone else through it again either.

Financially implications too are a factor - house, car etc.

Purplebluebird · 12/02/2017 16:35

About 2 weeks after my one child was born, I knew that this was as far as I could stretch. I have major MH issues, which turns out to be affected by both pregnancy hormones, and the hormones after birth. I was 26.

I am now 29, my son is 3, and I couldn't be happier about my decision!

ButtMuncher · 12/02/2017 18:51

I'd love to have another. DS is 5 months old and I've struggled, though. Anxiety and post natal depression is a fucker and I've found myself questioning myself more than ever before. I had a terrible pregnancy and DS had no pattern of movement so I was forever over the hospital. It put a huge strain on our relationship before he was even born.

DP has two and quite happy to stay that way but not happy enough to ring back the clinic for a vasectomy so who knows. If I could know for certain my MH would withstand another I would in a heartbeat, but I'd be terrified.

MotherofPearl · 12/02/2017 19:06

I have 3 DC, and I am so glad we didn't stop at 2, which we nearly did. After DC2 was born, I think we both assumed that was it, but as I approached 40 I got increasingly eager to have one more baby, so I understand your position. I could not stop thinking about it, and DP and I eventually decided that we'd be much more likely to regret not going for it than we'd ever regret having another child. DC3 was born when I was 41 and she is a delight and a joy to the whole family.

So now I do feel done, but I sometimes think if I'd started with babies when I was a bit younger, or had limitless space and money, I'd probably have had about 15!

Angelika321 · 12/02/2017 19:12

I was sure I was done. Even got my husband to look into getting a vasectomy. We have 3 kids 1 with SEN and there is no way I could deal with the new born days. Am in my forties too and my 3rd child finished me off physically!

Any way my period was late last week. I did a test and it was positive. So while I wouldn't have chosen this I'm not unhappy about it.

ThomasRichard · 12/02/2017 19:40

When I started a new relationship after divorcing exH. When we talked about kids he said he was quite content not to have his own biological children. My two are 7 and 4. I had moments of looking at him and thinking how much I'd like to have a baby with him but realised very quickly that that was because of the way I felt about him rather than because I actually wanted another child. In fact, thinking about the practicalities of having another baby is overwhelming. DC2 goes to school in September and I'm enjoying having the time and energy to do things other than being a parent.

ThomasRichard · 12/02/2017 19:41

Congratulations Angelika!

1pink4blue · 12/02/2017 19:41

With my 4th i said i was done but deep down i knew i wanted one more.
When i had dc5 i just felt that i didnt want anymore children.
She is 2 in a couple of weeks and i havent changed my mind.

Paddingtonthebear · 12/02/2017 19:43

We were done after one baby. She's 4 years old now and I've never felt broody. We feel complete as a family of 3. Everyone is different.

mistermagpie · 12/02/2017 19:45

I'm pregnant with DC#2 and I can't say I'm done yet. If this one arrives safe and sound and we manage ok with two then we will likely try for a third. A lot of people say you know when you're done, so I think I can't be! I've had good pregnancies though and I think that makes a the difference.

AJudyKate · 12/02/2017 20:16

After number 2 definitely (mine are 5 and 9 the same as you) and I'm 42.

I have always had recurrent miscarriages (2 live births from 6 pregnancies) so pregnancy is horrible, anxious misery for me. Despite that I was desperate for number 2.

From when DD was 2 we were trying for another baby and I felt a desperate longing that pushed me on through 2 miscarriages and a scary pregnancy with bleeding and pain throughout. After DS was born I just never felt that way again.

I love our family as it is and it doesn't feel as if there's a vacancy IYSWIM. It's a unanimous view in this house DH and both my DC actively don't want another baby either.

My life has moved on a lot and I just can't see how a newborn would fit in. I have been promoted at work, have more time for hobbies, parents getting older and need me more, love the freedom for a weekend away with DH, kids have their own hobbies that would be harder with a baby.

None of my friends are having any more so we are all at the same stage of life where DC are getting more independent. I just can't see myself at a baby group anymore. I think I'd have nothing in common with first time mums in their 20s.

I still love a cuddle with a newborn but I have no desire at all to change nappies, do night feeds, push a buggy or any of that stuff.

If you do then perhaps it does mean something.

Youhaveupdates1 · 12/02/2017 20:31

I'm 34 and my ds2 is 6 months old, I know for sure I am done!
I'm incredibly anxious at night about the lack of sleep and also if my ds1 wakes up as he can't communicate just yet I get very anxious and I can't sleep - during the day I'm fine but night times fill me with dread and so I'm very sure no more for me. I have been looking into being sterilised.
Whilst I love the cuddles and watching the baby grow the newborn stage is hard work and I do not wish to repeat it. Ds2 is fussy beyond belief and I couldn't cope with another. Plus finances would suffer etc

Niskayuna · 12/02/2017 20:38

Had my second, was thrilled, but I was done done donedy done. Wondered if, despite being done, a bit of brood would reappear. It didn't. Done, done, done, never felt so done. And yeah, it feels good. No wistfulness or what-ifs.

FreeButtonBee · 12/02/2017 20:50

I had DTs 4 years ago and always felt there was someone missing round our kitchen table, despite the fact we had the 'perfect' b/g twins. DH was dubious about a third but we went for it and it rely completed our family. He is the little bonkers crazy balance to everything else. I did have a mad broody moment when he was about 6 weeks thinking another would be nice but it (very!) quickly faded and I am done done done. My little family is lovely as it is. And we are powering through the stages so quickly. The baby is 18 mo and thinks he's also 4! He is already a great playmate for the DTs and I can only see that fun side getting better as they all get older.

Familyof3or4 · 12/02/2017 20:53

You're not too old.

We thought about three. Had two and wondered if we should stop, sleep and life settling, financially better etc.
Then someone said they have had a third because they thought about it and decided you couldn't regret having a child but you might regret not having a child, and that made a lot of sense to us.
I'm now pregnant with my third and feel so sick there is no way I'm doing this again. Also will cherish the baby snuggles and feeds as the definite last one.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 12/02/2017 20:55

We've only got one but I'm too scared to risk a second.

Squeezed · 12/02/2017 20:56

I was probably 15 weeks pregnant with dd2 and I knew I didn't want to be pregnant again. The pregnancy got more physically difficult and it just firmed my decision. I wouldn't put my girls through another awful pregnancy even though I wanted a third.

hellotreeshellosky · 12/02/2017 20:57

I always wanted 4 and still do. It has taken 7 years and three rounds of ivf to have #2 though,and I'm not far off 40 so I think it's unlikely I'll ever feel done. I am loving the baby stage with newborn DD and trying to savour it in case she is the last.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2017 21:00

Just one here dd 6

Was 37 when I had her, two MMC following. One late. We are done.

228agreenend · 12/02/2017 21:14

Having a hysterectomy put the end to,it for me, even though I 'm the wrong side of mid forties, and have two teen dcs.

Probably would have liked more than two. However, dc1 was seriously ill at the age of three, before DD2 was even one year old. Emotionally, it took us over a year to get over this (maybe longer), and then dh and I were getting old (well, mid and late 30s!). dh couldn't really contemplate another baby as he was scarred by dc1's illness.

Being one of four, I would have liked a larger family, but it didn't happen, and as the dcs got older, didn't really fancy going back to the baby stage. Over the years, I still feel felt semi- broody, but knew, maybe slightly regretfully,,that those days were over.

PrincessWizard · 12/02/2017 21:18

When DD2 (dc no.3) was around 4 weeks old. I was 26. We planned for 4 but after one month with DD2 i said never again. Six years on i haven't wavered from that decision.

Every ounce of broodiness cured

AJudyKate · 12/02/2017 21:19

Thinking about it the other thing that happened for me was that because we had a bigger age gap between 1&2 although many of my friends have 3 DC the 'extra' is in between my 2 and not afterwards.

If I occasionally ever do feel there's a gap it's for a 7 yr old not a new baby.

Juveniledelinquent · 12/02/2017 21:20

After my third, who was a poor sleeper.

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