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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you knew you were done with babies?

85 replies

Exileinengland1999 · 12/02/2017 09:30

I'm actually probably way too old now to have another at 43 but I can't stop thinking about it so feel I need to explore it without committing!
So when did you know you definitely didn't want any more? Did you know for sure? I kind of feel like once you have had kids there is always the potential to be broody but in the end you have to stop for practical/ financial/ age related reasons. Suspect this sudden urge to have one last baby might be peri- menopausal as well! I have a 5 and a 9 year old and feel very lucky to have them.
But I have been constantly thinking about babies lately!
Aibu to think this is probably a last ditch hormone surge before the onset of menopause? It's come from nowhere!

OP posts:
OldLagNewName · 12/02/2017 10:12

When I realised that there would be nearly 10 yrs age gap between my eldest and another baby. My two (2 yrs apart) are really close and play together the whole time because they are at similar developmental stages. However much they'd have loved a baby sib, it felt to me like starting another family, which I didn't want to do.

Also, as others have said, I don't think our mental or physical health would survive another round of the early years, especially now we are more than 10 yrs older.

Applesauce29 · 12/02/2017 10:26

I have a baby and a toddler and struggling with both. Haven't had a decent nights sleep in 4 years. Marriage suffering because I'm always so tired and snappy. Lose temper with the toddler, and struggle to cope with baby constantly crying (reflux). DH would love a third, but don't think we'd survive it, plus I think it would be unfair on the two we already have. (I do practically everything for the two kids during the week, have had no time on my own since second was born, and resenting my loss of freedom as DH just doesn't pull his weight with the childcare). Hence I think unless we won the lottery and could afford a full time nanny it won't be happening!

HeteronormativeHaybales · 12/02/2017 10:28

Straight after no. 3 (whom it had taken several years and miscarriages to have).
She's 16 months now and broodiness is a thing of the past. I'm 40 soon but don't feel too old as such. Just know I've reached my limit. I would probably terminate if I got pregnant again by accident.

Topseyt · 12/02/2017 10:30

For me it was after DD3 was born.

I knew that three was my limit, but it still took me a few months to fully accept that there would be no more and that I was done forever with the newborn, baby and toddler years. A gradual acceptance, even though I already knew deep down.

It was the right decision. I have never regretted it.

MrsWhiteWash · 12/02/2017 10:30

When youngest turned 6 - coincided with a move where all our existing children got their own room - started also to look forward to having more independent children and more freedom and opportunities for me.

Thattimeofyearagain · 12/02/2017 10:36

I always thought I wanted 3, but after dd ( dc2) was born I knew I was done. DH & I discussed it when she was 18 ish months old and he was open to another, but I was not aching to have another iyswim. I am happy with my decision ( dc are now both adults)

GoodGirlGoneWrong · 12/02/2017 10:44

Dc2 is 3! I have not slept for nearly 3 years. I don't think I could physically do it again.

I always wanted 4 but after 2 horrid pregnancies, and childcare costs I decided 2 was enough! We are now coming out of the expensive childcare and enjoying having more money to do things as a family.

Every now and again I still get a hankering for a 3rd but know it's just not possible. So I find a baby to cuddle then it cries and I feel such a sense of relief I can hand the baby back.

Dogsmom · 12/02/2017 10:45

I think it's just your bodies way of trying to trick you into reproducing one more time before it's too late.

I'm almost 42 with 2 dd's aged almost 2 and almost 4 and it's just getting to the stage when it's enjoyable and quite stress free, I booked dh in for a vasectomy when dd2 was 12 weeks because I was certain I didn't want any more.

I'm sure we made the right decision but I do get the odd 'what if' pang but then I remind myself how hard the baby stage is and how much it'd affect our families way of life which is now pretty good.

I think the pangs come from my bloody minded streak, I don't want any more kids but also don't like my body deciding for me that I can't, I get a bit petulant and think 'I'll show you'!!

thenewaveragebear1983 · 12/02/2017 10:47

After ds3- I'm so utterly exhausted now and spread so thinly among them that I cannot see how I could fit in another. Plus for vanity reasons and health reasons eg. I've had gd twice and it was pretty bad last time. I'm a stone heavier after each pregnancy and no time to exercise, plus I have a bad back now. The main reason is that I literally do not get a minute to myself.

I know this is the right decision because when I see babies I am not broody as I have been in the past. I feel achingly nostalgic for when my babies were tiny but I don't want another one. My family is complete.

KieraCameron · 12/02/2017 10:48

When I was 25! I fell pregnant with my 3rd and my God, was I ill! The most extreme sickness and nausea and then terrible back problems. Once the baby was 5 months old, I was sterilised, best thing I ever did, I just knew I didnt want any more! I really didnt want to get in my late 30s and maybe change my mind.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 12/02/2017 10:58

I was never a broody person, didn't want kids. At 32 something strange and chemical happened in my brain and I became very broody - stroking baby clothes in shops during my lunch break and crying type of broody! DD was born when I was 33. I had HG, we were lucky to both survive the delivery, then I had PTSD and PND. It was horrific. Having a small baby was the worst time of my life, it was soul destroying. It could have easily destroyed my marriage if my DH wasn't such a determined type.

We both knew we only wanted one. I think even if we'd had a smooth ride we'd still only have wanted one because parenting is relentless and the baby stage was not exactly a delight!

All baby stuff / equipment went to the charity shop as soon as it was outgrown. I never mourned the passing of the baby or toddler stage like some people do, I never mourned that she was growing up too quickly. I celebrated and felt excited by developments, love seeing the person she's growing up to be - never once looked back.

Folk who want more kids sometimes say they fell like someone is missing, they don't feel fulfilled or complete. We've never felt any of that - feel happy and complete as a family of 3, not wistful or thinking of what might have been etc. DD is 8 now and is the pride and joy of our lives, she;s everything we wished for and more.

But, we would never, ever want or have another. It's great with one - easy, fun, money not an issue. We can pretty much do what we like, when we like. There's no spreading ourselves thin, balancing funds, activities, time etc between kids - we wouldn't enjoy that.
It must be horribly painful to want more and live with an unfulfilled yearning if it's not possible, or to feel like you need to keep going til you reach x number of kids if circumstances make it impossible.

Jeanne51 · 12/02/2017 11:37

Ive got 4. all adults. I decided instead of veing broody concentrate on the kids I have. Even when they started to grow up. In fact as they grow up they need you more.

OhhBetty · 12/02/2017 12:09

When my ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with my first. I'll never trust anyone enough to create another life.

TheSnowFairy · 12/02/2017 12:19

'We always wanted four. I always wanted four. I didn't for one moment feel "done" after DC3 whereas this time around I definitely do. I feel our family is now complete, I didn't feel that way with my other children.'

This ^^

(Except for us it was three, not four.)

Talith · 12/02/2017 12:38

2 under 3 did it for me. I was shattered and miserable and knew I would never put myself through the newborn stage again. 7 years on and past 40 I haven't changed my mind!

Garnethair · 12/02/2017 13:39

We wanted our children young so we could enjoy them as young parents. So by the age of 24i was all done. Two children close together and we enjoyed every stage of their lives, now in our fifties, we can concentrate on us, as adults, look forward to grandchildren in the coming years hopefully too.

hunans · 12/02/2017 13:44

I knew I was done after the crippling sleep deprivation, anxiety and PND (all linked) following DD2's birth. I never, ever want to go through that again.

There are also practical reasons; we are lucky enough to have a large bedroom each for the DCs plus a spare which we use as an office for DP to run our company from.

With two DC I can be mentally, physically and financially very comfortable. Any more and we would treat water in all of those areas.

hunans · 12/02/2017 13:48

I must also add that there are lot of people on this thread articulating feelings that I know I have but have never really been able to put into words before.

Thank you. Flowers

Twitsinspace · 12/02/2017 14:48

I think age wise you are pushing it a bit. Risks are much higher. The feelings will pass.

DesignedForLife · 12/02/2017 15:20

I've got two, 2.5 year old and 6 month old. I always wanted 3, but can't decide now. DC2 birth nearly killed me, and I don't find pregnancy easy, but I don't know if I feel done. But I also don't know if DH could cope with another. But then I keep on wanting to give baby stuff away, and I don't feel broody, so maybe I am done?

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 12/02/2017 15:22

I had a really horrid pregnancy with DS 1 and swore I wouldn't do it again. It was even worse with DS2 and I was super poorly after having him and could have died so that for me, was a decision made!
Love my boys, wouldn't be without them but it's hard work.

HyacinthsBucket · 12/02/2017 15:25

I was 27 when I had my 4th and final pregnancy - we had 3 healthy dds and 1 stillborn son. I was told that my uterus wouldn't hold up to another c section delivery (last 2 births) and it made the choice for me. Funnily enough I was OK with it for years until I reached nearly 40 and I found it a really upsetting fact to deal with. Now I'm 46 and have 3 grandchildren under 4 and thank god I didn't have one that late - I'm exhausted after they stay overnight and am very glad I dealt with all that sleep deprivation when I was in my 20s!!

wettunwindee · 12/02/2017 15:27

At 36 when I had our second.

DH and I both wanted the same things and are highly organised so actually knew we'd only have 2 with the first at 30 after 4 years of marriage.

I guess I knew at 26 when I would be done with babies.

Both of us occasionally want another for 5 minutes or so but it wouldn't fit our lifestyle, ages, finances etc. Besides which, i'm too old and Dh has been neutered.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/02/2017 15:30

I had hyperemsis with all three pregnancies and was so so sick the whole nine months. When I had my son after my two girls I just knew I was done. Would never, ever want to go through pregnancy again. Wouldn't want another baby or sleepless nights. Look at pregnant women and feel sorry rather than envious. Don't get all gooey over babies or even want to hold them really.

Aoibhe · 12/02/2017 15:32

When my youngest turned 2 and life suddenly became easy again - I could go to the cinema with the kids, could go on the occasional night out (I EBF babies who won't take bottles) was getting a nights sleep, could have a conversation with a toddler or at least he could understand me. Up until that point I wouldn't have minded another. Now, the idea of a baby fills me with dread, and I'd hate to do that to my older DC again.