Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to feel as if DH takes over care of our baby?

68 replies

moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:41

This may well be the most ridiculous AIBU ever, but I'm going to ask anyway.

I was very ill during pregnancy, and DH was brilliant, very supportive and kind and caring. (He's always been very good whenever I'm unwell which isn't much.) He kept telling me to rest and on the back of this I went on maternity leave quite early, just before Christmas, when I was six and a half months pregnant. As it turned out the baby came a bit early, just by a fortnight, so by then I'd had 2 months at home and I was a bit low.

After giving birth I felt dazed and shocked, like nothing was real, and I didn't connect at all with our baby. DH did everything, well almost everything. I sort of supervised during the day when DH went back to work but I felt disconnected to everything and everybody. DH meanwhile doted on the baby.

I feel like now things are still like this, like DH is the main carer and I'm in the shadows somehow? I started off coherent but now I don't know what point I'm making, but can anyone understand?

OP posts:

Eyebrows2016 · 11/02/2017 21:59

Given DC is around 1, can you spend some time doing mimicry with DC? I recently spent 10mins blowing kisses (rudimentary obvs) with DS. Over the last year there have been times I thought he didn't like me. This was awesome and random and unexpected.

Original poster

moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 22:03

6 here too and honestly it won't scratch the surface :)

Oh well at least the baby has one good parent!

OP posts:

Disabrie22 · 11/02/2017 22:12

Moonlit Dew - I experienced that isolation from the baby feeling - it's classic postnatal depression.
No matter how you are feeling - or however your husband behaves - the baby needs YOU - and it's relationship with you will shape its WHOLE life. You sound very depressed to me and you do not have to live that way - you also sound like you are resisting help - you owe it to yourself to act on this - and your baby.
You need to get to your GP and sit there and tell him how it is - and you need to be patient with medication and try different ones until you feel better.

Disabrie22 · 11/02/2017 22:14

Please sort yourself out for your Babies sake too (speaks from experience on both sides)

Original poster

moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 22:21

please sort yourself out

If I could. I would.

OP posts:

mainlywingingit · 11/02/2017 22:45

You will need to be proactive though for things to improve - next step is the GP! As much as people try to be helpful here on mumsnet - you need a professional here as I guess you are understanding that this is not that normal.

It can be turned around but you will need to be proactive. Sorry to repeat but please see your GP. Good luck

user1471449499 · 11/02/2017 23:02

Hi OP
I completely understand.
I felt in utter shock and dazed and isolated and literally couldn't do anything for my baby. My husband did everything; for the first two weeks the only thing I did was feed her. I hadn't even changed a nappy.
I had no support, no friends, family, or HV etc but eventually when she turned one I sought help from some charities and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I have been having free of charge therapy from them ever since (my baby is now two and a half). Maybe look to see if you have a counselling charity nearby who could help you?
Like a PP said, try to do skin to skin if you can. I didn't get skin to skin when she was born and I've never bathed with her but the other day we just cuddled in the nud and it was lovely.
Take things slowly and things will get better. I completely understand and I know how hard it is, you're not alone in your feelings x

Original poster

moonlitdew · 12/02/2017 10:05

Thank you I am probably being silly DH is just better with our baby I suppose some people are.

OP posts:

DizzyFizzyLizzy · 12/02/2017 10:38

I felt like this while I was recovering from an emergency c section. I was in a terrible state. DH and my mum did it all. A couple of weeks after I got home, it became apparent that I was a little bit frightened of the baby. I wasn't confident, we did t have much of a bond, and I would recoil in a bit of a panic every time she cried and DH wasn't there because I didn't know what to do.

My mum recognised it. She gently told DH to stop taking over and doing things for me (he wasn't trying to be controlling, his logical thinking was, baby needs fed, mum isn't/can't do it, so I'll just make up the bottle). I gradually was forced to start doing things myself.

I dreaded DH going back to work. But it was ok. And one day, about a month in, DD smiled for the first time, right at me, and I howled. The bond and love was there, just like that. We've never looked back.

When I look back, I had PND and maybe even an element of PTSD for sure. You need to get help. Find the right medication. Get some counselling. Maybe you need to come to terms with how sick you were. That took me a long time.

ispentitwithyou1 · 13/02/2017 11:53

How are you doing op?

user1487016710 · 15/02/2017 18:42

Hi Moonlitdew you may find it useful to have a look at Cedar House, the website is www.postnataldepression.com.

I had PND and went to the support group provided by Cedar House. It was a real lifeline for me at such a difficult time. Lots of people around me also found reading the website useful, including my husband as it has info for partners too.

If you'd like any more info just get in touch. I'm working with the charity to improve awareness of both the condition and the help available.

I really hope you start to feel good again soon!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/02/2017 18:45

Could you have PTSD rather than PND? I was diagnosed with PTSD ten months after DS was born. A course of CBT has helped enormously.

DeterminedToChange · 15/02/2017 18:49

I think you really need help. It sounds as though you could do with talking all this through with someone. Every case of PND manifests itself differently, but it seems pretty clear that you are suffering. It sounds as though you've had some sort of PTSD from the birth - do you think that's right?

The thing you have to remember is that your baby loves you more than anything. She wants to be with you. Talk to her as much as you can. Smile at her as much as you can. Meet her eyes as much as you can. Make her laugh - that's always a huge mood enhancer. If you feel you don't know how to do that, look up 'laughing baby' or similar on YouTube and get some ideas there.

Please, please don't give up and think your husband's the better parent. It sounds as though he's a great parent, but you need to be, too, for all of your sakes.

PND is bloody awful, but you will get through it.

altiara · 15/02/2017 18:57

No DH is not better with your baby, he's just different!!

I did NCT classes where the mums on Mat leave were told not to jump in when dads came back from work and did things differsntly to you because they still got them done even if not as efficient as you or they could be more efficient. Sounds like he needs to take this advice.
I also think you sound like you have PND and think you should see someone.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 15/02/2017 19:07

Maybe try taking the driving seat when you are alone with your baby and see how it goes. Go off and have little adventures and day trips, try new food, new activities, go to new places. You dictate the schedule. Don't LET your DH take over when he gets home. Just carry on with your day and say "it's fine, I've got it under control, no worries." I think you need to reassert your role pronto

Itsjustaphase2016 · 15/02/2017 19:09

He will NOT be better!!! He's just more confident!

EllenRipley · 15/02/2017 19:23

Can only mirror the other advice, OP, my first instinct is that you are in the throes of post natal depression and your first priority is speaking to a GP that you trust, perhaps sticking with some medication and finding someone to talk to, whether it be private or NHS counselling. Honestly, this will help. This is not to say the issues you have with your partner aren't real but feeling better in yourself and as a mother will make this easier to talk about and work through. You've had a rough time and the first year can be hellish, how you feel is common and normal. Your DP has just fallen into a role, probably over compensates and has a heightened sense of responsibility - feeling as you do, it's no wonder it's hard to shake the feeling that you're somehow the secondary parent. I've had PND, so I can relate and also saw this scenario with a friend who had PND after an awful birth experience and a difficult baby. Her partner took over and didn't know how to stop, which made her feel worse. It all came right when she was treated for PND. Don't give up on your situation, push yourself to get some support - you'll look back and be glad that you did x

DeterminedToChange · 15/02/2017 19:30

I think what I didn't realise when I had PND was that it didn't feel how I would have thought it would. It's a really nasty illness that really plays with your mind. Don't think that because you're not sitting crying all day that you're not depressed. The distance you're feeling from your daughter tells us that you're suffering really badly. Help is available! Anti-depressants really worked for me.

Can you speak to your health visitor if you don't fancy talking to your GP?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread