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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel as if DH takes over care of our baby?

68 replies

moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:41

This may well be the most ridiculous AIBU ever, but I'm going to ask anyway.

I was very ill during pregnancy, and DH was brilliant, very supportive and kind and caring. (He's always been very good whenever I'm unwell which isn't much.) He kept telling me to rest and on the back of this I went on maternity leave quite early, just before Christmas, when I was six and a half months pregnant. As it turned out the baby came a bit early, just by a fortnight, so by then I'd had 2 months at home and I was a bit low.

After giving birth I felt dazed and shocked, like nothing was real, and I didn't connect at all with our baby. DH did everything, well almost everything. I sort of supervised during the day when DH went back to work but I felt disconnected to everything and everybody. DH meanwhile doted on the baby.

I feel like now things are still like this, like DH is the main carer and I'm in the shadows somehow? I started off coherent but now I don't know what point I'm making, but can anyone understand?

OP posts:
Blinkyblink · 11/02/2017 20:44

But aren't you alone with the baby when your dh is at work?

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:45

I was I am now back at work, though part time.

OP posts:
Blinkyblink · 11/02/2017 20:46

So in the time you have alone with the baby, presumably quite a few hours, can you not carve out your own way?

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:48

I don't think I know how.

OP posts:
Blinkyblink · 11/02/2017 20:49

But you have been doing and are doing it? Yes? And your baby is developing and thriving?

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:50

Lol never mind

OP posts:
Ilovecaindingle · 11/02/2017 20:50

I do get what you mean. My ds was prem - emcs and he did loads from the start. I bf but he got up early while I caught up on some sleep and sometimes it felt like they had started their day without me and I felt left out at times!! I went back to work and dh is a sahd - I feel like an outsider at times. . But honestly looking at dh and ds is so great knowing they have a great bond when so many dc don't have that - even my younger 3 who don't see their df at all - but it is amazing that he is such a hands on df and we truly share the dc - Dobwalls him how you feel - he is such a dab hand he won't realise you feel like you do-he just sees it as doing his share. Nothing wrong in sharing your feelings with dh!

Ilovecaindingle · 11/02/2017 20:51

Do tell him how you feel!!

PaddlingFuriously · 11/02/2017 20:51

I have experience with depression but not in the post natal capacity. Even so, it sounds as though this could be your issue - feeling disconnected from the world is one of the ways I experience a depressive episode. Maybe have a word with you hv?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 11/02/2017 20:52

Could it be depression OP? I think it could be good to talk to your GP or health visitor.

haveacupoftea · 11/02/2017 20:54

I also thought depression.

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:55

I was diagnosed with depression but I hated the medication I was given so much and it actually made me feel worse. It's hard to explain but there's never been anything sincere in what I do with the baby, it's like we areboth hanging round waiting for DH to get back.

OP posts:
FortyFacedFuckers · 11/02/2017 20:55

Does your DH step in and take over? Tell you you are doing things wrong?

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 20:56

Sometimes ... Not exactly like that but he'll do it in a "jokey" way like say to the baby "oh dear what is mummy doing to you!"

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 11/02/2017 20:57

The medication for depression can make you feel worse at first. I would go back to GP. The feeling of disconnection sounds very like depression. Sort of going through the motions.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/02/2017 20:57

Listen to me, and listen good:

YANNNNNNBU.

There will be 1000 people on here who claim you don't know how lucky you and - and they are right - but I have this too, albeit different circumstances.

Basically, in a nutshell, DH works long hours in the week - and I feel treacherous saying this - tends to massively overcompensate at the weekend.

DH is a wonderful, loving, kind and generous man who dotes on DD. But I do feel like he goes into "FULL BEAM" mode at the weekend and can't wrap his head around it's ok to just let DD wander round and ping her toys everywhere when we watch telly. Everything has to be "together" or "family time" and - by proxy - I feel like a lazy, distant parent when compared to how he is on weekends.

I spoke to him honestly about how I feel. He did say that he was aware of overcompensating and that he didn't think I was lazy nor distant. And he has backed off a little bit.

But it still gets on my tits a bit just how super involved and 150% he is with her at the weekend. DD must feel "oh great, I'm back slumming it with this lazy old trout" each time Monday rolls round.

Again - YANBU.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/02/2017 20:58

Sometimes ... Not exactly like that but he'll do it in a "jokey" way like say to the baby "oh dear what is mummy doing to you!"

[HANDBRAKE TURN]

My DH hasn't ever said anything like that. That's not cool.

ispentitwithyou1 · 11/02/2017 20:59

Be kind to yourself,give yourself time to recover from what you went through. There is a lot to be said for fake it til you make it. You are feeding,clothing ,washing your child etc so they are fine and will have no memory of your feelings if disconnection. One day you will feel the connection,when they smile/ ask for you etc,and that will come. I also have a very hands on dh and am accepting of the fact we are better at different things with regards to our daughters care.there will be things you are better at! Do you think you may have a bit of pnd?

Pastaagain78 · 11/02/2017 21:00

I get it. How old is your baby?

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 21:01

One this month. I feel more now than I did but I feel like I can't relax and just get on with trying to be a parent. I don't know.

OP posts:
mainlywingingit · 11/02/2017 21:02

Well done for posting. Sounds like you may have some Post Natalie depresssion which is extremely common. In addition your DH has not intentionally but most likely totally undermined you and you have lost confidence in your ability to parent without him.

I would go to your GP, explain the situation and that you may need to try different meds and start with baby steps.

Do you have baby friends ? Family nearby and a network? This can be resolved and you have made the first step.

mainlywingingit · 11/02/2017 21:03

Post natal depression not Nathalie!!

AuldHeathen · 11/02/2017 21:03

Can you discuss how you feel with someone IRL, a HV or GP. It could be related to depression but you'd probably benefit from talking it over. And, if necessary, there are lots of different medications and other ways to help depression and side effects from different tablets vary.

Original poster
moonlitdew · 11/02/2017 21:04

I don't think I have anyone I could talk to. GP will just give me pills and HV isn't very approachable.

OP posts:
icy121 · 11/02/2017 21:04

I was diagnosed with depression but I hated the medication I was given so much and it actually made me feel worse. It's hard to explain but there's never been anything sincere in what I do with the baby, it's like we areboth hanging round waiting for DH to get back.

OP have you done anything else for the PND?

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