AIBU to feel as if DH takes over care of our baby?

[moonlitdew]

This may well be the most ridiculous AIBU ever, but I'm going to ask anyway.

I was very ill during pregnancy, and DH was brilliant, very supportive and kind and caring. (He's always been very good whenever I'm unwell which isn't much.) He kept telling me to rest and on the back of this I went on maternity leave quite early, just before Christmas, when I was six and a half months pregnant. As it turned out the baby came a bit early, just by a fortnight, so by then I'd had 2 months at home and I was a bit low.

After giving birth I felt dazed and shocked, like nothing was real, and I didn't connect at all with our baby. DH did everything, well almost everything. I sort of supervised during the day when DH went back to work but I felt disconnected to everything and everybody. DH meanwhile doted on the baby.

I feel like now things are still like this, like DH is the main carer and I'm in the shadows somehow? I started off coherent but now I don't know what point I'm making, but can anyone understand?

Is there things you enjoy doing yourself or enjoyed doing as a child that you could do with dd? We listened to music and I danced around for her or showed her books and sang nursery rhymes,things that she wouldn't otherwise get from dh,so I was giving something new and different.

That was just our thing

You do need to tell your husband and that he needs to support some changes together , And this is the best thing for the family unit, your baby and you.

He really shouldn't have said "what is mummy doing to you comment" and you
Need to be quite firm about how it made you feel and why.

I don't remember anything from being a child really! I try to read sometimes but I feel silly. And the baby doesn't seem interested either. Sometimes tries to give me a toy but if I take it and say something cries But doesn't when DH does it!

Yanbu. i think a lot of feeling confident with babies is 'miles under the belt'. So if you haven't felt that you've had total control for lots of hours it's totally understandable you feel the way you do. Tell DH and speak to your GP again. I guess my only advice is just keep talking.

You sound like have post natal depression. The best thing for you and your DD and your DH is to go to a GP or health worker and try to get further help.

Your DD needs a mum as healthy as possible.

Don't let mumsnet anti-men agenda demonise or turn you against your DH. That's literally the worst thing you need right now. Ignore all the coming he's an abuser posts.

How was your relationship pre baby and pregnancy?

Was your DH dismissive of your thoughts and feelings the

You went on early maternity leave just before Christmas and you are back at work already. How old is baby and does DH work?

The = then

I would just keep trying different things and you will probably come into your own when they are more interactive! Some people are better when their children ate a little bit older and have a bit more of a personality.

Baby is 1 so the OP went on maternity leave Xmas 2015.

I went on maternity leave Christmas 2015 went back to work September 2016. Part time. DH works, full time.

Our relationship was really good I would have said, really love each other. Now its different, we still do, but I don't know, we fall out a lot too.

You need to see someone re bonding with your baby as it sounds as if you do not yet have a secure attachment. GP ought to be able to refer you. There are activities you can do with your DC that will immeasurably enhance your relationship you will be prompted during the sessions and receive positive feedback. As your baby's attachment to you is enhanced you will find yourself responding and obtaining pleasure from your interaction. Don't worry that your relationship with your DC is different from that with your DH as that is normal we all respond differently to different people. I'm sure your DC loves you and wants to be with you though your relationship is low key because of your depression and feelings of insecurity re your ability as a mother.
Good luck

Please don't worry about falling out with your dh,we were the same and only just coming out the other side now,dd is 4! But I know it was just the upheaval of having our lives turned upside down. Don't lose sight of the fact you are a very good mum else you wouldn't be worrying about this

It's stressful having a young child and working too can be exhausting.
I really would go to GP. You may need pills. They may recommend CBT. It's worth trying surely?

The problem is we couldn't afford counselling, and I think you only get a certain no of sessions here. We have quite a big mortgage, childcare is expensive and I work part time now anyway.

I had CBT over the phone for free. It's not a talk about your problems kind of counselling but looks at how you behave and think. It gave me strategies to deal with depression. I was also on pills but after the CBT I came off them and don't need them anymore.
Really worth visiting GP. It really is.

It got better when the baby got older and could communicate more. I certainly did fee fraudulent. If you have a children's centre they may have a PND group. I understand you are back at work so groups are tricky. Some have a support phone line. I do feel for you, you certainly aren't alone in feeling like this. You won't feel like this forever.

Skin to skin contact!

This may sound a bit odd at this stage (usually you think about skin to skin contact as being important right away after birth) but it still remains such an important way of bonding and relaxing and releasing all the right hormones to combat depression.

Try taking a bath together, or taking clothes off (except for the baby's nappy obviously or you'd never be able to relax ) in a cosy warm bed and just snuggling/napping.

Reading your post I thought you may have missed out on this bonding stage because of your post-natal depression. It's also recommended later on for similar reasons; I did it a few times including when my breast milk was drying up (and it worked and my milk came back) and also to cheer DD up when she started teething badly. Both times I was amazed by the effect.

You could also consider signing up for a baby massage class, or even a mum and baby sensory play session with a group of other mums and babies.

It's hard when I'm at work and I feel a bit odd doing things like taking baths with the baby , don't like it.

My GP arranged counselling for me (free) so you could try asking for talking therapy rather than pills. Don't give up.

What feels odd about bathing with the baby OP? Is it the nudity?

I'm not totally sure, maybe?

Don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like pnd. So get to the gp for counselling, yes they only give x sessions, (6 here) but can ask for more if needed. Try a few things lots of times - eg reading a bedtime story, baby massage, singing action songs - try each one 20 times over the next 6 weeks even if they feel uncomfortable initially. Tick the calendar if it helps!