Year 11s and revision wars

[ILikeBeansWithKetchup]

Aaargh!! I am so fed up of the pitched battles daily to get DS1 to revise for his GCSEs. He has his second set of mocks after half term and just has no natural desire to revise. Sometimes he lollops about upstairs pretending to work; sometimes he outright refuses. If I offer to help, either I end up being his personalised teacher/slave, or he tells me he doesn't want my help. He is now shut in his room and we are all (DH. me and DS1) in a huff. I am an English teacher, DH a maths teacher ; I am sure most kids would love that level of expertise available on tap... or maybe not. Any advice/sympathy gladly received...I know this is hardly a unique situation across the land!!

It's good money for the tutors that's for sure! Half my department moonlight... they earn more ph tutoring than they do in a classroom!

Maybe I should start charging DS for my services...

Ooh, Liking he user name Alec.

I'm sad. I always liked revision. Well, not maths. But everything else.

I don't have a 15yr old yet. But I do have two kids who will eventually be teenagers and I always think about what I'd do in this situation.

I think teens are under so much pressure to achieve academically when their brains just aren't in that headspace. Hormones raging and social interactions always seem to play a larger role so sometimes revising seems to take a backseat.

Anyway, when I was growing up, I never had a great deal of confidence and as a result didn't do particularly well in my GCSEs. I was a top set student in English and still only achieved a C in language and literature. I was far too interested in going out with friends instead. I remember half heartedly typing up an essay on Frankenstein as part of my coursework, on my friends PC whilst I was out.

The approach I'd take would be to just be quite relaxed about it all. Encourage him to take breaks and don't nag. All the nagging in the world for him to revise is just going to discourage him. If he's not engaged then no amount of revising is going to stick in.

Also, if he totally messed up his GCSEs then there are courses you can go on after school to re sit them and gain A level qualifications/equivalents.

I did rubbish at school and always wish (knowing what I know now) that I could go back and do it all again.

Also, I didn't even know what I wanted to do when I finished school. Our maths teacher always said if we didn't get a C or above then we'd stand no chance in ever getting a job. (I proved her wrong) I went on to do an apprenticeship and gained NVQ level 2 and 3 in business administration and would of gone on to do a HNC/D had I not left my career to start a family/ be full time mother.

I hope he does well. I think teenage years are awful. There's so much pressure to succeed and know where you want to go and what you want to do.

He's extremely lucky to have teachers for parents (although he probably doesn't see it that way at the moment) he will no doubt want to pull from you vast knowledge as he gets older/more interested in what path he wants to take.

Lovely post *schnozz8 : thanks :)

The bit about encouraging him to take breaks did make me chuckle though... ! lol

I felt sad reading your post as there is no coursework any more for him to -mess up - fall back on or excel in.

You do give me hope though!

Sorry schnozz completely failed with my bold (and my strikethrough!) there...

I like beans - thanks :)

The only thing that 'worked' for my son was when I suggested I sat with him while he revised. I did it for 30minutes most nights. I didn't even do anything, I'd usually just sit in his room with him while he revised. Often I'd just play FIFA on his PlayStation or fiddle with my phone or tablet while he revised. Sometimes he'd ask questions, sometimes not. Often we'd find he'd been revising for an hour before he realised.

The other long term thing we did was talk about 'what do you want to do, and wat do you need to do in order to get there?'. Fortunately he knew what he wanted to do so this helped to focus his mind - to some extent at least.

The result was that what he got what he needed to get on his preferred college course, after that he did a related apprenticeship for a year and is now working in his chosen field.

So, it all worked out fine :)

But of course, no two kids are the same. My daughter was generally self-sufficient when it came to revising and was a big fan of sticking post-it-notes stuck all over her bedroom wall.

Yes, boys and girls are - well- different!

I do the sitting with him thing too. It's strange isn't it? As I said previously eh sometimes holds me hostage. makes me cut bits of paper up for him, make him flashcards etc. I have spent hundreds of pounds on revisions guides too..

But today he was not in the mood.

He has just said ' you both think I'm clever, and I'm not as clever as you think'. So maybe it's stress...Easier to not work and fail than work hard and fail. In his head.

Ilikebeans- haha, sorry, of course, teens don't need encouraging to take breaks!

Must be so frustrating for you though, being a teacher and worrying for him.

I'll always encourage mine to do their best. Give 100% but I'd never be pushy with it and make them aware that it isn't the end of the tunnel if they don't get what they need to go to college or university.

He will have that lightbulb moment eventually. I did!

So you have the key OP and Alec hit it on the head as well - revising is a lonely business, having company is great! I think you have enough anxiety about this for both of you and add DH into the mix and you have a recipe for stress. Take a deep breath. Are these the most important exams of his life? Certainly the mocks are not that, the summer exams will be the most important exams so far but will pale into insignificance when he gets to A Levels and then to finals.
What happens if you stay away from English and perhaps offer to revise maths with him? You said yourself you didn't enjoy it and if he knows that he will really appreciate your sacrifice - also teens sometimes like to be the ones that know more than parents so that's another angle.
From what you've said he doesn't seem like he will magically self-motivate, that's why I suggested the reward scheme - it works for mine because they are both saving for something special. If you don't agree with it, don't do it but don't dismiss it for other families, each to their own...
Revision time - break a few rules - provide a few treats, extra chocolate ration? Let off a few chores? In my view it's worth it for the real thing but I'm a bit "meh" about mocks. How would you feel if he gets just what he needs for 6th form - 5 at C and above and Bs in his A Level topics? Is that enough or would you feel disappointed even though it is the gateway to the next stage?

Sorry to be so late back to the thread.

Ray of hope for you, I took a few years out after university, worked out that I wanted to do my professional qualifications and went back and got a distinction.

Luckily had experience in an area of my profession which is unusual (I did a lot of work experience during university), and so have managed to get jobs in good companies, despite a long career break to have children.

However, my degree is always a thorn in my side. Recruiters always comment upon it and if I hadn't worked in a niche area, I may well have struggled career wise.

Your son can re-take GCSE and A level qualifications easily and with little expense.

A wasted degree will cost thousands and cannot just be cast aside and a new degree undertaken.

Let him screw up now, and don't push him into university at 18 unless he has the right work ethic at that stage.

A friend of mine went back to a levels and university in her late 20's and got a first class degree, despite lower than average GCSE's she got at 16.

He really had to figure this out for himself.

Morning all. Thanks for the advice and motivational tactics. Today is another day!

We have discussed rewards and said he can have a break after these mocks, perhaps jus going to some school revision sessions (not all of them! So many!)
I will continue to offer help and my revision services. Won't be doing maths with him, though, as he is much better than me at it!
Will just have to see how it goes. Not looking forward to results day much, but I shouldn't imagine many parents are!

seesense - no intention to dismiss monetary rewards for those who want to, if it works for the child. Still don't like it on the football pitch or at a young age, though! But for GCSEs I can see it's a good ploy. We will do it for DS1, DH has decided, but not at the kind of level I have heard of!

Has he decided his future path? Does he plan on going to sixth form? What are the requirements of the subjects he wants to study? DD was totally unmotivated until we went round an "outstanding" sixth form. They require an A or A* in the subjects she wants to do, a B in both Maths and English (unless they fall as subjects they want to do) AND at least a C in ALL the other subjects taken.

She got motivated very quickly - especially since the mock results were taken into account for the conditional offer of places.

Can I offer the reward system that we did with dd and are doing with ds? There were festivals they both wanted to go to in the summer so we bought them tickets. We agreed that for every non A they got they had to pay back £10. So they got the reward anyway, but how much of their own money they had to stump up depended on results. Pick the appropriate grade level, though- it has to be within their capabilities to get the tickets for free........

We didn't do monetary rewards, but if we had it would have been on an agreed grade per subject. In at least a couple of subjects the school's targets were too high so it wouldn't have been fair to say 'meet predictions', and it definitely wouldn't have been fair to do it based on A grades.

We rewarded / praised effort throughout revision and exams with lots of little treats along the way (like going to a café for cake). We did little presents after each exam (averaging about £2 each), and also for younger sister too for being good about not disturbing etc. presents went down very well. (Lip salve, chocolate bar, fancy pens etc). It helped keep the motivation going.

Also we talked about the fact that on results day she wouldn't want to be saying 'if only ...' but to know she did her best. Also that 'I could have done better if only I had worked' just doesn't cut it. Your results are what is on the piece of paper, nothing mythical!

For those who offer rewards, what happens if you think your DC has worked really hard but they don't get the grade anyway?

That's why, in my system, you decide what's achievable and pitch the reward to that. I also think, perhaps controversially, that it's pretty rare for a child to have an achievable target, to work reasonably hard and not hit the target.

I like your rewards Bertrand (and your sue name) but your teenagers sound a bit more 'with it' than mine - there is certainly no festival in the offing. Hmmm....must think of suitable incentive. Hard when you have a lolloper. He likes the idea of money but we still have a stockpile for tow Christmases and a birthday!
Little treats after each exam sounds nice teen : that's the sort of thing I sued to do with my mum.
Roomster I do share your concern. I teach kids who work phenomenally hard and then 'fail' in their eyes. It's very sad.

Mine is not 'with it' either. And he has never ever been motivated by rewards.

Beyond - I think having to get such high grades would actually demotivate my particular child. Sixth form is a whole other , complicated story but since we are here..
All he is interested in is Spanish and French. The other A level choices are a constantly shifting moveable feast...he did once school refuse after moving schools, so I am keen to avoid the anxieties of another school move. he is not outgoing.
However, his sixth form is a) pretty shit and , more importantly b) not guaranteeing offering Spanish at all . And being really difficult about the whole thing - and he can't do Politics with French!. My school is definitely doing Spanish and he has applied there - this means I couldn't leave my own workplace, though, as there is no public transport, and I am reasonably keen on getting out if the opportunity arises! Also, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing : I know the Spanish teachers at my school aren't the strongest you could find... ironically, they are good at his current school.
He has also applied to a sixth form college which seems OK but less academic on the whole. He did quite like it when we went round and can get there on the bus. But I fear he will be anxious about change.
None of these places have high requirements of entry. My DH's private school does, but we have ruled that out for a range of reasons...
No one warned me how stressful all this was! It does make me have more empathy with parents of those I teach, though on the bright side!

Yoda - aha! A kindred spirit :)

Bertrand my typing is dreadful : meant to say I like your USER name!

Interesting to read the different approaches to revision at this stage. DS is at a private school and we had an email from his tutor about what they should be doing revision wise over half term- condensing things on to revision/ flash cards.

He also has some catch up maths to do. And still has three of the mocks exams to do.

Butterfly and ILike - we've done osteopath. And chiropractor. And kinesiology. And migraine Centre in London. And MRI. And various preventatives from GP. And various triptans. And aspirin. And taking triptans with coke. The main preventive he is on is Topamax and he is not quite on the max dose yet - two more weeks. Then we need to give it about six weeks to see if it works. Have also just started acupuncture. And we did a food sensitivity test but we are holding off implementing that as doing too much at once means we won't know what is actually working. Other option is to remove him from school completely and get some tuition at home to see if it's actually school itself that is the issue. It's all a bit of a nightmare.

That's why, in my system, you decide what's achievable and pitch the reward to that. I also think, perhaps controversially, that it's pretty rare for a child to have an achievable target, to work reasonably hard and not hit the target.

It's difficult to know exactly what is achievable though as you can only base it on their previous performance and how you think they worked that time. You also don't know exactly how they will be feeling on the day e.g. they may not be feeling that well or particularly tired/stressed etc.
I always think that doing badly in an exam would be bad enough, especially if you did try quite hard (whatever your parents opinion) and not giving a reward would just be adding salt into the wound.

Roomster I do share your concern. I teach kids who work phenomenally hard and then 'fail' in their eyes. It's very sad.

Yes, DD will be devastated if she doesn't get the grades she wants and so there is no way I would make her feel worse by not giving her a reward. I'm sure she realises that and therefore there is not much point offering her one in the first place. I find the whole idea of rewarding children quite odd as if they can't motivate themselves to work for their future, I think they are unlikely to be motivated for £10.