MIL and birthday present and DH

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

This is probably going to be quite long and rambly

MIL is difficult - I am nkt going to get into the reasons, but you can advance search. DH goes between being supportive to reverting to pavlov's dog behaviour with her.

So. Today was my birthday. Very kindly, MIL looked after the DC (we have 3 aged 4 and under) so we could have two nights away. All very grateful. Back on Sunday night.

So normally I get a present from my birthday and a text. Received nothing apart from a Moonpig card with the most unflattering photo possible. Yesterday, we went to visit MIls estranged mother and I wondered if DH had told MIL and perhaps she was pissed of with us. FYI - this is nothing to do with the present. I don't want a bloody present but put me right back on edge with restarts to what was going on

Went out with DH for dinner wit a friend kindly baby sitting. Mentioned the lack of present and t text (these are huge things for MIL and we all need to text her before about 7:00am in the morning when it's her birthday). DH then inform me that I (not we) have apparently not sent a thank you card soon enough to MIL and a present after she looked after the DCs (we got home on Sunday night) and clearly this is why I have not got a present. I look 😳 and ask DH is he honestly being serious? That if my parents randomly decided not to give DH a present after 10 years of doing so, I would think it was totally unreasonable and unkind. Can he not see this? This would never happen, btw, as my parents (a) don't expect present for looking after the DCs and (b) treat their sons in law the same as their daughters (e.g. Don't just randomly ignore their birthdays and send passive aggressive cards) DH starts defending MIL.

I just got up and walked out of the restaurant.

I am literally so sickened. This is nothing to do wit a present per se. I don't want a present. But this awful passive aggressive, hurtful behaviour facilitated and excused by DH. I really cannot handle anymore of.

Am I being unreasonable? I've kind of crossed the rubicon I feel. I'm so fed up of any nice ocassion being spoiled and DH's pathetic attempts to excuse awful behaviour instead of objectively being able to look at what is happening

That was about the long and short of it best

Anyway, I have written the card and I will post it today. It is MIL's birthday next week and DH can sort out card/present etc. However, he tries to spin it, he knows that the PILs have randomly decided not to give his wife a present after previously doing so. That is just not very nice

My own mum is caring for mine after I've been operated on. Am I grateful of course. Will I have presents etc to say thanks yes. Has she gone out of her way? Above and beyond. Do I expect my oh to spend money thanking her? Do I hell. My mum my appreciation. My time in bed! My toddler tantrumming as I type. Whoops.

"She's done you a massive favour now actually! She's reset the system."

Yes, this. This is the opportunity for you to make your life easier. Take it.

From now on, DH is completely responsible for all cards and presents to her. Any complaints and she can address them to him solely.

You've tried to be nice, put yourself out with cards and presents and this is the thanks you get. You've taken on the crap job of thanking and present giving and got a load of grief for your trouble.

Get rid of the crap job and the grief.

If MIL then doesn't get you a card or present any more then fine. That means that you don't have to tiptoe around the minefield of thanking her in the appropriate manner (and somehow always coming up short).

You get to sit back and relax.

Has MIL actually told your DH that is why or is he inferring?

My mother is very much like your MIL and even if you'd sent a card and present it's possible she'd have found fault with it somehow. I know my mother cut off one of her very few friends as they'd given her 2 birthday presents but she only liked one of them!

This really resonates with me! like costacoffee I had this problem for 30 years too. Not any longer as I refuse to engage anymore. I was responsible for the 'wifework' (I hate that term - but it is so appropriate).

Everything was always my fault. She came down on me like a ton of bricks for every tiny thing - far too many things to go into unless I could fill a whole thread. She is extremely PA. One of the things she loved to do was point out other women to my H when we were out and remark how young or beautiful or slim they were. FGS my H is 60 and she was pointing out 17 year olds UGH. I had the H problem as he would always brush it under the table. Well she is elderly now and I won't have anything to do with her. He has to do all her docs/hospital appointments etc. She lives very nearby and there is always something. I wish I had done this years ago - it's so simple - I could go back through the years and shake myself - I used to get so anxious and didn't realise that I was actually being quite badly bullied and manipulated.

It is often said on MN that No is a whole sentence - it's true.

H. 'Can you take MIL to her doctor's appt?'

LD. 'No'

Simples - just rinse and repeat.

OP don't have years of this - you must establish your line and not cross it. I wish I had

She's reset the system. Yes! That's what has happened. Never let her babysit again. If dh says anything, remind him about the fuss she's made this time.

Re: the babysitting. I'm going to say it was very kind but a bit much. Happy to go back to the way things were before. Where we seen them etc but I don't want to rely on them for any favours.

DH will do presents etc too. I will send the thank you card but that is the last time.

I'm not 100% sure what DH definitely knows re: the present. He tends to hide the worst of the rants from me. But I suspect gen fact he brought it up means something must have been said.

What annoys me is that if my parents did this, I could say to DH that I would find out what had happened and would also say it was a bit shit if they randomly decided not to say anything. DH seems to have an automatic mode of defending MIL at all costs

To be honest Hun I think this woman will try to pick fault with anything you do or don't do. I dont think you'll ever be able to win. Next time if she offers to have the kids say " no thanks , it's cheaper if my parents have them , I don't have to buy them a present as they enjoy having them" what a nasty ass mil you have xx

Your DH enables her behaviour. Therein lies the issue.

Totally agree with those suggesting that you pass the responsibility for this on to dh. I spent over 20 years dealing with a similar MIL - I sometimes felt that I was been dragged into a vortex of card giving - 'thank you for your gift', 'thank you for the card thanking me for your gift', 'thank you for your card, thanking me for the card, thanking you for my gift'...and forever Even now we're divorced and MIL sends gifts for DC straight to exh rather than our family home (and DC are certainly old enough to write their own thank you cards/emails at exh's prompting) I still get reminders that the dreaded thank you cards need to be sent.

I know DH enables it. He has got better over the years but there is this immediate response when confronted with the behaviour to minimise it or tie himself in knots trying to justify it or transfer the blame to the person complaining (ie me)

Anyway, lesson learned. I won't be sending a present and will make sure I keep things polite but distant.

The thing that strikes me about this thread is how bloody tedious it must be dealing with the MiL. I would, as others have suggested, disengage with her totally. Only see her if absolutely necessary and do none of the 'oiling of wheels' IYSWIM but always be bright, breezy and polite so you can never be accused of being rude. Leave cards, presents and anything else to DH and if you're ever asked about why you're not doing this now explain that it's just a fairer distribution of labour; he does his family and you do yours.

Then, OP, sit back relax and enjoy the peace. I wouldn't embroil yourself in your ILs' lives at all and ensure that DH now knows what his job is and why. I'd also be looking at your DH with fresh eyes too. If he is happy to enable his mother's shitty behaviour of you then it's time he was called on that - though maybe some time where he alone is dealing with her might make him understand where his priorities should lie.

It's bloody wearing. But I will be taking a step back. I felt crap about mentioning it as I'm annoyed with myself but had s chat with a fairly blunt friend who pointed out that it's a pretty massive snub to suddenly stop buying your DIL a birthday present. So if it's mentioned again, then I will say that was the reason I mentioned it as I'm a bit at a loss as to what exactly merited that snub.