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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and birthday present and DH

88 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 10/02/2017 23:32

This is probably going to be quite long and rambly

MIL is difficult - I am nkt going to get into the reasons, but you can advance search. DH goes between being supportive to reverting to pavlov's dog behaviour with her.

So. Today was my birthday. Very kindly, MIL looked after the DC (we have 3 aged 4 and under) so we could have two nights away. All very grateful. Back on Sunday night.

So normally I get a present from my birthday and a text. Received nothing apart from a Moonpig card with the most unflattering photo possible. Yesterday, we went to visit MIls estranged mother and I wondered if DH had told MIL and perhaps she was pissed of with us. FYI - this is nothing to do with the present. I don't want a bloody present but put me right back on edge with restarts to what was going on

Went out with DH for dinner wit a friend kindly baby sitting. Mentioned the lack of present and t text (these are huge things for MIL and we all need to text her before about 7:00am in the morning when it's her birthday). DH then inform me that I (not we) have apparently not sent a thank you card soon enough to MIL and a present after she looked after the DCs (we got home on Sunday night) and clearly this is why I have not got a present. I look 😳 and ask DH is he honestly being serious? That if my parents randomly decided not to give DH a present after 10 years of doing so, I would think it was totally unreasonable and unkind. Can he not see this? This would never happen, btw, as my parents (a) don't expect present for looking after the DCs and (b) treat their sons in law the same as their daughters (e.g. Don't just randomly ignore their birthdays and send passive aggressive cards) DH starts defending MIL.

I just got up and walked out of the restaurant.

I am literally so sickened. This is nothing to do wit a present per se. I don't want a present. But this awful passive aggressive, hurtful behaviour facilitated and excused by DH. I really cannot handle anymore of.

Am I being unreasonable? I've kind of crossed the rubicon I feel. I'm so fed up of any nice ocassion being spoiled and DH's pathetic attempts to excuse awful behaviour instead of objectively being able to look at what is happening

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/02/2017 10:01

No, don't send her the present. She will now see that as her having "told you" and a win for her. Send the thank you card by all means, but not the present.

And go back to full disengagement. Cards only from now on and sod the text messages - let your DH do that if he wants to.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 11/02/2017 10:08

You sound very spoilt and entitled. She sent you a card, had three children under four for two nights so you could go away and you expect a present on top?

I can see why she's cross, just because she's related doesn't mean it's a free pass to childcare and she's expected to do it. Having fourty eight hours or more of free childcare deserved a huge thank you.

Sadly you're not alone, lots of others feel grandparents should provide free childcare on demand.

morningconstitutional2017 · 11/02/2017 10:08

There are some over-sensitive people on this earth (not all MILs) who, if you're not oily, effusive and all over them like a rash like an over-enthusiastic puppy, think that you're not being nice enough to them.

Nothing pleases them and it's difficult to make them happy. My MIL is a bit like this so myself and SIL have more or less given up. We are civil and polite and try to be helpful to her in her twilight years but we are reconciled to the fact that neither of us will ever really be good enough for her darling boys.

Bestthingever · 11/02/2017 10:09

Yes I did read everything the Op wrote but I really don't think the way to sort problems out in your marriage is storming off.
There are two separate issues, the mil and the dh. The mil feels she wasn't thanked properly. Some gps don't want or need proper thanking but it is the right thing to do. Sending a crap card is childish and she sounds high maintenance, but not toxic or malicious. The second is the dh. I'm not sure I fully understand how he sees the mil's behaviour on this occasion. If he's acting like she should have sorted the gift, yes he's a knob and she needs to teach him it's his job to buy things for his family. This is how it is for me and my dh but when they look after my dcs so we can go away, I get the gift because I appreciate that they've done it.

sonjadog · 11/02/2017 10:10

I think you are absolutely justified in being angry and I can understand how frustrating your DH's response must be. But as the poster further up said, see this rather as an opportunity given by your MiL to rearrange the relationship to a more distant and uninvolved one that will suit you better.

acatcalledjohn · 11/02/2017 10:19

You sound very spoilt and entitled. She sent you a card, had three children under four for two nights so you could go away and you expect a present on top?

OP has stated multiple times she didn't expect a present.

I can see why she's cross, just because she's related doesn't mean it's a free pass to childcare and she's expected to do it. Having fourty eight hours or more of free childcare deserved a huge thank you.

She was adamant to have the children for part of it, so not a case of using GPs as a free pass to childcare.

Sadly you're not alone, lots of others feel grandparents should provide free childcare on demand.

Again, she offered.

Comprehensive reading really doesn't come naturally to some people MIL.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 11/02/2017 10:25

We have a present for her. We could not present it in person as my parents did the second leg of the looking after so MIL was not there when we got back. Hence the need to post it.

We thanked her profusely by text at the time.

It was a lot and I did not want her to do it but DH insisted as MIL wanted to spend time with the grandchildren etc. That does not negate the need to thank her but is it really reasonable to passive aggressively make a point about not receiving your present by not sending your DIL a birthday present? It's not the way I behave or anyone in my family would

I walked out if the restaurant as when DH is in gas lighting mode on behalf of MIL I will not engage with that. I have told DH that before. I didn't storm off. I just said that I wasn't going to discuss this unless and until DH was willing to be rational

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 11/02/2017 10:45

If it wasn't about the birthday present, you'd be upset you'd had offended her by not thanking her properly but given present is mentioned by you several times it clearly is.

Maybe you are just so used to free childcare on tap it's expected rather than appreciated. You could have taken a gift when you dropped the children off to show from the start you appreciated it.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/02/2017 10:50

used to free childcare

Or you could read the OP's posts, its quicker than fabricating a backstory Hmm

Chloe84 · 11/02/2017 10:51

Rainbows do you ever actually read the posts or do you make things up in your head? Bugger off and good day to you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/02/2017 10:51

YWNBU.

And bloody woman's work! I'm sick of it. I always have to do the organising, the thanking, sending out gifts and cards - DH does bugger all when it comes to stuff like that. At Christmas all my DH had to do was send gifts to his family, and on Boxing Day when we went to see the in laws he had to tell them he didn't have anything for them. Utterly mortifying.

His aunty and uncle now message me when we need to arrange things - they never "bother" him.

They're your DH's parents - he should have thanked them and sorted it out if it was so important. But why the hell do they need a formal thank you gift and card anyway? Bloody weird.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 11/02/2017 10:51

Sorry but what?!

MIL has looked after the children 3 times in 4 years. Once when the baby was critically ill with sepsis in hospital, once when my granny died ((and she made us leave the funeral 3.5 hours away early as she suddenly had a previous unmentioned commitment so a friend stepped in as an emergency) and this time.

Are you honestly saying that begging someone to look after your children so you can stay with your critically ill baby is "childcare on tap"? You sicken me

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 11/02/2017 10:53

I've got the thank you card etc. I will send the card. I don't want to send the gift in case it looks like I have sent it to get a birthday present. As far as I'm concerned, we're in card exchanging terms now DH can send presents etc if he wants to.

I still don't understand why the card has to be from you, OP?

By all means MIL should get a card, but it should be bought, written and posted by DH. You're doing 'wifework'.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/02/2017 10:54

Lol @ "used to free childcare". Oh please. You don't babysit your grandchildren for gifts and cards. You do it because you love them. Deary me.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/02/2017 10:54

And because you love your son and daughter in law. Or at least that's the theory !!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/02/2017 10:56

I agree about the "wifework". I'm in a wifework situation myself at the moment. It's driving me round the twist.

I apparently upset my DH's grandma because we didn't thank her for her Christmas card. But all the upset was aimed at me because I'm a woman and I should know better. Men are apparently useless, blah blah blah. Yeesh.

Heirhelp · 11/02/2017 11:02

You say your parents have helped you significantly more but your MIL has had three children under 4 for 2 nights. That is loads of help.

SnugglyBedSocks · 11/02/2017 11:05

My mum and inlaws look after the children without the need for presents or huge expressions of thanks.

OP YANBU.

Do not buy any further gifts or cards for your inlaws, that is their son's job. Also leave it to him to facilitate a relationship between them and the children.

Cocolepew · 11/02/2017 11:10

Yanbu.
Don't send the present, if DH wants her to have a card make him write and send it.
I know people always say you have a DH not a mil problem, but believe me you can still have a mil problem even with a supportive DH.

Bestthingever · 11/02/2017 11:10

Gifts aside, she sounds high maintenance. The comment about having to text her before 7am on her birthday reminds me of my mil. Don't ask her to babysit again. I do believe a thank you gift is courteous but I suspect she rather resented doing you the favour. Perhaps she never got to spend a couple of nights with her dh when the dcs were little? When my boys were little my pils used to make me feel it was such a massive favour to have them, we just stopped asking and paid a babysitter, even though they lived very close by. When we moved back here (from dh's home country), they would be sour faced when dh would ask them to babysit so we could go out for dinner when they visited for three weeks at a time. Then my bil had dcs and suddenly, they were looking after them for a week at a time while bil and sil had trips to Paris, Venice etc. My dh started asking them to do similar for us. I've still never felt comfortable about it due to years of not being able to ask them.

acatcalledjohn · 11/02/2017 11:10

RainbowsandUnicorn is either a GF, or your MIL.

Cocolepew · 11/02/2017 11:12

But her mil insisted on helping with the children , she wasn't asked Heirhelp

Bestthingever · 11/02/2017 11:17

Did her mil insist when she found out the other gm was staying with the dcs and couldn't stand the thought she was getting the dcs to herself?

Questioningeverything · 11/02/2017 11:24

Fucks sake RTFT. One night mil had them.

AdoraBell · 11/02/2017 11:24

Just show DH where the card is and leave him to it. And YY to putting the gift away for any future short term need, like a friend's birthday.

She sounds like my MIL toxic and your DH needs to grow up and realise that she is his mother, therefore he should be writing cards, buying presents and texting before 7am on her birthday.