MIL and birthday present and DH

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

This is probably going to be quite long and rambly

MIL is difficult - I am nkt going to get into the reasons, but you can advance search. DH goes between being supportive to reverting to pavlov's dog behaviour with her.

So. Today was my birthday. Very kindly, MIL looked after the DC (we have 3 aged 4 and under) so we could have two nights away. All very grateful. Back on Sunday night.

So normally I get a present from my birthday and a text. Received nothing apart from a Moonpig card with the most unflattering photo possible. Yesterday, we went to visit MIls estranged mother and I wondered if DH had told MIL and perhaps she was pissed of with us. FYI - this is nothing to do with the present. I don't want a bloody present but put me right back on edge with restarts to what was going on

Went out with DH for dinner wit a friend kindly baby sitting. Mentioned the lack of present and t text (these are huge things for MIL and we all need to text her before about 7:00am in the morning when it's her birthday). DH then inform me that I (not we) have apparently not sent a thank you card soon enough to MIL and a present after she looked after the DCs (we got home on Sunday night) and clearly this is why I have not got a present. I look 😳 and ask DH is he honestly being serious? That if my parents randomly decided not to give DH a present after 10 years of doing so, I would think it was totally unreasonable and unkind. Can he not see this? This would never happen, btw, as my parents (a) don't expect present for looking after the DCs and (b) treat their sons in law the same as their daughters (e.g. Don't just randomly ignore their birthdays and send passive aggressive cards) DH starts defending MIL.

I just got up and walked out of the restaurant.

I am literally so sickened. This is nothing to do wit a present per se. I don't want a present. But this awful passive aggressive, hurtful behaviour facilitated and excused by DH. I really cannot handle anymore of.

Am I being unreasonable? I've kind of crossed the rubicon I feel. I'm so fed up of any nice ocassion being spoiled and DH's pathetic attempts to excuse awful behaviour instead of objectively being able to look at what is happening

My parents are incredibly supportive and (we are very lucky) have helped us significantly ore than MIL. Oddly enough, DH has never felt the need to immediately send them a present and they have never passive aggressively Drcudef not timsend him a present. Nor has DH fit his knickers in a knot about sending them one

My parents actually provided half the childcare that weekend (sorry, my op wasn't clear). MIL provided the other half. She has had a history of awful behaviour but offered to do it. DH says she wanted to help etc - this feels like the usual pattern of drawing you in close enough to slap
you in the face (excused by DH).

We thanked both sets of iarevts prufudeky at the time. There are two thAnk you cards and presents currently sitting on the dining room table. I've not had a chance to go to the post office yet. Neither has DH obviously. Presumably he is equally responsible for sorting this out (although I bought the cards and gifts)? However I'm the person to be passively aggressively punished?

I walked out of the restaurant as we (or I) have had years of this crap. I've actually got to the stage now that my immediate physical reaction is just to get as far away from it as possible.

If I did MIL a favour and then posted that I hadn't had a tHank you card and gift three days after the event so I was thinking of not sending her a birthday present, people would be telling me I wasn't unreasonable? I think posters would be telling me not to be such a passive aggressive twat.

I would have bought a small gift for anyone who had had my kids for two nights

However it's his mum, his job to organise.

Yes the gift doesn't have to be immediate and yes withholding your gift is passive aggressive.

It would make me withdraw from her. My mil constantly misbehaved and in the end I had to treat her like a random parent in the playground - polite conversation but giving nothing of myself emotionally. Creating that space between us really made things manageable

Don't be passive aggressive back. Don't stoop to her level. Just permanently withdraw emotionally while being polite.

My DH also wouldn't stand up to his mil. He was conditioned into thinking her behaviour was usual and there was nothing he could do about it. After one particularly bad event (which upset him too) i insisted he challenge his mother and he was shaking doing it.

They struggle because my husband is passive and has always jumped into line. They don't understand he has kiddie commitments. That we have a family life.

It would make me withdraw from her as well.

No way would I be sending that present and card now. 'D'H can get her something if he wants. No more pre-7am bday texts - how bloody controlling is that!

I would totally have walked out the restaurant too, rather than row about it.

Why does DH think it's your job to sort thank you gifts for his family?

Let your DH do all her texts and gifts from now on.

MIL isn't the problem, your DH is.

If looking after her gc is such a big deal that she needs thank you letters and presents I would get a baby sitter next time. It has got to be cheaper than the cost of a ruined meal + the present you bought + the time buying the present, wrapping the present and writing the card + all the emotional abuse when said present and card aren't sent off on time

Simply pay the sitter as they leave. It has to be worth it.

DH problem

I've had similar but for 30+ years, I no longer engage with her at all, he does, that's up to him

Nightmare.
Your DH is being lame about this. (Understatement)
What did he do after you let the restaurant?

I think your post comes across as quite entitled. 3 children under 4 is a handful, she did you a massive favour and you knew deep down she would expect thanks. If you don't get on with her, don't rely on her for childcare, it's that simple. As it is you ruined your own birthday.

luckylavender OP's parents did half the childcare that weekend.

And why is it OP's job to thank her HUSBAND's parents?

He should thank his parents.

lucky - I didn't want MIL to do any of the childcare due to previous form. I had got to a place with her where I was polite and civil etc. But I didn't want to have to ask for any favours at all.

DH basically insisted that MIL really really wanted to do this and she should have a "turn" etc. The agreement was that she and FIL (who is as much use as a chocolate teapot) would do half of the caring and my parents would so the other half all at our house as it was a lot to ask but DH was adamant that his parents wanted to do this.

In future, I will obviously see MIL but I will not be asking for any favours etc again. I'd rather not go away.

I've got the thank you card etc. I will send the card. I don't want to send the gift in case it looks like I have sent it to get a birthday present. As far as I'm concerned, we're in card exchanging terms now DH can send presents etc if he wants to.

DH and I hardly argue but at least twice a year there is a terrible blow up because of MIL's awful behaviour that he ties himself in knots trying to rationalise.

It wouldn't occur to me to give a card and gift when a family member has looked after my children!!!

In any case, it's your DH who should be sorting out the gift.

Yanbu

OP, your post at 7.38 shows you know exactly what to do about MIL.

but it doesn't say how you are going to handle your DH. That is the real problem, isn't it?
How are things now, since you walked out of the restaurant?

Ridiculous behaviour from her. I would disengage and not rely on her for anything in future.

Your DH enabling her is also an outrage. How did thanking his mother become your job? Draw the line now -he does gift giving for his family, you do it for yours. If his family give you a gift and he is not reciprocating on your behalf (as you will be doing for him) tell them you cannot accept. Tell him this is how it will be from now, just to avoid similar "confusion".

Agree with PP - you have a DH problem. What are you going to do about that?

DH is being very nice to me but has says we will need to agree to disagree. I have said MIL's behaviour is weird and he can send a present.

In all seriousness, what I have found is that if I point out bad behaviour, DH denies it to my face initially but then later down the line accepts it. Although he has got a lot better at standing up to her but does have these lapses where he seems to let go of rational thought and go into pavlov's dog mode

The irony is I don't want a bloody present or to even go away. We have 3 DCs - our choice - and I don't like to ask for favours or help ever. So we very rarely do unless one of the DCs has a medical emergency and only twice ever from
MIL (hospital visit and funeral). And I specifically don't want either when it's being used as a way of manipulating me

I'm annoyed with myself to be honest as I wish I hadn't said anything. I find it annoys MIL when I smile sweetly and ignore any attempts to provoke me.

She sounds toxic and hard bloody work.

If withholding birthday gifts from you is her last desperate attempt at control it is pretty pathetic!

I would disengage from her and this relationship, don't give it the headspace. She is a petty woman.

I also think if you had ignored the lack of gift then her pathetic attempt at getting to you would have failed.

Unfortunately because you have made a big deal about this she is probably rubbing her hands together in glee.

Next time just ignore, it will take the wind right out of her sails!

I know. I'm really annoyed with myself. Arggh. I'm usually very good at disengaging.

I mentioned it to DH as we had gone to see MIL's elderly parents the day before who she has fallen out with but one of whom is at death's door. And I didn't know if DH had mentioned that to her which had provoked this. But apparently he hadn't told her we had gone.

I wish I hadn't said anything as I've had a good two years of grinning like the Cheshire Cat at everything and refusing to be provoked

Hmmm..wondering if I should be the bigger person and send the present,to be honest

When my ILs and dps look after the dcs I always walk in the door with gifts for them. My dcs are much older. I think it's a lot for an older person to look after 3 dcs under 4. You're lucky she was willing. You're both responsible for thanking her but did it honestly not occur to you to bring her something? She's being passive aggressive with the present and the rubbish card which I hate. However walking out of the restaurant is bang out of order.

She's done you a massive favour now actually!

She's reset the system.

I wouldn't send her that fucking present, not even if my life depended on it.

I'd send the card only, in fact I'd make dh stamp it and post it actually.

Then that's it. No more presents, no texts, nothing. If I had the opportunity to get it into a conversation, I'd say that I had actually bought a present, but that dh had said something about not buying presents anymore so you put it in your spare present store, for another occasion.

Fuck her, and a kick up the arse to that dh of yours.

However walking out of the restaurant is bang out of order.

Did you read any of the OP's posts?

Her DH doesn't do anything of the sort for his PIL or his own parents, yet expects his wife to do this for her PIL and defends his DM's PA behaviour. It's been going on for years, and I don't know about you but the last time I checked tethers still weren't endless.

But no, the OP avoiding the argument in a public place is bang out of order.

Wow.