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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry with my husband over a financial issue?

99 replies

MotherKat · 10/02/2017 12:54

Background, I work full time, my husband is nominally freelance (he writes occasional paid articles but mostly blogs) I pay all the bills, his parents give him money to offset the car and his hobbies.
He was made unemployed just before we got married (literally the week before which is why I didn't know what I was getting into) which is why our finances are not fully joined, we have 2 children and I have another from a previous marriage.
I told him when travelling back from working away last night that I could not afford takeaway for when I got home, he had eaten with the children after they got home from the childminder but had also ordered himself takeaway, so I went to bed without supper (I got in at 11 and had to be up for work at 5:30) he has today tagged me in a post about a very expensive item for our shared hobby, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed by his fiscal irresponsibility and obliviousness?

OP posts:

DaphneDeLaFontaine · 10/02/2017 18:45

What a sap.

Him, not you.

HighDataUsage · 10/02/2017 18:47

Well to save money the following might be useful:

Household budget and stick to it
Look at all outgoings, switch to better utility deals etc and ditch unnecessary expenditures like hobbies
get rid of the childminder & ring fence her salary into a separate account for emergencies don't tell dh
switch to aldi/lidl
he needs a job even if its p/t to fit in with blogging and he needs to stop accepting pocket money from his family

jobs.mumsnet.com/jobs/

It's a shame that it's gone on for this long, you really need to take back control of your financial life. Your dh has got his parents and you bankrolling him while he sits at home all day choosing expensive items to spend your money on.

www.moneysavingexpert.com

Fannydoesit · 10/02/2017 18:52

Note to self - don't complain about OH on MN if you don't want to completely hate him the next day. Some of these responses are cruel. OP asked if she should be angry with him over his lack of consideration - not for a bunch of strangers to tell her that her dh is a loser!

OP - the answer is yanbu
And what HighDataUsage said

sandgrown · 10/02/2017 19:03

If he is home alone all day could he not have made sure there are basic provisions in the house (bread?) At least then you could have made a sandwich.

yorkshapudding · 10/02/2017 19:07

Good in bed? Really? Does that actually matter to people??

Why shouldn't it matter to people?

The point is that there are men out there who are good in bed and are also not lazy, financially irresponsible and selfish.

littleflamingo · 10/02/2017 21:03

I am really really sorry but what kind of woman are you?
You work hard and make money to support a grow up man?

Where is your self respect and self esteem? Any woman deserves something better.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 10/02/2017 21:18

OP - you sound like you have realised your DH has no understanding of the reality of your family's situation.

You have no money, you think he 'gets' this that you are holding the whole family together, you are paying for all the bills, including childcare you don't need so he can persue his hobbies while you hope you are just paying for childcare to 'hold the place' until he gets a full time job and take the pressure off - and you've hit the stage where you have no money for a takeaway, but he's still not taking on board there is no money and asking you to pay for expensive hobby things.

He doesn't have any sense of urgency about your financial situation. He doesn't seem to get that while for him, the money 'just sorts itself out' (because you or his parents deal with it), you have to find it from somewhere and be a 'grown up'.

He's not facing up to the reality of how bad things are. Only you are doing that.

Time for a serious chat about just how bad your 'family' finances are. You can't just sort it for him, he has to get a job and then start at least acknowledging how bad things are. If he's getting money from his parents to help you both than you have left over after you've paid all the bills, then he should be handing over some of that towards his bills.

mygorgeousmilo · 10/02/2017 22:02

Wow. Doesn't work, has money but you don't. You pay all the bills yet have no money for take away, yet he does have the money to buy himself one. He's at home, but kids go to childminder, again YOU have no money. His parents support him in his laziness. Is there any explanation of in what way this is ok? My husband manages to be good in bed AND not leech off of me and his parents... the two are not mutually exclusive!

IonaNE · 10/02/2017 22:26

OP, what sort of a household with 2 adults (one unemployed and at home all the time) and 2 children does not have bread or fruit in? Or anything you can eat without massive cooking?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 23:12

My DH is a SAHD to our three boys (incidentally we have twins too).

I just asked if he would order a takeaway when I was at work and not text me to ask if I wanted something and he just gave me this look

How fucking inconsiderate is he that he pleases himself to the tune of not caring for his own kids, taking pocket money off his parents, and has no consideration for his wife coming home from work?!

I'm struggling to see what he actually brings to your family and how you can bear to be in the same house as such a cock lodger.

Please tell me he at least does everything domestic and keeps the house completely clean and tidy? So that you do nothing?

VirgilsStaff · 10/02/2017 23:57

Felicia I suspect we know the answer to that. Sadly.

EmeraldScorn · 11/02/2017 01:14

Your husband's parents pay for his car and hobbies? I've heard it all now.

You're working and paying the bills and he's getting free treats regularly from mummy and daddy, surely he should give the hobbie up and use the money to contribute towards household bills.

ExplodedCloud · 11/02/2017 01:31

Basically you plus costs for dc & childcare = x
You plus costs for dc & childcare plus him = x - y
Sahp should make it (you and sahp) = a

Any sahp contributes childcare as their component of the family money. As childcare reduces the sahp picks up a different share of the burden.
He's taking the piss. I earned more than our cm cost when I went back after ml.

ExplodedCloud · 11/02/2017 01:34

Oh that makes no sense. As a unit you should be earning and caring in the best combination. He not only adds nothing, he actively makes it worse.

Parker231 · 11/02/2017 01:41

Why are his parents giving him pocket money? He needs to get a job - any job and grow up and join the adult world.

wafflyversatile · 11/02/2017 02:01

Do you have joint finances? Have you ever sat down and done a budget where you agree what contribution each makes and what money each if you has spare after household obligations are met? Regardless if whether his money comes from blogs or his parents you should have a budget that doesn't see one of you eating and the other not.

That said it sounds like a comms issue between you both. I'd imagine a phone or text conversation that involves you saying when you'd be home and you discussing dinner plans eg him saying he's getting a rake away and you asking him to get you one too. Did he know you would be hungry, would not be getting something when out, did not have money for a take away, would not want to cook the food that was there? Did you know he was getting a take away?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2017 02:05

How can he afford a takeaway and you can't? How is that possible?

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/02/2017 03:21

Well presumably Mrs because the OP had paid all the bills etc so had nothing left and he was spending his pocket money from his parents.

I fail to see how any man who does nothing and still take pocket money from his parents (WTF?!) can be "good in bed". i wouldnt find sex with a manchild in the least bit attractive.

echt · 11/02/2017 04:55

His dick must be made of pure gold coated in Swiss chocolate

You beat me to it, Virgil :o

OP, is his cock a horcrux?

41 year-old man getting, sorry taking pocket money. Fuck me.

echt · 11/02/2017 04:56

Sodding auto - correct, Should read getting, sorry taking.

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2017 10:36

I think the situation re: the food is an issue. It shows he doesn't consider the OP at all.

If either DF or I were ordering while the other were out, we would order enough so there was plenty left for the other when they got in. Whoever organises a meal, in whatever way, provides for the other too. Regardless of whether it had been discussed or asked for or specified etc.

We have rarely had that situation though as we either wait if it won't be too long or have something small and then eat dinner together whatever time we get in.

Basically, what I mean is its not 'I'm alright jack' in our house.

EnormousTiger · 13/02/2017 11:38

Why do you pay for childcare when he's home though not earning much by freelancing? That seems a bit unusual unless there is more than enough money

HighDataUsage · 13/02/2017 14:46

The op hasn't returned to the thread, I hope she manages to resolve the issue in her favour.

AyeAmarok · 13/02/2017 14:52

How do you get into a situation where your elderly parents are still giving you pocket money for your hobby

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