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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be angry with my husband over a financial issue?

99 replies

MotherKat · 10/02/2017 12:54

Background, I work full time, my husband is nominally freelance (he writes occasional paid articles but mostly blogs) I pay all the bills, his parents give him money to offset the car and his hobbies.
He was made unemployed just before we got married (literally the week before which is why I didn't know what I was getting into) which is why our finances are not fully joined, we have 2 children and I have another from a previous marriage.
I told him when travelling back from working away last night that I could not afford takeaway for when I got home, he had eaten with the children after they got home from the childminder but had also ordered himself takeaway, so I went to bed without supper (I got in at 11 and had to be up for work at 5:30) he has today tagged me in a post about a very expensive item for our shared hobby, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed by his fiscal irresponsibility and obliviousness?

OP posts:

christmaswreaths · 10/02/2017 15:06

OP is not back yet, but hopefully my answer will just add to her food for thought. He is not only lazy but lacks basic respect. I can't imagine a friend, let alone a partner/DH not preparing or sharing food with me and letting me go to bed hungry. That really made me shudder.

I also think you need to stand up for yourself and demand he works. You are paying for a childminder whilst he diddles about on the internet? I have a cousin who is a paid blogger and author (publishes decent fiction books), she has six children she looks after full time. She does it all in the evenings - her husband works full time and is abroad a lot.

Your DH really needs a huge kick up the backside.

Original poster

MotherKat · 10/02/2017 17:51

I wasn't expecting quite this response.
There was no fruit or bread in, I could have cooked something but I was tired so I just went to bed.
We have been married 3 years, the twins are a year old.
He is fascinating, very intelligent, warm, supportive, funny & yes, very good in bed.
He is now looking for full time work, but that is due to other issues.
He is 41.
He ordered before I got home, if I had been home he would have gotten me something.
As I have been reassured that I am not being unreasonable I will raise the issue with him when I get home.
Apologies for those who felt I didn't respond fast enough, I posted my question on my lunch break and then went back to work, I am on my way home now.

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 10/02/2017 17:57

Right so what exactly was your complaint about not having any supper about? How was that his fault? You say he would have ordered for you and that you just didn't want to make anything for yourself when you got home.

seasidesally · 10/02/2017 17:59

and you decided to have children with him,no sympathy here

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 10/02/2017 18:04

Why would you have children with a lazy partner not willing to support them?

I expect a partner to be an equal and share things, not do bugger all.

WipsGlitter · 10/02/2017 18:05

Good in bed? Really? Does that actually matter to people??

Anyway, could you not have asked him to wait or save you some?

Ditch the childminder (I know that's hard because if you're hoping he will get work soon then you want to keep the childcare house of cards erect). Review all income, including the pocket money, and then assess why you have so little pocket money yourself

Original poster

MotherKat · 10/02/2017 18:07

One with the force.
I'm not sure how to explain this differently, he ordered himself takeaway and because I was not home yet he did not think to order me anything, when he told me he had ordered food I told him I could not afford to order anything, today he has sent me a link to an expensive item, despite me having told him I could not afford takeout, let alone expensive item.

Seasidesally,
Does being cruel to strangers on the Internet make you feel better about yourself? My children are amazing little miracles and if their father was Gengis Khan I'd still be happy to have them.

OP posts:

Thattimeofyearagain · 10/02/2017 18:09

Why are his parents paying for his hobby when he is a married 41yr old man with dc?? That's ridiculous

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2017 18:09

I cannot believe that he faffed on the computer, at some stage collected and fed the children and fed himself. And then let the only breadwinner in the house go hungry. Too bloody right you should raise the issue - take him to task while you're at it!!

OneWithTheForce · 10/02/2017 18:10

Sorry, still not understanding your issue with the food. You said he would have ordered food for you had you been there. You weren't there, did you want him to order for you anyway? Did he know when you would be home? 11.30pm is late to be eating dinner, is that when he was ordering?

Chinnygirl · 10/02/2017 18:12

There should be food for the working half coming home. At the very least beans ontoast

seasidesally · 10/02/2017 18:12

im not slating your children just your judgement on having kids with somebody that cant be bothered to do his bit for the family eg he is not working but children go to childminder

he has pocket money from his parents,ha ha ha youve a peach their op

Original poster

MotherKat · 10/02/2017 18:13

One with the force,
Ah, I understand now, the issue is that I had told him I had no money and he sent me link to expensive item.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 10/02/2017 18:14

Do you think he should not be spending money at all?

You have separate bank accounts?

Does he contribute to no bills, mortgage etc?

happypoobum · 10/02/2017 18:14

OP you haven't explained why along term unemployed parent required childminders to look after their children? Unless there's a massive drip feed coming about a serious disability?

He just sounds like a spoilt waste of space to me. No doubt you will buy him his latest toy if he stamps his feet hard enough though?

NerrSnerr · 10/02/2017 18:19

This thread is confusing. Why are the 1 years olds at childminders anyway if he's at home? From how you describe he sounds awful, doesn't contribute, doesn't give a shit if you have enough cash, doesn't give a shit if you've had any tea. That doesn't sound supportive to me.

christmaswreaths · 10/02/2017 18:19

Most comments on here are based on the facts you have given us.

Most people would not tolerate living with someone who doesn't work, doesn't look after the children, doesn't cook. If he does support you in other ways, it wasn't obvious in your description. Nobody is trying to have a go as we don't know him in RL.

OneWithTheForce · 10/02/2017 18:19

Ooooh right!! I get it now!! The food wasn't the issue. You were just showing how he knew you had no money! Got it.

Ok. Serious conversation needed. He needs to stop the arrangement with his parents. It's infantilising him. He needs to adult up. He is a parent and a married man. If he can't afford his hobbies he doesn't do them. I don't do horse riding because no-one will buy my kidney I can't afford to. Even my children understand the concept of me not being able to afford all the things they want to do. So that pocket money needs to stop now.

And he needs to decide whether he is a SAHP or a working parent so you can make a decision about the childminder. If he isn't working then give her notice. You can't afford a childminder if he isn't earning.

seasidesally · 10/02/2017 18:20

He is fascinating, very intelligent, warm, supportive, funny & yes, very good in bed.

and 3 yrs unemployed,with his credentials im surprised hes unemployed for so long

VirgilsStaff · 10/02/2017 18:29

So he ordered take away food for himself, but "didn't think" you might want to eat?

His dick must be made of pure gold coated in Swiss chocolate for you to stay with him, if that is his usual MO.

You sound lively, OP The outrage here is not about you, but directed at him.

He's a bastard.

VirgilsStaff · 10/02/2017 18:30

lovely I mean

harshbuttrue1980 · 10/02/2017 18:37

A lot of people on here think that the man should automatically be the provider. I disagree with that, and don't see why that should always be the case. However, if he's a SAHD, then he should be sorting the meals out for you when you come home, and looking after the kids without needing a childminder. In my book, stay at home parents of either gender do the cooking, cleaning and childcare. If they do that, then they should also be entitled to share the family finances.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/02/2017 18:40

Stunned at the pocket money from his mum and dad thing.

I would sit down with him and say enough is enough. He has 3 choices:

Become a SAHP
Look for a job that pays a salary or by the hour (not casual work)
He takes on enough freelance work to cover half the bills

If he can't take on enough freelance work to cover his share, then that is an indication that it's not working and he needs to do one of the first two options.

Longdistance · 10/02/2017 18:42

I can't believe your working your fingers to the bone, whilst he's sat on his arse, when HE could be minding the dc than paying for it.

I'd be giving him an ultimatum to get his finger out his lazy arse, and get a proper job, or he can do one.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2017 18:43

OP, I still don't understand why your children are cared for buy a paid childminder, when money is tight and one of their parents is unemployed and therefore has the time to care for his own children.

What does he contribute to the household? Financially, practically, emotionally?

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