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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so angry over £200

51 replies

Maisy84 · 09/02/2017 23:47

I asked my partner to transfer money that he owes our joint account on Sunday eve, he promised to do it first thing in morning from office, I asked him Monday night if he had as we are really low in there - he apologised and said he would do it the next day. I asked him Tuesday lunchtime and he said I'll do it when I get back to the office. Just asked him if he'd done it now and he said no. No apology. He doesn't have finance issues but our joint account (used to pay our bills, food and children's clothes) really does. I'm so sick and tired of repeatedly asking him to do stuff, this isn't the first time, to be let down again and again. I don't have the fucking energy for it. It's ridiculous but the situation is just making me think do I actually want to live with this total lack of reliability and respect for the rest of my life? Not really.

OP posts:

ChuckSnowballs · 09/02/2017 23:48

Well, make it so then.

EmeraldScorn · 10/02/2017 00:02

Does he have access to the joint account? If so, cut his access off and start only buying food for you/the children - He'll soon pay up when he's hungry.

You shouldn't have to chase your husband for money, it's degrading and disrespectful. Why are you putting up with it?

Letting someone walk all over you isn't a great example of strength, he's basically withholding money from his family and there's very little in life that is lower than that.

It sounds like he enjoys/gets satisfaction from you "begging" money from he but you're enabling him by continually allowing him to get away with it.

Greyponcho · 10/02/2017 00:06

He's being lazy.
So far, there's no consequence to him not having done this task.
With hold food or other privileges until he pulls his finger out of his arse and gets it done.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2017 00:14

Why does he have to do it from the office? Why can't he transfer it whilst he's at home?

Megatherium · 10/02/2017 00:15

Get him to set up a regular standing order.

Benedikte2 · 10/02/2017 00:21

This situation gives him a feeling of power and is totally unacceptable. Why should you have to worry about something like this from a disrespectful P?
Tell him it beyond a joke and he needs to set up a regular transfer with the bank.
Good luck

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/02/2017 00:21

I'm not sure why he has a 'his' account and a joint account unless you both do and both earn independently and then pool some. Sounds like you don't. I've read so many threads like this on here. Why is it that so many men seem to see their money as 'theirs' even after they contributed to the creation of new small humans that carry their genetic matter? And why don't they see these as their responsibility and want to contribute to their upkeep? Instead many seem to think that their families should become minimalist nudist breatharians (often while they continue to finance their own hobbies).

Aside from this, the solution here seems to be to organise realistic and regular scheduled payments that go in from 'his' account to the joint account each payday. A better solution would be to combine his account and the joint account into one.

Unless the real problem is that he is a miserly and tacitly abusive control freak.

HarrietSchulenberg · 10/02/2017 00:22

If it's a joint account then he is jointly liable for any charges that the account incurs if/when it goes overdrawn. Perhaps a reminder of that would speed him up.

LilacSpatula · 10/02/2017 00:31

If he's being lazy (and not spiteful) can't you ask him for the internet banking details so you can do it yourself next time? Tell him how it makes you feel though as he might have no idea.

avamiah · 10/02/2017 00:40

Maybe he doesn't have the money?
Something is s miss here and not just the money.

IwasAM · 10/02/2017 01:11

OP what's the 'structure' of your finances overall? Do you both work/have income going into own accounts and then both pay into joint account?

Or are you a SAHM and he has 'his' account and then transfers funds into a joint one for family expenditure?

I'd find latter unpalatable TBH given the immense imbalance of power it creates, but even the first - given you're having to chase him to pay into it - is a bit eeww too.

Bit more detail about the above would help others offer you genuine advice; also to make sense of why he can seemingly only transfer when 'in the office' - this seems v odd to me and would have my spidey senses going tbh. I'd be wondering what he was trying to hide by not simply being transparent.

Do you have financial independence yourself or are you wholly reliant upon him and when/if he pays into joint account?

angeldelightedme · 10/02/2017 01:54

This is the purpose of standing orders!

Original poster

Maisy84 · 10/02/2017 09:05

Hi, we both have independent accounts, him as a full time higher earner and me as part time in a much more mediocre salary. He pays the mortgage which is slightly more than childcare a month (I pay childcare) mortgage is about £200 more, and he pays about £250 more into the joint than I do which covers food and bills and things for children. He earns more than double what I do by an extra 10k. It's being forced into this position as a nag and a chase that I hate, makes me feel weak and angry and powerless. I realise I'm in a vulnerable position financially as I paid full deposit on our property from an inheritance and this isn't legally drawn up.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 10/02/2017 09:07

Time to have a straight conversation then

Why does he only pay in slightly more than you, when he earns more than double?

SquinkiesRule · 10/02/2017 09:11

He earns more than double he should pay in more than double.
You need to re think your finances here. Also look through your old bank statements and find where the inheritance goes into your account and then back out to pay the down payment on the house.
This is financial abuse, you shouldn't have to beg and keep asking for money, he should be responsible enough to make sure the money is there, ahead of time and not need constant reminders.

SalmonFajitas · 10/02/2017 09:12

Sounds like he has loads of spending money when you're struggling to pay for basics for yourself and the kids. How is this a fair arrangement? Why doesn't he have a standing order for the money going into the account? I assume he guest work and gets important tasks done on time so why can't he do the same with this? Is he just lazy? Or controlling about money?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 10/02/2017 09:15

Oh dear. your update is very worrying. Can you see a solicitor about the house? He should be paying a much larger amount towards the bills. He is keeping you in a weaker position than him. Be could have a standing order set up. He chooses to have you beg for the money instead.

picklemepopcorn · 10/02/2017 09:19

All the money should go into one account. A DD should come out to each of you with an agreed amount of spending money. Maybe one can go to a third JOINT account with an agreed amount of savings.

If he isn't keen on proper sharing, Ask him to pay half the amount of the deposit from your inheritance back to you out of his money.

He's badly misunderstood how it works!

MagicMoments22 · 10/02/2017 09:21

I had this with a bfriend. Owed me £300 for vet bills which I paid on my card as I took dog to vet. Turned out he was £3000 in debt and simply didn't have the overdraft to access any more. I nagged for a long time and knew something was up

DJBaggySmalls · 10/02/2017 09:22

YANBU. You need to have a conversation about this.

honeylulu · 10/02/2017 09:24

This is even more worrying as you aren't married, especially as he's getting the benefit of the house having "swallowed" your inheritance.
I agree he seems to think his salary is just his and he is doing you and the children a favour by giving you contributions.
There's nothing wrong worth having separate accounts as long as the balance is fair. So he and you should each be paying a proportionate amount for mortgage, childcare, bills and other expenses. At the moment he's actually profiting from the arrangement.
Have you worked out if you'd actually be better off if you separated? I'm bit saying LTB but it might be worth bringing up the illustration to show how unfair it is.

meganorks · 10/02/2017 09:33

If he is forgetful all the time then he needs to set it up automatically like others have said. But you need to be sure there isn't some other issue going on like a debt you don't know about. A couple of people I know have had pay day loans get out of hand and not wanted to fess up to partners until they have got really out of hand. Just an example not suggesting this is what is going on!
For what it's worth me and my DH have a joint account and our own separate. But I'm not earning so DH pays a certain amount in and has some in his personal account. One of the main reasons simply being that he dosent know his pin for the joint account! But then he uses his account if he buys shopping or we go out for food. I have no issue with it whatsoever but some seemingly find this unacceptable.

Original poster

Maisy84 · 10/02/2017 09:34

In a small update he has text to say he's paid in £400 to joint and set up a direct debit, I kicked off massively last night. He is better off than me at the end of the month for sure, I think he would be happy to do one big joint or even let me manage finances, he's not really controlling I don't think but we've both let him benefit from more disposable income and the ability to pay into a big pension pot, he did get himself into credit card debts paying for our property to be done up. There is definitely a lack of respect and imbalance that he doesn't see and that needs to be addressed. I did feel like walking out last night and I wouldn't have if the situation wasn't so unbalanced and he was just bring generally crap. This whole 'I'll do it later thing' and then failing to do so is a massive sore point in our relationship, he doesn't like taking immediate action and then just forgets. He seems to manage to get his shit together for the workplace though. If I'm suffering the consequences of his mistakes and not him they just aren't that big a deal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maisy84 · 10/02/2017 09:34

Sorry long stream of consciousness post!

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 10/02/2017 09:36

The way that pickle describes it is fairest, including the joint savings, as it ensures that all joint costs are covered, including annual and irregular expenses.

Only once these costs are covered can you afford to hand out non essential spending money to adults, which should be shared equally. Saves worry about the mortgage DD bouncing or having to pay fees if it does, or not having any savings if the washing machine or car breaks.

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