To be so angry over £200

[Maisy84]

I asked my partner to transfer money that he owes our joint account on Sunday eve, he promised to do it first thing in morning from office, I asked him Monday night if he had as we are really low in there - he apologised and said he would do it the next day. I asked him Tuesday lunchtime and he said I'll do it when I get back to the office. Just asked him if he'd done it now and he said no. No apology. He doesn't have finance issues but our joint account (used to pay our bills, food and children's clothes) really does. I'm so sick and tired of repeatedly asking him to do stuff, this isn't the first time, to be let down again and again. I don't have the fucking energy for it. It's ridiculous but the situation is just making me think do I actually want to live with this total lack of reliability and respect for the rest of my life? Not really.

Remind him that the mortgage direct debit doesn't wait for 'I'll do it later' and they tend to punish you with bank charges and a trashed credit rating, which can be an enormously expensive waste of money.

As you are not married the fact that you have a paper trial (presumably) that your inheritance paid for the deposit that should be some protection in law, though it would have made it easier to have it written into the mortgage agreement. Him paying all the mortgage makes it a bit problematic so I would look at you making an equal contribution and him paying the larger share of childcare (so that you're both still paying the same). I would see a solicitor for a clarification of your legal position in case of separation and the best way to secure your financial future. Sometimes the first half hour is free. I'm not saying LTB but just secure your future if he is being such a twat over the finances and it all gets too much.

By turning you into a nag he is manipulating you into feeling guilty and powerless. Maybe he thinks his higher earning power gives him superiority over you? Unfortunately there are many men who can't shake this crap about men being the head of the household and therefore osnsigning you to an inferior position.

Insist on reorganising your finances and getting standing orders set up to put money into the joint bills account monthly. DH and I do this and it works well.

At least he's recognising there is a problem. Sit down with him and work it all out. Discuss different ways of sorting it and decide together. He's just been a bit dim, I think, as your situations have changed.

We never had any spare money when we got married so it wasn't an issue. It all went into one pot.

Here it is "you do the transfer now or you give me your credentials and I will do it myself". He usually chooses the second option...

From the moment we moved in together, everything went into our joint account and we both had the same amount transferred out to our own individual accounts which is our individual spending money and we stick to it.

OP not having ago at you, but the amount of times you see posts about people earning different amounts, who should pay what and the difficulties it causes, I'm glad we do what we do as we've never had a disagreement. The way we see if is that we're in the relationship together and building on that then each of us should be treated equally in all regards no matter whose put what in. I suppose we're lucky as we're both like minded as regards money.

Why don't you just have one account? Problem solved :) He's behaving like a bit of a dick and you were not BU to bollock him about it.

He earns more than double he should pay in more than double.

As Squinklees says - contributions should be proportional, not equal (or rather, they should be equal in the sense that you both contribute an equal proportion of your earnings) - and there should be a standing order/direct debit/whatever-they're-called for any transfers - it is not right that you have to beg for money! In fact it's shameful!

Re: you paying the house deposit - there must be a record of this somewhere, if only in your old bank or building society statements so maybe you could demand that as a lump sum from any assets in the event you decide to split from him. It would be worth checking on your rights regarding this.

And even if you can't - do you really want to spend the next umpteen years scrimping and saving while he swans about like lord bountiful, and you and you (joint) children are expected to be grateful for any crumbs he throws you?

Just having one account would only solve the problem BlueEyes if both parties were not going to spend money needed for essentials on their own discretionary spending.

If the OPs DP, or indeed the OP herself, are likely to spend from the account without considering that money needs to be left there to buy food for the rest of the month, or pay the mortgage next week, it can be a recipe for disaster.

I much prefer it if the account that pays the bills is pretty much left alone and then I only have to look once a month to check that there is enough money there to pay upcoming bills.

We do pretty much all spending, including petrol and food, on cashback credit cards, apart from a bit of cash each for times when cards aren't accepted, and the cards are paid off in full every month and just treat like another bill.

i just wouldn't have this. hardly "a team".

we have one joint account and a savings account.
we are both adults we don't go spending money that isn't there.

if dh (or I) was a spender then maybe i would have a joint account where salaries get paid in and then two separate accounts for discretionary spending. the situation you have just isn't on.

Why don't you just have one joint account then and you can take responsibility for managing the finances? Then you would both have access to the joint pot of money and there would be no imbalance in your disposable income?

I know many people have separate accounts but, purely from my own opinion, I find it very strange that people are happy to share houses/children but not pool their income. I know separate accounts works for a lot of people but sounds like it isn't working for you.

It sounds as though he is generalised unorganised and forgetful rather than being financially abusive/disrespectful. Once you explained how upset it was making you he sorted it out and set up a DD.

Why is childcare solely YOUR expense and why the hell does he get so much more spare money when he earns so much more?

In most situations money would go into single accounts and then you would each transfer a %age of your wages into the joint account from which all bills come leaving you both with a similar amount in your own personal account for personal spends.

Your problem isn't the money. Your problem is that your DH isn't listening to you and understanding how important this issue is, or how exhausting it is for you to have to keep chivvying him about it. If this is also happening in other areas of the relationship (and my guess is that it must be for you to be so angry about it), then that amounts to a kind of deprioritization of your requests and your views that starts to appear as a kind of disrespect.

You have to remember that his ability to earn large sums of money is predicated on you doing a lot of other work on his behalf. If housework and childcare are not shared equally, then you are doing "invisible labour" that is very much part of his wage. And you deserve to be remunerated for that labour.

But Helena that won't leave you with equal disposable income?

If they both put 50% of their income into the joint account and, say, he earns £50k and she earns £25, she's only left with £12.5k disposable and he has £25k.

If you want to keep separate accounts for disposable. Why don't you both put income into one joint account, and pay all bills from that account, then transfer the same amount into separate accounts for each of you e.g. £200 a month or whatever.

I still think a joint account makes better sense - you can still have separate savings accounts if you want - but for day to day stuff it seems such a headache to be "owing" each other money in a committed relationship.

If you're not married but you've limited your career to be there for the kids, everything has to be joint and you have to pay an equal amount into your pension. Otherwise you'll be fucked if you split. If married it's less of an issue as can be sorted with pension sharing etc.

you both contribute an equal proportion of your earnings

I don't actually agree with this - if one partner earns £150k and contributes 2/3rds of their salary and the other fans £10k and contributes 2/3rds of theirs you'll have one person with thousands a month to spend on themselves and the other with only a few hundred. I think usually it's more fair to have equal spending money.

You aren't married?

You need to get something drawn up re the deposit for the house you paid - you know this. Please do it.

Is house in both your names? What would happen with the property if you split up or something unexpectedly happened to him?
Women who earn less and are unmarried are often in vulnerable position re property etc - please make sure you are in best position possible.

@shovetheholly you've hit the nail on the head. You've actually given me quite a lot of clarity on why I do feel so exhausted and angry. Thanks everyone for your input, I'm going to open up an excel sheet and sit down tonight and try and get it sorted. I have plateud in my career due to going part time and have also followed my partner abroad to progress his career which meant I had to take an extended maternity leave. I feel a bit of a fool for leaving myself so exposed but I will get it sorted.

Am glad you are making some changes. HOWEVER, see a solicitor and protect that inheritance that has gone into the house. Should things ever turn nasty you'll be grateful you did.

I realise I'm in a vulnerable position financially as I paid full deposit on our property from an inheritance and this isn't legally drawn up.

Please get this sorted....................Good luck!

Maisy - I am sure you will get on top of this! And please don't beat yourself up. I think it is very hard to see your own situation clearly when you are in it. I was stuck for years in a relationship with a guy who moaned every time I asked him to do anything and also needed reminding 1000 times about every little thing, so I know first hand how exhausting unhelpful and negative behaviour can be. It took me YEARS to recognise how much damage it was doing me, though. I got out in the end, however, and am now far happier.

Part of the trick played on women is to make their labour invisible, and that - quite naturally - makes it hard to see! Society wants us only to see simplistically: a man who goes to work for x hours a day, earning £y an hour, which is then "his". But really, that man is often doing that job on the back of all kinds of work that is done at home. His clothes are washed, his food is bought and cooked, his children are born and cared for. He wouldn't be able to do his job if all of this additional, invisible labour wasn't performed. He wouldn't be kept emotionally and physically happy without it either. Both he and his employer are therefore reliant on a whole world of other labour which falls outside of the formula of x hours a day for £y a year - and isn't paid! If you are doing disproportionate amounts of this socially reproductive labour, you therefore have a very valid claim to your work being recognised and rewarded as part of his wage.

Yeah, joint account, joint savings is the only way to go. We do have personal accounts where we transfer a little bit of "fun money" each month, mostly because otherwise we feel guilty for using the join money for personal stuff. My DH earns more than I do but insists I get a bit more fun money than he does because "women's stuff is so expensive", bless him.

His money should be your money and vice versa, OP. You're a family, that's how it works. Good luck getting it all sorted.

Helena she pays the childcare because her partner pays the mortgage, which is more. Why isn't that fair?

In a split, how would that look? Why not have one account to pay all the bills?

They do..

I believe you ought to have an agreed amount each for discretionary spending -- aside from necessaries such as basic clothing, toiletries etc (women's expenses in these areas are greater than men's). This permits you to have true independence.