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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect people to celebrate my marriage, not my wedding?

74 replies

SomewhereInbetween1 · 09/02/2017 10:36

I know I'm likely to be flamed for this because I'm either being entirely unreasonable, too traditional or just straight up tight.
My DP and I have just booked our wedding venue and are planning to forgo a lot of modern wedding traditions to keep costs down (no save the dates, no wedding cars, not a 3 course dinner, small centrepieces etc) as we'd rather save money for our marriage. I cannot justify spending thousands of pounds on a reception that we would have to really cut back to save for, when really, the only part important to us, and I had hoped our guests, was the ceremony. For the record, there will be food, but it'll be a hog roast or similar and some sides.

That is not to say that I don't completely understand couples who do spend a lot of money. Weddings and committing to one another is exciting and beautiful and I can see why you would want to go all out to make it as memorable as possible. If you're only going to do it once, why not go all out? This post isn't about attacking those people AT ALL.

I've had a few comments from people implying we're being stingy and such for not offering our planned small amount of guests a large 3 course affair, money behind the bar and extensive entertainment. For the record we have also specified that we want no one to feel obligated to get us a gift, it would feel unreasonable to me to save all this money ourselves but still expect our guests to splash out on gifts.

So in summary, is it unreasonable of me to want people to feel excited about us getting married and what that means, rather than for a lavish reception?

OP posts:

QueenMortificado · 09/02/2017 10:37

Anyone who makes comments about an event that you've kindly invited them to can slot off frankly

Don't like it, don't come

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 09/02/2017 10:41

Just nod and smile. Anyone expressing such an opinion clearly has no manners, poor things.

I've been to lots of fancy weddings but never a hog roast so the novelty factor would excite me as a guest.

SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun · 09/02/2017 10:41

That does seem very rude of them - small weddings are brilliant and as you say it should be all about the marriage - are any of them travelling far? Not that it should matter but I could understand it slightly more if they had to pay for travel and hotels and the 'party' was quite short. A hog roast is plenty though..... ignore them

shineon · 09/02/2017 10:44

Of course not. I eloped, best thing I ever did. Take no notice. Do exactly what you want to

Katy07 · 09/02/2017 10:44

For me the important bit is the actual ceremony. I wouldn't care if everyone was sent home after that (and a few pictures for posterity). Anyone whinging about what you're offering obviously don't care about you and only about what's in it for them.

witsender · 09/02/2017 10:45

How do people even know about what will be served and on the tables on the day? Just invite them and they can say yes or no

Telfordmaybe · 09/02/2017 10:45

A hog roast sounds fantastic.

We had a tiny little wedding when me and xH got married, and thought we'd have a massive 10 year wedding anniversary instead. This would be a way of celebrating the marriage and not the wedding.

Unfortunately we never made it to 10 years. But at least we didn't make people come celebrate a wedding that was only gonna last 9 years! Ha.

WishUponAStar88 · 09/02/2017 10:47

They're being ridiculous. Fwiw we had a sit down dinner in the day, hog roast in the evening. Nobody ever mentioned the main meal but still get comments about how amazing the hog roast was 4 years on!

Icallbullshit3 · 09/02/2017 10:48

We had our reception at home on a different day to the wedding. Everyone came and the house was bursting at the seams. It was awesome. No one moaned at the lack of seating etc. We all just got on with having a good time and obviously we did provide food and drink. The people who matter won't care

natwebb79 · 09/02/2017 10:48

This is why we buggered off to the registry office with two mates as witnesses. You can start your marriage in any way you see fit. And hog roasts are lovely!

paap1975 · 09/02/2017 10:50

Exactly what we're planning on doing. Go for it!

SingingInTheRainstorm · 09/02/2017 10:52

I think you're well within your rights to say it's going to be a hog roast and buffet. That's reasonable enough.

As for decorations you can make centre pieces for £1/2 a table. A heart shaped weight and helium filled balloons. You want it to have the feel of a special day. I agree no 3 course meal, cars, drink when they get to the venue. You could even forgo flowers unless there's a reason you need them.

Are you going to have a disco & cake? I would make the cake to feed how many guests you have so there's no waste.

TheNaze73 · 09/02/2017 10:52

I think it sounds great. And if anyone is struggling with a view, that falls outside of their incredibly blinkered view, then did them!

Your day, your rules. And hog roasts are great

pinkish · 09/02/2017 10:55

I'd accept your invite with pleasure - hate formal weddings!

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2017 10:58

How do people even know about what will be served and on the tables on the day?

I had the same thought.

I've been to lots of weddings like yours. It isn't controversial or unusual at all.

elelfrance · 09/02/2017 10:58

oooh i'd love to go to your wedding sounds great fun :-D

GabsAlot · 09/02/2017 10:59

i went to a small registry office then evening do with hog roast and buffet nothing wrong with it-im not there for a free dinner

also this year went to an all out big wedding which was also nice-nothing to do with me how people spend their money

sewingjassy · 09/02/2017 10:59

You're far from being unreasonable

namechange20050 · 09/02/2017 11:00

How weird and how rude! Nothing wrong with a hog roast. I think so many people feel hugely pressured into having a wedding with all the bells and whistles that they just can't compute when someone does differently. However I think you are missing the point slightly of a wedding reception. It's to celebrate the ceremony that has just occurred, therefore by its very nature it's about your marriage.

Have a lovely day OP.

Baffledonthisone · 09/02/2017 11:01

I went to a cheap wedding about ten years ago and thought it was awful.

Now I've grown up a bit I can see it was one of the most beautiful and genuine weddings I have had the privilege of attending.

It's about their stuff, not yours. Have your day as you truly want it and you won't regret it.

Bluebellevergreen · 09/02/2017 11:01

We did a tiny even with a hog roast and said to people dont bring pressies just maybe a drink IF you really want to bring something.

We had an amazing day full of friends and people complimented us on our guests list 😂 Theysaid how wonderful to come to a wedding with no a%#

gamerwidow · 09/02/2017 11:01

When we got married we went to a registry office then had a sit down dinner at a local restaurant. Whole thing cost less than £1500 and none of my friends complained. However it was a short event I think I'd be put out if I had to spend a whole day evening with hardly anything to eat at a wedding (never expect drinks paid for). If you're having a late afternoon wedding then a hog roast will be plenty of food. If it's earlier in the day I'd think about having an evening buffet too.

Iggi999 · 09/02/2017 11:01

I hate hog roasts as I don't like watching a whole animal roasting in front of me. Maybe your friends are vegetarians? Or is it more likely just a few vocal relatives who don't like the sound of it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2017 11:02

I have to agree that anyone who thinks your wedding will be a stingy affair can fuck off - cross them off the list and invite someone with more manners!

Your wedding is your business, you're the only ones who are going to end up paying for it after all. If people don't like it, they don't need to come.

I can't be doing with the attitude that they expect to be fully stuffed with food and drink for free because they deigned to turn up - they should either want to be there for you to see you get married with a good grace and a happy heart; or not bother their arses.

Pinkheart5915 · 09/02/2017 11:03

People are bloody rude!

Me and dh could of easily afforded the huge white wedding and all the jazz but we didn't want a party we just wanted to be married so we went off to America with my parents & in laws to visit my grandparents and go married in San Francisco with just our parents and our baby ds-It was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing!

We've been to a few friends weddings in the last few years and a lot of them have done a small intimate wedding rather than a huge affair. Most recent was a country hose for the legal bit then on to a barn and it was a hog roast/buffet/cake , cider the groom had made and a singer. The barn was decorated wonderfully I believe the bride and groom done that themselves.

Honestly it's your wedding, nobody is making them attend if they can't cope without a 3 course meal.
A wedding isn't about that one day it's about the two of you promising to spend the rest of your lives togther

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