To expect people to celebrate my marriage, not my wedding?

[SomewhereInbetween1]

I know I'm likely to be flamed for this because I'm either being entirely unreasonable, too traditional or just straight up tight.
My DP and I have just booked our wedding venue and are planning to forgo a lot of modern wedding traditions to keep costs down (no save the dates, no wedding cars, not a 3 course dinner, small centrepieces etc) as we'd rather save money for our marriage. I cannot justify spending thousands of pounds on a reception that we would have to really cut back to save for, when really, the only part important to us, and I had hoped our guests, was the ceremony. For the record, there will be food, but it'll be a hog roast or similar and some sides.

That is not to say that I don't completely understand couples who do spend a lot of money. Weddings and committing to one another is exciting and beautiful and I can see why you would want to go all out to make it as memorable as possible. If you're only going to do it once, why not go all out? This post isn't about attacking those people AT ALL.

I've had a few comments from people implying we're being stingy and such for not offering our planned small amount of guests a large 3 course affair, money behind the bar and extensive entertainment. For the record we have also specified that we want no one to feel obligated to get us a gift, it would feel unreasonable to me to save all this money ourselves but still expect our guests to splash out on gifts.

So in summary, is it unreasonable of me to want people to feel excited about us getting married and what that means, rather than for a lavish reception?

[Iggi999]

I don't get your title though, how can they really celebrate your marriage? You haven't started it yet! If you don't want them to celebrate the wedding then get married privately and they can sit at home and celebrate your marriage each day.

[jojo2916]

IT sounds lovely I hate formal weddings, and of course it's far more important to concentrate on your marriage than the day itself, if my gets thought it wasn't good enough I wouldn't want them there anyway so that would be that problem solved, hope you have a lovely day

[Bellaposy]

We were similar to you - the more we started planning the wedding, the more I found all the traditions pointless money pits. We have a big, close family so tiny wedding wasn't possible. We went to a registry office, then coach back to reception where we had a BBQ. No seating plans, no bridesmaids, no favours, no centrepieces, cakes were from Costco and the amount of people who still tell me three years on that it was the best wedding they've been to!

That being said, my best friend just had a very traditional wedding with all the trimmings and it was stunning. Her day was perfect for her, ours was perfect for us.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

YANBU at all. We had a morning wedding (a couple of people moaned about the 10.30am start) followed by a lunch buffet at friend's (admittedly fairly large) house. Another friend arranged the food - we just paid for the food itself rather than a load of waiting/ catering staff. All done by 5ish. Whilst there may have been some raised eyebrows, I think the whole day came in at about £1000-1500. One of my mum's posh friends raved to various other friends about what a lovely day it was and how it was ridiculous that people pay 10s of thousands for weddings and have ££££ dresses when I'd paid £120 for mine from BHS! I prefer a less formal day, and whilst people are entitled to spend whatever ridiculous amount they want on their wedding, I hate the thought that it's somehow expected now.

[irregularegular]

YANBU. People making those comments are rude and ignorant to be honest.

A few years ago I went to a registry wedding office wedding. There were about 15-20 friends there maybe? We went back to their house for a simple meal. Some flowers from the garden on the tables. No "entertainment", no fuss. Lovely. And I felt very privileged to be part of it.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Your wedding sounds wonderful .

I'd much rather go to something like that than a big formal do TBH.

YANBU to think that some people do lose sight of the reason behind the celebration. The marriage is supposed to be the important part anyway isn't it? That said, I'm sure you'll all have a great day and no-one will feel as though there is anything missing.

This seems to be time to be bring out the age old mantra "those that matter don't care and those that care don't matter."

Enjoy your day!

[Fackorf]

Hog roasts are brilliant, not at all stingy!

Anyone who doesn't like the sound of it, doesn't have to attend. Have a lovely time without them.

[BaggyCheeks]

This is why we're having a small wedding with just close family (so 19 including us, and that's if very elderly relative feels up to going), then over to the nearest pub for a meal and back to MILs for drinks/cake. The whole thing (including outfits and rings) is going to come in at under £1000, which is perfect for us because the thought of spending more money that can go towards our house deposit on one day was madness.

It's your wedding day, do what you want with it.

[Comedyusername]

It's your money, your wedding. Don't tell people what you're doing, other than it'll be small and beautiful (or however you want to phrase it).

We had a BBQ, rather than full on sit down, as quite often I find them disappointing. We provided soft drinks before the ceremony, then champagne and soft drinks after, wine with the meal, and then had a cash bar. I think most people are mindful of the costs involved these days, so YANBU

[GwenStaceyRocks]

There is nothing more joyless imo than someone detailing at length how they are saving money and cutting costs, and I wonder if this is the problem rather than the cutting of costs iyswim.
I have been to some fab weddings that sound similar to your's OP but the bride and groom didn't feel the need to have big explanations or discussions. ime it's the talking about the savings that dampens the celebration not the fact that there isn't a centrepiece on the table.
Also, if you really don't want your guests to feel obligated to buy you a present then decide on a local charity and ask for donations to it instead. Leaving it vague means guests will feel obligated. Directing their generosity in a specific direction makes it easier for people to opt out of the present buying.

[kel1234]

I agree take no notice. It's your wedding day, it should be what you want, never mind what anyone else thinks.
We were only engaged 3 months and had a baby on the way, so we sacrificed a bit for our wedding. I always dreamed of the church, fancy reception, 3 course meal, nice honeymoon somewhere hot.
There was no way we could afford that, so we chose a registry office instead (and had a ceremony as close to a church as we could, which was lovely. I'm not religious really so I would of been a hypocrite getting married in church). We had the reception in the function room of the pub where my husband worked, and we had a hot and cold buffet. We did put money behind the bar and provide decent champagne for the speeches though. Also we needed had a gift list as I don't agree with them anyway.
Our wedding was only small, mostly due to family issues, and some people form back home refused to travel 2 and a half hours on the train to come (my own best friend didn't even bother to show up, and she was meant to be my bridesmaid and witness). But the people who did come are the ones who made the day special.
We did have a nice car and cake and flowers. And my dress was the most expensive part of the day, but I had the money for it and paid for it myself.
Good luck

[SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter]

Some people are just rude and forget there manners!

I think some people also forget that a wedding isn't about the venue, 3 course meal etc that all means nothing! A wedding is about two people committing to spend the rest of there lives together.

I've been to many wedding as you describe and have a good time.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Yanbu. I've been to weddings where the reception is a house party, (ours plus one other), and weddings where the hosts have spent £50k on photo booths and matching napkins. I had no more or less fun at either of them, cried at both ceremonies.

[seafoodeatit]

Ignore any stupid negative comments, your wedding sounds perfect! They should be happy and exited you're getting married, whether it's in a fancy castle with 10 courses or simply a registry office and drinks is irrelevant.

As far as I'm concerned save the dates are biggest waste of money, we didn't do them when we got married, that's what wedding invites are for!

[Floggingmolly]

Who has commented? Maybe you're being a little bit defensive of your plans, or are coming across as a little worthy (?) because it's unusual to share every little detail of your arrangements as you seem to have been doing.
Why are you? It just invites comment. Nobody needs to know.

[exexpat]

Small, low-key weddings are great and anyone who complains has the wrong idea about what is important in life.

But can I just make one small plea about hog roasts - can you make sure that the actual roasting is going on somewhere that people can get away from without missing the important bits of the wedding (speeches etc)?

As a vegetarian (and I am sure the same would apply to some non-vegetarians, religious groups etc) the sight and smell of a hog roast makes me feel physically sick. I would hate to have to decline an invitation or disappear from the wedding of a close friend or relative because of this, but I really could not spend long in the same space as a roasting pig.

[TheProblemOfSusan]

Hog roasts are excellent for a wedding. I actually am not super keen on the sit down thing and we had a buffet by choice, though it was of course sensible on the budget, too. Everyone can pick and choose what they like and go back for seconds, perfect. Maybe just have more veggie than you were expecting for the pork-haters.

Also, how utterly, utterly crass and vile to criticise a wedding plan to the bride. Awful behaviour and should completely ignore any one who does this because they have clearly demonstrated they have no sense of appropriate behaviour and so their opinions don't matter anyway.

You didn't specify, but the only thing I would personally miss about a wedding without one would be a chance for a dance. Easily solved for buttons with a laptop/ipod and speakers or the venues sound system. We had a dj because I have interfering family with poor music taste and didn't want to have to police the laptop all day but I've been to plenty of weddings with this set up and it's lovely.

[JellyWitch]

The ceremony is the important bit - I still don't understand the thinking of a cousin who had a church so small that half the guests couldn't fit in and just came to the reception.

So long as you are feeding and watering people after a long journey then it sounds perfect.

[SapphireStrange]

I've had a few comments from people implying we're being stingy and such for not offering our planned small amount of guests a large 3 course affair, money behind the bar and extensive entertainment.

Anyone making comments like that to me would be told in no uncertain terms to mind their own fucking business. And they wouldn't be invited.

Your wedding sounds great.

[Writerwannabe83]

Hog Roast will be fine as long as it's not a long day.

I was at a wedding once from 12pm until 11pm and the only food we were given was a Hog Roast at 6pm ish and everyone was starving by then as nobody had obviously eaten since their breakfast. I think if a wedding is an all day event then it's only fair to make sure your guests are fed sufficiently.

Congratulations OP and I hope you have a lovely day.

[Mouikey]

The best wedding (bar mine) that I ever went to cost less than £3000 - it was the love of them and friends and family that made it! You are not being stingy in fact you're being very generous to let them share your special day xx

[Pengweng]

We had a hog roast with rolls and salad and summer berries served with the wedding cake. We also had it in a barn though so maybe we aren't the best example of a typical wedding! haha
However I loved my wedding. Everyone said they had so much fun and I loved having everyone there that I loved.

Do what you want and enjoy knowing that those who come do so because they care about the two of you and not the buffet.

Congratulations x

[hearyoume]

The best weddings I have ever been to have been relaxed affairs. Brief ceremony, sausage rolls and a knees up. B&G able to actually sit and enjoy the day with their guests. I had a big, fancy do that I didn't want (DH and MIL wanted it ) but would have loved something simple.

[Pengweng]

Oh and we got married at 4pm so the hog roast was the main meal after the speeches but we had champagne and canapes after the ceremony. I agree that if it's a early ceremony then you should have more food.

[morningconstitutional2017]

It's your wedding and it sounds perfectly all right to me. If some people don't like your arrangements they are welcome to stay at home. Good luck.