To expect people to celebrate my marriage, not my wedding?

[SomewhereInbetween1]

I know I'm likely to be flamed for this because I'm either being entirely unreasonable, too traditional or just straight up tight.
My DP and I have just booked our wedding venue and are planning to forgo a lot of modern wedding traditions to keep costs down (no save the dates, no wedding cars, not a 3 course dinner, small centrepieces etc) as we'd rather save money for our marriage. I cannot justify spending thousands of pounds on a reception that we would have to really cut back to save for, when really, the only part important to us, and I had hoped our guests, was the ceremony. For the record, there will be food, but it'll be a hog roast or similar and some sides.

That is not to say that I don't completely understand couples who do spend a lot of money. Weddings and committing to one another is exciting and beautiful and I can see why you would want to go all out to make it as memorable as possible. If you're only going to do it once, why not go all out? This post isn't about attacking those people AT ALL.

I've had a few comments from people implying we're being stingy and such for not offering our planned small amount of guests a large 3 course affair, money behind the bar and extensive entertainment. For the record we have also specified that we want no one to feel obligated to get us a gift, it would feel unreasonable to me to save all this money ourselves but still expect our guests to splash out on gifts.

So in summary, is it unreasonable of me to want people to feel excited about us getting married and what that means, rather than for a lavish reception?

[HouseworkIsASin10]

Sounds fab. We are having registry office ceremony at 5pm, that is what I class as the important bit. Couldn't give a hoot what happens next.

We are planning evening reception with food from 7.30pm. But if the DJ doesn't turn up or the venue has a power cut, if anything goes tits up then I won't be a bit arsed. As long as I'm married to my DP.

[HelenaGWells]

If anyone says that fuck them. We did similar to what you plan on doing. We got married with as many people there as we could fit them we invited everyone for a party. We had a cake, a rolling buffet, a DJ and a big room in a social club.

No wedding cars, no favours, no chair covers, no sit down meal, no money behind the bar. The only flowers we had were 4 fake bouquets for me and my bridesmaids and button holes for DH and his best man and ushers. The ushers were entirely in charge of making sure people knew where to go to get from one place to another.

No one complained but lots of people told
Is it was awesome, very relaxed and chilled. That was our entire intention.

[hibbledobble]

The best wedding I have been to was in the brides parents garden in a marquee. It felt very intimate and true to them. Lots of children running around too, which helped the event feel very informal and relaxed.

[stoopido]

I think your wedding sounds great.
However, I think it depends on how long your wedding day is, I went to a wedding a few years ago which started at 9.30am and we didn't get any food (hogs roast) or drink until about 5.30. It was in the middle of nowhere so couldn't try and grab some from somewhere! I had my children with me and everyone was starving and cold. Therefore, I think you have to make sure the timing all work out so that people aren't left stranded without any food.

By the way I eloped abroad with my long term partner and children because I wanted a small wedding and felt I wanted to spend my money on us rather than everyone else!

[Spudlet]

Sounds like our wedding. Which was awesome

We had a village hall do, hog roast, bought wine for the tables from Tesco, made most of the decorations including the flowers, and a celidh band. We had a total blast, really we did. People still tell us how much fun they had.

It's the people who make a great party, not the money you spend.

[hibbledobble]

I think it sounds great.

As a guest I couldn't care less if a wedding is a finger buffet at a village hall, or a wedding breakfast at a grand hotel. As a guest, I may well have a better time at the former. It's all about who is there, not the posh surroundings.

As long as you feed and provide drink for your guests, anything else is just detail. To expect people to come and not provide food and drink would be poor hosting (I would apply this to any hosting, including having guests at home), but you have made it clear you aren't planning to do this.

[CoolCarrie]

As someone said on another thread, a good marriage is priceless, so you and your other half have the wedding day you both want, and if anyone is giving you a hard time tell them not to bother coming

[SquedgieBeckenheim]

The last wedding I went to was for an old friend. It was at a church.
There was no alcohol. There was no music. There was a BBQ for the food. Wedding ceremony was at 3pm, I was home by 7!
The couple have 4 children and not a lot of money. The day was about them getting married, not about a big party. It was perfect for them.
By contrast DH and I had a big wedding in a barn, partying with a live band till 12 when we got chucked out. That was what we wanted.
The wedding should be about the couple getting married, everyone else is there to support them. You do what is right for you and your fiance.

[diddl]

Surely a hog roast is no different to a buffet after the ceremony?

Not everyone does a sit down three course, do they?

[Strygil]

Good for you - and making these arrangements will also be a useful litmus test for finding out who your real friends are, and who are just shallow acquaintances. Your real friends will be happy to celebrate your wedding in whatever format you choose to do it. As a retired church organist I have taken part in literally hundreds of weddings, and over the years I have come to think that the more elaborate, expensive and overdone the occasion, the less actual love, sincerity and meaning there was in the occasion. Go for it kid, and tell those who don't like the idea that they needn't come. Consider yourself toasted in the best Tesco Prosecco!

[cuphat]

I don't enjoy formal weddings and I also hate being the centre of attention. And to me, the marriage is the important part. We had a very small wedding (immediate family only, though we did pay extra to get married in a location that had meaning to us) and just went back to our house afterwards. Almost 10 years later and I'm still glad we did it that way. We had originally provisionally booked a reception venue but we cancelled and used the money on a deposit for our house instead.

[LagunaBubbles]

Everyone chooses their wedding day to suit themselves and their budget. Nothing rare or unusual at all in what youre planning so I dont get why people are commenting - is it family?

[greedygorb]

Small casual weddings are way more fun IMO. I wanted a small casual wedding and ended up with a small slightly more formal one because my mother and MIL threw the whole guilt thing at me. Wish I'd stuck to my guns. I hated it but everyone else loved it.

[AngryGinger]

and frankly - if people moan about it then they aren't people worth inviting!

[Figment1234]

I should add, we are not even under particular financial restrictions, as my lovely father has generously offered to pay. But in a way that makes me even more cost-conscious... I don't want to waste his hard earned money on £££££ of flowers! The best weddings I have been to have been the less expensive ones.. held in a restaurant or a village hall.

[Figment1234]

We are planning our wedding (sounds similar, hog roast, no wedding cars, hoping to set up some kind of Wii/Singstar/pub quiz for part of the entertainment as that's what we and our friends are in to rather than live music and I just brought my dress for £40!) and I'm finding similar issues, albeit only from a very small number of people. Most of our friends see it the same way, a chance to celebrate with us, and not get caught up in the 'traditional' things that need to be seen. However, some family members are getting worried that if we don't have all these traditional things we look cheap (why do they care what my dress cost, they are not being asked to wear it!) and I have had a friend comment that they wouldn't want to go to a wedding where there was no open bar. I am thinking of telling her to bring a hip-flask...

[AngryGinger]

When my mum got married to her now husband 2 years ago she told everyone she did not want presents, they got married in the registry office and the wedding lunch was just immediate family and witnesses. In all I think there were 12 of us. Then they had an open house in the evening when we got home from lunch and people came round and brought plates of food and wine etc. To an outsider or someone who was not very close to the couple this might have seemed cheap or stingy but it was genuinely one of the nicest weddings I have ever been to. (save my best friends in a pub which the "young ones" including the bride and groom got drunk and left to play pool at 9pm!) Just do what suits you, if you have a nice day then I would consider it a great day! And for what it's worth, I LOVE a good wedding and would love to go to one like yours!

[starsorwater]

Last wedding I went to was just like that, hog roast and chip van for chip butties. It was lovely. The one before was salads in the garden and an ice cream van with free ice cream. Everyone was very happy.

[MrsEricBana]

It sounds great and more than that you sound very wise. We had a bigger wedding and a fair few guests including friends of our parents, work colleagues etc. If I were to do it again I'd go much smaller, less traditional and only have those people who really really matter to us as a couple. I think hog roast sounds far nicer than a stuffy fancy meal anyway!

[TheProblemOfSusan]

Oh the other thing we did was have a 2pm ceremony with a meeting in a pub beforehand where they did good food, and I cunningly made it clear that we would not be providing lunch. I provided a rough outline of the day with the invite so people knew what to expect and had addresses and taxi numbers and that sort of thing, and said something like "we'll be meeting in the pub from 12 for a prosecco reception if you would like to join us, food there is reasonably priced or there are plenty of other options in the area."

A bit crass but I know my family, they would have turned up with open months whining that they'd had to travel so far and no lunch otherwise, and we just couldn't afford two meals, hence the 2pm start. This was in a location with more cafes and restaurants than people, mind you!

[wifeyhun]

Sounds great, if people don't like it they don't have to come.

[RoughBeast]

There is nothing more joyless imo than someone detailing at length how they are saving money and cutting costs

I assure you that My Big Day and My Perfect Princess Frock and My Rehearsal Dinner and My Five Star Hotel Reception and My Bridesmaids' Dresses Matching the Favours in a Secret Colour Only to be Revealed To the Inner Circle are considerably more tiresome.

[HighDataUsage]

Sounds great, casual and informal like a lot of weddings I've been to recently. Btw what are you providing for vegetarians and none pig eaters?!

[Jaxhog]

YANBU at all. We did the same. Wedding was at my parent's house, we just invited close family and friends, and I hired my dress. I just don't understand why people spend so much on a wedding party. Better to save it, (and have a big party for your 25th anniversary).

Anyone who complains, isn't worth inviting, frankly. Let them go somewhere else to freeload.

[morningconstitutional2017]

It's your wedding and it sounds perfectly all right to me. If some people don't like your arrangements they are welcome to stay at home. Good luck.