To wish my mum could just be kind

[Suchalovelyday]

I'm here for a vent. It's been a rough week.

I have a weird relationship with my mum. I say weird, I mean horrible.

Back story, to not drip feed: I'm adopted. Never met my bmum, did find her but flipped out totally (no idea why really, primal wound they call it I think - the hurt the baby feels when separated from the bmum). Anyway, I couldn't handle any contact so that's that.

My adoptive mum, until I had children myself, has got slowly more and more spiteful, or maybe I just started noticing it when I realised how I felt about my DCs

She minimises everything I am worried about, I don't mean in a 'it'll be fine, sweetheart, come on, I'm with you' I mean in a 'what on earth did you go to the doctor about ....... How strange. I wouldn't bother a doctor with that (suspected melsnoma under a nail which had to be removed to clear it). Breast lumps 'well, you do panic so, always so dramatic'

I struggled to get pregnant, had several early miscarriages which according to her weren't real miscarriages as I was barely pregnant. When we finally got pregnant in one conversation (after being finally given the OK on twin 1 having miscarried twin 2) she asked why should she be happy as she would never see the child (she lives 500 miles away and I had told her we wouldn't be moving near her when the baby was born).
She didn't come to mine and DHs wedding - she used their dog being ill as an excuse but later said it was actually because she thought he was just after a passport (he's from overseas).

My brother can do no wrong. She's done her best to make sure we barely talk even though he says he loves me. He rarely contacts me and his wife doesn't like me, or st least hadn't tried to get to know me - my mum says she thinks I'm a yuppy career woman. I've only met her about 5 times.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year and she asked me what I was depressed about, I tried to explain it wasn't like that but she just said I didn't know what depression was etc.

These are just snapshots of thousands of little spiteful digs and backhanded put downs.

I know this is toxic, and I did try NC for sbout 6 months but it was awful and I felt like an orphan.

But I just can't seem to stop letting myself get sucked in and letting her hurt me over and over. I'm so very sad for the mum I've never had. I feel rejected twice. I'm nearly 50 and it's so raw, had another conversation tonight, we're trying to sell our house, estate agent (Tepilo) utter shit and it's just rubbish. Smack - she always sold houses easily because everyone said her houses looked so lovely - ergo mine doesn't?

I'm rambling, I'm so sad. I'm going back to the doctors, I just went this pain to go away :-(

Fascinating thread - it strikes a chord, sadly.

When I said I was expecting my one said " it is not too late... you know... " she meant to get rid off !

Of course she denies that or that she just wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing - either way what a lovely response

OP you already got PP advice and I second that of doing more therapy for two specific issues, adoption and bmum and, sadly, having a dysfunctional mum.

Most of us who have grown up with one of those come to have a greater understanding of their damaging behaviour only when we become mum ourself. It is so so sad and painful. Human being can be so faulty. I am on very low contact. I totally avoid any meaningful subject and old sure wounds.
If we meet I try to treat her like I would like my dc treat me when I am old, I hold that thought. I want to show my dc something that resemble a loving parents/relationship. This is what helps me dealing with her. Bloody hard but worth a try

sore, not sure

Do any of you feel like your mum tries to compete with you?

I don't mean in terms of trying to out-do you, more in terms of totally dissing anything of yours, and making casual mention of how much better hers is/was (whatever it is)

I can actually recognise her fake, poor little confused me voice 'I don't know, I suppose I've just looked after my figure'

We also have casual racism thrown in. I acknowledge some of it originates in when they thought it was acceptable, but when you've said a word is offensive several times and she keeps using it.

Favourite shock moment of the last couple of weeks

Mum: Did you see Donald Trumps speech

Me: omg yes....I can't believe...

Mum (interrupting) now if WE had a patriot like that over here, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now

Me: er...

Yes, I'm sure DH (not from the uk) and your two mixed ethnicity grandchildren would adore a Mr Trump.

I told you I wouldn't stop once the floodgates opened...

Maybe we just need to mentally do an eye roll when stupid crap statements are said.

Ive starred a thread over on Relationships called The Grey Rocks. Please can someone link etc

Thank you thank you!

I didn't comment after your last post, because it opened a few doors and I'd have been typing all day! Rang so many bells!

I'll go and find your new thread.

New grey rock thread here... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2850576-The-Grey-Rocks-1?

It's hard especially if you have friends who have perfect shiny relationships with their Mums. My worry would be that she's either toxic with them, or she's toxic with you in front of them, making them wonder is it ok to treat Mum like crap if Grandma gets away with doing it.

You sometimes have to count your blessings and think, I've got my own amazing family, is she jealous she couldn't have her own, I don't know, but what you do know is under no circumstances will you end up like her. That's a valuable if not harsh lesson to learn. Your DC's will be really lucky.

I just wanted to say in the context of grey rocking, don't beat yourself up if you end up sharing more than you intend, forgetting what she's like, inviting more closeness - it's our natural drive to do that with our primary caregivers even when they're bloody awful and we know that. It's an unconscious drive, you have to be really vigilant about it.

How are you feeling OP?