To wish my mum could just be kind

[Suchalovelyday]

I'm here for a vent. It's been a rough week.

I have a weird relationship with my mum. I say weird, I mean horrible.

Back story, to not drip feed: I'm adopted. Never met my bmum, did find her but flipped out totally (no idea why really, primal wound they call it I think - the hurt the baby feels when separated from the bmum). Anyway, I couldn't handle any contact so that's that.

My adoptive mum, until I had children myself, has got slowly more and more spiteful, or maybe I just started noticing it when I realised how I felt about my DCs

She minimises everything I am worried about, I don't mean in a 'it'll be fine, sweetheart, come on, I'm with you' I mean in a 'what on earth did you go to the doctor about ....... How strange. I wouldn't bother a doctor with that (suspected melsnoma under a nail which had to be removed to clear it). Breast lumps 'well, you do panic so, always so dramatic'

I struggled to get pregnant, had several early miscarriages which according to her weren't real miscarriages as I was barely pregnant. When we finally got pregnant in one conversation (after being finally given the OK on twin 1 having miscarried twin 2) she asked why should she be happy as she would never see the child (she lives 500 miles away and I had told her we wouldn't be moving near her when the baby was born).
She didn't come to mine and DHs wedding - she used their dog being ill as an excuse but later said it was actually because she thought he was just after a passport (he's from overseas).

My brother can do no wrong. She's done her best to make sure we barely talk even though he says he loves me. He rarely contacts me and his wife doesn't like me, or st least hadn't tried to get to know me - my mum says she thinks I'm a yuppy career woman. I've only met her about 5 times.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year and she asked me what I was depressed about, I tried to explain it wasn't like that but she just said I didn't know what depression was etc.

These are just snapshots of thousands of little spiteful digs and backhanded put downs.

I know this is toxic, and I did try NC for sbout 6 months but it was awful and I felt like an orphan.

But I just can't seem to stop letting myself get sucked in and letting her hurt me over and over. I'm so very sad for the mum I've never had. I feel rejected twice. I'm nearly 50 and it's so raw, had another conversation tonight, we're trying to sell our house, estate agent (Tepilo) utter shit and it's just rubbish. Smack - she always sold houses easily because everyone said her houses looked so lovely - ergo mine doesn't?

I'm rambling, I'm so sad. I'm going back to the doctors, I just went this pain to go away :-(

user892 I already take magnesium supplement as I had some awful painful cramps! Now the restless keg and cramps are mostly under control but once a blue moon the restless leg or cramp comes back.

Wow 'grey rock' sounds excellent.

www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/

I think this is excellent advice. I can see going no contact could push your buttons OP on things like abandonment, being an orphan etc, and I also feel that officially being no contact might be hard when it comes to illness or death of a parent. Your brother is presumably in contact with her so if you are not in contact with her then it makes a barrier between you and your brother potentially.

However grey rock low contact means she cannot reproach you for not being in contact with her and neither can your brother.

queenbeeing.com/toxic-relationship-recovery-using-gray-rock-method-safely/

180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
This is amaizing, I think it is worth reading more!

180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/2/

Anyway, I think it would be really helpful to read up on this, maybe chat to your dh or a trusted friend and make sure you know how you want to proceed. I am the sort of person who loves a 'project' and I would see this as project 'Keep mum safely at arm's length'.

I must go to bed. Night all.

You have been so brave in all this, I know how much it hurts to give up on one mother who's never going to be the mother I needed her to be, or the one like so many lucky others have.

You had 2 mothers, neither of which were good enough for you. Your adoptive mother was in it for herself, and how it makes her feel.

Nothing has changed there, except now she's bitter and highly jealous and resentful of you.

My mother is sumilar. We're nc now, apparently she's told people heon"devastated" she is...

Not devastated enough to apologise for moving without leaving a forwarding address...

Not devastated enough to apologise for ranting at me, allowing her vile h to barge doors that terrified ds and I were behind

I wish everyone who knew her knew what she'd done.

Then perhaps they'd feel somewhat embarrassed about still keeping pretensions of normality in the fucked up family

Don't want to read and run - I feel your pain OP, my mother is not altogether dissimilar (not as bad, but not great either). I just wanted to recommend a women called Bethany Webster, who blogs about something that she calls the Mother Wound. It's really interesting and may help you shed some light on the dynamics between you and your mother.

I tried to do grey rock with my mother yesterday. This is how our phone convo went-

Me- "hi mum, how's things?"

Mum "exhausted. Fed up. Working is terrible. Not that you'd know" (I'm sahm with ds)

Me "oh dear, sorry you're tired, maybe take a nice bath"

Mum "I don't have time. Too much to do."

Me "oh. Did you see the pictures of ds's first ski yesterday I sent you?"

Mum "yes. Ridiculous. How much did that cost? I bet he didn't even like it."

And it went on and on. Everything I said got shot down and ripped apart. It seems grey rock makes her more angry and vile than normal conversation.

I accidentally let slip something that dh and I had been upset about this weekend, she's my mum, I have nobody else to talk to about this and should have known better but thought maybe for once she'd be nice. Nope, she used it as a battering ram for how terrible everything to do with dh and I is.

It's exhausting. We've been through a month of her actually being nice, that's the worst, you get sucked in again.

Sorry for the rant op.

I'm sorry for you and all the others who have mothers that just seem incapable of being kind.

It's so easy to say go nc but it's like a drug or alcohol addiction. Only you can make that choice and you need to be ready. And in the case of saying goodbye to our mothers, most of us never will be.

And it really is a bitter pill when none of your other siblings get treated this way. My brothers can do no wrong. It makes it all the more hurtful.

yy bummy. It appears that I've been doing grey rock for years - my toxic mother only speaks to me to tell me that she's spoken to my brother and what their conversation was. She has not asked how i am or what I am doing for years, and failed to visit for 8 weeks after 2nd child was born.

If I don't call, I get hell ("I'll be dead soon, then you'll be sorry" / variations thereof) so i call and do nothing but listen. Any question she asks me gets a one word reply - fine / nothing. She hasn't ever noticed. It's utterly counterproductive to offer even the tiniest shred of additional information as it will be used against me - ANOTHER hoilday? I'D LOVE to have a holiday but no one will take me (so fuking have one!) etc etc.

Your mum is not good enough for you.

My mum's mum is a bit like this to her - not quite as bad - but takes everything out on her, sometimes blanks her for no reason, is never sympathetic to her problems - and it kills me.

Like others have said, it seems like nc is the only way but I can see why that would be so hurtful for you. Either that or try to have it out with her - don't hold back, ask her why she treats you that way and give examples. What do you have to lose?

bummy, don't say the ski bit, don't send the pictures.

It's like working to rule, you do the least possible. So if she asks for a picture, send it, but don't volunteer it or ask what she thinks.

I ask mine how she's doing. She then rattles away for an hour and all I really need to do is say 'oh dear, really? How irritating. What happened then?' Occasionally I get caught out because she asks me something and I've lost track of what she was saying, but 'sorry, say that again, the phone crackled,' usually sorts that.

Try- and I know it's not easy- to let go of what it should be like, and just accept how it is.

suchalovelyday as all the other PPs have said, you sound like a really lovely person, you've come through so much strife and struggle in your life and it's horrid to hear the way your mother treats you. There is so much good advice on this thread, I hope it helps you come to develop a plan for dealing with her.

bummymummy77 - I hope you don't mind if I replicate your conversation and make a few comments. I know you were trying the "grey rock" technique, but I think you were probably giving her way too much ammunition. It's something that takes practice (lots of!) and I thought maybe if I just amended the real conversation you had, it might help you? Hope the addition of lots of italics/strike outs won't make it too difficult to read! So:

Me- "hi mum, how's things?" Fine start, she is all about herself

Mum "exhausted. Fed up. Working is terrible. Not that you'd know" (I'm sahm with ds)

Me "oh dear, sorry you're tired, maybe take a nice bath " don't make suggestions - ammunition

Mum "I don't have time. Too much to do."

Me "oh.stop here - maybe add another "oh dear" Did you see the pictures of ds's first ski yesterday I sent you?" ammunition, as we can see from her next attack

Mum "yes. Ridiculous. How much did that cost? I bet he didn't even like it."

Try to keep your conversation to non-personal things - the weather, the news, the dog (but only if she brings up that subject) and let her bang on and on about whatever she wants - interject with "Hmmm", "Oh dear", "really", "that's a shame" etc. Try not to give her anything to attack you with - children's accomplishments will be shot down - children's difficulties will be either gloated over or used to bash you with. And as a PP said, try to keep conversations shorter by having to go out, someone at the door, etc. etc. I hope this helps you when or if you try it again.

Don't have anything fresh to add but sorry OP. 500 miles apart for a start was what I was going to suggest but you have achieved that.

Exhausting and thankless was how one friend described a similar relationship to this.

What stands out to me in your posts is that a lot of her criticism and nasty comments seem to revolve around her judgement of any health issues. You say she says you are dramatic (about your health?) it seems she has an unhealthy attitude to illness, has this been a theme in your relationship (her minimising any illness you have)

If I were you I'd start with not telling her anything about your health or that of your family. Just keep repeating 'we are all fine, very well thank you' etc.

bummymummy you really do not deserve this terrible treatment. My heart goes you to you.

"I tried to do grey rock with my mother yesterday."

I am new to grey rock but I think I have already spotted where you went wrong. Can I make suggestions and you feel free to ignore me?

"Mum "exhausted. Fed up. Working is terrible. Not that you'd know" (I'm sahm with ds)"

and

"Mum "I don't have time. Too much to do.""

You cold have said "Oh dear, sorry I have caught you at a busy time, shall I call back later? Then is she keeps moaning just go quiet and say something like....

"I feel a bit tired too now, I think I'd better go for a lie down and then you can too."

"Me "oh. Did you see the pictures of ds's first ski yesterday I sent you?""

You should be sending pictures of nice sunsets or puppies. Not your child who you are about!

"I accidentally let slip something that dh and I had been upset about this weekend, she's my mum, I have nobody else to talk to about this and should have known better but thought maybe for once she'd be nice. Nope, she used it as a battering ram for how terrible everything to do with dh and I is."

PLEASE go out, get a hobby or go to a parent and toddler group, parent fundraising or whatever is appropriate age range and make some new friends to talk to. Assuming this is how your mum is, you know how she will be. So expecting her to suddenly be different is not grey rock!

I mean this nicely, please make some new friends who are worthy of you.

"We've been through a month of her actually being nice, that's the worst, you get sucked in again." So really when she is nice you need to be aware that she can turn very quickly. Knowledge is power. You know her so you should be ready for her to turn on you.

"It's so easy to say go nc but it's like a drug or alcohol addiction. Only you can make that choice and you need to be ready. And in the case of saying goodbye to our mothers, most of us never will be."

I really do not think that many of us think it is easy to go no contact! I think we might suggest it because we want you to be safe and happy. That is why I think if you can keep her at bay that may work better than N/C if you really cannot go N/C.

Choc "Either that or try to have it out with her - don't hold back, ask her why she treats you that way and give examples. What do you have to lose?"

Although in theory I agree with you about having things out, I don't think it would work here. If a parent suddenly changed their behaviour it would be fair enough. But the OP is a fully grown woman and her mum is an OAP. the relationship is well entrenched and i think the OP would end up expending a lot of energy and time and emotions and only being further drawn in. IMHO.

picklemepopcorn excellent advice. Is this you on the phone!

oopse, just seen I did what twinjocks did, sorry did not see that!

I meant Not your child who you care about!

Thank you all for your suggestions on how to grey rock better.

I just find it so hard! I want to talk to her about ds and what I'm doing, I only see her once a year. Although I must say, I'm secretly glad I don't live in the same country. She'd be unbearable with ds if I saw her more.

Do any of you have daughters? Does it worry you that you'll unintentionally repeat behaviour?

I will never behave as my DM does! I have a very different relationship with my DCs. They are allowed their own opinions, to make mistakes, to disagree. To self determine. My role is to support, not control.
Very different.

Stick with the practising, Bummy. When you realise nothing you do or say will help, it's easier to say less. I just rang mine to arrange when I go to stay next, as she had been asking about urgently a few days ago. She has sent me a list of all the many days it wouldn't be convenient because they are so busy. It will need to be this weekend, basically, and she will make clear that it isn't the best weekend really as they are so busy... Anyway, I rang to discuss it but she is too busy (needs a rest before going out later) to talk right now, so will I call her tomorrow?

Honestly, the sooner you realise that you are a walk on part in her drama, the easier it gets. Your role is to exist, pop up when wanted, and go back in your box the rest of the time.

Sorry, does that sound bitter? I don't mean it to, it's actually very freeing because it reduces the pressure of trying to get it right.

Bummymummy "I just find it so hard! I want to talk to her about ds and what I'm doing,"

I know, it must be hard. But I guess you really want to talk to her and have her reply and interact appropriately? If she cannot do that, can you find other sources of comfort/advice/companionship. Think Bridgette Jones and her urban family!

"Do any of you have daughters? Does it worry you that you'll unintentionally repeat behaviour?" My mum was not weird with me but was quite negative. I try to be a positive person, to admit when I make a mistake (which my mother could never do! Until she was quite old.)

I follow my mum's good example of not having a favourite child.

picklemepopcorn hope weekend is OK. [hugs]

Thank you!

Hi op, i think you and me are one and the same person. My mother makes nasty comments all the time. I thought it was just her way and then someone on mn pointed me in the direction of narcissistic personality disorder. I read 'you re not crazy its your mother' it really opened my eyes.

I get the nasty comments all the time too. I was miscarrying my 7th baby and i rang my mum crying. She said oh good god, i thought something terrible had happened! Witch! I suffer with depression too,she cant understand why i stay with dh (its obviously his fault, never hers), she thinks i have too much time on my hands if i gave time to be depressed. I was sexually assaulted at school and she blamed me for being a slut. I was 14 and was ( and still am) the shyest person on the planet

If i tell people what shes said, they just look at me in disbelief. I must have heard her wrong etc. After 40 years of it, it really has taken its toll on me. I struggle to make friends, i have no self esteem, cant bear confrontation blah blah blah

Bloody hell cheekybean why are you still in contact with her!

Stick around and help us work out what grey rock is!!!!

xxxx

We should start a thread called 'Grey rock' and share successes and failures.

Cheeky - that's bloody unbelievable! No, wait - it isn't - when my mum arrived at the hospital after our (not real miscarriages/why should I be happy/you didn't need IVF/no, I'm not coming up because you've got pre eclampsia) baby arrived, I kid you not, she threw herself across me and the baby, wailing 'thank god you're here - we've waited so long!!' (Oh and then flounced because I had to try to bf for an hour and they didn't understand why they couldn't 'pop back in 5 mins'.

Bummy, I recognise that conversation so well. Ours is tinged with slightly more Dunkirk spirit 'well, we don't have to take to our beds at the first thing, do we'.

Schoolgirl error on sharing your spat with DH.

First rule of Grey Rock - don't ever admit anyone has annoyed you. Unlike when they lie to cover up some jibe or put down, they WILL remember and they WILL use it on you.

I'm as bad, I forget what I'm dealing with because there's a brief interlude and I have supportive loving mum on the phone. Then you step away from their line and boom, suddenly your marriage/friendships/job and parenting are going to get it nuclear stylee.

I'm in grey silent rock at the moment. She's not phoned since the call that triggered my post and neither have I. I need to mentally prepare for a light breezy gosh it's been chilly, the dog is snorty call at the weekend.

Ugh!!

I think we are going to all be grey rock experts soon!

My new spring look

I think we should start a grey rock thread.

After my last miscarriage my mum said "well that's what you get when you tell people too early." We'd been trying 2.5 years with two miscarriages.

She's a peach.