To wish my mum could just be kind

[Suchalovelyday]

I'm here for a vent. It's been a rough week.

I have a weird relationship with my mum. I say weird, I mean horrible.

Back story, to not drip feed: I'm adopted. Never met my bmum, did find her but flipped out totally (no idea why really, primal wound they call it I think - the hurt the baby feels when separated from the bmum). Anyway, I couldn't handle any contact so that's that.

My adoptive mum, until I had children myself, has got slowly more and more spiteful, or maybe I just started noticing it when I realised how I felt about my DCs

She minimises everything I am worried about, I don't mean in a 'it'll be fine, sweetheart, come on, I'm with you' I mean in a 'what on earth did you go to the doctor about ....... How strange. I wouldn't bother a doctor with that (suspected melsnoma under a nail which had to be removed to clear it). Breast lumps 'well, you do panic so, always so dramatic'

I struggled to get pregnant, had several early miscarriages which according to her weren't real miscarriages as I was barely pregnant. When we finally got pregnant in one conversation (after being finally given the OK on twin 1 having miscarried twin 2) she asked why should she be happy as she would never see the child (she lives 500 miles away and I had told her we wouldn't be moving near her when the baby was born).
She didn't come to mine and DHs wedding - she used their dog being ill as an excuse but later said it was actually because she thought he was just after a passport (he's from overseas).

My brother can do no wrong. She's done her best to make sure we barely talk even though he says he loves me. He rarely contacts me and his wife doesn't like me, or st least hadn't tried to get to know me - my mum says she thinks I'm a yuppy career woman. I've only met her about 5 times.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year and she asked me what I was depressed about, I tried to explain it wasn't like that but she just said I didn't know what depression was etc.

These are just snapshots of thousands of little spiteful digs and backhanded put downs.

I know this is toxic, and I did try NC for sbout 6 months but it was awful and I felt like an orphan.

But I just can't seem to stop letting myself get sucked in and letting her hurt me over and over. I'm so very sad for the mum I've never had. I feel rejected twice. I'm nearly 50 and it's so raw, had another conversation tonight, we're trying to sell our house, estate agent (Tepilo) utter shit and it's just rubbish. Smack - she always sold houses easily because everyone said her houses looked so lovely - ergo mine doesn't?

I'm rambling, I'm so sad. I'm going back to the doctors, I just went this pain to go away :-(

I just feel like I wasn't good enough for either mum

No lovely, that's not the case at all. Some people are just not meant to be mothers.

My mother kept her children, 4 of us. She let our father beat us, starve us, bully us - she'd sit at the table with him with them eating their dinner when we didn't deserve any. She protected herself by putting us in the firing line. Some people are just not meant to be mothers and most of the time they can't even see it.

It sounds like she's resentful that you felt the need to look into your bmum. Like you thought she wasn't good enough, or that you weren't grateful enough. That's not your fault - it's hers. The fact she's let that sully your relationship and turn herself into a cow is her fault. Nothing in this is down to you.

Look at it a different way - if for some reason something happened and you turned into a nasty cow who made your child feel like you do what would you want your child to do? If I ever made my children feel like my parents did I'd want them to run away, fast and far. You wouldn't want it for your child so you shouldn't accept it for yourself. Walk away from her, she won't change and you deserve better.

Trying2bgd "I hate to say this but I think ultimately if you want to stop the pain, you will have to walk away, deal with your depression and not return to her until you are stronger yourself." Good advice.

ENSHI how awful about your crying baby. Great advice about the pub once a year “Please take care and remove toxic people from your life. I have blossomed since doing so and am much happier as a result.” Brilliant.

“EmeraldScorn* “It's strange how she'd commit herself to the kindness of adopting a baby all of those years ago, to now be pushing that grown up baby away.” I don’t see adoption as a kindness. Those who adopt normally do it because they want to parent children. And just as birth mums have kids because they want to parent children yet can also be toxic, so can adoptive mums.

“Maybe that's what it is, does she feel that you abandoned her when you moved or that you were rejecting her as a mother when you started to look for your birth mother?” Maybe she does feel like that but those feelings are not good or helpful. Most kids move out of home and some travel miles away. Children who are adopted often look for their birth parents. Our son is adopted, and I really hope he will look for his birth mum when he comes of age. I will help him if he chooses to do this, he won’t need to do anything behind my back because he will know it is normal and acceptable for him to do this if he wishes. I do understand this thinking has not been around for a very long time but still I do not think the OPs adopted mum here should have been surprised.

I agree with you though that she sounds bitter about something but not “I think there may be something deeper involved, I don't think she woke up one day and decided to start being spiteful to you for no reason, maybe she is hurting over something.”

Maybe she has always been spiteful. Danger is OP could spent the next 20 years (however long her adoptive mum lives) trying work out and coax what is wrong, and maybe to no avail. It does not sound as if her mum has any awareness of issues. You say two options -try and work out what the problem is - or to cut ties. I think I would see a third option, to go low contact, keep it minimal. Keep it light. Plenty of texts about nothing of important and dog photos, she had a dog too once, her excuse for not coming to the wedding! And rare actual face to face meetings. I think that really sounds the best option.

OP I think you may need to work through your feelings about being adopted and then you may feel better able to either go no contact or low contact with your mum.

We are pretty much the same age, OP. My father died when I was in my late 30s, my mum steadily got more ill over the years and finally died last year but for much of the last decade I have felt as if she is not really here. In a way I am an orphan but I don’t feel like it. I have my lovely husband and wonderful kids and I don’t feel bereft to not have my parents any more.

OP you know you cannot tell her anything meaningful because she will use it to hurt you. She is not really a mum is she, nothing to do with adoption or not adoption, it is to do with what she does in relation to you. She uses you to make herself feel better and you feel worse. Really she is the one who should be in counselling. You know that. She does not deserve you!

Maybe she has had some bad or sad things happen in life and she has chosen to allow these to define who she is. Find your own healing for your own life and gently allow her to slide out of your life.

Sorry I have written a lot! Please PM me if you wish to. XX

lalalalyra

Don't want to read and run and will reply tomorrow when I'm not getting angry ds to sleep but I'm where you are and .

Oh OP, I let out a big sigh when I read your title. All I wanted was for my mum to be kind too. But she isn't a kind person. We've been more or less NC for 4 years now.

A turning point for me was realising that she was negative and snippy about everyone and everything in her life. It wasn't me that wasn't good enough. In her damaged mind nothing is ever good enough.

Unfortunately I was never able to become detached enough to not let her drag me down when I saw her. My mental health suffered whenever I spent time with her, so I stopped spending time with her.

It's been a brilliant 4 years. Calm and stable and happy.

You don't know what happened with your bmum and why she gave you up until you ask her. She might have desperately wanted you but been unable to keep you.

Your mother sounds exactly like my oh at times - the minimising, put downs, changing a situation to make it look like I'm in the wrong. I've come to decide he's emotionally abusive and also depressed himself. It's hard to get away from these people though isn't it. There's nothing wrong with you tho and you don't deserve to be treated this way. Is your oh nice/supportive?

Yy Hearts

There is something called 'going grey rock' You make yourself very uninteresting in order that she has no material to use on you.

It sounds as though she hates that you have your own emotional needs and identity, and wants you to exist solely on her terms. If you are grey rock, you don't demand anything from her and she has nothing to use against you. So as you found before, conversations about the weather, tv programmes etc. Not about anything that matters. It is two pronged in that you feel stronger because you do not expect anything from her, and she has nothing to get at you about.

There are all sorts of reasons she could be like this. She could have had a difficult childhood/relationship with her own parents. She could have unresolved trauma from her own inability to have children (miscarriages?). I don't know what kind of support there would have been at the time she adopted you. My DM is a similar age to yours, despises counselling, no emotional intelligence at all. She may not be an awful person, just an awful mum.

Mourn for the mothers you wish you had had, and deserve to have had. This isn't your fault.

Some things in life are completely out of our realm of control. Your birth mothers choices were, as were the choices made by the family who adopted you. I'm sure your Bmum had her reasons, it's not like it is now, women had the choices removed. Their was also a great deal of shame/pressure/stigma attached in those days. You can't change any of those choices as you didn't make them.

Your adoptive mother is making the choice to belittle and undermine you, YOU don't have to put up with her shite. Stick her on PAUSE!

I would start putting your emotional need first, if that means putting your adoptive family on temporary pause? Then so be it.

Sometimes all you can do is distance yourself. Get yourself to a stronger emotional position and then decide whether or not to allow those people back into your life...

First and foremost. BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

OP you've had good advice here - I hope you're OK.

Argh op, I think you've explained very well so don't worry about that.
What's your network like aside from your mum? You can't choose your family, adopted or otherwise, but you can choose to surround yourself with supportive friends. Keep contact to a minimum if nc is (understandably) too much. She sounds hellish. You don't deserve those awful digs. They reflect her and not you.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 06-Feb-17 01:26:19
You poor thing OP, she sounds so hard to deal with.

I just feel like I wasn't good enough for either mum

No. Just no. You sound lovely. None of your kids are EVER going to be saying that about you, are they? You will make damn sure of that. Maybe turn that thought around. Maybe neither mum was good enough for you.

I quoted this because it needs repeating

It sounds like there's a golden child (your brother) and a scapegoat (you) in this relationship. I come from a similar setup. None of your concerns can ever be "real" (even when they are demonstrably so - miscarriages etc), whereas the smallest breath of wind on your brother's pool will be treated as a serious issue. Your feelings are continually minimised, while your brother's are respected.

I understand what you mean about feeling like an orphan when you went NC. This is because going NC isn't always the simplest, or the best, or the first solution. Sometimes when the dynamic is very exclusionary and abusive it can actually make things worse, cementing feelings of despair and hurt. I seriously recommend you start with counselling first. You need someone to give you the unconditional positive regard that a parent is supposed to give. Once you have this, I suspect you may start to feel a lot stronger, and then you will be able to figure out how you handle your mother. There are any number of strategies for pushing back, you must decide which one feels right for you. I think one element probably has to be a relationship with your brother where she isn't in the middle, controlling you both.

You're not alone in going through this.

Op, get some professional support (counselling works for me) because your dm won't change. To free your self from this cycle of hurt, you need to be able to see your dm for what she is. Don't kid yourself that she is fair and kind to your brother either. My older sibling felt my mum was lovely to me for years, completely oblivious to the fact that she was mean and abusive to all her DC.

I haven't gone NC, but from a pp description, I think I have done a version of grey rock.

I think reducing contact and avoiding teling her anything meaningful is worth a try. I wish I'd done this with my Mum but she went through a difficult time and of course I rushed around trying to help her. She sucked it all up and then unleashed her bile towards me, I took it until something snapped in me now we are nc.

My Mum is great with babies and young children but I think it's all about getting the unconditional love for her, she changes as they get older. I spent my childhood thinking there was something wrong with me, then I started to see how she was with my teens and it all made sense. She started to pick at them constantly.

She is also more lenient with boys but I get the feeling that she thinks girls should be more loving to her than sons and also 2 rungs lower down on the family ladder. So she takes not wanting to live in her pockets as a rejection that needs to be punished with digs to get them back in line.

If your brother is OK with you I would just maintain a pleasant relationship with him and keep the channels open. My Mum always excused her boys if they didn't call etc so none of them bother much to contact family but we all get on and have a laugh together.

I wouldnt let the comment from your sil effect your relationship. She may have said it in a nice way, been led into gossip by your mum, or a simple first impression. The only thing to ponder on is why your Mum passed it on. Some people like to get themselves embroiled in gossip so they remain at the centre of a set of friend or family dynamics. Sil may also be reticent in joining in extended family life because your mum isn't pleasant to her.

I'm at work now, really appreciate the messages, I will post more later xx

Thank you all

Can't add to the advice op but for you. And lala so sorry for what you suffered.

I can't begin to understand mothers like this. It's just so contrary to how most mums are. It's just not fair on you. Xx

She sees you are strong and wants to tear you down. You owe her nothing and she doesn't possess what you desire. She's not a good person to have in your life x

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, OP.

My story is similar in some respects so I can identify with some of your feelings, but to have the added aspect of adoption (so the understandable response of not wanting NC) must make things even tougher.

PPs have talked about golden child/scapegoat scenarios re. your brother. It sounds spot-on for your situation. I had counselling too, and found it really helpful - particularly because the clinical psyc I spoke to was not one of your "...and how did that make you feel?" types - she was very clear and opinionated about the things my mum had said and done which were downright wrong. It's so easy to doubt yourself when you're dealing with mothers like this - especially when they deny half the things they say (which is also classic behaviour).

I wish I'd kept up the counselling and would certainly pick it up again if I were you. I've read a lot since then, and found anything on 'borderline personality disorder' to be really helpful (I identify my mum's behaviour with that rather than narcissism). 'Stop Walking On Eggshells' (Mason/Kreger) is my latest favourite.

I'm not NC with my mother - time has allowed me to accept the situation and to get a handle on the depression/anxiety which seems to be symptomatic, and I seem to have inadvertently started handling the relationship with the 'grey rock' method PPs have mentioned. That and realising she is what she is, and that I'll never be able to fix her or make her happy. She may be my birth mother, but she'll never the kind of mum I aspire to be. She doesn't choose to be the way she is - it probably goes back to fairly major neglect she experienced as a child - but I can't fix that and I have every right to live a happy life and not let her responses touch me.

Sorry, a bit of a ramble, but the bottom line is that if you want to avoid NC, reaching acceptance and resilience via counselling and reading (to understand what your mum is) is what I'd suggest.

I'm home now, with my two gorgeous children and my snuggly, very happy puppy.

I do understand the circumstances around my adoption. She obviously struggled as I went to a foster mother, then she tried with me for a couple of months, then to another foster mother until I was adopted at 6 months. I don't resent her but it doesn't change the outcome if you Kwim? I actually think my adoption wouldn't necessarily be even on the radar if things hadn't developed as they did with my mum.

Some of the things that many of you have said are spot on - she's not just like it to me, she has no relationship with any of her family and her brother died 2 years ago with them having been estranged since I was 5. Her mum was ill all her life and died fairly young, and I'm sure that's some of what's up with her.

Her and dad couldn't have kids, they wanted kids. They most certainly didn't do it to be kind! It was totally to fulfill their need and I don't think either of them dealt with their infertility. When I went on to have IVF for DC #1 (I needed immontherapy and DHs wriggles weren't particularly numerous or enthusiastic!) she was annoyed 'adoption wasn't good enough' for us - I'm sure she felt I was judging her choice (there wasn't IVF then anyway?!) but my DH was adamant he wanted genetic children. A gut feeling amidst a lot of very gut feelings, not least him having to accept his own contribution to our medical issues. She told all and su do I didn't need IVF, I was an impatient career woman. I didn't meet DH until I was 36, and all my immune responses were sky high, nothing could've grown in my womb as things stood.

Someone said about the career thing, again, I do think she feels guilty she didn't work. We always struggled, they were hopeless with money and are now living in a teeny mobile home living on State pension due to blowing everything on an overseas property and loans to buy it.

She loves exaggerating - my dad was taken into hospital with a suspected heart attack last year (taken - he drove him, her and their dog there and she sat in the car with the dog). I've a little medical knowledge through a role I did for 3 years and had focused on emergency medicine. She was so vague news I was trying to work out what was going on with him (did I need to jump in my car and travel 6 hours?) when I asked her what tests they'd done 'oh EVERYTHING' I asked what everything 'EVERYTHING SUCH, I've told you! Don't interrogate me!

I'm pissed off with myself. I got really good at keeping it upbeat bs, and she's fucking sucked me back in and started again. I do have a good network of friends and luckily I can access some counselling through work, though sadly my old counsellor died. I'm giving it a week and if I feel no better I'm going to ask my GP to get me back on my meds - I felt more able to cope but my sleep was shocking due to s/e of restless legs.

Thank you all so much, I had awful thoughts swirling in my head all weekend and I genuinely felt quite worried at some of them.

Having struggled to be a mum I still cannot comprehend how anyone could treat the most precious bond like this.

On a plus note I sacked Tepilo today! Planning some therapeutic paintwork touch ups for half term and finding a newererer and real better estate agent.

OP I get restless legs too, it is maddening! Plus AI had immunology treatment with ivf with donor eggs (failed). We had already had dd with iui and we adopted ds 3 years ago.

Please keep posting if it helps. Hugs

Lots of similar things, Italian - where did you have your IVF?

IT sounds like you understand your own history really well, OP. Well done! Don't try and tough it out too long, it's good to get help. Enjoy your snugly pup and DCs!

Re restless legs - magnesium supplements cured me - please ask if safe to take alongside your meds. Calcium, vit D and good multivit also, for good measure x

Under doctor advice, of course..