To wish I could walk away from my career to avoid exposing what a fuck wit I am?

[Chocwocdoodah]

I'm freelance. Posted before in work section about my lack of self confidence as I know I'm crap at my job. Lots of lovely MNers replied to say it was just imposter syndrome and that I wouldn't keep getting renewed contracts if I was that bad. Which was comforting and sweet....but I'm pretty convinced it's not true and I AM actually that person at work who is just shit.

Got an email on Fri from boss (who was WFH) to me and my manager, also WFH. Basically a mistake has been made by me, but it was a mistake approved by my manager so we're both in the wrong (although I'm not looking to shift blame). This mistake potentially ruins a project and means something my boss has been working on for a few weeks is pointless. I replied, after consulting with my manager by email, explaining what went wrong and how we thought it could still all be ok (er not sure that's true). Boss has not replied and I am dreading facing him in person tomorrow. Especially if my manager's not there to back me up. Felt sick all wknd. Despite all my experience, I don't know the best way to remedy things. Plus there are a couple of other situations at work that I really don't know how to handle. And I should. It's what I was hired for.

I'm just no good at what I do. I've just been lucky. I seriously need to find another career but nothing is going to be as well paid and flexible as this. Either that or be a SAHM (would love that! ). Come to think of it, I've always been a bit clueless and scatty in any job I've had. I just want to run away.

Not sure what I'm asking you for here. Think I'm hoping that by venting my fears, the work gods will shine down on me and all will be ok....

PS sorry to be a bit cryptic about my work...don't want to be too outing.

That's so lovely, Twinkly.

Wishiwasacollie
Meditation doesn't take long. If you can spare 3 minutes a day, you can have a useful meditation practise.

If you need help to start, there are some good guided meditation apps. I have buddhify on my iPhone. I really like it, but I can now meditate quite well without it. A lot of people like headspace, but that is a subscription service and I wasn't sure how much I'd use it.

I can't really describe how useful it has been to help me reclaim my mind. I have done several things to try and help me manage the brain fog and motivational issues that I've been struggling with. I've improved my diet and sleep and looked into productivity tips. But I believe the meditation has been key. I wish I had started doing it years ago.

So, my manager and boss have had a mtg and I can only assume they discussed it and the situation's been diffused. Or, the response I originally gave my boss via email when he raised the issue was enough to satisfy him?

In the meantime, my manager asked for a "quick word" - he quickly told me that they'll be advertising for a perm additional person in our team and he'd like me to apply for it.. .?!?

Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't make you a failure. Sounds as though your manager thinks you're good even with the mistake. Go you!

Chocwoc you have had some good advice here and I know I am only just hopping on, but I think some professional coaching might help you externalise some of the pressures you are facing. Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person, or bad at your job. It may well be that the process is poor, if it allows mistakes like that.

You owned your mistake and you actually cared. That's all in your favour and it sounds like your manager respects you for it. Well done you

Thank you both. Yes, I agree some kind of coaching and some of the self help suggestions people have made would probably help a lot - sounds like they've worked for others on here.

Interesting notion of imposter syndrome. Do you think this is because organisations expect for too much for what they're willing to pay? Or is it that some people are not as good at bullshitting than others? I don't think I've ever worked with a good senior leader, but none of them would ever admit to it.

I think I'm learning that some people are very good at bullshitting and are perfectly comfortable to do so. I'm just not confident enough to blag it that much.

I wonder if your integrity on not shifting blame and suggesting a resolution has made a positive impression, alongside having made no previous cock ups? It sounds like it to me.

I have imposter syndrome too. It took a lot for me to cultivate a 'give no fucks' attitude, and if I ever make a cock up I refuse to take it personally now (I used to), stick to the facts and calmly resolve to sort things out.

It doesn't stop me ruminating about it until the situation is sorted, but my manager has rarely had to call into question anything I have done. He quietly acknowledges the good work I do and I save those emails in my pdp - when I feel low or like an impostor I open the file and reread the emails praising a good piece of work or a project well done.

Where I am we have some seriously shite contractors, and the good ones don't want to stick around long term. You sound like a good one because you actually care if you fuck up - the shite ones couldn't give a shit.

It's nice to hear that a lot of you value the fact that I give a shit. I must say, though I've freelanced a long time, I've always been made to feel part of the team and so have always acted that way.

Blatant comment so I remember to come back and read the advice.

I' started a new job last year, after a couple of months a massive problem came to light that had been going on for years and had never been my responsibility to check. I worked really hard to get to the bottom of it and put in processes that it doesn't happen again. I still feel like it's my fault. That I majorly fucked up. It had nothing to do with me, but I still feel like a failure and that they'll realise that I shouldn't work there.

Argh - after a week or so of feeling ok at work, a potential situation is arising tomorrow in which I'm bound to be asked some questions I don't know the answer to. So I'm feeling anxious and sick again....the cycle continues..

But the main reason I've posted again is I saw my brother the other day and completely unprompted he told me he was stressed at work because he feels exactly the same as I've described to you all here. He was amazed when I said I knew exactly what he was talking about as I felt the same. We then went on to compare similar situations we've experienced at work that make us feel totally shit and incompetent. I could see just how much it's knocking his confidence. I feel really bad for him as he feels it hinders him just as much as I think it does me.

It made us both wonder - is this a genetic thing? Are our brains wired the same way that makes us completely shite at processing and retaining information???

In the meantime, my manager asked for a "quick word" - he quickly told me that they'll be advertising for a perm additional person in our team and he'd like me to apply for it..
Well done there. Whether or not you decide to apply, give yourself a big pat on the back and take it as a compliment. They asked so must feel that you are capable and already doing a good job.

Consultants are supposed to be experts, that's why they get paid the big bucks. If you're hampering rather than guiding you should get out before you ruin your reputation. Go for a perm role you can def do then develop your skills so you can go into consulting later