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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could walk away from my career to avoid exposing what a fuck wit I am?

89 replies

Chocwocdoodah · 05/02/2017 23:18

I'm freelance. Posted before in work section about my lack of self confidence as I know I'm crap at my job. Lots of lovely MNers replied to say it was just imposter syndrome and that I wouldn't keep getting renewed contracts if I was that bad. Which was comforting and sweet....but I'm pretty convinced it's not true and I AM actually that person at work who is just shit.

Got an email on Fri from boss (who was WFH) to me and my manager, also WFH. Basically a mistake has been made by me, but it was a mistake approved by my manager so we're both in the wrong (although I'm not looking to shift blame). This mistake potentially ruins a project and means something my boss has been working on for a few weeks is pointless. I replied, after consulting with my manager by email, explaining what went wrong and how we thought it could still all be ok (er not sure that's true). Boss has not replied and I am dreading facing him in person tomorrow. Especially if my manager's not there to back me up. Felt sick all wknd. Despite all my experience, I don't know the best way to remedy things. Plus there are a couple of other situations at work that I really don't know how to handle. And I should. It's what I was hired for.

I'm just no good at what I do. I've just been lucky. I seriously need to find another career but nothing is going to be as well paid and flexible as this. Either that or be a SAHM (would love that! ). Come to think of it, I've always been a bit clueless and scatty in any job I've had. I just want to run away.

Not sure what I'm asking you for here. Think I'm hoping that by venting my fears, the work gods will shine down on me and all will be ok....

PS sorry to be a bit cryptic about my work...don't want to be too outing.

OP posts:
Foxysoxy01 · 07/02/2017 09:33

OP could you take the bull by the horns and speak to big manager without your manager as they are off sick?
All this putting it off must be making it so much worse. It's crap with it hanging over you and would be better to step up and get it over with.

Is there anything you can do outside of work? Like see if you could shadow a more experienced consultant for a bit? If you could do a few hours a week with them and explain what part of the job you need refreshing on it may help your confidence etc?

ShotsFired · 07/02/2017 09:41

Foxy is right. Come on OP, seize the day, grab the bull by the horns and face the fear (and any other suitable metaphors!)

It will not be as bad as you think, and if all else fails, remember this: the person who isn't at the meeting gets all the actions. i.e. your manager.

hutchblue · 07/02/2017 09:53

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

LittleL232 · 07/02/2017 09:57

You are my people.

MumBod · 07/02/2017 09:57

I've always been shit at jobs too. I just don't have the required attention to detail/logical brain/ability to plan that efficiency requires.

I don't like that about myself.

Albadross · 07/02/2017 10:57

Also my people. I'm being assessed for ASD primarily because no matter what I do, I just can't navigate the way things work in my role. I'm the classic 'hasn't lived up to potential' and my manager thinks I've 'got too comfortable' when I spent the entire year stumbled from one mistake to the next and genuinely having no idea how it keeps happening.

wasonthelist · 07/02/2017 11:03

Another WFH here with imposter syndrome. Not much I can say to help OP but very reassuring to read these posts.

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 11:58

Think I love you all a little bit.

Mumbod - yes that's exactly what I feel like! IT's like I can't retain the information I need to carry out simple processes to do with my job.

Albadross - would be interested to hear more about ASD...

OP posts:
Munted · 07/02/2017 12:10

I hear you. I keep thinking 'do men feel like this?' Probably not - or nowhere near the extent to which women do. I have to try really hard not to beat myself up too much, to shake myself off and move on. Weirdly, I have no issue dishing out this type of advice to junior colleagues- I just struggle in the execution of it myself!

Hang in there OP

picklemepopcorn · 07/02/2017 12:30

I am in a similar position.

You know how you feel you'll never be in the job long enough to get it right? That you long to be good at something? That's me too. I wonder if I'm dyslexic/dyspraxic etc, because I really ought to be better at stuff... I just get totally overwhelmed. I'm thinking about leaving my job...

SleepIsForLosers · 07/02/2017 12:50

I don't know whether to feel comfort or despair that so many people feel the same as me! I'm guessing that your self doubt and low confidence is likely to make you anxious in any job until you are able to perhaps pinpoint what it is that makes you feel like this and learn (and believe) some more positive self talk. The earlier suggestion of meditation could really help to give you a bit of quiet time from the anxiety and loops of negativity, even just for 10 minutes a day. I've heard great things about the headspace app.

I've felt this way for many years now. I think it's a mixture of social anxiety (feeling like a child playing at being a grown up most of the time) and feeling like my head is too muddled and chaotic to ever retain information or become good at anything. I just spend most of my time trying not to forget anything too major and still I usually do anyway. I've actually wondered whether I'm a bit deficient in something, vitamins etc, as my head is always so foggy, and I worry I've become a really dull person, like there's no room for anything interesting or character developing in my brain anymore! I'm dreading going back to work later this year after maternity leave as this will be our last baby and the thought of future periods of mat leave has really helped me get through the past four or five years!

Good luck with the rest of your week OP Flowers

blueshoes · 07/02/2017 12:52

OP: " I feel like I could do a job for 50 years and still never get to that point - it's like I just have an inability to absorb and retain information and then apply it."

I have to say I don't really understand this. If this is the case, then it is like you are unable to learn or execute effectively. Has this ever come up at school or in a different context or is it just at work?

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 13:23

Thank you everyone.

Sleep - "I worry I've become a really dull person, like there's no room for anything interesting or character developing in my brain anymore!"

This. Definitely this. And God yes, the prospect of mat leave got me through some tough times too. And the feeling like a child thing, yes, I feel that too.

Blueshoes - its never come up before but it's like as I get older, my ability to keep information in my brain is diminishing. A non work example is I was among a group of people who were discussing whether they liked a particular book, one I'd also read. I really wanted to join in their conversation and tell them I didn't like it.....but I couldn't because I couldn't remember a single thing about why I didn't like it. That's pretty much how I am.

Sounds like a few of us should set up some kind of 'imposter' group!!!

OP posts:
SleepIsForLosers · 07/02/2017 14:19

I totally get that with books. I'm too tired to read now since having babies anyway but even with books that I loved I'd struggle to tell you any details about them. My value base is quite feminist/lefty but I rarely discuss politicals with anyone as I'd struggle to make an intelligent argument and just sound thick.

Yes, let's start Imposters Unite, where we can all awkwardly shuffle around being inadequate and doubting ourselves!

SleepIsForLosers · 07/02/2017 14:20

*politics

MumBod · 07/02/2017 14:30

Sleep

Hello, I think I'm you.

pandarific · 07/02/2017 19:11

How did it go today OP? Did you have the meeting?

Flisstizzy · 07/02/2017 19:22

Are they waiting for the Manager to return off sick before they hold the meeting?
I have experienced working with contractors myself (who are paid a lot more money than the normal 'staff'), and it's pretty galling if a contractor is making mistakes and the 'staff' are having to resolve it.
you need to think of a way you can get this relevant experience and close your knowledge gaps. I do think you have imposter syndrome too though.
In my experience the one who signs off / approves is equally as responsible. Good luck!

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 19:42

Well for most of today it was just the boss and me....and he said nothing. We chatted just before home time but about something else. So I guess he's waiting for my manager to come back?

OP posts:
engineersthumb · 07/02/2017 19:53

The only people who don't make mistakes are those that don't do anything!
I've felt a little like this at times during my career but I think everyone does. If all else fails: if they are silly enough to pay then you should be polite enough to accept!

Charley50 · 07/02/2017 20:03

Threads like this make me so nosey. What do you actually do? What are you a consultant in?
Obviously you probably won't/ can't say...

Twinklyfaerieglade · 07/02/2017 20:08

OP you might be overthinking. If you had really made such a big mistake the "big" manager would have almost certainly mentioned it. If not they certainly would have been off with you. Managed so many people in my time and I, nor any of my peers would have friendly chat with someone we were annoyed with.
On the imposter syndrome I had a business coach, when I was aiming to become the most senior person in my organisation. I confessed to him that I was unsure if I was good enough, and sometimes I felt a bit fake. He told me it was completely normal. I got that job, did it well and now I have left realise I was as good as any other CEO in my industry and better than many. Don't let your inner voice limit you.

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 20:57

Charley let's just say it's in the media sort of field.

Twinkly - wow, the idea of being a CEO makes me almost puke instantly! I'm impressed!

OP posts:
wishiwasacollie · 07/02/2017 21:10

Imposters unite. Count me in. Some great advice here. I would look at meditation but feel i xant spare the time. CBT ditto. Thanfully my other half is wonderful. Says just a job. I still love you. You are not defined by your job. Then he is off to work and i am left wfh and stressy....great i am not alone. Thank you all

Twinklyfaerieglade · 07/02/2017 21:39

Choc you would be amazed what people you see as in control are really thinking Wink. Since I retired I have laughed at how much BS everyone spouts, including me back in the day
If I were your mentor, I would say you are too hard on yourself and too honest. You wouldn't ever BS yourself out of blame, that is clear from your posts, but you are too willing to take blame which others should share.
You are competent, contract renewals wouldn't happen if you weren't. Be kind and don't make any decisions about your future which are not totally right for you Flowers