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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I could walk away from my career to avoid exposing what a fuck wit I am?

89 replies

Chocwocdoodah · 05/02/2017 23:18

I'm freelance. Posted before in work section about my lack of self confidence as I know I'm crap at my job. Lots of lovely MNers replied to say it was just imposter syndrome and that I wouldn't keep getting renewed contracts if I was that bad. Which was comforting and sweet....but I'm pretty convinced it's not true and I AM actually that person at work who is just shit.

Got an email on Fri from boss (who was WFH) to me and my manager, also WFH. Basically a mistake has been made by me, but it was a mistake approved by my manager so we're both in the wrong (although I'm not looking to shift blame). This mistake potentially ruins a project and means something my boss has been working on for a few weeks is pointless. I replied, after consulting with my manager by email, explaining what went wrong and how we thought it could still all be ok (er not sure that's true). Boss has not replied and I am dreading facing him in person tomorrow. Especially if my manager's not there to back me up. Felt sick all wknd. Despite all my experience, I don't know the best way to remedy things. Plus there are a couple of other situations at work that I really don't know how to handle. And I should. It's what I was hired for.

I'm just no good at what I do. I've just been lucky. I seriously need to find another career but nothing is going to be as well paid and flexible as this. Either that or be a SAHM (would love that! ). Come to think of it, I've always been a bit clueless and scatty in any job I've had. I just want to run away.

Not sure what I'm asking you for here. Think I'm hoping that by venting my fears, the work gods will shine down on me and all will be ok....

PS sorry to be a bit cryptic about my work...don't want to be too outing.

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 06/02/2017 08:48

Exactly the same Wish - everytime my phone rings, or the emails start, I get the 'knot'. And yet I CAN do my job, and very well. Its purely my own insecurities making me feel I can't. Good luck OP

TSSDNCOP · 06/02/2017 08:50

You say you have a plan to fix it? Get in and push that. If I was your boss I'd be pleased you'd got your thinking hat on.

Also how did the problem happen. What measures will you put in place to stop it happening again? Again if I was boss I'd appreciate you'd reflected on that.

Your managers a chicken. Off sick my old auntie. At least you've got the integrity to go in and sort it out.

heron98 · 06/02/2017 08:51

I feel like you. I've been shit at every job I've had.

My way of dealing with it is not to care. I am not a brain surgeon, so my mistakes are, in the grand scheme of things, not the end of the world. No one dies. The world keeps turning.

coxsorangepippin · 06/02/2017 08:51

It's very possible to have imposter syndrome and skills/knowledge gaps and make mistakes. I know all three are big features of my working life! I also have some anxiety issues generally. So I wonder if you would be happier in your current field, but in-house rather than consulting/freelance? For me it's a much better fit to be with a permanent team, even compared to just internal project-work.

Good luck today.

teaandakitkat · 06/02/2017 08:54

At least you have turned up this morning. The boss knows fine well the other person is not sick. You'll be fine x

EssentialHummus · 06/02/2017 08:55

It's a mistake. Mistakes happen.Nobody died.Go in, take the bull by the horns as it were, find the boss, listen to what he has to say.

Exactly. I've been there (lawyer, so mistakes can have far-reaching implications). Go in, listen, be as proactive as possible about what you can do to fix the situation.

Further down the line, have a think about whether you need a different job/style of job/field/client that better suits your way of working.

It will be fine. Flowers

Charley50 · 06/02/2017 09:01

How do you think David Cameron feels? Grin
Sorry haven't rtft but I sometimes feel like this too, but I have successes as well as failures in my job and try not to worry too much.

origamiwarrior · 06/02/2017 09:02

Good luck today. I've been in similar situations so I know that feeling :(

The80sweregreat · 06/02/2017 09:07

let us know how you get on today on here. Good luck and try not to get too down. We're all only human, as pointed out above and people mess up. its life.

OllyBJolly · 06/02/2017 09:11

I've never found myself in a situation where I've thought "Yes, I absolutely know what to do here

this probably describes most successful people I know! If you work with people, you will never "absolutely know what to do". And people make mistakes even when they do know what to do. That's just life.

What's the worst that can happen? Assuming it's not bad enough for you to be sued, and the worst is that the contract is terminated, you just move on. There will be other clients.

What's likely to happen is that the client is angry, takes it out on you, and then you focus on finding a fix.

Hope you have a good day

Cromwell1536 · 06/02/2017 09:19

Good luck today, OP. Have you read Lean In? The blessed Sheryl talks about impostor syndrome and fear bedevilling people (well, especially women) at work. You wouldn't keep getting contracts if you were bad at your job, as others have pointed out. BUT - constantly feeling anxious and unhappy about work is no way to live. And might be contributing to the blockage you're experiencing in processing information and applying it. Maybe a permanent inhouse role would give you the time to get to know the ground properly, and take on training/education to fill the gaps in your knowledge. You'd bring good skills to an inhouse role from your perspective as a consultant - a more entrepreneurial approach to what your skill set can bring to a project, for example. But do something, because burnout is where you're headed now.

EurusHolmesViolin · 06/02/2017 09:27

You say you don't get training- can you buy some? Pay a person to fill in the gaps? I believe training expenses are tax deductible for certain types of employment.

Goodasgoldilox · 06/02/2017 09:43

Everyone makes mistakes - however good they are.
Not everyone faces the music when they have done something wrong.
You are impressive.

wishiwasacollie · 06/02/2017 10:58

For those mentioning inhouse....doesnt help. The fear is still there. I think if i changed to something else i would still have it...no matter how basic and easy the job. Outwardly people think you are goid. Its the inner perception. So many wise words here. Taking comfort from the fact i am not alone and neither are you OP.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/02/2017 11:29

I could have written your post. I am a middle manager in the civil service and am told I am good at my job and tipped for promotion. I am also very successful as a union rep (lead negotiator for my department and the ndpbs that are linked to it) but every day I feel I am winging it with the day job. I know I'm a great union rep, and that gives me the most job satisfaction. I find that the day job exposes me and I am not very confident. What has helped is CBT and realising that most people in my team feel exactly the same as me, they are anxious and on edge every day. While it doesn't help with knowing how to do my job, I am comforted by knowing I'm not alone, and we have started a mutual mentoring network to support each other with difficult projects.

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 06/02/2017 13:31

Such kind words, I could cry. Boss not in today either so no music-facing yet. Yes at least I can hold my head up and say I will accept blame when I have to and not try to shift it.

Capricorn - harsh but fair. You're right, I'm paid to know what I'm doing and it's not fair if I don't. To be fair, despite finding myself feeling like this many times over the years, I've not yet actually made any major fuck ups - but I'm clearly going to come a cropper sooner or later.

Counselling is a good suggestion. I really need to identify what I would be good at and learn how to focus on it and actually retain knowledge.

I could get some training but the kind of stuff I'm not so good at is more the type you learn on the job. I think possibly because I started freelancing at a junior-ish level ( didn't intend to - thats another story) and then just found myself doing it from then on, there were cetrain elements of the job I just didn't experience as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 06/02/2017 13:33

My sympathy to those of you who feel the same - but it's good to know I'm not alone!

I often daydream about winning the lottery, not for the riches but just so I could not work and wouldn't have to feel like this anymore.

OP posts:
wishiwasacollie · 07/02/2017 07:25

Thinking of you today chocwoc. Sitting here shaking telling myself today will be fine....its just a job...i work to live...noone dies....

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 08:07

Oh Wish - do you feel like that every day??

Thank you - I'm feeling the same at the mo...

OP posts:
Diemme · 07/02/2017 09:04

I spent 6 years feeling the way you do OP. The stress was destroying me. I jumped ship and it's truly the best thing I've ever done, work wise. I work in health care. I won't give full details that would identify me but an equivalent would be something like an A&E nurse moving to a job in geriatrics where the pace is much slower. I get how you feel. It doesn't matter how many people try to console you, only you know deep inside that a role isn't right for you. Based on my own experience I'd say yes, walk away. But not from the entire career you've worked so hard to establish. Start thinking of something which would use your skills but with less pressure. The right job is definitely out there x

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 09:05

Manager off again. Feel sick.

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 07/02/2017 09:10

That would suggest to me that the manager feels like they are more responsible than you and is throwing sickies to avoid facing up to it.

PastaOfMuppets · 07/02/2017 09:24

Holy moly this is difficult reading. It is my situation almost to a T. OP, hugs. It feels awful, doesn't it. Gin

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 07/02/2017 09:29

Thanks Diemme. There is one element of my job that I do feel I'm good at and is a transferable skill. I'm trying to work out how I copyists specialise in that.

Shotsfired - I'd like to believe that's not the case but you might be right.

Boss has arrived and is sitting a few feet away. ...I've said hello but can barely look at him....I feel like a 5 year old.....

OP posts:
DontAskIDontKnow · 07/02/2017 09:31

You do have imposter syndrome and it is a shit thing to have.

I've had it for years. It's probably the reason I'm so highly qualified. I don't think I'd dare do my job if I couldn't remind myself that I'm technically an expert in my field and I have the paperwork to prove it.

For the last few years I've been working from home part-time and it has really become difficult. I feel like I'm coming out of a really bad patch now, but I know my performance review next week is going to be bad. I've never had a bad review, so I'm preparing myself.

What's helped me:
Pomodoros, to help me get in with work.
Lists, where I write down the next 5-6 things I need to do before lunch and at the end of the day. Then I tick them off.
Meditation, this has been invaluable. I have got some control back over my wandering mind and the negative thoughts.
Growth mindset, reading and watching material by Carol Dweck has given me a different perspective on learning and 'being clever enough'.

I have also just completed a free OU course on effective business communication. It helped me to realise that a lot of my issues are lack of face-to-face contact with my work colleagues and how difficult it makes it to build relationships. I have real issues with picking up the phone to ask for help and I miss out on so many small details. As a freelancer you probably feel quite isolated. Isolation + imposter syndrome is not a good combination.

I am coming out of the bad patch. I feel quite positive and back in control. I hope you find a way to get control back.

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