To be anxious about dd staying with mil?

[Realitea]

Dd is 6 and mil wants to have her overnight without me and dh. She would also be looking after her other grand child who's younger.
Dd is not a good sleeper and the other grand child and her wind each other up a lot. I'd rather not let her go alone as I don't think mil would cope and be able to keep an eye on them at all times as she'd be on her own. It's a big house with a lot of massive old furniture and I'm worrying myself silly imagining all the dangers with them getting up to no good together, climbing said furniture and it falling on them and just generally not being properly supervised.
Apparently I'm being a real stick in the mud about this.
Aibu?

Corythatwas very good point. Mine is learned behaviour from my mother and I don't want to pass it on.

You aren't happy about it, so I'd say it doesn't happen. I wouldn't want mine to stay away from me at a distance at that age. My 75 year old nan will very occasionally have 1 of my children but she is very local and they have always been happy to go there and it was never a 'thing' that she had to have them alone. I think that's weird and I'd wonder why she was so admant. Plus 75 is elderly fgs. Ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

Are there any restaurants/naice pubs near you MIL's?

Could you exaggerate how much you've been dying to go there for a meal and could MiL possibly do you the favour of babysitting DD overnight? And of course if you could put me and DH up for the night that would be great too...

It's not the age of the Mil it's the type of person she is- my mother and Mil are only 3 years different in age but decades apart in attitude!

I don't see why mil wants to have her stay overnight without you there?
To what end? What's the point? If you have to take her there and it's hours away, what are you going to do? Turn round and go home?
Come back and collect her the next day? It doesn't appear to make any sense.
My mil looked after my dc overnight a few times between ages of about 3 and 10 but she came to our house to do it as I was all geared up for the job and her house has loads of trinkets and ornaments around - she herself suggested it was easier that way. She was also in her early 60s so much younger than yours.
In your position I doubt I would fall in with these plans.

A six year old shouldn't need a fireguard!!

I disagree with that. Accidents happen. Kids trip and fall. Mine did anyway.

I was only commenting on that as someone was surprised I'd said 75 was elderly. She is very old fashioned whereas my mother who's the same age passes for late fifties and has a very different attitude!
I'm going to stand up for myself with this one. I won't be pushed around. Unless dd is adamant that she wants to go for it

Next week, during half term, I will be having my 6 & 7 yr old DGD and my 3 yr old DGS (different families) to stay over on the same night. I don't know who's more excited, them or me! I hope my DD and DIL aren't agonising over the sleep over!
I remember the case about a child dying after heavy old furniture fell on them, the fact I remember it is because it is so very rare. Hundreds of grandchildren must stay over with their grandparents and the worst that happens to them is not enough sleep and too much sugar! Try hard not to worry and learn to let go a little.

I disagree with that. Accidents happen. Kids trip and fall. Mine did anyway

Oh dear, I meant they tripped and fell now and again. But never into a fireplace I hasten to add!!!

I think YABU.

As PP have said my favourite childhood memories are of staying over at my grannies with my cousins when we were children.

You mention that the 3 year old has stayed over before. Has there ever been an incident to make you feel this way. Do the 3 yr olds parents live near gran? Could you stay with them so your closer for piece of mind?

Has your child ever had a night away from you or is it just staying at MILs that you have issue with?

If you just don't want to have a night away from DD then just say that, there's no wrong or right, you are her mother at the end of the day.

6??
God, my child didn't get to 6 months without my mil having her on her own and then 8 months overnight.
Not that I was comfortable with it but she survived!

If you don't need her to to without you then don't do it. You're mum you're the boss it doesn't matter if it's irrational to anyone else if you'll be worried the whole time why an earth would you out yourself through that.

In my home town a family was ripped apart because grandparents were looking after a little girl and she drowned in their pond in the garden. Accidents do happen and if you have any worries you're better off being cautious. Mum's know best and I'm a big believe in trust your instincts.

To avoid upset I would say it's because you would worry the whole time and don't feel your daughter would be emotionally ready to sleep away without you. Then she becomes unreasonable to put you or her granddaughter in that position if she objects or takes offence because she should have your best interest at heart.

She'd have no more fun or less fun without you there either.

Always trust your instincts and remember you are boss you know what's best and regardless of whether anyone else thinks of your logic (or lack of) it's what you are comfortable with that matters. Those who love you should support you in your choices even if they disagree if they don't I wouldn't question their agendas.

6 ?? I'd expect a 6 year old to be able to contain herself a little tbh. Does she have some sort of special needs that you haven't mentioned ??

I wouldn't want to be 3 hours away on her first sleepover - it's too far to get her if she is upset.

Has your DD had sleepovers with others closer to you? How was she on them?

If she's had no sleepovers local to you, it's a bit much to have her first one 3 hours away. You and more importantly, your DD, will not know how she will react to being away from home for the first time.

And wouldn't you be spending 12 hours in the car (or train or whatever) in the space of two days to facilitate this sleepover? Staying nearby is the sensible thing to do if you want to give DD the opportunity of trying it.

Have to admit I was wondering the same, Bastard. I would have been pretty unimpressed if I'd sent my 6yo off to a relative and they went climbing on the furniture. Particularly if I had impressed on them how rude it is.

Anyway, OP, whatever you decide about this particular instance, you probably will want to think over your future approach, as you recognise that there is a bit of a learnt anxiety issue here.

Would it help you to start thinking about your dd as someone with a bit more agency iyswim, somebody who can gradually get used to making responsible choices? Do you encourage her to be independent at home, or do you think you do maybe baby her a bit? Can she do things for herself, do you involve her in everyday decisions and discussions? Would it help you if you gave her more chances to prove how capable she is? Maybe involve her with cooking or DIY or something else that you can use to practise sensible thinking with her? Children this age often grow with responsibility. Just a thought.

A six year old shouldn't need a fireguard!!

Are you mad? Homes with open fires should have fireguards if there are any children around.

Why on earth would you take the risk?

I completely sympathise OP, a similar thing happened where I live, a small child fell and landed on an object which broke killing the toddler. My MIL had four huge windows with window ledges which were not only low enough for my toddlers to reach, they were also covered in this same object which meant that when I was there I didn't let my toddlers play there at all. MIL however had no such qualms. Given previous proof of complete lack of common sense both in raising my dh and in her interactions with our DC, I would just not have relaxed at all! Particularly with my at the time severe anxiety. Other issues caused us to become forcibly estranged so we have never had the experience of our children staying over.

If you really fear that your daughter will be in danger, can you suggest that your dh takes her on his own? If your dh is happy that his Mum is coping then he can come home to you and leave your daughter with his Mum.

"Always trust your instincts and remember you are boss you know what's best and regardless of whether anyone else thinks of your logic (or lack of) it's what you are comfortable with that matters. "

Given that the OP herself has said that her anxiety is learnt behaviour from her mother- are you sure this approach is always helpful, Jennifer? If her mother has left her with anxiety issues which she does not want to pass onto her dd, then maybe that shows that a mother's instincts aren't always right.

She may well be right in the present instance, not saying she isn't, but a blanket "mother's instincts are always right" can lead to all sorts of problems.

YTABU A 6yr old would be fine overnight with a 75 year old. Worst thing that could happen is feeling a bit lonely/weird at bed time but if she's had a new and exciting day she should sleep like a baby.

Also, why do fathers never get a say in this sort of scenario yet mn constamtly moans that they never pull their weight and it's their chils too!!??

70 year old granny of 8 here. My advice is to go with your instinct and don't let her stay. You know your child, the other child and your MiL. I would guess that your MiL has a rosy coloured view of looking after two children.

I have taken care of between 1 and 4 grandchildren at a time. Sometimes. for overnights Sometimes up to a week. It is hard work. When the eldest ones started to stay i was in my 40s and it was easy. This last few years it has got harder looking after the littler ones. They are well behaved children but mentally and physically I am no longer up to it. Nowadays I only babysit at their own houses.

Your child's safety takes precedence over all other considerations.

i spoke to dh this morning and he got cross with me and said he can't see why it's a problem and he wants to tell mil that dd can't stay because I don't trust mil!
Very nice of him.
I tried to remind him that dd has said a few times she only wants to stay there if we are there too but it seems to be more about what mil wants rather than dd.
I think he'll end up staying there with her and a rather bitter taste has been left over it all. Quite unnecessarily I think.

Yes, the honest answer that she just doesn't want to is a lot nicer than saying 'sorry MIL but doubtfuldaphne doesn't want dd to stay with you because she doesn't trust you'! DH seems intent on making me come across as awful for some reason