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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about dd staying with mil?

102 replies

Realitea · 05/02/2017 19:12

Dd is 6 and mil wants to have her overnight without me and dh. She would also be looking after her other grand child who's younger.
Dd is not a good sleeper and the other grand child and her wind each other up a lot. I'd rather not let her go alone as I don't think mil would cope and be able to keep an eye on them at all times as she'd be on her own. It's a big house with a lot of massive old furniture and I'm worrying myself silly imagining all the dangers with them getting up to no good together, climbing said furniture and it falling on them and just generally not being properly supervised.
Apparently I'm being a real stick in the mud about this.
Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 05/02/2017 19:51

Gah! This is so hard! Really I'd feel better if we stayed over too but I can tell she's fed up of not being trusted. The younger one is really hard work, they fight, they get up to all sorts. I said to dh I don't feel comfortable with it and he got pretty annoyed. I think they've already arranged it without me knowing and now they're cross that I don't feel happy about it

OP posts:

Seeingadistance · 05/02/2017 19:53

Are these children in the habit of climbing on furniture?

NavyandWhite · 05/02/2017 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2jenny · 05/02/2017 19:55

Is there any real need for your dd to stay overnight with your mil? If not, why do it? Seriously, it is not really necessary at age 6, is it?

EmeraldIsland · 05/02/2017 19:56

75 isn't quite elderly!

Really? What age is then? I wouldn't even add on the 'quite' tbh, 75 is elderly to me.

allowlsthinkalot · 05/02/2017 19:58

You do sound overly anxious. A six year old shouldn't need a fireguard!! She isn't a toddler.

Does she want to go?

I'm usually erring on the side of not sending them. My kids haven't stayed away overnight. But in this case it does sound like it's about your anxiety rather than any risk to dd and you shouldn't let your anxiety hold her back or restrict her life.

Adventures at her Grandma's with her cousin could be one of her best childhood memories!

Original poster

Realitea · 05/02/2017 19:58

I don't see the need really but they live a few hours away and don't see her as much as they'd like although it's quite regular I think. The other child is 3. That's the other thing, if dd gets upset she's a long drive away

OP posts:

FlowLikeAHarpoon · 05/02/2017 19:58

If DD doesn't want to go, and you're concerned about some safety issues in the house, then just don't have her stay there.

Your MIL hopefully should be able to empathise, as you aren't trying to avoid DD staying for anything but good intentions. It's not as if you're doing it to spite her or anything.

allowlsthinkalot · 05/02/2017 19:59

Letting children play in an unstructured way without adults hovering is a positive imo.

SeaCabbage · 05/02/2017 19:59

I agree with a PP. What is the point? Your dd probably won't want to. You are worried about it and yoru MIL doesn't sound like she will cope. Why put your dd at risk? Maybe you could tell your MIL DD doesn't want to or just isn't old enough yet.

How would youfeel about her going on her own without hte other child? does your DH not agree that they will wind each other up and misbehave without a strong adult presence?

Mum2jenny · 05/02/2017 19:59

I just wouldn't until your dd is a bit older, or if you can stay locally in a b&b, so you're available if your dd needs an escape.

DrivingMeBonkers · 05/02/2017 20:01

Does your partner get a say or do you make all the decisions?

allowlsthinkalot · 05/02/2017 20:02

Hmmmm. ..a few hours away makes it slightly different. Can you stay nearby? Have a night away with dh? So that you can get her if necessary. Six is young to be a few hours away.

Ilovecaindingle · 05/02/2017 20:03

She is 6 and it's her grandma. . Presume she knows her a bit?? Sounds a bit ott so can't go. . You said the cousin is only 3 yet her dm ob has no issue with her managing?

Evergreen777 · 05/02/2017 20:09

What does your OH think? It's all very well people telling you she's your child and you can say no, but she's his daughter too. And he probably knows his mother pretty well too. If he's in favour of it, I can't see how it would be reasonable of you to say no. The accident you heard about was a freak event. Children aren't, generally, at risk from playing in grandparents houses. Could you have a look round first if you worry a lot, and warn DD about anything in particular you think is dangerous?

foxyloxy78 · 05/02/2017 20:10

Why are you and dh not allowed to sleep over too? Not like they don't have the room....

Original poster

Realitea · 05/02/2017 20:29

Well that's what I said to dh I can't see why we can't stay too as we always have done. Mil has asked for a couple of years now if she can have dd overnight on her own but either dd or I have said it's not a good idea! It's become 'a thing' now that mil is determined to do which is probably why she organised it with dh while I wasn't there. She has even asked dd herself and dd has said no not on her own! But having the younger one there appears it might be a game changer for dd.
However I think it's a recipe for disaster. The younger one has always stayed there since birth but dd has never done so, we always go everywhere together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 05/02/2017 20:31

Yes partner does have a say but I think both need to agree on something otherwise it's not really fair for the other one. A compromise would surely be for us to stay too but he thinks I'm being incredibly mean saying no. I'm not doing it out of spite though.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 20:35

Couldn't you just threaten your dd with a horrible fate if she even thinks of climbing furniture at your MIL's house? Surely that is really bad behaviour, quite apart from the dangers? At 6 she surely understand this?

NerrSnerr · 05/02/2017 20:42

It's a tough one but parents have to do what they feel comfortable with.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/02/2017 20:42

Yes I have explained to her before. I just think it's too far away, a silly idea when we could all stay and dd would be much happier not being separated from us overnight. I'm going to tell dh this.

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 05/02/2017 20:53

Some of my happiest childhood memories are sleeping over at my granny's with a cousin when I was about 5 or 6.

Evergreen777 · 05/02/2017 20:55

Could you stay in a B&b nearby? That might make you less anxious

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 20:57

Does your dd want to go? It's all very well to say parents have to do what they feel comfortable with, but as your dd gets older you also need to think of what she wants and make sure your anxiety does not restrict her needlessly. Not saying she has to have a sleepover at 6, but as a general point. What you really don't want is her growing up fearful because she takes the message from you that there are risks around every corner.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/02/2017 20:58

Not really and it doesn't make sense when there are spare rooms there. Dh and mil would say I'm being all unnecessary even suggesting it

OP posts:

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