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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that I have a family of grazers who eat nothing but shit.

94 replies

YoureNotCockingHungry · 05/02/2017 19:07

Sorry for the rambly post- trying not to drip feed.

I'm no angel. I eat as much pap as everyone else. I haven't eaten gluten for 20 years having been diagnosed with an intolerance so bread, cakes, biscuits, convenience foods are limited for me.

I have two dc who are easy- they eat whatever I cook and will drink water in between meals. I have one dc who is a nightmare and very fussy- please don't tell me to withhold food from her because she actually will starve herself and had to go to hospital and be put on an IV drip rather that eat food that had moisture in.

The problem is dh he gives in to my fussy dc. He goes out and does a separate shop for them- crisps X36 packets a week, mulripackets of biscuits, salty snacks-and in between 3 square meals he grazes on this stuff constantly- I only noticed this when he started working from home a year ago.

My dc has gone downhill- she's have dental isssues to due poor diet, she's constantly dehydrated and the whinging is unbelievable, she struggles at school and leaves in tears because she's so famished (she leaves 70% of her packed lunch untouched) I'm at the end of my tether. It took me YEARS to get her to the point of eating a healthy balanced diet and now honestly it's all gone to shit.

Sorry to be such a whiney cowbag- just spent two hours cooking to have to put half of it in the bin when I know I'm 45 minutes dh and DC will be gorging on crisps, pepperamis and chocolate.

Dh- If ever he's in charge of the DC NEVER cooks it's always takeout -

For the interests of clarity I could be wrong but I'm not a shit cook. I cook regularly for friends and neighbours .

Oh I feel a bit better now Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
YoureNotCockingHungry · 05/02/2017 20:54

Yes I know.
I need a magic wand. Or to threaten to leave him. Wow my children will love me won't they?

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 05/02/2017 22:29

The "bought more and hid it in the car" thing is ringing alarm bells, taking food out of the bin even though still wrapped - it could be some sort of eating disorder linked to depression. Its just really odd.

BurningBridges · 05/02/2017 22:29

So just to recap, has he been doing this for years or month?

NoCapes · 05/02/2017 22:34

LTB

Seriously

He is abusive
And a twat

Just leave, take your children and protect them from him
They will thank you one day I promise

EurusHolmesViolin · 05/02/2017 22:38

How does he manage to eat so much crap? Is he overweight, what about his teeth?

anklebitersmum · 05/02/2017 23:01

Wow.

Is he spoiling her because he's afraid after the drip incident?

Have you seen Fed Up, Food Matters and Jamie's 'Eat to save your life'? Interesting documentaries to start DH's education into how he genuinely is killing his daughter long term. Supersize Me would go a long way to discouraging the junk binges.

We smoothie a lot of nutrients here-would that be an option for DD perhaps? Big red & green powder from Holland & Barratt contains approx 16 fruit/veg serves per tsp and gets shoved into the nutriblend whizzy thingy with milk/coconut water and random frozen fruits before school.

The biters all love it-even the littlest one, 7, can do her own.

Maybe the two that are healthy eaters would help lead the way too? My DD is a food fiend but she's seen all the docos I mentioned (and many, many more) and is so passionate that it's embarrassing infectious especially when she's excitedly teaching adults about hidden teaspoons of sugar in the supermarket Blush

WeirdAndPissedOff · 06/02/2017 01:03

I was going to say he's just a complete arse, and damaging your kids health without a care for the consequence. I still believe that, but the hiding food and getting it out of the bin stands out to me, as well - that's not normal behaviour.
I wonder if by letting the DC eat what he does it means he doesn't have to acknowledge there's anything wrong with it?

araiwa · 06/02/2017 02:35

maybe i am misreading this but it seems to me that he is giving her the only food she will eat. he doesnt want his daughter to starve.

i think you need to get some serious help for dd and then once she starts eating normally dh wont need to buy her crisps, chocolate all the time

BitOutOfPractice · 06/02/2017 03:11

If say you're DH has some serious issues around food and is either using your dd as an excuse or cover for that. Creating a sort of co-dependency between them to enable his own behaviour. It is really horrible.

Is your DH overweight?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2017 04:15

The "bought more and hid it in the car" thing is ringing alarm bells, taking food out of the bin even though still wrapped - it could be some sort of eating disorder linked to depression. Its just really odd. I agree. That's not normal.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/02/2017 05:01

God, what an utter wanker he is!! Not surprised you're depressed about it, I would be too. And fucking furious, as you clearly are.

Your DD is a 10yo child. She's being a PITA for sure, but she's still a CHILD. He's facilitating this habit, what's he going to do if she starts smoking at 12, drinking at 13, injecting drugs at 16? Is he going to give in to her then as well? What if she starts demanding money all the time, refusing to go to school, refusing to get a job, refusing to do anything to earn her keep - is he going to give in to her all the time on that too?

He's setting her up for a lifetime of misery re. her health and her teeth as well - he's not parenting her at all well :(

I don't know what you do short of getting him to leave - but then a) she might go too, and b) even if she doesn't, she'll still see him unfettered for contact and then you'll have NO control over what he does with her :(

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/02/2017 05:03

araiwa - I don't think you're actually misreading, but missing some of the info - this is the way the DH eats as well. So even if the fussy DD starts to eat normally, the shit food is still going to be in the house because DH eats it. Chances of her not eating shit food if it's available seems very low. He's using her as a "partner in crime" - not as simple as your suggestion.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/02/2017 05:05

And, while I understand the concern re. depression in the DH for removing food from the bin and hiding more in his car, I'd say that's more of a "sticking it to the OP" kind of thing - he Won't Be Told that he can't have it, and since she's thrown it out before, he's hiding it so the she can't do it again. YES I can see that is looks like what happens with alcoholics, but it's also what spoilt brat teenager types do as well.

The OP can probably throw more light on why her DH is the way he is - shit upbringing, maybe, MH issues, maybe - or he's just an arse.

AllTheLight · 06/02/2017 06:58

OP, I suggest you go into the website for the National Centre for Eating Disorders and look up a counsellor in your area. They may be able to help your DD and your DH too.

RoganJosh · 06/02/2017 07:13

In the meantime, could you make food that's a bit easier so it's less upsetting when people don't eat it. I'm just thinking shortcake and bread sounds quite time consuming.
Have they particular dislikes? Eg Sauces, could you cater to them a bit more so that they will eat a part of each meal?
I have to swap some bits about as we have one who won't eat sauces and one who won't eat meat.

A typical meal would be chicken breasts flattened with a rolling pin, fried, served with baked potato, but swapped with baked beans for the fussy one.( This is not at all where we started with food. They were weaned on tuna steak stir fries etc. )

I'm thinking if you cater to them a bit more then they have no excuse for not eating it?

If it's not something they dislike but they haven't eaten much of it then I'll leave it on the table. 30 mins later they say they're hungry and I'll warm it up. Not in a grumpy way, just in a very casual sort of way.

But obviously your husband is the bigger issue here. Sad

Original poster
YoureNotCockingHungry · 06/02/2017 07:34

Thank you
To answer a previous question his health is terrible- he's had four adult teeth extracted and is I think (guessing) 5 stone over weight
He's 5'10 and 18.5 stones

He's ALWAYS eaten like this, I mean lots of shit in addition to three meals I cook- he cannot cook just fries stuff (everything)

It's been more on my radar the last year (he worked away for years Mon-Fri) as he's been based at home and we've had to rein in our finances. The money he spends is staggering.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoureNotCockingHungry · 06/02/2017 07:39

If I leave him- what then?
He'll have them and I'll not have a snowballs chance will I?

They'll come back to me at weekends having had all the treats, back to miserable mum and miserable prison food- I can just see it now- he'd definitely give them stuff to bring home too Hmm

I told dh he had a problem during a fight a while back and suggested he see a specialist he laughed in my face and told me he likes eating chocolate

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 06/02/2017 07:40

He sounds a bit extreme in his behaviour. No logical adult would fail roamed that what he is doing is wrong on lots of levels.It sounds as if he may have a bit of a MH issue around eating himself.
Unfortunately until he recognises that himself he won't change it.
I would sit down with dd on your own and explain to her what will happen if she carries on eating crap. Couch it in terms of her being unhealthy-my DD's are quite hot on wanting to be healthy (it are also helpfully quite sporty, so we can frame anything around food around putting the right fuel in for that kind of thing). Think you need to try and get her on side more, because your h seems a bit unreachable on this at the minute.

NoCapes · 06/02/2017 07:44

If you leave him, then you tell solicitors and courts about his abusive behaviour and he won't have them unsupervised

Zippidydoodah · 06/02/2017 07:54

What a shit situation, op Sad

He is being a twat but it also sounds as if he's got food issues himself. I've been practically in tears begging my dp not to give our dc yet more chocolate (at bedtime, ffs) because he has tendencies but is nowhere near on the scale of your dh.

Sorry j can't be more helpful Flowers

Skooba · 06/02/2017 07:58

This is a bit like smoking.

Everyone knows it could kill you, if not that will most likely seriously affect your health in later years - but still people do it.

I wonder if it's because you don't like or love yourself much. So counselling is what might help him but doubt he would happily go.

But to 'kill' your kids along with you is baaaaad.

If it was me I think I would be so angry I would consider leaving.

ssd · 06/02/2017 08:22

he sounds hellish op

dataandspot · 06/02/2017 08:39

36 packets of crisps between one adult and three children?

That's 9 over a week? That's not awful?

PollyPerky · 06/02/2017 08:41

You need to sort out your marriage. Parents should be singing from the same hymn sheet most of the time.

What's his excuse for this?

PollyPerky · 06/02/2017 08:43

Sounds as if he's trying to 'normalise' his own eating habits and obesity by getting your kids on board so they end up the same. He def needs professional help.

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