To ask if any of you stayed together for the sake of the children

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

Just that really and how do you feel now? Did it work out? Was it worth it?

it's hard isn't it. I think it's generally harder for men. if you're very involved in your child's life and then you have to go down to seeing them every other weekend and maybe a day in the week then it might just be worth staying put. the loss of the child might be the worst of the two options.
very few men get main custody.

That depends on the age of the children. Certainly by the time they are teenagers they might choose to live with the father.

it's hard isn't it. I think it's generally harder for men. if you're very involved in your child's life and then you have to go down to seeing them every other weekend and maybe a day in the week then it might just be worth staying put. the loss of the child might be the worst of the two options.
very few men get main custody.

That depends on the age of the children. Certainly by the time they are teenagers they might choose to live with the father.

Don't. Honestly. The people I know who are the most fucked up about relationships had parents who stayed together allegedly for their sake. Worst thing they could have done

The people I know who are fucked up about relationships all had parents who divorced at least once. Many also had a hard time with stepfamilies and less opportunity for financial reasons. There's no simple answer really.

I think if the relationship is toxic yes splitting up is the best. In my case I'm not in love with him and despite trying to communicate how I feel he hasn't changed but the kids are happy. We don't argue or anything but it's like living with a friend. In our case we have two children with Sen so splitting up might well cause more issues and although I would've liked to find someone I'm more suited to and appreciated by I've made my peace that this is my life.

I know when they're teenagers it might be easier, but for a lot of people who are desperately unhappy it's a long wait till they're 12/13 and then it's not a given. My brother is in this situation and he feels totally trapped. He's just got to stick it out I guess for at least another 7 years. But when it's toxic I don't think it's great for the child. The damage is done by the time you're a teenager (I think) I do think it's unfair sometimes that it is so heavily in favour of the mother. I think the old saying that a happy child is a happy parent is apt. And people forget how seemingly damaging it all is. The day to day seems ok, and no one is looking at it from the outside. Even just lack of affection can affect how you see relationships for ever more.

I will add I have friends who think it's totally fine that they don't argue in front of their children but they do almost everything separately. This I think is delusional.

I know when they're teenagers it might be easier, but for a lot of people who are desperately unhappy it's a long wait till they're 12/13 and then it's not a given.

I didn't mean that people should wait until the children are teenagers before splitting. I meant that if the children are already teenagers when the marriage fails, then the man and women are both in the position that if they split they may not live with the children and may see much less of them. I don't think that people on mumsnet often take that into account when they encourage people to split. I think that financial impact of separating and could also hit teenagers harder too. I, therefore, don't think it is that surprising that many people stay together until the children leave home. If there are no arguments, living with parents who aren't affectionate to each other may be better than the alternative.