To ask if any of you stayed together for the sake of the children

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

Just that really and how do you feel now? Did it work out? Was it worth it?

I'm staying mostly for the kids. I love them and feel splitting up would do more damage as one has Sen. We don't argue, there's no whispered arguments or any real disharmony but no intimacy. He'd be a bastard if I wanted to split and I know it would do the kids a lot of damage. So for now on we Potter.

As another poster has said, it depends on how bad the relationship is. I think that many people probably stay together longer than they would have done if there were no kids, but that could be for financial reasons as much as anything and I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing if there isn't a lot of rowing etc. It's easy for children of parents who stayed together to say it would have been better if they had separated but they don't actually know how the alternative would have been for them.

I agree with @Roomster101 that if you've become more like friends being together could be the better option. My parents love each very much but they fought a lot when I was young. And it did a lot of damage but they were happy. I think if the kids are unhappy and the atmosphere is nasty being together isn't an option. Finances I think probably account for why some couples don't split.

I think staying with a partner you hate for the sake of the kids benefits no one, but staying with someone who is a good Dad/DH but you who just doesn't light your fire is different.

My parents stayed together for us. I'm a cup half full type of person and I remember thinking - there's 10 relationships in this family (i.e. Me and my 1 sister, me and my dad, my mum and my dad etc) and there's only 1 that's not happy. That's 90%, pretty good! It didn't mess me or my big sister up at all, but did my younger sister. I'm not grateful now for their sacrifice, if anything it was selfish in their part - neither wanted to give their children up.

I'm not grateful now for their sacrifice, if anything it was selfish in their part - neither wanted to give their children up.

That's very true and I don't think parents should or usually do expect their children to be grateful. I think that parents who stay together are often doing it for financial reasons and also because neither one wants to live alone without their children. Once the children have left home this isn't a "con" for splitting up anymore.
I wonder if many of those who state that people should split up if their marriage is anything less than perfect are assuming that the children will stay with the mother. That certainly may not be the case, especially once the children are teenagers.

@downwardfacingdog that's very true.

'Recent report online says dc more damaged when they realise your marriage is a sham and their whole childhood was a lie.'

This resonates with me.

Also the poster who says the martyr mother is difficult to like. I didn't ask for her to sacrifice her happiness, and therefore am never going to be as grateful as she expects.

I'm fairly sure that my dad and step mum did. They married because neither wanted to be single at a time when divorce was unusual. I don't think they even liked each other much and the atmosphere at home was toxic most of the time which didn't help that there were step children and ex-partners in the picture. I don't think that either of them wanted another divorce and they felt it was better for the children to be in a "proper" family. To this day I would have preferred them to divorce.

Having said all of that, they're still together and I think that over time they have found their equilibrium and are actually quite happy together

I shouldn't have had a family with OH. He's not abusive or violent in temper and is a good father but after we became parents I noticed we would never have the same ideas on parenting or goals for the future. He doesn't have 'drive'. The naïveté was on my part.
We are still together. There is no abuse in our home. A few debates and disagreements yes but we co exist without true intimacy and get along provided we don't spend weeks & weeks constantly in each other's company

My parents separated when I was young and I don't want it for my children.

Child of parents who stayed together for the sake of the children here.

My mum is now quite elderly and infirm but is very bitter and resentful that she sacriced her life (in her words) for an arsehole of a man (again, her words) - he isn't, and wasn't, but they are too very different people. It makes me sad and does feel like a lot of my childhood was a sham.

I've not come across anyone who are grateful that their parents stayed together for their sake. I have come across people who were badly affected by their parents divorce, but all of these in hindsight say them actually being together wasn't the best thing.

They split up just after I left home, and none of us were surprised. There weren't really many big rows, just a lack of intimacy and affection towards each other.

Interestingly, the four of us kids have gone on to have very disfunctional relationships and although I've been happily settled with dh for a long time now, weve all made some very dubious choices relationship wise and do feel part of that is because we have no idea what a relationship with two people who love each other rather than coexisting together looked like.

If I had kids, I would want them to be with someone who loved and cherished them, rather than someone who tolerated them.

I wouldn't stay either. Realising before there's resentment means that co-parenting is more likely to be successful and I wouldn't want my kids using my bad example as a reason to suffer in an unfulfilling marriage themselves.

There will be tears and sadness if you split but better now than later. Your kids will feel guilt when they realised that you wasted your life.

Definitely not a good idea. Children see through it and growing up in an icy atmosphere is not pleasant.

Having said that, people should be very careful about bringing new partners into the home. Unsuitable step parents can do immense damage and the children should come first.

My parents did and I wish they hadn't. I knew how unhappy everyone was and I would hear them arguing in hushed whispers when they thought we couldn't hear. The atmosphere was always terrible.

My brother and I both became people pleasers because we were so used to trying to make everyone happy when no one was and I ended up with an abusive man as my boundaries were so warped.

I would so much rather have had at least one safe space to escape from my father and his moods. To this day I can't bear someone being angry at me.

I think the problem with you question is that everyone likes to perceive that they are doing of have done the right thing. i.e. single parents will tell you that it is best to split and married people in less than perfect relationships will say that it is best to stay together. Ultimately it is very dependent on the exact situation i.e. how bad a marriage is e.g.whether there are a lot of arguments/bad atmosphere, finances if you split up, whether you will be alone etc etc.

I started a thread just after Christmas about my very difficult relationship and whether it was time to call it a day.

Dh and I have 2 young dc. I have persevered for their sake for a month or so and thought things were improving. Yesterday he was particularly unpleasant to me and I'm now back to thinking we're done. It is horrendous.

I had a long conversation with a women's rights charity a few weeks ago. They pointed out that my dh is emotionally abusive. I know that he is, but it helped to hear it from someone else.

The well meaning family members who think we should make it work for the dc (just like that 🙄) don't see what it's like day to day. They don't live with us. All they know are the examples of things which I tell them.

Ultimately, I try to keep reminding myself that my dc are more important than anything else.

If we split, financially it will be a struggle. I'll probably lose my beautiful house. Family will be sad and disappointed. I don't know how the dc will be, especially my eldest.

On the other hand, I would be setting my dc what I believe is the best example. They deserve to be loved and cherished and respected. My marriage is a bad example of a relationship and I don't want them to have such low expectations for their own happiness as adults. I also couldn't bear to see them treat a partner like dh treats me.

Another child of unhappy parents here. They divorced finally when me and siblings were at university. Came out later that DF had been having affairs for 15 years before they split. Took another 10 until his funeral for DM to reveal that.

Honestly? Along with siblings, we feel that our childhood was a sham. All my happy memories have a kind of curtain drawn over them. Maybe like looking back through a fog? Was it really like I remember it? DM expects us to be eternally grateful that she stayed. I just think she was weak.

*persevered since Christmas. It's been going on for years, but at Christmas it came to a head. Since then I've been 80% sure we'll split, but I wanted to try.

If we do split, I need to know that I truly did everything I could first and it was a last resort.

My parents did, they were unhappy and they were not good parents.
I dont know anyone who has done it and its ended well for the kids or them.

To clarify, DM was unusual for her generation as she had a career and could have been financially independent. She was just so ridiculously ashamed. She hadn't done anything! But all she cared about was what the neighbours would think, more so than her own happiness! When she finally got together with someone else, she left the family home and many people thought she was the one who'd had an affair. The irony!

Along with siblings, we feel that our childhood was a sham. All my happy memories have a kind of curtain drawn over them. Maybe like looking back through a fog? Was it really like I remember it? DM expects us to be eternally grateful that she stayed. I just think she was weak

I can empathise with tis.

I sort of despise both my parents now - they're both very weak & flawed human beings, and they visited those weaknesses on us as children. My mother played happy families, my father just had emotional affairs and/or checked out of the family.

My brother and I both became people pleasers because we were so used to trying to make everyone happy when no one was

This x100. I was the one always trying to keep the peace, who never argued or shared my feeling and who took responsibility for trying to keep the peace so that my dad and step mum didn't get even more hostile to us and to each other. It has had such a huge impact on my life.

Please don't stay 'just for the children'. Its a massive burden to put onto them that you 'put up' with each other just for them. Your children will not thank you for it.

My parents lived in the same house together but clearly hated the sight of each other.
Nasty comments between each other they thought the children wouldn't understand (we absolutely did understand, if not the words definitely the meaning) were really cutting. They rarely stayed in the same room as each other but both were as happy as anything explaining 'oh your Mums just popping round her friends' or 'dads got to go back to work...at 10pm at night' when in reality the situation was so bad between them they couldn't stay in the same room as each other.

It was hell living like that for years.

Eventually it drove my Mum mad and she used to shout that 'we should be grateful for what she has sacrificed for us to live together as a family'

Don't think for a second your children don't know that something isn't right. They know far more than you realise.

Children seeing their parents living separately but being happy human beings is far better than watching the parents they love being nasty, unhappy, spiteful and selfish trying to grind each other down to get the other one to give in and be the bad person and leave the family devastated.

What lesson do you think you are teaching your children? My mother believes she was teaching us never to give up easily and always work through everything. I saw it as she was teaching us it is ok to be nasty, vile, spiteful about someone who is loved dearly by their child and then put the blame onto the children for the situation because it was all done 'just for them'.

I still struggle with my childhood and how miserable it was, its made worse by most people I know (including DH) recalling lovely summers with their families, everyone happy together on holidays at Christmas etc. I have none of those types of memories because my parents hated each other for so long they just couldn't act like a normal couple. Everything ended up a competition on who could outdo the other one.

Its a better lesson to teach them that sometimes people need to follow their own path in life and that's ok because staying means someone is unhappy and we don't want anyone to be unhappy just for us.

Explaining a separation to children can be easier than you think. Explain that Granny and Grandad (or favourite cousins/aunts/uncles etc) don't live here with us and we still love them lots and they're very much an important part of the family. Mum/Dad are getting their own house/flat and we still love them exactly the same as we do and like Granny/Grandad they're still a very important part of our family.

Willow, that sounds dreadful. I hope you find happiness. 💐