To ask if any of you stayed together for the sake of the children

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

Just that really and how do you feel now? Did it work out? Was it worth it?

[Roomster101]

I know when they're teenagers it might be easier, but for a lot of people who are desperately unhappy it's a long wait till they're 12/13 and then it's not a given.

I didn't mean that people should wait until the children are teenagers before splitting. I meant that if the children are already teenagers when the marriage fails, then the man and women are both in the position that if they split they may not live with the children and may see much less of them. I don't think that people on mumsnet often take that into account when they encourage people to split. I think that financial impact of separating and could also hit teenagers harder too. I, therefore, don't think it is that surprising that many people stay together until the children leave home. If there are no arguments, living with parents who aren't affectionate to each other may be better than the alternative.

[Tryingfailingagain]

I will add I have friends who think it's totally fine that they don't argue in front of their children but they do almost everything separately. This I think is delusional.

[Tryingfailingagain]

I know when they're teenagers it might be easier, but for a lot of people who are desperately unhappy it's a long wait till they're 12/13 and then it's not a given. My brother is in this situation and he feels totally trapped. He's just got to stick it out I guess for at least another 7 years. But when it's toxic I don't think it's great for the child. The damage is done by the time you're a teenager (I think) I do think it's unfair sometimes that it is so heavily in favour of the mother. I think the old saying that a happy child is a happy parent is apt. And people forget how seemingly damaging it all is. The day to day seems ok, and no one is looking at it from the outside. Even just lack of affection can affect how you see relationships for ever more.

[Msqueen33]

I think if the relationship is toxic yes splitting up is the best. In my case I'm not in love with him and despite trying to communicate how I feel he hasn't changed but the kids are happy. We don't argue or anything but it's like living with a friend. In our case we have two children with Sen so splitting up might well cause more issues and although I would've liked to find someone I'm more suited to and appreciated by I've made my peace that this is my life.

[Roomster101]

Don't. Honestly. The people I know who are the most fucked up about relationships had parents who stayed together allegedly for their sake. Worst thing they could have done

The people I know who are fucked up about relationships all had parents who divorced at least once. Many also had a hard time with stepfamilies and less opportunity for financial reasons. There's no simple answer really.

[Roomster101]

it's hard isn't it. I think it's generally harder for men. if you're very involved in your child's life and then you have to go down to seeing them every other weekend and maybe a day in the week then it might just be worth staying put. the loss of the child might be the worst of the two options.
very few men get main custody.

That depends on the age of the children. Certainly by the time they are teenagers they might choose to live with the father.

[Roomster101]

it's hard isn't it. I think it's generally harder for men. if you're very involved in your child's life and then you have to go down to seeing them every other weekend and maybe a day in the week then it might just be worth staying put. the loss of the child might be the worst of the two options.
very few men get main custody.

That depends on the age of the children. Certainly by the time they are teenagers they might choose to live with the father.

[Tryingfailingagain]

it's hard isn't it. I think it's generally harder for men. if you're very involved in your child's life and then you have to go down to seeing them every other weekend and maybe a day in the week then it might just be worth staying put. the loss of the child might be the worst of the two options.
very few men get main custody.

[ShotsFired]

MillionToOneChances Sat 04-Feb-17 20:27:5
Don't. Honestly. The people I know who are the most fucked up about relationships had parents who stayed together allegedly for their sake. Worst thing they could have done

This x 1000. Don't ever underestimate how much kids will know and, in the absence of any other explanation, blame themselves. I know because I did.

[sillypussy]

Yup. My parents did and the atmosphere was awful. Especially when she told me I was just like dad and she didn't love him. I did the same. Put up with my ex for over 9 years cos of the kids. Best thing I ever did was leave. And my daughter has a much better relationship with both me and her dad which I don't think would be possible if we were still together.

[BrieAndChilli]

I would probably stay in my marriage unless it was something completely unforgivable. I am aware that I have big issues surrounding family as I was adopted, then physically and verbally abused in my adoptive family, my mother had an affair when I was 12 and my parents divorced, my father moved abroad so we saw him once a year if that as teens and a handful of times since. I am also NC with my mother and her family so I have a desperate need for my nuclear family to stay together so it would take a lot to make me break it up.
I feel that having a child is a commitment to that child to provide the best environment for it (so yes in some cases it is splitting up) this means I will do what's best for the kids rather than me, I've been with DH 16 years so yes we have had some bumpy patches along the way but nothing severe enough to warrant upsetting the kids.

[MuseumOfCurry]

I wouldn't say that I stayed with my husband for the sake of our children, but I found the young-children years incredibly taxing on my marriage and I had my days where I hated him. I know a lot of my friends felt the same way.

These days, I'd say we have a pretty good marriage.

Best to separate the strain of young children from genuine incompatibility, because one passes and the other doesn't.

[pipsqueak25]

reading back op, you don't have 'the perfect life' far from it, i really don't envy you and nor would anyone else, why are you wasting your precious life time in this mess, time you will never get back and nor will your dc because they will sense/ know what's going on.

[pipsqueak25]

calvin with his attitude i wouldn't even bother with the counselling bit tbh, i'd be on my way to a solicitor.

[FritzDonovan]

Sorry OP, I think once I mentioned my Dh I had it in my head that you were the dh! It doesn't sound good if he's blaming you for stuff in therapy rather than trying to understand...

[BeBeatrix]

A couple in my family stayed together purely out of a religious/moral conviction that marriage is for life, pretty much no matter what.

The first almost 20 years of their marriage was happy. Then they had five very unhappy years. And then things started to get better, and just kept getting better. By the time she died, after almost 5 decades of marriage, they were just as in love as in the earlier years, they had no regrets whatsoever about getting married or staying married, and the 5 difficult years seemed like a distant memory.

So, not principally for the sake of the children, but nevertheless for an external reason which they felt was more important than their individual happiness. Yet, staying together turned out to be the best thing they could have done for the sake of their happiness, as well. Five years must have felt like forever at the time, but five unhappy years as a price for 40 happy ones... seems like a good deal.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

My parents split up when I was 6. My dad's a bit of a sexist dick, so I think it was for the best for me. Possibly not for my brother. But it was a really, harsh upbringing, with a lot of poverty and little opportunity most of the time. And while there's a lot about the break up that was good for my mother, I think she might have had an easier life over all if she hadn't had to struggle so much for 14 years while we were growing up. She wrecked her health trying to make things great for my brother and me and now we've left she's a bit of a shell of the woman she was and doesn't have the resources to do the things she used to want to. I think she might have been better off staying with him (if he would have stayed), but it's hard to say really. Would depend on how he behaved I guess.

I was one of only two people in my year with divorced parents growing up, but more than half my friends' parents broke up within 5 years of us all leaving school. Several of these I've been told were a matter of staying together for the kids, I assume most of the others were too. Some friends were aware their parents were unhappy, others were not. They all have mixed feelings on their childhoods.

I think the idea of some kind of league table re: damage to kids from an unhappy marriage or from a divorce is a bit of a crappy way of looking at it. Situations are mixed. Some things will be better. Some things will be worse. The way that impacts you will depend on all sorts of things, including what you're thinking about as having needed. Poverty can have a drastic impact on kids, but if you're poor because of a divorce, you probably don't attribute the impact of that to the divorce, you may not even notice the way it lowers your life chances, because that's the nature of that type of disadvantage, you never know what in particular would have been different for you.

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

FritzD, I am the DW, what made you think I am the DH? We are in marriage therapy and he approaches it like a boxer taking off his gloves and says the most hurtful of things all directed at me. He spoke about me as though I mean nothing to him.

[FritzDonovan]

OP I can imagine my Dh writing your posts, as our communication seems to be totally non functional at times, this sounds like one of those times. Every time I think we are making a happy recovery something else happens to kick off the bad feeling (on both sides), which I am very sad about, but neither of us seem to be able to change now. I only say this because it might not be as bad as you think (ie having to stay together just for the kids). What has made you say there is no respect now? Does your wife see your relationship in the same way? Maybe you both struggle to communicate effectively?

[OhisHOME]

My parents did left me with a very distorted view of relationships & family life.

[Doobigetta]

My parents did that. Every time a relationship of mine has got difficult I've run for the hills because I'm so scared of turning into them.

[FourKidsNotCrazyYet]

My best friends really should have divorced when her kids were 2 and 7. Both parties 'at fault' just didn't get in any more. Bickered a lot but we're terrified of what splitting up would do to the kids. Said kids are now 12 and 17 and are very bitter towards both parents having been used in their little 'I win this war' arguments. I thinks it's really damaged the children. The eldest is a girl and very promiscuous, she just missed out on so much love and security. Very sad. Staying together in this instance was not the right thing to do.

[mintthins]

[RoboticSealpup]

My parents did. They divorced a couple of years after I left home and are now very happy in new relationships. They've both grown so much and it's lovely to see how they blossomed without each other.

They tolerate each other when necessary, but really bring our the worst in one another and I don't think I would have had the kind of relationship with them that I have now, if they'd still been together. It's hard to have good relationships with people who are stuck in a dysfunctional one. It just takes over everything.

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

*imagined