To wonder why my Mum doesn't like it when I have a moan or complain about somethijg

[Runny]

I'll start by saying my DM is a massive whinger. She never stops, is very much a glass half empty kind of person and it's usually about something stupidly trivial. I've had to listen to this my whole life.

So here's the thing, she hates it when I or my DF need to let off steam about something. We usually get a snappy and curt responses like "well, what do you expect me to do about it?". Well we don't really want you to do something about it, we just what to let off steam and have someone to sound off to. Like you do with us ad nauseum

So at the moment I'm having afew issues with work. Nothing I'll bore you here with, but stuff that is getting me down. I'm single so don't have a DP to whinge to, so today I was complaining to my DM. She just wasn't interested, and I got the standard 'well what do you want me to do about it?! and 'well get another job then' (because it's obviously easy to do that and jobs grow on trees don't they?).

It's always been like this. Going back to my teens, even expressing an opinion wasn't allowed. Well it was, providing it was the same as hers.

AIBU to think if she can whinge for Britain in my company then I can have a bit of a moan about work problems and expect her to be sympathetic.

My sister is the same, she can rattle on but if I chip in she just cuts me dead or makes it into a huge issue about how I need to get over things and be as busy as she is. And this is why I never tell her what's going on with me.

Pointless trying to change her, just find someone else to chat to or have a moan or whatever. Everybody needs to offload now and then, its normal.

Surely as a mother she should be there for her child who is having a rough time? But then again she's never been there for me emotionally, so maybe I am expecting to much from her?

My mum was like this. Its hard as you need a sounding board.
Do you have any friends you could talk to instead?
I have a friend like titanias sister though!
Finding someone to talk to and offload is hard. Might be better to put your worries on here and let the wise MNs help you?

It sounds like you are expected to parent her. I would stop doing that, and I wouldnt be subtle about it either.

I don't really have any close friends anymore. Lots aquatiancess, but I drifted away from the people I used to be close with. That being said, my upbringing makes it difficult for me to open to people, maybe that's why I'm single and friendless? Lol.

Runny, do another thread on here about the work issues.

Ah poor you! I wouldn't waste my breath on your DM anymore though, it will only get you down. She's not going to change now. Does she ever ask you how you are? Or does she just focus on her problems?

Anyway, we're always here if you fancy a virtual moan!!

So when she does it to you, say the exact same thing to her. If you cut her off every time she wants a moan she'll hopefully realise how annoying it is, and if that isn't hint enough and she moans about you not being supportive, tell her you're just treating her the same way she treats you, and that it isn't nice to have your feelings dismissed is it!

Just wondering about this. I too can whinge for England. However I'm also naturally a problem solver. So sometimes with my children, DS1 particularly, if I feel my plate is full, I feel very anxious about his whinges. I feel I must resolve them, I must act. I don't feel at all stressed about responding to friends' or colleagues' problems, on the other hand. Might she feel a bit like this because she cares? And if they are difficult problems, feel overwhelmed by them? I'm not suggesting her reaction is right, good or helpful, but it might perhaps be a possible explanation.

Have you ever pointed this behaviour out to her, along the lines of 'Mum, have you ever noticed that you try to shut me up if I talk about problems I'm having or anything at all that isn't about you but you expect me to listen to you when you do the same? Why is that? (And yes I expect she would have a strop if you did.)

Alternatively - practice saying "well, what do you expect me to do about it?".

I'd tell it like it is. So when she says "What do you expect me to do about it?", you say "Well, I'd just like you to listen whilst I have a little whinge, the same as Dad and I do for you when you want to whinge." And see what she says.

"So when she does it to you, say the exact same thing to her."

That's what I was going to say. Answer her in the same way when she winges to you, and come to MN when you want a winge, because it's pointless telling your mother, I'm sorry to say. I can't imagine being so selfish and uncaring towards my daughter, I'm so sorry she's like that.

My mother was like this. Never stopped moaning. I decided I didn't want to be like that, so moaned very rarely. I became quite expert at bottling things up.

On the rare occasions I DID moan she'd say "told you so!" and I'd feel belittled and foolish. She even said "told you so!" when I got made redundant and just wanted a little moan about it..

Consequently I rarely shared anything with her.

No, come to think of it she never asks how I am. She's not a bad person, and is great in a crisis, but is quite wrapped up in herself. She's ruled by her emotions and moods if that makes sense?

I find with my mum (and occasionally with my husband) sometimes I need to say,

"I'm not asking you to solve my problem, I'm just asking you, as a loved one, to listen to my problem."

She's not great with criticism or being challenged. She didn't have a good relationship with her own mother, who was completley toxic and I don't think is comfortable with displays of affection or emotion. She hates being hugged for example.

I think saying anything in response would just result in her going into sulk mode (that's a whole other thread).