Not sure how I can earn what DH suggests upon return to work

[HowcanIearnthis]

Apologies in advance for the length of this - trying not to drip feed.

DH is a high earner and has worked very hard for his whole adult life. About a year ago, I became a SAHP, but prior to that I had worked similar hours to DH. I am slightly younger than DH, so had not worked these hours for as many years. In addition, my profession is a bit lower paid than that of DH and frankly, he was unusually successful in his profession, whereas, whilst competent, I wasn't exceptionally successful in mine. As a result of his career success, we have had a comfortable lifestyle, paid off our mortgage and whilst we don't spend excessively (both of us being from quite frugal, sensible backgrounds), we have been extremely fortunate in that we haven't had particular money worries. I know that we are very, very lucky.

When I became a SAHP, this was a joint decision, although a contributory factor was my mental health and the impact on it of a horribly stressful job. Even today, one year on, I quite often find myself in tears and sweating at 3am about the situation I left. We decided that it would be best for all of us if I were to be a SAHP until all of our DC started school. We are now expecting DC2. DH says he still feels that it is best for all of us if I continue to be a SAHP for now. I was happy with this until very recently, having taken steps to protect my own financial position etc. DH's job is very demanding and it is true that I don't think he could do it if I were doing my old job and unable to be the "default" parent, as I am now. We live in an area with very little childcare provision and my returning to work would realistically mean DD being in childcare from 7 am to 7pm every day, which I would prefer to avoid if possible.

However, DH now says that when the DC start school (so in 5 years or so), we need to share the financial responsibility for our family down the middle. So far, so reasonable - I was very much intending to go back to work. We have worked out a budget as to what income we will need to meet our outgoings. However, what this means in practice is that from his high earning position, he will only need to work 1 day/week. Even when I manage to get back into the workplace, it will mean me having to work 5 days/week, because I will have disadvantaged myself so much in career terms. I feel that my being at home has directly contributed to this situation - increasing his earning potential massively and reducing my own - and that it would be fair to take account of this. I pointed out that if I made a unilateral decision that I was only going to "work" in looking after the DC 1 day a week from now on, he'd have serious difficulties. I feel that it would be fairer to, for example, work three days a week each, if such roles could be found. He says that he has worked hard for many years and deserves a break. I feel that I could say the same, but I have a (shared) responsibility to look after our kids financially and emotionally. Being at home with small children isn't a holiday and I feel that it's not fair for me to do all the years of wiping snot, night feeds and chasing poo around the bath and then for him to want to swap and be the SAHP once they're both in school and he can read his book on the sofa.

I'm also a bit upset because we have always had shared responsibilities and finances. He's an amazing father and he worships the ground DD walks on - he's not some sort of absent parent and I would never, ever have said that he was someone who shirked responsibility or was looking for a free ride on the domestic front. We are a family - we have always mucked in together. That's what families do, isn't it?!

AIBU?

[Trifleorbust]

OP, you keep saying how nice he is. Okay, so you need to find out why this very nice man thinks this very unfair plan is reasonable. At the moment you each do a full time job. He works in an office and to do full time at home. So far, so fair. You are both lucky that his earning power has allowed for one person to work. However, in doing this your own eRning power - which never matched his to begin with - has declined. So now he thinks it is reasonable to inform you of what you will HAVE to earn to allow him to stay at home, working less hard than you do now. And that's before we even discuss the question of whether he proposes to do all the work at home.

It sounds like he has checked out mentally and is only there for the kids, if I am honest with you.

[reuset]

I'd look into returning to work sooner, even part time, so as not to be completely financially reliant on such a person.

[Mittensonastring]

The ill health thing, I was retired early through ill health. DH said a couple of years ago he deserved a medal for staying with me because of my illness. I never ever felt the same after that and we are seperating though it's extremely complicated though extremely civilised. He is back tracking now he realises what he stands to lose.

Anyone in a relationship with that attitude is a total see you next Tuesday.i know illness puts a strain on things but don't get crushed by him because of your health.

[nollaig16]

Couldn't you agree that he works for 2 or 3 days a week for a set number of years and then he does the lion share of childcare and housework too? Surely that would be fair. I don't understand what's wrong with you going back 5 days a week. It's just a slight swapping of roles.

[StickyMouse]

Unless he is a partner lawyer or similar he won't get a job that pays 1/5 of his salary by working 1 day a week or circa 4/5 days a month. That's crazy thinking and I wonder if its a knee jerk comment/thought based on pressure at work and currently being sole earner?

If we wants to work part time then get him to look into at it, as a high earning parent my company would laugh in my face at the idea of 1 day a week in this role, they won't accept less than 5 days a week. If he is senior he might be able to negotiate 3 days a week and that would improve his life and ability to play a bigger role in family life.

Then you look at a role that offers something fulfilling that also is circa 3 days a week. Don't sell yourself short though.

Both parents working part time sounds like a fantastic way to be.

[NoSquirrels]

Your "compromise" of 4 days over 5 is not a good one, honestly. You'd be better off with just 4 days. Or 3. Or some other, better considered split of responsibility.

Fine if he wants a change in his career.

Not fine the spreadsheet mentality of your contribution needing to financially equal his.

A work-life balance is what will be best for you all, DC included.

This particular plan, then "compromise" and the timeframe is ill considered.

Keep talking.

[BirdInTheRoom]

Well OP, why don't you follow his plan but instead go back to work when the baby is, say, one year old?

Then you won't have had so much time out of the work place which will be better for your career, and he can do the vast majority of the childcare/housework etc - not just when the youngest starts school. See how he gets on and how much 'relaxation' time he gets.

Also, just wondering, is it going to be easy for him to get this wonderfully paid part time job?

[user1483981877]

Ultimately whatever you both decide needs to work for you all. And I get the feeling from the fact that you have posted that you're not happy, otherwise you would be skipping off right now to find this amazing, school hour friendly job. If/when you do find it, please let me know as I would love it too!

[paxillin]

Don't worry about it now, worry about it nearer the time. If he bullies this through, you can get the divorce in 5 years' time. I bet he will see how impossible it is by then.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Lots of things sound bonkers here.

• deciding now about what is going to be required in 5 years' time. Your eldest DC is only a baby and you have another on the way. You have no lived experience of having children at school and what is the best way to structure family life and work when they are that age. I wont go into detail but its certainly not a case of "the kids are at school now, we are FREEE!" There are a lot of logistics and a lot of active parenting required still.
  

• splitting the burden by remuneration rather than effort. For you to have to work 5 days to his one is mad. I earn in 3.5 days twice as much as my H is earning in 5 at the moment. But my H works very hard ( he is out from 6am to 8.30pm most days) and is retraining as well as working, with a view ultimately to earning much more. I work hard too as I do all the school runs and evenings with the kids. We're both working hard. But I am not working twice as hard as my DH because I earn twice what he does only only do my "paid" work for 25 hours a week.
  

Its fine for your DH to say, I want to chat about where we are going in the longer term and how we work/parent. Ultimately I would like to work less and do more children stuff and I would like you to work more. I don't feel comfortable being the only earner for ever and I want you know that is where I am at. So could we have a think about that as a medium term goal and as the children grow try and work towards something more balanced?

But to be getting down the nitty gritty of exactly how much you have got to bring in when we are talking about 5 years hence sounds a bit mad.

[lottiegarbanzo]

You think you can waltz straight into a 'four day spread over 5' role? Dream on. It's not impossible, it is unlikely, as a new starter. You CANNOT make serious plans based on fantasies like that.

More and more, reading this and everything you say about how out of character it is, I think you need to take seriously the possibility that he's having some sort of breakdown.

I think you need to convey that concern to him, suggest a GP appointment, counselling and go from there. It could be helpful, even if that's not quite what's happening. If the reality is that something else is happening, it might help prompt him to name that.

[Lambzig]

Hmm, I think the four days over 5 is so that you can still do all the drop offs, pick ups and heavy lifting with the DC, so that no childcare responsibilities shift to him at all. He has it all thought out doesn't he? Very clever to pitch it as you 'not missing out on time with the kids'.

[Allthewaves]

He sounds like a tired man who wants to cut back his hours to pt and for you to return to ft work - I dont see the issue tbh. Expecting u to bring in same money as his high flying career us a bit much.

Dh was a sahd for 4 years while I worked ft and then we swapped after dc2. He works ft and iv cut to 2 days a wk.

[Bluntness100]

I'm genuinely bemused. You're talking five years away and you're currently pregnant, anytbjng can happen in that time. What kind of work do you both do where this is even a serious conversation to be had at this stage, where you both find this high paid part time work?

And you're actually having serious long discussions about it? It's five friggen years and finding jobs isn't that easy, never mind high paying part time ones. Honestly, to me you both sound absolutely and utterly deranged.

Have the discussion in four years or so.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

Actually, that doesn't sound so bad.

You get to go to work 40 hours a week, earning whatever you can earn.

He thinks he can earn enough extra to meet your family budget, in one day a week, and pay for the before/afterschool care for that day. He'll obviously move his working day around or take parental leave for all the days when a child is off sick or sports day is on his work day etc. And then he is in charge of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, running the house. Also supervising homework, sorting new clothes, playdates, parties. And all the "wifework" - christmas presents for the extended family, booking the holidays, etc.

Meanwhile you get to concentrate on getting back into your career. You can come home each night, read a bedtime story and eat the dinner he has cooked. Sounds grand to me.

That IS what he has in mind, isn't it?

Although, start in a year's time; no need to wait till they're in school.

[expatinscotland]

He's not 'nice'. I'd go back to work after you have your DD and divorce him.

[clerquin]

So, presumeably, your DH is counting down the days when he can cut down his hours. Am I the only one to feel concerned that he may possibly hate his working life as it is at the moment?

Maybe, he needs to find a job which he would enjoy more - seek a better work/life balance. Maybe, he's feeling burn out? If early retirement is actually a possibility due to no mortgage and high savings, I don't find it unreasonable of him to want to work less.

You obviously won't need a huge income since you already have financial security and in RL, I suspect he's not going to rush out and resign straightaway without knowing the impact on your household income. Especially since you are both frugal/sensible.

Are you not worried for his mental health or are you too focused on your own? I don't think that it's unreasonable for him to propose a change in your household dynamics going forward. It might be hard to realise but there are thousands of families who juggle like this - it's not unusual. I think both of you need to think more laterally wrt to how much household income you actually need and how you earn it and your expectations of family lifestyle/work/life balance.

[NameChange30]

I agree both parents working part-time is ideal, it means both stay in the workplace, retain some financial independence and future earning power, and they can share the childcare/housework responsibilities.

In practice, if there is a big disparity in earning potential, and if there are limited opportunities for part-time work for one or both parents, it's not always possible.

However, since the OP's husband wants to split things more "equally" () perhaps he could look into going down to 3-4 days a week so he can do more childcare and housework, enabling the OP to get a part time job or start working towards it, for example by retraining or volunteering.

[Trifleorbust]

JellyBabiesSaveLives: When you put it like that...

OP, why wait? Tell him he is now the SAHP and he needs to earn enough on his one day to cover any shortfall and childcare. The other 4 days are his 'break' (the same break you have had).

[Olympiathequeen]

I would think he would be bored silly if he didn't work but I can see after such a relentless working life the idea of working 1 day a week looks very rosy to him.

Could he take a 3 month break just to give him that rest he feels he needs? Then return to work, him doing 3 days and you 2?

You say you were very stressed and have flashbacks caused by the stress and he u derstands that, but aren't you doing him a disservice by not accepting that he may also be suffering from burnout, hence his unreasonable and out of character demands?

[StickyMouse]

Not sure what your field is but PA in the City would work well with family life, I have friends doing this, it often allows some flexible working/working from home and pays well.

My friend has walked into a PA role in London with 9 months experience and has landed a Monday - Friday 0900 -1700 role for £39k.

[Trifleorbust]

I've only just realised what he is after with the 4 days spread over 5! The cheeky twat.

Seriously, OP, this would have my spidey senses going like crazy

[Headofthehive55]

I imagine he has no idea that you might struggle to get work. After all, you were employed, right? Going back is much harder. Many don't manage to reach their previous level at all. That's one if the reasons you see teachers in TA roles, professionally qualified women in cafes etc.

Holiday childcare is not always easy, particularly if your children do not want to go.

[Headofthehive55]

And schoolchildren have thirteen weeks holiday a year.